xxx files II

I am on the road to recovery after spending a week in A’dam. Transgender people really know how to party, trust me. I attended the 4th bi-annual Netherlands Transgender Film Festival from May 22-28. The atmosphere at the film festival was as one put it to me, like a family reunion. I had never been in a group with such a large trans presence before. The crowd was mixed, some straights(?), mostly gender queer, with lots of transmen. The film program was good, and the films I saw were great. The parties were even better.

I was such a sewing maniac, that on the morning that I was to travel, I started putting together the black and red swirl dress. I was hoping to get it finished quickly so I could take it with me. It’s still not finished. I suffered a severe packing time loss, and as usual, I cut it really close with the train. I made it though. I bought a pair of shoes from camper online and they were delivered also that morning. They are black flats with white polka dots, they are twins! and they are hot. I wore them with black tube jeans and the Pillhuhn T. I felt really good to be finally wearing the jeans and tops that I made. The train ride was relatively uneventful, compared to the last time.

I arrived at centraal station and then took a tram to the hotel. I checked in and then chatted with David at the front desk. He’s so nice. For some reason it seems that people in general there like to chat, probably because there are so many people coming from all over with their own unique story to tell. I went to eat some dinner at café de Klos. Inside the café is like being inside the belly of an old wooden ship. They have paintings of battles and harbors that were painted with window grating like as if you were in the captain’s quarters looking out the stern windows. Cheesy, I know, but the place has style and draws mostly a Dutch crowd. I had a filet steak with a garlic butter baked potato and a raw salad and baguette slices. One of the bartenders looked a bit rockabilly. I find rockabillies, male and female (it was binary at this point), visually stimulating. They look like they were transported to the present right out of the fifties, with pompadours and bangs. I wrote J an sms while I was waiting for my food.

After dinner, I went to my favorite coffee shop, de dampkring. T wasn’t working that night, so I didn’t stay long. I went to Saarein II for a beer, and it was very quiet there. I got a beer and went upstairs to sit at a table. There was a group of women sitting at the round table; all of them were speaking Dutch. I wrote a bit in my journal and read some more feminist lit. A handsome transman came in and sat at the table next to mine, with his back towards me. He appeared to be not so happy, almost angry even. I wonder if it is a defense system of transmen, because I have noticed this through coming in contact with more and more of them. He stayed for a little while and then hit the bricks. That wouldn’t be the last I would see of him. I chatted with the bartender for a minute, turns out she is from Texas, and I still can’t remember her name. I went back to the hotel to get some shuteye.

I got up in time to eat some b-fast, and then went to the theater, DeBalie, to try to buy my tickets for the week. The box office wasn’t open, apparently they were on lunch. I decided to go uptown to find a bike to rent. I looked all around central station and only found mac bike, they only have bikes that are bright red and scream tourist. I was getting a bit frustrated because I forgot to bring the city guide with me, and all the tourism offices were packed with people. I remembered there was one on Damrak, so walked down toward the dam. Eventually I found it, Holland bike rental. I rented a decent single speed bike, and rode back down to the theater. If one finds themselves in a’dam, and doesn’t rent a bike, you have only yourself to blame. Riding a bike in a’dam bestows a certain power to it’s rider. Pedestrians have the right of way over cars and bikes, but if they are walking or standing in the bike path they are fair game. First comes the bell, then yelling, and then the cursing starts. The bike paths remind me of when we were kids drawing streets with chalk on the pavement to either ride bikes or skateboards through.

The box office was still closed. I ate lunch around the corner at the blaue Hollander, which was traditional Dutch fare. The waitress was listening to the soundtrack from grease, and singing with it here and there. After lunch, the box office still wasn’t open, so I took a ride over to waterlooplein and walked around the flea market. There were some silver vendors there, but nothing really struck my fancy. One woman had some good stuff, but her abrasive and bitchy attitude drove me away. I rode by another silver store on the way back to my hotel, where I bought a bunch of amber jewelry. I’m not convinced that amber goes well with my complexion. I went back to the theater afterwards and bought my tickets for the week. They had a five ticket deal for 25 euro, and then I bought two additional. I went back to the hotel to unload my goodies and get ready for the evening. I stopped in the dampkring for a tea and T was working. We chatted a bit and then I headed to the theater.

