bitty pout

Today, all in all, ended up being a good day, mostly.  After I finished my post earlier this, er, yesterday morning, I became irritable while trying to decide what to wear.  I was trying to piece together an outfit to go with my new Camper boots.  I really need to make some new clothes.  Trying to decide if I was to go to Linda’s already dressed or change there was adding to the growing hysteria.  I finally decided to wear a black turtleneck sweater and my tapered jeans, cuffed up of course to show off the new boots.  This time of year is always hard to judge how heavy of a jacket to wear, so that absorbed yet more time.  I decided to blow dry my hair today, trying out the new product I had bought the weekend before.  Big mistake, more on that later.  I decided I would do my makeup at Linda’s, and was off to the Bahnhof with only minutes to spare to catch the S3.  I was cutting it really close as I bought my ticket and ran down the stairs.  I was able to make it to the second car before I heard the “bitte einfahrt” (german for all aboard) call.  I was almost hoping I missed it because by then I was really irritable and therefore bitchy.  I wanted so bad just to tear something apart.  I was in a very foul mood indeed.

Linda was waiting for me at the train station in NI.   She’s such a good person and friend.  We were then off to the VW dealer so she could have her winter tires put on her car.  I waited outside in the car for a few minutes trying to tame my puff-ball, frizzed-out hair, and then went in to find her.  I really didn’t feel like dealing with a car dealership at the moment, but it was ok in the end.  They had a little coffee bar set up and a place to sit.  I felt totally comfortable being out in public in female mode without make-up.  She got her car back and we were off to evil Walmart.   The Wm in NI is enormous.  They had so many more products than the one here in DA.  I managed to buy some new undies and the ever elusive knee socks.

I have performed sort of a little gender clues research today, and in the past few weekends.  The first time I went to Ffm to do some shopping, I went in androgynous dress.  I noticed some mild staring from the hordes of shoppers.  Linda remarked that she observed the sales guy at Camper seem as if he couldn’t distinguish how to approach me, it didn’t help that I was standing directly at the split between the men’s and women’s shoes.  The second time I went to Ffm shopping, I wore make-up and some pointy toed shoes.  I got some staring action, but felt really comfortable.  Today I went dressed totally female but without make-up.  Most people I was around today didn’t even give me second look.  I did wear my hair down though.  If most of the gender clues are there, long hair, earrings, feminine physique, etcetera, one can seemingly go unnoticed.  It’s as if a subconscious gender determination is made.  It’s only when this determination can’t be made that a conscious interest is raised.  I believe it troubles some not to be able to tell the difference.  I guess I am becoming more confident in my appearance and therefore more confident in general.  My improved body image helps too.

This also presents another problem.  Now that I am going out in public more, the more anxious I become to finally live my dream.  I hope I can keep the impatience under wraps.  I need to do this right.  My opposition to wearing baggy clothes for work is peaking.  I can only imagine that in the coming future I will only wear those clothes during working hours.  I am finally starting to like myself.  I have never known this feeling before.  I was never happy with my body and who I am psychologically.  That is all changing for the better.

I am reminded of a radio commercial byline from a men’s suit wholesaler, “You’re going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.”  I do, I do indeed.