Frankfurt VII
I am now part of the three-step Clinique skin care club. I have been experiencing some really bad oiliness problems on my forehead and nose, or the T zone as it is also known. All the stress that I have been under lately hasn’t helped either. Now that the pressure is gone at work, hopefully all the acne will also go away. I noticed that after last month’s melee at work, my face cleared up right after. Another factor is that my progesterone level is at its end, as I go for another double whammy on Tuesday. At any rate, I bought some really expensive soap and tonic and lotion. I tried it this morning after getting up. I will have to try it for a few more days to be able to judge whether or not it agrees with my skin. Not much does. I also bought an exfoliating soap and pore refining serum. I hope it all helps and doesn’t hurt my skin.
I had fun shopping with Linda and Chloe in Ffm. I returned my boots to Camper, and the salesperson that performed the transaction, a young woman, had a very deep voice and more of a masculine demeanor. I’m pretty sure she is a GG (trans code for genetic girl), but to look at her appearance and then hear her speak, the two don’t match. I bet she gets the Herr thing on the phone. Funny thing that gender is. I am realizing more and more the degrees of gender variance that occur otherwise naturally. I have a heightened sense of awareness of the situation and people around me, as my personal safety depends on it. I am able to observe calmly and casually my surroundings, without looking paranoid. I enjoy people watching anyway, it’s kind of like eye candy for me. I went to Ffm presenting in female mode and felt very comfortable. I wore Levi’s hip hugger boot cut jeans with a black bateau neck sweater, my pointy toed purple shoes, and a black white and gray scarf. I took the train to NI where Linda picked me up.
We waited outside the parking garage for Chloe. While we were waiting, I was people watching to make sure I didn’t look too ridiculous. I noticed a couple walking by, the woman put her hand over mouth as if to whisper to her man, don’t look now but there’s a tranny. He then started to look around for me; I was staring at them the whole time. I wanted to wink at them, but making eye contact with them was enough to let them know I saw what she was up to. Most people don’t notice that I am trans unless they get a really good look at me, others just don’t see anything. Case in point, her man wouldn’t have noticed me had she not said anything. Bitch.
I felt totally comfortable schlepping around the Zeil shopping. We went to Karstadt so I could look at winter coats, but by then Linda was getting tired. She waited for me while I went to look at the coats. I found a nice long, mid thigh, coat with a hood. I wanted a coat that had somewhat of a curvy shape to it, and I found it. It was only eighty-nine euro. Heike had estimated that I was probably a size 42 in European women’s sizes. She was right, as the coat that fit the best was a size 42. I also bought a smooth cup bra in 85A that doesn’t quite fit just yet. I would be happy when I am able to fill it. It’ll just have to live in my drawer until such time it fits.
I have been feeling really good lately despite all the stress at work. I feel my physical progress is really moving in the right direction. Imagine having the body you always wished you had. I am getting there, albeit slowly, but I am getting there nevertheless. Subsequently, my fears and doubts are diminished. I have reached sort of a turning point in my transition. I feel now that this can and will work out favorably, and that I have reached the point of no return. I feel clear of purpose and that the confirmation to myself is there. Every day that I live more in the female role subtracts from the days spent as man. I am becoming more opposed to wearing men’s clothes and certainly don’t want to invest in any more of it. I spoke with Petra and she suggested that I try to make due until I start to live full time, as I will end up getting rid of it all anyway. She’s right, but I do need a couple of shirts for work, because the shirts I have for winter aren’t enough to get me through.
I want to state it clearly that I am determined to follow through with my transition until the end, or rather beginning of my life as I truly feel it should have been all along. This feeling reduces my patience with the amount of time transition requires. I must find patience to get through the next few months of work as Christopher. I need to make it through till at least springtime. By then I will have had my hair transplants, tracheal shave, a year of hormones behind me, my name changed, facial hair removed, and my voice in shape. My facial skin has become more translucent and has a certain glow to it. I actually have cheekbones that are surfacing.