I got to the theater a half hour before the opening performance. I enjoyed a coffee outside on the sidewalk tables. I spoke briefly with Eliza about tickets for the hormonotron party on Friday. They didn’t have them yet, so I just went into the performance. Kam Wai gave an introduction. I was just sitting there marveling at the crowd with a big smile on my face. It felt so good to be surrounded by my brethren; male, female, intersex, genderqueer, fags, dykes, trans, etc. rae spoon went on first, although I don’t usually go for prairie music, hir shit was tight and very relaxing. Then came lynnee breedlove exploded on stage with punk rock and queer stuffed animals. Her show was funny, but I am not sure if the Europeans really get her. She had lots of gender related anecdotes and also pissed in a bucket onstage, with the help of a pee standing up gadget for persons with a vagina. The show was a fun opening for the film fest. I bought a ticket for the party Friday after the show let out. I went for a beer at Saarein where I met P/Buck(sp) the bartender, and then to dampkring to see if T was still on. She was, but it was close to closing so I went back to the hotel to sleep. She wasn’t being as warm as she had been back in January and March.

I got up rather late, got some breakfast, and then took care of some grooming issues. I went for a bike ride to a piercing and tattoo shop to see if they had the type of nose studs I usually wear. They didn’t have a very good selection, so I didn’t get anything. It was getting close to dinnertime so I called Rakang Thai to reserve a table for me for six o’clock. I rode around a bit longer to kill some time before going to eat. When I arrived I was met with a friendly greeting and was told that they were having problems with the gas, so it would take a bit longer to get my dish. I don’t remember exactly what I ordered, but it was fried duck with yard long beans and almonds. It was just the right spiciness; I can always tell if it is hot enough by how much sweat runs down in front of my ears. Hot food gives me a rush, somewhat similar, but not quite like an orgasm. Whereas I am going on four years without sex, eating red and green chillis have become my substitute. One of the waiters was very ambiguous; s/he could be either handsome or pretty depending on the outfit. I ordered a double espresso and a grappa for desert. They gave me a refill on the grappa as compensation for the long wait for the food. They were all being very nice that evening.

I rode over to the theater just in time for the film about the Indian Hijras, “between the lines: India’s third gender. It was a very gritty full length documentary about the lives and culture of the Hijras. Their communities are made up of intersexed persons and eunuchs mostly. It was interesting to learn about these people, and the two main characters in the film were there to field questions afterwards. The Hijra that was there was called Laxmi; she was really a neat person, a bit of a ham too. I went to the bar to get a drink in between shows and struck up a conversation with one of the bartenders. He asked me about the film and I told him a little about the Hijras. He was fascinated. I think I am getting better at projecting my openness, and therefore I am able to enjoy nice little chit-chats with the straights. The next movie was “paper dolls”, and it was a documentary about a group of transwomen from the philipines that moved to Israel to get away from the oppression. They all cared for elderly orthodox Jewish men as their job, and also performed a drag cabaret at a tel aviv nightclub on the weekends. Most of them ended up moving to the UK because they were eventually pushed out of Israel. I stayed for a couple of beers at the bar afterward, and then headed out to Saarein. As I was passing prinsengracht, I passed one of the bartenders from dampkring going the other way. We made eye contact and exchanged smiles, and then we both turned to look back at each other and smiled again. That was kinda nice, but we both kept going in opposite directions. I hung out at Saarein for a few beers.

