Darmstadt (home)

My home for now is Darmstadt in good old Hessen. I like it here. I like not having a car. I like traveling by bus and train everywhere. It takes me almost anywhere, within reason, I want to go. I went to visit my therapist tonight in Ffm. I was using today as a test to see how I felt after the emotional turmoil of the whole [insert name here] situation. I felt good, no, great today. I was walking down the street to my doc’s office listening to the Beasties, which helped put a little bounce in my step.

I felt like I could have spoken with Jerry for more than an hour today. He offered me some panatoni (I think??) bread to eat while we were talking. It was yummy. We discussed my recent insecurities and how I have dealt with it. I had started to doubt myself again, because I was dwelling on some things that I know aren’t true, but cause me distress just the same. I used this negative energy to put my commitment to the test. I was doubting myself and feeling miserable, so I decided that I had to confront my fears and take another hard look at what I am doing and whether or not it is a correct course of action for me. When I am feeling like this I usually visit James/Cora Birk’s transition journal. He decided to back out of transition after 18 months. I recommend reading it to anyone. It is sobering for me to read such a story. It keeps me grounded. It also reminds me that I can back out anytime if I feel I am making a mistake. Today, and most other days I don’t feel I am. The days that I feel insecure in my decision are becoming few and far between.

I had blood drawn on Tuesday at my doc’s after I got my injection. They drew blood for a cholesterol test and also for an HIV test that I requested. I did something naughty back in July around the time of my third post, and I have been paranoid about it ever since. I had at least two HIV tests right before then. Anyway, other than that one time back in July, I have been celibate for about two and a half years. And before that I had only had sex with K-Po since 1998 when we started dating. I remember when we went to get tested together not too long after we met. I had divulged my mixed-up past with her, and she suggested that we get tested. I felt really nervous while we were waiting for the results, because it was a rapid type that took only 20 minutes. I hate that feeling. Therefore I am not going to have any more sex for a good long time. Oh, by the way, the result of this latest one was also NEGATIVE. I take HIV and AIDS very seriously and therefore try to avoid any unnecessary risks. I have come too far to throw it all away now.