Weihnachten 2005

Let me preface this post by saying that I wish to not be writing such long posts anymore. The need to write such long posts has arisen from my laziness and unwillingness to sit in front of my pc for any length of time. The last three weeks have been quite a ride in many respects. I have learned a great deal about myself and those around me.

Wed 14.12 – A Continuation. I left off last time with me getting into the shower to get ready to go to the Psychiatrist in Bad Homburg. I had ordered some clothes and shoes from the internet and was hoping they would come before I got in the shower. They usually deliver around mid afternoon. I was able to shower and shave before the doorbell started ringing. Both packages came and I tried the stuff that I wanted to wear on. It didn’t all fit, but the pants and top and boots I wanted to wear did. I try to make a good impression on people when I am out and about.

I took the train all the way there from right outside my apartment. Bad Homburg is situated right near to where my new company has their main European office, in Ober Ursel. I had never been on the S6 for that streck. I had to walk from the train station a few blocks to the doc’s office. There was a neat looking footbridge that I had to walk over to get there. His office was in an old art nouveau house, and the inside was beautiful. I first met the doc’s assistant, a very pleasant young woman, and started filling out paperwork. The doc came in and greeted me and we were off to the sitting room. I supplied some background information regarding myself such as family, why I am here, etc. We had a good conversation and I felt comfortable with him and his assistant. They gave me copies of the German guidelines and also some biographical stuff to fill out. We set the next appointment for Fri. 06.01, and I left. I went to bed early that night.

15.12 – I got up and made coffee so I could sit comfortably and read the Transsexuellengesetz (TSG). I read through it and actually understood most of it, and it was what I was expecting to read. I spoke with Mari about getting together that evening and then went shopping in city center. I tried on many coats in H&M and some shoes at Danny and then went to the Xmas markt on the Marktplatz to get last minute gifts. I got back home and started to wrap some presents when Mari called. She had just got home from her school and was feeling very tired. I walked over to her place, and picked up a couple of pfungstadters along the way. We ordered pizza and drank some beer. We talked a lot about different things, but I went home fairly early to allow Mari to get some sleep.

16.12 – I had to be at work for 9 to go on a field trip to perform some industrial espionage. We were granted an up-close look, with cameras, of our closest competitor’s machine who is already working with our new owners. It was a good trip, except for when I decided to wash my hands. The soap was the pumice kind, so I took off my rings and placed them in the soap dish dimple. I remember saying to myself as I was taking them off, “don’t forget your rings”. I turned around to find the paper towels and totally blanked out the rings. We headed back to work just in time for our company Xmas party in the assembly hall. Everyone was there and it was a good time. They served bier, pretzels, rolls, and smoked sausage. I realized at the party just how many people I have come to know personally at my company here. Petra approached me and told me she talked with Sandi from Detroit about the Bembles I had picked up for her, but never shipped. She said that she would ship them for me on Monday.

In an instant I realized I had left my rings in Ober Ursel lying on the sink. I attribute such events to my blonde-ness. Heike agreed to bring me there on her way home, since it is not so far out of the way. She wanted to see the facility anyway. We got there and at first nobody knew where the receptionist had put them. We ended up finding the right person who knew where they were and we left for the city. I discussed my insecurity with her about going back home and she offered some valuable advice. She dropped me off at the train station, where I caught a train back home. I got home around seven and called Helmi. He told me that Mari was still down at the Xmas party saufen. I wanted to go back, but rather stayed home and washed my laundry in preparation for my trip.

17.12 – I got up and burned the pictures of the machine to cd and collected presents for people I had missed. I walked to work with the Bembles and gifts, since I had left my bike there the day before. As I was unlocking my bike, I saw Marek and Martin. I had then remembered that Marek had asked me to help him show a customer from Caterpillar around town, but later let me off the hook because Martin had agreed to do it. Besides, I didn’t have any time to do it anyway. I went back home and got gussied up to go shopping in the city centre again. I started at Henschel and Roperts, a department store. I had to search for stuff that I liked, and ended up buying a few pieces from Mexx. Afterwards I went to the Xmas markt to get some goodies to take with me, and some nice wool knee socks. As soon as I got home Linda called to tell me she was on her way to get me. I quickly changed and we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some kitty litter and a toothbrush.

