Third ain't bad...

The Deutsche are going nuts outside.  They are celebrating their devastating 3:1 win over Portugal, securing the third place spot in the WC.  They played flawlessly and were simply stronger than the Portuguese.  Tomorrow it’s on with France and Italy playing at eight in the evening.  That is going to be a really good game with Zidane fronting the French.  Then football will be over for a while.

I had a meltdown at work on Thursday.  It all started dangerously enough with our Thursday’s melee disguised as a weekly project meeting.  I got so pissed off I started to shake.  My fellow electrical engineer, Alex, started freaking out too.  We are the ones who have to actually produce something, namely the finished design.  The rest currently serve only to slow up the process and make us both go insane.  Heike has even stopped supporting me and we don’t really speak anymore.  She sold me out.  All the managers know that the cost analyst is full of shit, but they claim there is nothing they can do about him since his boss is buddy-buddy with our pres.  After the meeting fell apart we all went to lunch.

Afterwards I tried to do some work and shut everybody else off with listening to music with my earbuds in.  Ellie came in told me that I was expected in the BU’s office.  I was joined there by my direct super and the ober project manager.  They all started ganging up on me with dieter going first.  He basically told me that I wasn’t able to work in the team anymore because I don’t want to.  I am not a team player apparently.  I told them that I was ready to quit and then they started laying on the guilt.  The pres put his reputation on the line; if I leave the project will definitely fail and all my colleagues will lose their jobs and it will be all my fault.  My voice was cracking the whole time as I was fighting back the tears.  They had to end the meeting but wanted to continue it next week, joy.  My job has turned into a total nightmare.

I left early and came home.  I sat down in my easy chair trying not to think abnout any of it, but it wasn’t working.  So I decided to go to Karstadt and look for some fabric for skirts.  I bought some turquoise stretch cotton sateen, a gray-blue stretch cotton, and some jersey for a matching top.  I felt good for about ten minutes after finding the perfect fabrics.  I went back home and then the tears started.  My job is so depressing.  I tried to sleep to forget about it all, but it was a restless nap.  Helmi wanted to come by to make sure I was ok, but he had something he absolutely had to finish.  I went to bed not too long after.

Yesterday morning I go to work to find only Alex there.  It promised to be a quiet day since the rest of the bozos weren’t there.  Not long after I settled in at my desk I began to get upset again.  Just being in that place is killing my spirit.  I swear my phantom tonsillitis was really the physical manifestation of the stress I am under.  I could tell Alex was also totally depressed so he left at noon.  I tried to enjoy the quiet of the afternoon alone in our work room.  I feel so trapped and I want to break out.  I contemplated cutting and running at the end of the summer.  Sell everything I can’t carry on my back and fly back to the states without saying a word.  In doing that I would be throwing away all my progress with my transition, not all, but some.  The only thing I can do without losing everything is to stay and try to make it through until my contract is up and be sent back to Detroit.  That’s no fun either.  I have a lot of thinking to do.