On Friday I decided to check out the Albert Cuyp Market in the southeast part of the city. Before I left the hotel I was speaking with peter at the reception when a beautiful rockabilly woman came in to meet a friend who was staying there. I didn’t put two and two together with her, but she was cool to look at. There were so many fabric stores at the market, I became slightly over stimulated. There were so many fabrics I wanted to buy, and the prices were decent, but I decided I would wait and think about it. I bought two wide hip belts, one red which matched the top I was wearing perfectly, and a black one in the same style. I wore the red one right away. The market was closing and I needed to get some dinner before the next events at the fest. I found Balti House a couple of blocks from the market and sat down for dinner. I ordered the Lamb tikka balti, which again the goodness being a factor of how much I was sweating. It almost feels like a cold sweat when a fever breaks. J had left a message on my mailbox telling me that she would be at Lelebelle at around nine, if I wanted to meet her. I called her back and agreed to meet her at rembrandtplein at nine. I went to the theater for the panel discussion on worldwide (trans)gender rights. I only was able to stay long enough for all of the panelists to give their introductory speeches. The most notable for me were Kate Bornstein, and Stephen Whittle.

I left to go meet J when there was break in the action onstage. J and I went into lellebel for a drink (I don’t really care for that place) which was packed with people. I wondered why none of them had any apparent interest in the film fest, being transwomen or transvestites. We decided to go to a quieter café near my hotel. We talked for a couple of hours which was really nice. Although we don’t know each other very well, I feel like I am talking with an old friend. She is having some health problems that I hope will pass. She took a taxi home and I went back to the hotel to put on my sneakers and grab my jacket. I rode up to the pakhuis wilhelmina for the hormonotron party (i can't seem to ge tthe link to work so just go to www.submagazine.nl/homonotron/ for pics to see if you can find my ass). They had little lockers to stow one’s stuff and it only took one euro coins. I had a two which I changed inside and then came back out to close my locker. A cute rockabilly person was also trying to deal with the lockers and asked me if I had a euro. I handed the second one over to hir, then we went in and s/he bought me a beer and we began chatting. S/he introduced hirself as D (insert feminine German name), and told me s/he was from Berlin. S/he looked like a rockabilly boy with tits, and I was instantly intrigued what s/he would want to do with me. S/he told me s/he thinks I am sweet. We chatted for a while until the punk rock on stage started. S/he grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd to the front where everyone began thrashing about, and I was loving it being right in the middle of it all with hir. That finished and we went back to the open space behind us.

Then the kingz of berlin went onstage and again s/he grabbed my hand and led me up to front of the stage. S/he knows the whole group that came to perform and visit the film fest. The Kingz had to be the best drag king show I have ever seen. The rockabilly girl that I saw at my hotel the day before was half naked onstage in one of the acts. She is so hot, and her name is wendy delorme. D introduced me to several of the kingz who were all really cool. I danced a lot with D and I told hir about the Buttkraaker cabaret that was to take place the following night. S/he said s/he would be there too. As the club was closing, D introduced me to Wendy and Lynee, I told Wendy that I thinks she is hot, and Lynee that s/he rocks. D left to go to hir friend’s house, and I went to the bathroom. I was a bit bewildered as to how I felt about what just happened. I was totally enamored with this person even though s/he is not exactly the type of person I thought I could be attracted to. I think I am developing a thing for boyish females.

When I went outside to free my bike for the ride home, W and L were trying to figure out how to get back to their lodging. They asked me about a specific street that I didn’t know. I asked w if she could find her way from my hotel since she had been there earlier. She said yes and I offered that they could ride with me until things became familiar. It was about 5 am at this point. I rode side by side with w chit-chatting the whole way. I asked her about D and if she could tell me anything about hir. She said s/he goes by the nickname hank, and that s/he is a good person. S/he had helped her when she was depressed and they are good friends. It came time to part ways, and I said goodbye and wished them a nice trip home. W gave me a hug and a three kiss-kiss and she was on her way. She is so nice and sincere; it was very nice to meet her. I got back to my hotel and there I began to try to sort out how I felt about what happened at the party. I just became more confused, so I decided to go to bed hoping that things would be clearer after sleeping the alcohol off.