We got to La bodega for eight to meet Mari and Christi and Helmi for dinner. Mari and Christi gave me a Xmas present at dinner, but I didn’t open it until later. Helmi showed up really late as usual. I opened my present from Mari and Christi. It was an art nouveau pendant in silver with an opal in the center. I love it. It is perfect. They know me so well. I love them. Helmi gave me a wine travel kit on the way home. He knows me well, and I love him too. Linda and I went back to my apartment to get ready for bringing me to the airport in the morning. I set up the air mattress for Linda and went to bed having decided to pack in the morning. I got about three hours of sleep.

18.12 – I got up at five thirty to finish my packing. I skipped the shower as it would have made me way too late. I managed to get everything into my suitcase and we were off to the airport. Linda dropped me off outside and we hugged and said our goodbyes. The line in the terminal was a mile long. I was sure I was going to miss my flight. There were many other people around me that were supposed to be on my flight, so I didn’t get too worried. I was in line for the security check when I realized that I forgot a leatherman tool in my carry-on. I spoke with a screener about getting rid of it for me, but she informed me that they have a new service where they will hold the sharp objects for six weeks and you can come back and claim them for three euro. She persuaded me to do it. As I went through the metal detector, it beeped. The woman I had spoken with asked her female colleague to frisk the frau, meaning me. Cool! Her other colleagues looked at me and then back at her and started to laugh. I wasn’t expecting this, so I laughed as well. I was in androgynous mode for the flight. I wonder what made her assume I was a frau. Was it the conversation? Was it purely my appearance? It was probably a little of both. It felt good though.

I made my flight to Detroit. I wasn’t able to sleep as much as I had hoped, since there were many families with young screaming children. Marek, as it turns out was in the row in front of me, but on the opposite end of the row. We arrived in Detroit and I met the guy from caterpillar at the baggage claim with Marek. I bought a coffee and had a ciggy butt outside the terminal. Of course after I lit up, I thought this would be the perfect time to quit smoking. After going ten hours without a butt, it would be so much easier to just not start again. I think. I went and picked up my rental car and headed to Allison’s apartment in Auburn Hills.

I visited with Allison for a couple of hours and then headed to the ex in-laws. I arrived there to find Michelle and K-Po was there also. I hadn’t expected that. K-Po wouldn’t have known about it had I not said anything to her. I shouldn’t have contacted her at all as you will later see. Her mom had made ribs and all the fixings. K-Po and Michelle left fairly early and I stayed to talk with the ‘rents for a little while longer. We talked about them wanting to go back to Slovakia to visit their cousins again. It was a good visit, but I could still sense a bit of uneasiness from Bill. I thanked them and wished them Happy Holidays and went back to Allison’s.

19.12 – I was in male mode again this day, as I was to visit my old job for a couple of hours later. I dried my hair though. Allison and I went to breakfast at a greasy spoon in Pontiac. We were waiting to be seated when the bubbly waitress greeted us and said, “Where would you like to sit ladies?” Again, I was in male/androgynous mode. Again, Cool! We ate our cholesterol specials and then drove back to her place. I headed over to my old job to visit. I spoke with my old boss, civilly, which was nice because when I left we didn’t say goodbye. He was upset with me for leaving him in lurch once again. Sandi gave me a card with 200 dollars in it for the Bembles. I told Iza about my transition while we were outside having a smoke together. I didn’t worry about telling her, as she had confided with me about some very personal things going on in her life, and somehow I felt I could trust her. She was glad I had told her and she said that she could tell I trusted her enough to tell her such a secret. I gave her a website that she could check out to get some more info if she was interested.

I went back to Allison’s to get changed for going out to dinner at a steakhouse with some of my trans friends. We had a wonderful time. Jennifer took some pictures that I will post along with this. It felt really good to be out with my old friends from Detroit.



