Feeling Better
I'm probably pushing blogger critical mass here with so many entries on my first day...but
I'm feeling much better after speaking with my spouse on the phone for three hours. Contact with the world outside my little flat is always a good thing. It was mostly bullshitting about what's been happenning in our lives, but we did talk about some difficult issues. I don't need a therapist I just need her. Our divorce is final (I guess I should say my ex-spouse from now on) so she told me. I am very thankful that we are still very good friends and are able to discuss things that are not totally cleared up or finished. I still love her and probably always will.
And to think just yesterday I was wondering if a fall from five floors was enough. Even though I think about it from time to time, I am too weak to ever actually do it. I start to think about what a hassle it would be for my family to clean up after me. And besides how would they get that stain off the sidewalk? I think I would rather stick around because scaring the straights is always so much fun.
The hormones are a bitch. I am glad to be free of testosterone. It has been such a liberating experience for me. Men are really controlled by their penis, or rather the testes. I can say this because I have experienced this first hand. I was taking a very weak dosage before I hooked up with doctors here. I was taking 200mg of Spironolactone and 4mg of Estradiol per day. The doctor here just about laughed at the dosage and said "this will take forever". I have wondered if the way I have been feeling in the past couple of days is because of my levels. I will go tuesday for my next injections, and right before my last injection I felt physically that it was time
I am now doing injections, whereas before I was taking pills. My present regimen is 250mg of Progesterone intramuscular injection every four (4) weeks and 10mg Estradiol intramuscular injection every two (2) weeks. I was lucky enough to find a doc here in Darmstadt that is sympathetic to my situation and has taken over my total physical health care. The first doc was in Frankfurt, kind of a hassle to go there every two weeks for something that takes about five minutes to administer.
The transitional aspect of my life is probably the only thing that is going well. Ah, but now I have a blog...dare to dream. Let's talk about the good things, shall we? I got my satellite tv system going last weekend, which also was Heinerfest weekend here, the second most amount of beer consumed next to Oktoberfest. I managed, not without some degree of difficulty mind you, to get my wireless internet up and running this week. The next thing on the agenda is to get my living room furnished. I am living in squalor, but the neccessities are there, stereo system, satellite television, internet access, stove, fridge, bed, washer and dryer, and bathroom.
I really wanted to clean today, but I worked getting this blog up and running, spoke with K-Po, and now I am sitting here in my PJ's blogging, listening to Nicolette, dringking a Pfungstaedter beer and smoking like a fiend. I burned a pretzel in the oven earlier, I'm not cut out for this german life.
I have been going to a gay and lesbian disco on sundays in the Schlosskeller. We transgender persons have been somehow bundled with the gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, hence GLBT. They are however accepting of us as they too are sort of gender variant themselves. Although I do not identify with any particular one of those classifications, I as of yet do not know which way I will end up, striaght or otherwise. I have decided it is easier right now to concentrate on my personal mental and physical development and not confuse things by actively seeking a relationship with either of the genders other than friendships. I find myself somewhere in between the genders, a mindbending concept, eh? Bisexual say you? Not quite. Bisexuals are sort of a self serving lot, "having their cake and eating it too".
Anyway, the gay and lesbian disco is a place I can go as myself and not feel that everyone is staring. Although even when I am out and about dressed more androgenous, more and more people have confused looks on their faces and I am mistaken for female rather than male. this of course feels good, but I am not at the point where I can yet refute the negative convincingly. People in general have this inherent need to know one way or the other or they tend to get angry when your gender is unclear. It must be black and white. Enough of that.
Let's learn german shall we? "tote Hose" Literally translated means "dead pants", but in colloquial german it means nothin' doin' or for example when the pub is empty at an early hour.
I'm feeling much better after speaking with my spouse on the phone for three hours. Contact with the world outside my little flat is always a good thing. It was mostly bullshitting about what's been happenning in our lives, but we did talk about some difficult issues. I don't need a therapist I just need her. Our divorce is final (I guess I should say my ex-spouse from now on) so she told me. I am very thankful that we are still very good friends and are able to discuss things that are not totally cleared up or finished. I still love her and probably always will.
And to think just yesterday I was wondering if a fall from five floors was enough. Even though I think about it from time to time, I am too weak to ever actually do it. I start to think about what a hassle it would be for my family to clean up after me. And besides how would they get that stain off the sidewalk? I think I would rather stick around because scaring the straights is always so much fun.
The hormones are a bitch. I am glad to be free of testosterone. It has been such a liberating experience for me. Men are really controlled by their penis, or rather the testes. I can say this because I have experienced this first hand. I was taking a very weak dosage before I hooked up with doctors here. I was taking 200mg of Spironolactone and 4mg of Estradiol per day. The doctor here just about laughed at the dosage and said "this will take forever". I have wondered if the way I have been feeling in the past couple of days is because of my levels. I will go tuesday for my next injections, and right before my last injection I felt physically that it was time
I am now doing injections, whereas before I was taking pills. My present regimen is 250mg of Progesterone intramuscular injection every four (4) weeks and 10mg Estradiol intramuscular injection every two (2) weeks. I was lucky enough to find a doc here in Darmstadt that is sympathetic to my situation and has taken over my total physical health care. The first doc was in Frankfurt, kind of a hassle to go there every two weeks for something that takes about five minutes to administer.
The transitional aspect of my life is probably the only thing that is going well. Ah, but now I have a blog...dare to dream. Let's talk about the good things, shall we? I got my satellite tv system going last weekend, which also was Heinerfest weekend here, the second most amount of beer consumed next to Oktoberfest. I managed, not without some degree of difficulty mind you, to get my wireless internet up and running this week. The next thing on the agenda is to get my living room furnished. I am living in squalor, but the neccessities are there, stereo system, satellite television, internet access, stove, fridge, bed, washer and dryer, and bathroom.
I really wanted to clean today, but I worked getting this blog up and running, spoke with K-Po, and now I am sitting here in my PJ's blogging, listening to Nicolette, dringking a Pfungstaedter beer and smoking like a fiend. I burned a pretzel in the oven earlier, I'm not cut out for this german life.
I have been going to a gay and lesbian disco on sundays in the Schlosskeller. We transgender persons have been somehow bundled with the gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, hence GLBT. They are however accepting of us as they too are sort of gender variant themselves. Although I do not identify with any particular one of those classifications, I as of yet do not know which way I will end up, striaght or otherwise. I have decided it is easier right now to concentrate on my personal mental and physical development and not confuse things by actively seeking a relationship with either of the genders other than friendships. I find myself somewhere in between the genders, a mindbending concept, eh? Bisexual say you? Not quite. Bisexuals are sort of a self serving lot, "having their cake and eating it too".
Anyway, the gay and lesbian disco is a place I can go as myself and not feel that everyone is staring. Although even when I am out and about dressed more androgenous, more and more people have confused looks on their faces and I am mistaken for female rather than male. this of course feels good, but I am not at the point where I can yet refute the negative convincingly. People in general have this inherent need to know one way or the other or they tend to get angry when your gender is unclear. It must be black and white. Enough of that.
Let's learn german shall we? "tote Hose" Literally translated means "dead pants", but in colloquial german it means nothin' doin' or for example when the pub is empty at an early hour.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 7:17 PM
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