When I go to the Ausländeramt to get a new work permit, I will ask how long it takes and what the steps are to change my name with them and how long it takes. I am thinking that I may want to change my name over Christmas. I am thinking that I will have to apply for a new US passport when I get back here, and that will probably take a couple of months. Then I will have to re-apply or transfer my visa because of the new passport, which will undoubtedly take another two months. By then I will likely be at the point when I will come out at work. I just need to find out whether or not my company will be informed of the application process while it is happening. Probably at least for the work permit part of it they will be involved. I wonder how much time I have to change my documentation with the Germans once I have changed it in the states. I will have to do some more research to develop a better plan. I wish I could ask the questions anonymously, as to not take the chance of pre-judgment occurring. I may be just paranoid, but I am not sure I can trust the immigration people to keep a secret. It’s too easy for them to call my personnel department and say something.
On the other hand, I was debating whether or not to inform my personnel department before actually making the break at work. I was thinking that it might make sense to give them some notice to become prepared for that day. They may need to do some research or training or whatever. Or I can give them enough time to find a way to fire me. It could go both ways. I however do not feel it wise to just show up one day and say to them, tomorrow I will come to work as Christine instead of Christopher. They will have no reaction time and therefore maybe put hem into panic mode. Bad things tend to happen when people are panicked. I have to time it just right. I should probably start thinking about informing my extended family. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do it in person, but rather by email or letter. I spoke with Ann the other day and we came upon the topic of when to tell her children. I told her to hold off until spring. I am feeling like there won’t be much Christopher over the holidays. The guise is getting thinner, and therefore easier to see through. That façade that I built up over so long is now eroding at an ever increasingly rapid pace. I am glad of it. I am getting closer to the time when I can finally move on and put this all behind me.
November promises to be a very busy transition month. I have a hair removal treatment planned, two therapy sessions, and of course my shots. Petra recommended that I go to my health insurance office and ask about a Gutachter, or a psychiatrist that confirms my gender dysphoria and gives legal opinion to that effect. She suggested that I go in female mode and ask them if they have anyone they can recommend that speaks English. Once I have approval from the Gutachter, the health insurance will pay for other procedures in addition to the hormones. I will have to think about this. I was contemplating going to my doctor for my shots in female mode sometime, and I guess I could go to the health insurance office right after. I might do it Tuesday, as I have the guys coming to put new wallpaper up and fix a hole in the wall. I took the whole day off.
Things are bound to get a whole lot more complicated in the next few months. We’ll see if I can keep it together and manage it all effectively. Wish me luck. I am very thankful that everything so far has worked out positively, and for all the people that support me through this.
I had fun shopping with Linda and Chloe in Ffm. I returned my boots to Camper, and the salesperson that performed the transaction, a young woman, had a very deep voice and more of a masculine demeanor. I’m pretty sure she is a GG (trans code for genetic girl), but to look at her appearance and then hear her speak, the two don’t match. I bet she gets the Herr thing on the phone. Funny thing that gender is. I am realizing more and more the degrees of gender variance that occur otherwise naturally. I have a heightened sense of awareness of the situation and people around me, as my personal safety depends on it. I am able to observe calmly and casually my surroundings, without looking paranoid. I enjoy people watching anyway, it’s kind of like eye candy for me. I went to Ffm presenting in female mode and felt very comfortable. I wore Levi’s hip hugger boot cut jeans with a black bateau neck sweater, my pointy toed purple shoes, and a black white and gray scarf. I took the train to NI where Linda picked me up.
We waited outside the parking garage for Chloe. While we were waiting, I was people watching to make sure I didn’t look too ridiculous. I noticed a couple walking by, the woman put her hand over mouth as if to whisper to her man, don’t look now but there’s a tranny. He then started to look around for me; I was staring at them the whole time. I wanted to wink at them, but making eye contact with them was enough to let them know I saw what she was up to. Most people don’t notice that I am trans unless they get a really good look at me, others just don’t see anything. Case in point, her man wouldn’t have noticed me had she not said anything. Bitch.
I felt totally comfortable schlepping around the Zeil shopping. We went to Karstadt so I could look at winter coats, but by then Linda was getting tired. She waited for me while I went to look at the coats. I found a nice long, mid thigh, coat with a hood. I wanted a coat that had somewhat of a curvy shape to it, and I found it. It was only eighty-nine euro. Heike had estimated that I was probably a size 42 in European women’s sizes. She was right, as the coat that fit the best was a size 42. I also bought a smooth cup bra in 85A that doesn’t quite fit just yet. I would be happy when I am able to fill it. It’ll just have to live in my drawer until such time it fits.