20.12 – Allison was gone before I got up. She flew to Arizona to be with her parents and siblings for the holidays. I decided I would skip the shower and get dressed to go and change my name. I first had to go to the secretary of state to update the address on my license, should that come up. I then went to the county clerk’s office to get the paperwork I needed to fill out and file. I asked for a six-week buffer for my hearing instead of the standard four. All the women working at the county clerk’s office were super nice and very helpful. I asked if I could get fingerprinted at the sheriff’s across the street, they said yes, and then asked me where I was parked. Parked? If I can see it, I can walk to it. And so I did. I went in the front entrance and asked about the fingerprinting. The nice officer said it was around back in a new annex, again the question “where are you parked?” I told him I would walk it, and he said “but it’s all the way around the back of the building”. I couldn’t believe how insistent everyone was that I not walk anywhere. I walked it just the same. I got that done and went to Meijer to buy a hairdryer, since Allison had taken hers with her.

I showered and got ready to go to my old support group in Ferndale. I called K-Po along the way to see if I could stop by and speak with her. I should have left it alone, but of course I didn’t. I met her in her hallway and feeling very insecure, I overcompensated by trying to show her my physical development. Again big mistake. In hindsight, I should have just forgotten about her as she did me. She seemed really superficial to me, which told me that she didn’t care to know how I was doing or to even see me again. I left and went to my support group.

Julia and Joe were there for the first time in months, and it was so nice to see them and the rest of the group. Everyone remarked how much happier and confident I seemed. That made me feel good that what I was feeling was obvious to those around me. I went back to Allison’s place to pack for my flight in the morning.

21.12 I decided I was going to travel in female mode and got ready to leave. All the people at the airport were friendly and helpful even though my ID didn’t match my appearance. I wonder if that is part of their training to be able to deal with such a situation. Maybe not. I remembered as I was walking across the street the night before, how I would usually be scared someone would see me in female mode. But last night was different in that I didn’t have that fear anymore. That was a nice revelation.

While I was waiting in Detroit for my flight, I called ma to tell her she would be picking up her daughter. She said “oh, ok”. I figured I had better warn her. I got off the flight and saw ma and Lenny as I was going down the escalator to the baggage claim. Ma said immediately, “you look just like Jen”. I asked her if she was ok with me and she said yes. We went to the supermarket together to pick up some soy milk and other little things. Lenny brought me to get the mustang from Jen and Diane’s house. I went back to ma’s afterwards to wait for Rachel to get there for dinner. While we were outside having a smoke together, David called and discussed with me how I was going to be on Xmas day around the children. I agreed to be in male mode for the nieces and nephews on Xmas. I had told Ann to wait to tell her children until springtime anyway. This upset me a bit later and I discussed my feelings with ma.

I called Ann later on before I headed over to Jen and Diane’s to sleep. I went by to visit with Ann and David for a few minutes after the girls were in bed for a while. She said I look like Jen. We chatted for a little while and then I went to Jen and Diane’s to wait for Jen to get home from work. Diane and I had dozed off by the time she got home. I stayed up for a beer and then went to bed.

22.12 – I got up and got ready to go shopping for my last minute Xmas gifts. I went to the mall and got most of my shopping done in a couple of hours. I also bought a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses for myself. They are the large lens kind with a tortoise shell frame. I love them. I also was looking at bags in Filene’s, where I fell in love with a Dooney there. I went back to ma’s to have some dinner. I spoke with Lizzy in the phone and told her I would be up around her place to finish my shopping that evening. I thought about stopping by for a couple of minutes, but I wasn’t sure if would.

I went to the Braintree mall to get gift cards for Aunt Nancy. Afterwards I looked through H&M and then went to Filene’s Basement, a rather large designer discount store. I looked at lots of handbags and wallets, and ended up buying a large BCBG Girls bag and three wallets. I left there and went to fill up the car. I noticed that the front tires were a little low, so I decided to fill them, but didn’t have the correct change for the air machine. I asked the cashier for some change for the air and he quickly punched some numbers on his keypad and said “it’s free for you”. Wow, I’m not sure where that came from, but I liked it. I decided to head back to ma’s since it was already getting pretty late.

