Unsicherheit (pr;insecurity)
I’m feeling relatively good today. I am on vacation until the 9th of January. I managed to get an appointment with a psychological gutachter, which is a psychiatrist that will supposedly determine whether or not I am truly a transsexual, or just insane. I hope the former is true. I think it is anyway.
I have been for-warned that I will have to take a few written tests to rule out other psychological problems as a cause for me feeling this way. And, of course I will have to take the tests in German. That should be fun. When I spoke with the woman that called me to set up the appointment, she seemed very nice and helpful, saying that we will work together to get the testing part done. That set me at ease. My friend and advice giver, Petra, explained to me that it is best to meet with a gutachter that is experienced with transsexualism. Otherwise, there is a possibility that they may try to cure me of it, rather than trying to determine whether I am actually transsexual or not. My therapist recommended him and he also told me he would talk to him so that he would be expecting my call to set something up. I am assuming this psychiatrist has had experience with transsexualism and knows the drill.
Petra also mentioned that in theory, the therapist and the psychiatrist that acts as a gutachter should not know, or have contact with each other; as to not influence the determination of the psychiatrist. Then again, I’m not sure either how much my therapist told him about me. I’ll find out when I get there tonight at 6pm. I have to go all the way to Bad Homburg where his office is located. I am a little nervous about it. If it goes the right way and he writes a favorable gutachtung (evaluation), then I will be pretty much cleared to be able to have cosmetic and other surgeries, and my insurance company will pay for most of it. I will probably be given a legal document that states that I am indeed a transsexual. In Germany this document is very important because it is legally binding and difficult to dispute.
On the other hand, it is also possible that the psychiatrist could come up with several other reasons for why I feel the way I do. I’m not sure what would happen if this is the case. I guess I could look at it this way, I would be happy because I wouldn’t have to go through all the pain, loss, and hurt that goes along with transition. And because I probably would be prohibited from going any further. The more I rationalize this out, the more I realize this is a very important and very possibly a turning point in my transition, or the end of it. I have made so much progress in the last six months both mentally and physically. It is difficult for me to imagine stopping this now.
On Monday night after work I made several phone calls to the states to line up visits next week when I am in Detroit. After speaking with several people, especially K-Po, I began to feel quite insecure. I realized after much thought as to why I felt insecure, just how much I have isolated myself from my old life, and compartmentalized my “new” life here. It’s never been so easy living a double life, and with the preferred single life growing ever closer, things are getting all that much more complicated. I have attributed my insecurity to my unwillingness to confront my past, which is actually not such a distant past. The past seven months feel more like seven years. All the pain, sorrow, and self realization make me who I am today. I am able however to look upon this time of trial as worthwhile in that I was left to deal with myself one on one without much outside influence. Everything seems to be working out smoothly, almost a bit too smoothly, so I should count my blessings and be thankful. I am very thankful.
In the past couple of days I have been trying to gain a little perspective. Partly I feel I might be being a bit hasty with presenting in public, and don’t want to push my luck. More insecurity coming through. I went to my doc’s yesterday in female mode, and the nurse didn’t recognize me at first. Afterwards I went back home and contemplated washing my face and changing my clothes. In the end I didn’t, but rather went to the post office to hold my mail and to the Christmas market to do some shopping. I also did some normal H&B aids shopping, as well as stopped by H&M for a quick look. I saw a pair of Irregular choice pointy toed flats that I wanted to try on and buy, but didn’t. I want to go back there and get them before I fly. They are so cute. I just have to get past the point where I feel I have to have my guard up all the time. I suppose it has a lot to do with my confidence level. I find mostly that it isn’t a big issue when I am out and therefore I need to be more relaxed.
That’s all for now, I need to get into the shower to get ready to go to have my head shrunk. Wish me luck. Walking better.
I have been for-warned that I will have to take a few written tests to rule out other psychological problems as a cause for me feeling this way. And, of course I will have to take the tests in German. That should be fun. When I spoke with the woman that called me to set up the appointment, she seemed very nice and helpful, saying that we will work together to get the testing part done. That set me at ease. My friend and advice giver, Petra, explained to me that it is best to meet with a gutachter that is experienced with transsexualism. Otherwise, there is a possibility that they may try to cure me of it, rather than trying to determine whether I am actually transsexual or not. My therapist recommended him and he also told me he would talk to him so that he would be expecting my call to set something up. I am assuming this psychiatrist has had experience with transsexualism and knows the drill.
Petra also mentioned that in theory, the therapist and the psychiatrist that acts as a gutachter should not know, or have contact with each other; as to not influence the determination of the psychiatrist. Then again, I’m not sure either how much my therapist told him about me. I’ll find out when I get there tonight at 6pm. I have to go all the way to Bad Homburg where his office is located. I am a little nervous about it. If it goes the right way and he writes a favorable gutachtung (evaluation), then I will be pretty much cleared to be able to have cosmetic and other surgeries, and my insurance company will pay for most of it. I will probably be given a legal document that states that I am indeed a transsexual. In Germany this document is very important because it is legally binding and difficult to dispute.
On the other hand, it is also possible that the psychiatrist could come up with several other reasons for why I feel the way I do. I’m not sure what would happen if this is the case. I guess I could look at it this way, I would be happy because I wouldn’t have to go through all the pain, loss, and hurt that goes along with transition. And because I probably would be prohibited from going any further. The more I rationalize this out, the more I realize this is a very important and very possibly a turning point in my transition, or the end of it. I have made so much progress in the last six months both mentally and physically. It is difficult for me to imagine stopping this now.
On Monday night after work I made several phone calls to the states to line up visits next week when I am in Detroit. After speaking with several people, especially K-Po, I began to feel quite insecure. I realized after much thought as to why I felt insecure, just how much I have isolated myself from my old life, and compartmentalized my “new” life here. It’s never been so easy living a double life, and with the preferred single life growing ever closer, things are getting all that much more complicated. I have attributed my insecurity to my unwillingness to confront my past, which is actually not such a distant past. The past seven months feel more like seven years. All the pain, sorrow, and self realization make me who I am today. I am able however to look upon this time of trial as worthwhile in that I was left to deal with myself one on one without much outside influence. Everything seems to be working out smoothly, almost a bit too smoothly, so I should count my blessings and be thankful. I am very thankful.
In the past couple of days I have been trying to gain a little perspective. Partly I feel I might be being a bit hasty with presenting in public, and don’t want to push my luck. More insecurity coming through. I went to my doc’s yesterday in female mode, and the nurse didn’t recognize me at first. Afterwards I went back home and contemplated washing my face and changing my clothes. In the end I didn’t, but rather went to the post office to hold my mail and to the Christmas market to do some shopping. I also did some normal H&B aids shopping, as well as stopped by H&M for a quick look. I saw a pair of Irregular choice pointy toed flats that I wanted to try on and buy, but didn’t. I want to go back there and get them before I fly. They are so cute. I just have to get past the point where I feel I have to have my guard up all the time. I suppose it has a lot to do with my confidence level. I find mostly that it isn’t a big issue when I am out and therefore I need to be more relaxed.
That’s all for now, I need to get into the shower to get ready to go to have my head shrunk. Wish me luck. Walking better.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 2:06 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:28 PM,
sweet trini said…
so when is your big appointment?
you seem to be doing weel, recognising and then dealing with insecurity. even those who've been women their whole lives face it, and some not as well as you.
walk good.
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