give till it hurts

She can save her righteous hypocrisy for someone who doesn’t know her.  I wish I was one of those people right now.  The whole time we were together I never once saw her do something in the way of community service or the like.  Maybe she has finally taken enough time away from trying to fix herself to help someone else.

I shouldn’t do this, but I am going to anyway.  Love is a tough thing to experience.

When it comes to giving of myself, I would rather do something in the way of community service rather than helping individuals out (financially).  To clarify, in community service one can give financially or give some time to do some work of some sort.  I have found community service to be very satisfying, knowing that I have helped someone out that needs it and would surely be grateful for it.  I have actually contemplated getting involved with some sort of community service to become more involved in my community, to help others out, and possibly meet some new people.

Someone recently asked me if I had any friends outside of the trans community and work.  I thought about it for a second and the answer was no.  That troubled me a bit.  I long to have a night out or something where there aren’t any conversations about trans issues or how work sucks.  I figured community service was a good bet to take my mind off of being lonely, and hopefully replace that feeling with satisfaction that I was doing something good for someone I didn’t know, but I knew needed it.  I am going to look into it because I thought of doing it myself, and not because she mentioned it, that was pure coincidence.

Now on to the clarification of why I shouldn’t, but still do, help individuals out financially and in other ways.  I should first state that I feel that personal relationships should be mutual.  Even though I feel that way, I continually get into personal relationships where I get burned in some way.  I simply cannot say no, that is my problem.  Here’s some history…

Marcus.  He was a star football player in high school until he decided he was going to break someone’s jaw over a girl and was sent to jail. End of football career.  I met him when I started college and we were the same age.  He made his way through life leeching off of girlfriends, all of which he would physically abuse.  He always had some sort of warrants for his arrest hanging over him.  He was always trying to pull one over on everyone.  When he would fall on hard times I would lend him money.  When he had no place to live I would drive him around until he found someone who would let him stay the night.  When that didn’t work out, I would sneak him into my mother’s house.  I was like one of his girls, the only difference is he didn’t beat me and he didn’t fuck me.  I would end up paying for everything because he couldn’t hold a job.  His childhood friends had no problem saying no to him, so I was left holding the bag.  I bailed him out of jail for $1000 once, with the understanding that he would show up for court so I could get my money back.  When it came time for the court date, the answer was “court, what are you crazy?  They’re going to lock me down and there’s no way I am spending the summer in jail.”  I lost my bail money and he was picked up three weeks later by the sheriffs.  By the time I finally got away from him by moving to Detroit, I had lost over $3000 on him, and got a broken foot to boot.

Then there was Donna.  I met her when I was with Marcus at a club night.  I took her home and slept over but nothing happened.  I saw her a couple of more times before we had sex.  A short time later she told me she had a three year old daughter and that she was pregnant again, but it wasn’t mine.  Her daughter lived with her parents in Taunton.  I decided to stay with her anyway.  As her pregnancy progressed, she ended up living in a foster home right down the street from my mom’s house, where I was living at the time.  A short time after she gave birth to her son, we decided to move in together in an apartment in Fall River.  She regained custody of her daughter again and all four of us lived in the apartment together.  I supported all four of us for a year and a half.  I bought her a car and a new television.  It all ended when I found out she fucked some toothless crackhead in our bed.  There’s more to the story, which I will write someday, but that is the long and short of it.

Then there was my last relationship.  We moved in together about five months after we started dating.  She moved in with me in the house I was renting.  She started college but hadn’t finished, so I offered to support her while she went back full time to get her degree.  I paid the tuition as well.  I bought her a car.  Without getting into too much detail, I supported her for the whole seven years we were together for all intensive purposes.  When we got divorced, she got a nice chunk of change and my car, which she is probably still driving today.  The story isn’t quite as simple as that, but I am the asshole nevertheless because I decided I needed to be female to be happy.

When I moved back here, I met up with Kirsten and Tommi again.  Kirsten is trans like me.  They were planning on moving to another house and asked if they could borrow some money for six months.  I loaned them 2500 euro without any paperwork to keep them honest.  I trust far too easily.  A short time later, I spoke with Kirsten and she played dumb, asking “did you lend Tommi money?” I told her yes and that I had the understanding that she knew about it.  She told me she didn’t know about it.  She also told me that he had used her for money and she had no idea where it all went.  I called and spoke to them both at the same time and they both had conflicting stories about the money.  At that point I basically wrote the money off as gone and I would never get it back.  Kirsten told me she was going to have Tommi arrested and deported.  I called again about seven months later to find they were still together and that they didn’t have any money to pay me back.  I again wrote it off.  I don’t ever expect to see that money again.

Replacing the starter in Linda’s car on Monday made me feel good that I helped her out.  The actual work I hated though.  My point is that I feel that I am a female, and most females don’t usually work on cars.  So it was really something to get me to do that again.

I have a definite problem with trusting others too easily.  I have routinely stayed in bad relationships to the point where I can’t take the abuse anymore.  I’m not quite sure why, as I am still trying to figure that out.  The closest thing I can come up with is that I have this intense desire to feel needed and loved, even though I fully know that the other doesn’t necessarily love me.  My only hope is that my relationships as a female will be different.

I’m not sure what the point of writing this post was.  I am really confused by what my nutter ex is trying to do to me now.  She is trying to convince me that I am an egotistical and very self centered person.  She is succeeding, obviously.  I was silent about her since the last time she was trying to push me over the edge, because she almost succeeded.  This time she has duped me into thinking that she actually cares about my sister and I let her in again.

I don’t claim to be a victim.  Everything that I have got myself into, I went into fully knowing that I would be hurt in some way in the end.  Going into transition was something that I knew I had to do for myself, and I tend to think the shit I put myself through before was just a distraction so I would have an excuse not to do it.  For instance, my father will never understand, I am married, I don’t need it that bad, I don’t want to be a freak, etc.  Most of my life I have treated myself badly.  Maybe I shouldn’t have made it this far.  Maybe I should have been crushed while welding by the one ton steel door that was always vicariously held up by a bent hook behind me.  Sometimes I wonder if all of this is worth it, life I mean.  I have tried to make myself comfortable with my gender, which I finally am, but I have fucked up the rest of my life in doing so.  Not really, but it looks like that right now.

One thing for sure, I am not going to stop being female for anything.  She can play all the head games she wants, it’s not going to stop me.  She isn’t going to write a keyword someday that’s going to remind me of an issue that I am not dealing with, because there aren’t any.  The fact that she doesn’t get is that the issue I wasn’t dealing with was that I knew I was female and couldn’t accept it.  I am and I have.  I wouldn’t let myself have this for whatever lame excuse.  I am doing it and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it, so get over it.

Stop trying to “help” me.  All you are doing is making me bitter.  I hate you for that.  I don’t like to use that word, hate, but that is what I am feeling right now.  You are like a gangrenous leg that needs to be cut off, but I have no tools to sever you.  When I think about how you make me feel, regardless of what you say your intentions are, I don’t see it as anything else as you trying to get me to either de-transition or kill myself.  You can try to play innocent, but this is my perspective.  I don’t care what your side of the story is at this point; YOU are a mean and self centered person.  My behavior is my business, not yours.  It is not your responsibility to tell me when you think I am not living right.  Leave me alone.