23.12 – Rachel wanted me to come to visit her on the Island Friday night until Saturday morning. I spoke with her in the morning before I got in the shower. She said it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to come in female mode because of Tim not knowing yet. I reluctantly agreed. After the phone call, I became really upset feeling like everyone was more concerned that I don’t ruin Xmas with my silly dressing. I felt like leaving totally, feeling unaccepted. I would later realize that I needed to take things slower with family, and the real reason that I was upset is that I had very little contact with them since I moved to Germany. I talked about it with Ann, Rachel, and Lizzy. I told them how I was feeling and that I would hope we communicate better in the future. I also told them this is probably the last time that they will be able to ask me to be in male mode for the kids. They all accepted this and committed to doing something about it in the near future. I was such an insecure ball of emotion in the first couple of days there.

I was so upset I decided I wasn’t going to the Island to see Rachel and Tim. I went to Antil’s to pick up some Gorton for my ex father-in-law. I went to the mall in male mode and finished my shopping. I was waiting in line and realized how silly I was acting and that I needed to lighten up and enjoy my time there. I spoke with Rachel and decided that I would come after all. I went back to ma’s for dinner and had it out with Lizzy. I was starting to cry and she almost did too. I had to let out my disappointment about not staying in contact with each other. I was feeling very good about myself and my female presentation that almost none of them knew about because we hadn’t spoken in so long. This new found freedom to express myself was sort of new for me also, as I had lived most of my time this vacation in female mode. It felt good and scary at the same time. I had wanted to be able to do this for years, to see if I could actually hack it. And I think I can.

Lenny brought me to the fast ferry to the Island. There was a high school basketball team on board for their trip home. Rachel picked me up on the other side in Vineyard Haven in her Malibu. We picked up Tim on our way to her house. She showed me around and we ate some pizza and drank some wine. We watched movies until she fell asleep on the couch. I went to bed.

24.12 – We awoke to Tim asking if we wanted pancakes for breakfast. Rach made some coffee and we had a smoke. While we were outside, Tim showed us all of his pellet and paintball guns. He is way too excited about guns. We ate breakfast and then they brought me back to the boat. Lizzy picked me up from the boat at the dock in downtown New Bedford. She brought me back to ma’s where I showered and got ready for the evening. I went to pick up Jen in the mustang and we took a drive to fort Rodman in the south end. We talked a bit about what’s going on and had a good time of it. We returned to ma’s to have a steak dinner. I have eaten way too much red meat in the last two months between being in France and in the states. We had a nice evening with munchies, wine and good conversation. It felt good to be with ma, Rach, Jen, Diane, and Lizzy.

25.12 – Merry Christmas! We all got up around nine and had some coffee and started opening presents. Afterwards I got showered and dressed for when the rest of the family would be there. It was a fun day watching all the kids open their presents and also to catch up with the rest of the sisters. Ma bought me a lime green sweater from the gap and gave me gift card for Joann Fabrics. Even though I spent the day in male mode, I still had a good time. In hindsight it was a better idea for me to be in male mode on Xmas. They were right; it would have been too much for the kids especially on Christmas. I stayed at Jen and Diane’s that night.

26.12 – I got up fairly early to get ready to go shopping with Rach. I spoke with her and she told me that Ann had told her girls about me and how I was changing. She said she would tell Tim also in anticipation of me showing up at ma’s in female mode to go shopping. I was nervous about going there, but I held my chin up and went in. Tim didn’t show much of a reaction at first. I called Michelle to tell her that Ann and Rach had already told their kids about me and that I just wanted her to know that. She said she needed a little more time and information before she would tell Emilie and Oliver. I told her that I didn’t want to push her, but rather just to discuss it with her. I gave her the link to TS Roadmap to go to for more information.

Rach, Tim, and I got into the car to go shopping as Lizzy came to the door so I went to see what she wanted. She offered to take Tim with her and ma if he didn’t feel comfortable going with me and Rach. I asked him and he began crying, saying that it was too overwhelming and he decided to go with them. I began to feel bad about it, but Rach assured me that he would be ok. That made me feel a little better. I felt sad and that I would be warping all their young minds with my transition. I realized at that moment how difficult it would be for them to understand why.

