Tor!

Tor! is German for goal, or score in soccer. The whole country has World Cup Soccer fever, including me. I have watched more soccer games in the last two weeks than I have ever watched in my life thus far. It’s infectious. I’ve learned quite a bit of new lingo since all the games are televised in German. The Swedes were my favorite until they went up against Germany yesterday and lost 2-0. Now they are out. The American team wasn’t up to the challenge and was eliminated in the first round. I predict that the final game will be between England and Germany. I watched the Germany vs. Sweden game with Mari and Christi at 603qm. After the Germans won we walked down to the city center where everyone was partying. The police shut off all the traffic in the center because of the crowds. We walked a bit with the parade of happy fans and ended up in the Krone for the rest of the night. In the end I’m not quite sure how many beers I drank, perhaps 7 or 8. I am feeling it today. We all had a very good time.

Seems I have survived yet another year on this God forsaken planet. I turned ?6 on Thursday of this week. I tried very hard to not get aggravated at work, but I made the mistake of asking the cost analyst a simple question. An hour or so later I left his presence on the verge of tears of frustration. I am almost to the point where I can’t speak with him and not get upset. Helmi pushed me to carry on and go out to dinner for my birthday and I am glad he did. We picked up Mari and Christi and headed for the Odenwald. I wanted to go somewhere that we don’t usually go to, so I chose the Indian-German restaurant “Zum Odenwald” in Groß Umstadt. They didn’t have the lamb to make my favorite, Lamb Biryani, so I went with a mixed lamb and pork with red curry dish. It was hot and delicious. Mari and Christi gave me a small heart shaped clutch in light blue with beads and sequins, very cute. Helmi gave me a bottle of gran reserve Rijoha. There was a group of regulars sitting around a big table bullshitting about football. At the end of the table was the chef from the restaurant that was right next door to where we used to live in Hering. He looked right at me a couple of times but didn’t recognize me at all. One of the other guys latched on to us and decided he was going to chat with us, about what, in the end I have no idea. It was fun though. The Indian Chef shook our hands as we were leaving and wished us a good evening. I think I will take my birthday off next year.

I have been relatively productive at my sewing projects since I wrote last. That’s part of the reason why I haven’t written in so long. I made a black top with puffy sleeves and a V-neck with a gather between the breasts. That top was an experiment in using clear elastic which I eventually learned how to handle. I am happy with the result. I also made a six-gore A-line blue denim skirt that fit a little too tight in the waist. I guess I didn’t allow enough wearing ease. Oh well, better luck next time. I started and have almost finished the Vogue military style jean jacket. I am happy with how it is coming out except for the top stitching. I need to get better at topstitching. All I have left now are the sleeves and to hem it. I tested a fading damaging process that I read about on the net, the only problem was that I wasn’t able to buy the right product here, namely Cascade dishwashing machine liquid. The closest thing that I was able to find was toilet cleaning gel with bleach which didn’t work so well. I want to try to find an old camping wash drum to use for stonewashing. I had the idea that I could buy a bunch of pumice foot stones and break them up into small jagged pieces. Using the camping wash drum would be perfect because I would surely ruin my normal washer if I stonewashed anything in it. I have many projects that I want to accomplish in the coming weeks.

I bought some bargain fabrics at Karstadt on the Saturday that I went to Camper in Ffm. At camper I bought some silver ballerina flats because they didn’t have anything that I really wanted, seems I missed the opportunities of the spring summer line. I will have to be better prepared next summer. I also bought a pair of black strappy sandals and a white pair of sneaker-like shoes. I still haven’t been able to find a good fitting and stylish pair of brown flats to go with the beige, brown and green fabrics that I have bought. Bummer.

It has been really hot here lately and I want to go swimming. My dilemma is this, I can be convincing everywhere except for the crotch area. That is a problem. I was contemplating buying some good swimsuit fabric and try to make a very tight fitting panty that I could wear under a swimsuit bottom. Something to conceal the parts that don’t match the rest. I can’t imagine not going swimming for the next two years or until I go through with the operation. There isn’t much feeling left down there anyway, so I don’t think a constricting panty would do any harm. I am feeling so much better about my body and I don’t want to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with how I look anymore. I fear putting on a bathing suit and showing up at the beach. I used to have a lot more fears about being out in public, but now I feel very comfy in most situations, even when I see people that had first seen me as a man. I have also been seeing more of Mari’s circle of friends for the first time as Christine.

I have gained a lot of confidence in myself as of recently. I am glad that I now have the option to wear very light clothing which includes lots of skirts. My legs are white as the driven snow but I don’t care, comfort in this heat is all that matters. It makes me feel good when I am wearing an outfit that I made myself. As I make more things that feeling will come more often. I am thankful to have the patience and the skills to create my own designs.

I am also thankful that Kpo and I are getting along again, I missed her terribly. I hope it continues, and I am thankful for her support.

Ellie at work the other day asked me how I would react if a guy came on to me when I was out. I got a little frustrated because I am still not sure if I like women more than men or vice versa. I realize this is an issue that I will have to deal with eventually, but I am still not quite sure of what I really want. I become very lonely sometimes and wish I had a companion to share some of my time with. For a while I would sleep all the time as a means of running from the loneliness, but I wasn’t getting anything accomplished and all the extra rest didn’t really help either. I am glad that I have started sewing again instead of sleeping all the time. I get a real sense of accomplishment when I make something for myself and it fits well.

I need to finally write the letter to my American colleagues and mail the letter to my extended family. I also need to finish changing my name with many accounts and services. I need to get past this beginning phase of explanations and name changes so that I can finally enjoy life without having to look back or explain so often anymore. I need to find the ambition to bring this chapter to a close and move on. I have absolutely no more doubts that I have made the correct decision and therefore I am resolute as I go further. I am so fortunate now that everyone who is important to me has accepted me for who I feel myself to be. There are still others that I need to tell and that will happen fairly soon. I am really enjoying my new life as a female, and I am starting to feel “normal”. Since I have come out the only thing that tends to upset me now is my job. All the times in the past when I was filled with deep self doubt seem so distant now, although it was only a few short months ago that I felt that way. I am so happy that I finally decided to take the plunge and make the switch. I feel going back to being a man is not really an option anymore, and so be it.