Hangin with the Heiners

I am the road to recovery after a long night of fußball and Heinerfest. I skipped out on Thursday because I felt like butt after doing an hour of electrolysis. Drinking a beer and chilling made a lot more sense than being around lots of people. I left work relatively early to meet Mari and Christi at the Krone to watch the Germany vs. Argentina game. We watched the first half there and then decided to go to 603qm to watch the second half. 603qm was way too full and way too hot. I don’t like to sweat anymore if I can help it. We decided to cut and run and head toward their house. We ended up at Stephan and Yvonne’s to watch what was left of the game. Germany came out on top and all was well in heinerland. We all headed over to heinerfest after the game. Everyone at heinerfest was decked out in their colors black, red, and gold and justly celebrating the win over the scary Argentineans. We hung out in front of the Krone for a couple of hours and then decided to go to Ecstasis where there was a reggae party going on. We danced a lot and then it was time to go home. I’m not exactly sure when I got home, the main point is that I made it home.




I noticed feeling a bit insecure yesterday evening. I need to stop thinking about what people might think of me and learn to enjoy myself without such worries. I worry sometimes that I don’t seem real enough to realistically make my transition work. I should be more at ease though, because when I think about when I am at work or out in public, people may notice something about me but mostly nobody says anything negative to me directly. I get the occasional mister which is sometimes a slip, or sometimes mean but I am able to just let it roll off. I am slowly losing the jealousy that I have had of other real females, trying to remind myself that I am a female now also and that I can define myself as I truly see myself. Or perhaps it is a left over feeling that doesn’t make sense anymore since I have made the change. I feel intimidated by other women sometimes, feeling like I am not adequate at being a female. Although my confidence level is relatively high, I still have lingering insecurities. I guess I am still deathly afraid of a very embarrassing situation happening, for instance someone freaking out over me in the rest room. It might be that I know that I still have my penis, and other people can’t tell one way or the other. It is a silly worry, but I worry that somehow people know that I still have it, as if they can see it somehow. I wish my penis was no longer there because it is the most obvious clue that I was once a male. It hinders me from feeling as though I can live normally, like say, going swimming. I wish it were gone even if nothing was there to replace it. It doesn’t fit anymore and therefore it’s got to go. Once it is gone I assume most of my remaining insecurities about my body will go away. Overall I am very satisfied with how my body has changed shape, except for the painfully slow breast growth. I am still impressed and amazed when I look at my figure in the mirror. It is truly a dream come true. I like to parallel my transition to those corny coming of age movies where the tomboy sheds her tattered jeans for a smock and shocks her male peers with her feminine beauty.