Rach and I went to Filene’s where I bought the Dooney bag with the help of the gift cards I got for Christmas. I also bought a travel jewelry box, brown leather gloves, a brown scarf, and noise canceling earbud earphones. WE had lunch at the Panera in the North Dartmouth mall, yummy! When we got back to ma’s Tim apologized for earlier in the day, but I told him he didn’t have to and that I understand why he felt the way he did. He showed me the gun case he was building with Lenny in the cellar workshop. Lizzy told me I looked too flashy with what I had on, but I felt ok with it. I changed into jeans and the new sweater ma had given me for Xmas. Ma gave me my hormone shots after dinner. We all had a quiet night, most of which I spent getting ready to travel back to Detroit in the morning.

27.12 – I got up early to get ready for my flight back to Detroit. Lizzy brought me to the airport, hugged me and I was on my way. Checking in was super easy, there wasn’t even a line. My bag was overweight by six pounds, so I had to pay 25 dollars extra. I wasn’t about to re-pack it at that point. I reached Detroit without a problem and went to pick up my next rental car, a Mazda 6. It had one of those manual-automatic transmissions which was pretty neat. As I was driving from the airport toward the northern suburbs, I called my ex in-laws to see if they were home. Ma was there but Pa wasn’t. Good, because I wasn’t sure if I should show myself there in female mode with Pa there. I got there and was greeted with a warm smile from ma and gave her the Gorton I had brought for Pa. Just then Marty called and I chatted with him for a minute. By the end of the call, Pa came home with his friend Steve. They were both clearly totally uncomfortable and speechless. I wish this wasn’t such a shock to people that have only known me as Christopher. It makes me feel sad. I wish that they could rather see how happy I am and overlook the different appearance. I’m not sure how I feel about that encounter yet. I know for sure how K-Po feels about though, not good. She told me so in an email I received yesterday.

I later drove around picking up some odds and ends while killing time until I would meet Kat, my former laser treatment giver. She was babysitting up until two thirty, which ended up being more like five o’clock. We decided that we would instead meet for breakfast in Ferndale the next morning before I fly home. I went Allison’s to get ready to go to my support group once again. At the support group I discussed my trip out east and what had happened with the children. Afterwards, Jenny and I went to Como’s, just the two of us, for dinner. We split a pizza and had a glass of wine. We chatted quite a bit about her upcoming SRS surgery in January. She seemed very relaxed and confident she was ready to make that step. I am happy for her. Jenny and Allison are my best friends back in the states, and I love and miss them both very much.

I went back to Allison’s afterwards to finish packing and to get some sleep. I decided I was going to travel back to Germany in female mode.

28.12 – I got up and got ready to meet Kat for breakfast at Bart’s in Ferndale. I was running a little late and therefore called her to let her know. I finished up at Allison’s and headed to Ferndale. I had wanted to leave her a nice thank you card, but in the end didn’t have enough time for all of it. I met Kat at the diner and we chatted for a while over breakfast. We left and went to my car so I could give her the info on the new laser treatments I was doing. We hugged and said our goodbyes until next time I am in town. I then headed for the airport to check in for my flight. When I finally got to the counter, the woman looked at me and then my passport and asked me if this was really me. I assured her, yes, I am the same person as in my passport. I went through security and then had to wait for an hour and a half for boarding. I found a really comfortable chair and lounged for the next hours.

29.12 – I tried to sleep as much as I could on the flight, my new earbuds and earplugs helped, but in the end I didn’t get much shuteye. It seemed to go by fairly quickly thankfully. As we were about to land in Ffm, some guy and his wife had taken all their stuff out of the overheads and put it on the floor and in the aisle. The flight attendants had to argue with them to put it back up. One of them asked if he understood, to which the other replied, “yeah he understands, I just got called a bitch”. Bad scene. Then there was this young college kid that suddenly was getting really loud about getting arrested for partying too hard. As we were taxiing to the gate, he quickly got up and grabbed his bag out of the overhead and was met by the flight attendants telling him to put it back. I have found that it makes no difference in de-planing speed whether you have your stuff before you land or not.

I went through customs with no problems and then found my bag. I debated on whether or not to take the bus or to take the train home. I decided to go by train. I had to wait in Ffm hauptbahnhof for my next train. I went to a little café to have a coffee and a pastry. After I took the first bite of the choco-croissant, I realized why I like living in Germany. I finally got home around ten in the morning. I called Linda to let her know I had made it back ok and that I was going to sleep. I slept from twelve until six in the evening, then got up and made something to eat. I went back to bed at around midnight and slept all the way through to nine the next morning.