I have been feeling really good lately despite all the stress at work. I feel my physical progress is really moving in the right direction. Imagine having the body you always wished you had. I am getting there, albeit slowly, but I am getting there nevertheless. Subsequently, my fears and doubts are diminished. I have reached sort of a turning point in my transition. I feel now that this can and will work out favorably, and that I have reached the point of no return. I feel clear of purpose and that the confirmation to myself is there. Every day that I live more in the female role subtracts from the days spent as man. I am becoming more opposed to wearing men’s clothes and certainly don’t want to invest in any more of it. I spoke with Petra and she suggested that I try to make due until I start to live full time, as I will end up getting rid of it all anyway. She’s right, but I do need a couple of shirts for work, because the shirts I have for winter aren’t enough to get me through.
I want to state it clearly that I am determined to follow through with my transition until the end, or rather beginning of my life as I truly feel it should have been all along. This feeling reduces my patience with the amount of time transition requires. I must find patience to get through the next few months of work as Christopher. I need to make it through till at least springtime. By then I will have had my hair transplants, tracheal shave, a year of hormones behind me, my name changed, facial hair removed, and my voice in shape. My facial skin has become more translucent and has a certain glow to it. I actually have cheekbones that are surfacing.
When I go to the Ausländeramt to get a new work permit, I will ask how long it takes and what the steps are to change my name with them and how long it takes. I am thinking that I may want to change my name over Christmas. I am thinking that I will have to apply for a new US passport when I get back here, and that will probably take a couple of months. Then I will have to re-apply or transfer my visa because of the new passport, which will undoubtedly take another two months. By then I will likely be at the point when I will come out at work. I just need to find out whether or not my company will be informed of the application process while it is happening. Probably at least for the work permit part of it they will be involved. I wonder how much time I have to change my documentation with the Germans once I have changed it in the states. I will have to do some more research to develop a better plan. I wish I could ask the questions anonymously, as to not take the chance of pre-judgment occurring. I may be just paranoid, but I am not sure I can trust the immigration people to keep a secret. It’s too easy for them to call my personnel department and say something.
On the other hand, I was debating whether or not to inform my personnel department before actually making the break at work. I was thinking that it might make sense to give them some notice to become prepared for that day. They may need to do some research or training or whatever. Or I can give them enough time to find a way to fire me. It could go both ways. I however do not feel it wise to just show up one day and say to them, tomorrow I will come to work as Christine instead of Christopher. They will have no reaction time and therefore maybe put hem into panic mode. Bad things tend to happen when people are panicked. I have to time it just right. I should probably start thinking about informing my extended family. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do it in person, but rather by email or letter. I spoke with Ann the other day and we came upon the topic of when to tell her children. I told her to hold off until spring. I am feeling like there won’t be much Christopher over the holidays. The guise is getting thinner, and therefore easier to see through. That façade that I built up over so long is now eroding at an ever increasingly rapid pace. I am glad of it. I am getting closer to the time when I can finally move on and put this all behind me.
November promises to be a very busy transition month. I have a hair removal treatment planned, two therapy sessions, and of course my shots. Petra recommended that I go to my health insurance office and ask about a Gutachter, or a psychiatrist that confirms my gender dysphoria and gives legal opinion to that effect. She suggested that I go in female mode and ask them if they have anyone they can recommend that speaks English. Once I have approval from the Gutachter, the health insurance will pay for other procedures in addition to the hormones. I will have to think about this. I was contemplating going to my doctor for my shots in female mode sometime, and I guess I could go to the health insurance office right after. I might do it Tuesday, as I have the guys coming to put new wallpaper up and fix a hole in the wall. I took the whole day off.
Things are bound to get a whole lot more complicated in the next few months. We’ll see if I can keep it together and manage it all effectively. Wish me luck. I am very thankful that everything so far has worked out positively, and for all the people that support me through this.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 11:57 AM
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