Feelin' kinda wierd
I'm feeling kinda wierd today. Had an experience last night that I'm not quite ready to go into detail about. Let's just say, um, the G&L disco was interesting. So much shit is going on right now between work and my personal life that I'm finding it difficult to keep the head straight. I haven't quite worked it out yet whether or not the hormones are having an impact on my perception. I go tomorrow for my double jeapordy injections. I should be able to discern by tomorrow night if the hormones are the main factor regarding my inability to be cohesive?
I am feeling sort of anxious. I am thinking about personal things more in depth. Maybe I am learning how to think of things (feelings) more in depth and reason them out, rather than suppressing them. I have become soooo good at suppression. 25 years of suppressing my inner and most important feelings. I'm not quite sure, but it almost feels like Christine is becoming the dominant entity and Christopher is becoming the lesser. And not putting up much of a fight. That sounds like multiple personality disorder...
It's not that simple however. I haven't made up my mind yet whether or not this is a good thing. I somehow do not feel the same as I have always felt. I need some perspective. Amsterdam sounds like a good bet, I've been wanting to go there ever since I set foot on EU soil. Alas, a clear head is what I need right now.
I have read about family members grieving for their sibling or child that is in transition, as if they died. For all intensive purposes this is in fact true. the person that either they grew up with or nurtured through the years is no longer there. But not totally, as we are only becoming in whole what we were always only in part. or rathter the part could show. That probably doesn't make sense, but I have trouble putting into words what I have always felt in my head. Holding all this inside for so long. I have also read transitioner's stories about the side of themselves that goes away somehow, or dies. It almost seems that the shell is falling away. It all sounds so cliche', but that is the best way I can describe what I am feeling. This blogging is helping. Putting up a front for so long, disguising who I really am and how I really feel inside. I feel sort of liberated in a surreal sort of way. It's all so very strange.
Some of this is the beer talking, as I have had a few with Helmut while we were bullshitting about my shady dealings with my company regarding my compensation. Helmut is the best. We share many personality traits. Misery loves company.
I took some pictures last night before I went to the G&L disco. Wouldn'tcha know it the one I wanted to share didn't save right. The preview looks great, but only my forehead shows up. wunderbar! I think I send a nachlassig pic anyway. I'm such a novelty at the G&L Disco.
I need to go to bed.
I am feeling sort of anxious. I am thinking about personal things more in depth. Maybe I am learning how to think of things (feelings) more in depth and reason them out, rather than suppressing them. I have become soooo good at suppression. 25 years of suppressing my inner and most important feelings. I'm not quite sure, but it almost feels like Christine is becoming the dominant entity and Christopher is becoming the lesser. And not putting up much of a fight. That sounds like multiple personality disorder...
It's not that simple however. I haven't made up my mind yet whether or not this is a good thing. I somehow do not feel the same as I have always felt. I need some perspective. Amsterdam sounds like a good bet, I've been wanting to go there ever since I set foot on EU soil. Alas, a clear head is what I need right now.
I have read about family members grieving for their sibling or child that is in transition, as if they died. For all intensive purposes this is in fact true. the person that either they grew up with or nurtured through the years is no longer there. But not totally, as we are only becoming in whole what we were always only in part. or rathter the part could show. That probably doesn't make sense, but I have trouble putting into words what I have always felt in my head. Holding all this inside for so long. I have also read transitioner's stories about the side of themselves that goes away somehow, or dies. It almost seems that the shell is falling away. It all sounds so cliche', but that is the best way I can describe what I am feeling. This blogging is helping. Putting up a front for so long, disguising who I really am and how I really feel inside. I feel sort of liberated in a surreal sort of way. It's all so very strange.
Some of this is the beer talking, as I have had a few with Helmut while we were bullshitting about my shady dealings with my company regarding my compensation. Helmut is the best. We share many personality traits. Misery loves company.
I took some pictures last night before I went to the G&L disco. Wouldn'tcha know it the one I wanted to share didn't save right. The preview looks great, but only my forehead shows up. wunderbar! I think I send a nachlassig pic anyway. I'm such a novelty at the G&L Disco.
I need to go to bed.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 12:26 AM
1 Comments:
At 4:27 PM,
Allison said…
So you're feeling weird, eh. Well, get used to it. The weird fellings are not uncommon, you should have seen me at that point, you wouldn't have known whether to laugh you ass off, or cry with me. Fear not Chrissy, this to shall pass, and, at least for me, I have found that I have a overall greater sence of coherence. The tought processes are different though, and may take some time to get used to.
I have a couple of question though. If you want a clear head, why is Amsertdam the answer? Is god beer and drugs the avenue for this? If it is let me know. I haven't had a clear head in so long.
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