30.12 – I felt a little disoriented when I got up. A couple of cups of coffee helped to set things straight again. I got ready to go to Ffm to meet Linda for a coffee at lunchtime. We met and chatted for a while and then we walked together to the post office to mail some letters for her job. I left her and went to look for coats. I found some nice wool coats at Peek and Kloppenburg that were on sale. I decided to wait on buying them to show Linda first to see what she thought. Plus the store was mobbed and I couldn’t decide. I tried on a pair of blue cowboy boots, but they were a little too tight. I met Linda after she got off work at five and we took the train back to her place.

We went to the Buffalo Outlet in Neu Isenberg where I bought a nice pair of pointy toed flats with little heart cutouts in them for 19 euro. Afterwards we went to wal-mart to shop for our new year’s dinner, tacos. We finished up there and we drove Darmstadt where we ate dinner at Burger King. She brought me home and I called Marion. She and Christi were at the Pilhun and said I should come and have a couple of beers with them. I said I would and started walking to the Pilhun to meet up with them.

I got there and ordered a beer. I was a little nervous at first, but loosened up quickly once I started chatting with Mari and Christi. Later on in the evening, some of Marion’s friends showed up whom I had met before over the past couple of years as Christopher, and now they had met Christine. Their reactions were ones of surprise and support. After about seven beers for me, and nine for Mari and Christi, we all left together. George and Mareika both hugged me on the way out and offered their support. I walked with Mari and Christi back to their apartment and there they convinced me to stay over. Mari was pretty drunk and also hungry, so she cooked us something to eat and we went to bed.

31.12 – Mari went to go get some food for breakfast, which we promptly ate. I hung out for a little while with them, then made my way home. After I got home I showered and shaved my now hairy legs, since I hadn’t shaved them in two weeks. I spoke with Linda, who told me not to rush to get ready, so I didn’t. I ended up getting to the NI train station at about seven thirty. We went back to her place where I started cooking the taco meat. We had a nice meal complete with a nice red wine. As midnight drew closer, the fireworks outside hit a fever pitch. We went out on the balcony of her apartment to watch them for a while. I began to cry because it all seemed so beautiful that everyone was celebrating and having a good time. We didn’t stay up too late.

01.02 – Linda got up and made coffee for us. She then cooked the turkey bacon for breakfast. The pancake mix came in a plastic bottle that all you have to do is add the correct amount of water and shake it. She poured the first pancake in the pan and then placed the bottle on a still warm burner. I didn’t notice at first, when I did, I asked her if that was safe. She picked up the bottle and the batter came rushing out all over the stove, as the bottom of the bottle had melted on the burner. Shit. We had a good laugh about it and decided to cook the biscuits instead. We ate bacon and biscuits for breakfast. Linda wasn’t feeling so well so she took a nap for a while. She later brought me home and I went to bed early.

02.01- I got up and checked my email to find that K-Po had written me a nasty, mean email. I anticipated such an email after her father seeing me in female mode, when she had asked me not to do it. I figured he will eventually end up seeing me like that, so why not get it out of the way? Apparently she didn’t see it that way. I am debating on whether or not to publish the text of the email. I’m sure she won’t be reading my blog anymore, considering her scathing words to me. At first I felt angry, how dare her. Then I realized her comments were exactly what my intuition was telling me she felt inside but wasn’t telling me. I was fighting becoming upset, as her words were clearly meant to destabilize me. It partially worked, but mostly didn’t. I felt good that I didn’t let it get me down. More on this next post.

I got ready and took the train to Ffm to meet Linda when she got off work. I went and bought some patterns in the meantime and also checked to see if the coats were further marked down, or even still there. I met Linda at the Central Park café for a coffee. We discussed the email from K-Po and looked at my patterns that I had bought. We rode the train together, with her getting off at the NI stop. I continued on to DA and home. I relaxed a bit and then wrote the outline for this post.

Soooo…those are the events of the last three weeks. I will post again today or tomorrow with my commentary regarding my feelings about this time once I have fully pondered it.