happy mayday (again)

OK, it’s clear, I’m slightly depressed.  The past four weeks were very stressful on many fronts and it has taken its toll.  I should preface this by saying that I am really happy that I finally started living full time.  My mild depression usually happens when a certain person barges back into my life.  I have noticed a pattern and it has to stop.

At work, I am plagued by poor leadership which in turn makes everything more stressful than it needs to be.  I have quite a challenge in front of me with the start of working full time on the development project.  I have to be really clever with my designs to enable us to achieve our cost cutting measures and still maintain a high level of quality.

At home over Easter I set my expectations a bit too high.  Plus just being there does something to me.  Everything went well, but the dialog I had hoped would happen, didn’t.  I am hoping that the next time will be even better.  I will continue to visit as often as possible.  There was simply too much going on with the sisters, and everyone was exhausted, I could tell.  I’m just glad I was able to be there in any case.  I love my family, and I am thankful to have them.

There is someone who wins the award for the only person in my life that doesn’t accept me.  She knows who she is.  Funny thing, all the people she said I would have to give up in my life have remained.  Some relationships haven’t disintegrated; they have merely changed a bit.  I am happy and thankful that the negative possibilities have mostly turned out positive.  Sadly though the one relationship I counted on the most is gone, obliterated beyond repair.  I have tried to keep on the high road, but I keep letting myself be dragged down by the negativity and I suffer for it.  How I am feeling right now is case in point.  (I feel like I have written this same paragraph a couple of times already?!)

I can only imagine what she must be feeling, causing her to view everything that I write in a negative way.  Taking everything I do or write and turning it against me as if I am some sort of insensitive monster.  I am not an insensitive monster.  I am Christine, and I like being myself.  I need to learn to be stronger when it comes to fighting off the negativity.  Don’t go away mad, just go away.

Maybe the next time I get a negative email, I will post it here so everyone who reads this can understand what I have to deal with, and make her think twice about doing it again.  It’s starting to make me feel physically sick.  How could I be such a bad person and no one else but her tell me so?  Why do the people that I deal with on a daily basis not scold me for being such a terrible person?  Probably because I am not a bad person?  I have my faults just like anyone else, and I know what they are and I am working on changing for the better.

I have less of a problem expressing my feelings toward others now.  When someone does something for me, I make it a point to tell them how much I appreciate it.  I like being able to tell someone that I care about them and not have to feel funny about it.  Life is too short to not let others know they are needed and appreciated.

I need to break out of this slump and do some positive things for myself.  Such as making some jeans for summer, and perhaps a blazer too.  I enjoy sewing very much, but I haven’t done anything since my trip to the states to get my name changed.  Two months have passed, too long.  I have put off buying jeans because I have enough fabric to make several pairs.  Some of the colors I have don’t necessarily match my color palate, something else she was wrong about.  I have discovered that black and blues don’t work for me, but rather browns, greens, and antique pink.

I met with success in changing out Linda’s starter earlier today.  I actually got my hands dirty again.  I will hopefully not have to do anything like that for a long time.  At least I know I am still capable of doing such things should the need arise.

I think I will take a nice hot bath and relax.