I woke up Saturday just in time to catch the end of b-fast with a killer hangover. I was only motivated to get showered and dressed so that I could go and buy some aspirin. I felt like butt all day long, however short the day actually was. I went to dampkring to try to take the edge off, and there I met the bartenders M and D. M offered me some melon chunks which were very tasty. I spoke with D for a minute and then I got ready to go. I went to the toilet to pee and wash my hands. D was just coming out of the toilet as I was coming in. We chatted for a few minutes, and in those few precious minutes she told me she was prego, she didn’t know how to ride a bike, and something else I won’t mention here, but it is very personal. I congratulated her for being prego and wished her the best. She said people like her and me have to be and are strong and tough to make it in this world. I felt an instant connection with her, and was pleasantly surprised that she shared such personal things with me. That made me feel good. I hope I am able to see her again someday and also maybe her baby too.

I got to the theater to see Transparent at 4p. Transparent was a documentary about transmen who had bore children and then transitioned into living as men, and in most cases continued raising their children. I began to get upset when they showed a segment with an otherwise normal looking man’s man telling his story and then cut to a home movie clip of him as a little girl with thick blonde hair and big blue eyes wearing a pink dress. They showed this as he was still talking, and it reminded me of pictures of myself at that age. I felt as though I was about to start crying uncontrollably, so I tried to keep myself together as best I could. All I could hear were sniffles in the theater, so apparently I wasn’t the only one who was haunted by this film. J wrote me an sms and I called her back. She told me she was trying to reserve a ticket for the film Shabnam Mosi, but was having no luck getting through. I offered to get a ticket for her and we were to meet just before the start in the salon. I saw the bartender from the other night and he gave me a piece of paper with the name of a movie written on it, and he recommended that I see them (more on this some other time). I went back to the hotel to chill out before meeting J and the next film.

I met J in the foyer and we went into the film together. The film was a Bollywood film about a famous Hijra. The film was very campy and sensationalized. I was glad to have seen the documentary film on Thurs about the Hijras, because it presented a real-life glimpse into the Hijra culture. The film Shabnam Mosi was a little too make believe, but I enjoyed just the same. J did too. That was the first bollywood film for both of us. Afterwards we sat at a table in the café for a drink. I had a ticket for the next event, which was a collection of trans short films. I said goodbye to J and went into the theater. The shorts were really good. I came out of the theater into the café, where J was still where I had left her. She had struck up a conversation with the people that were sitting at the table when we parted earlier. I met them too and we discussed some of the movies and our feelings about them, and they bought me a glass of rose. I walked J to the trams and then we parted.

I headed up to chequepoint to catch the buttkraaker cabaret. I was let in through a rolling door into a narrow entrance with sort of a box office booth built into it. I paid the damage and went upstairs to be greeted by lots of the partygoers from the night before. The show was totally raw and very campy, and was a lot of queer fun. Between sets, the crowd thinned a bit to reveal that hank was sitting across the room. I went over to hir and we began talking about the show. S/he bought me a beer and I asked hir if s/he knew the rockabilly boy-girl that I had met in January when we were both stranded in Arnheim and Utrecht. S/he said s/he knew hir but that s/he did too much drugs, and s/he doesn’t run with that crowd. It’s funny how small Europe is, I have met people on separate occasions that know each other, strange but nevertheless interesting. We danced to electro for a while and then I decided I was going to go to the hotel. When we said goodbye, I could feel some tension, and I wanted to tell hir how I felt, but being that I wasn’t quite sure myself, I left it at that.

As I was getting ready to leave I remembered that ::NuNswithGuNs::, G for short, does the visuals for the buttkraaker. I asked Eliza what she looked like so I could find her, and I did. I introduced myself to her and she got a bit embarrassed about what she commented on my blog back in January. She got me a drink and we chatted for a little while. She is so cute; she is pleasantly plump with short black hair with big dark brown eyes. She was so sweet too, like an adorable little doll that I wanted to put in my bag and take home with me. As I was talking to her, I noticed hank making out with a rockabilly girl across the room. I was wondering if that could have been me, had I said more at our parting. It didn’t really bother me, because I was too unsure of my feelings and inaction seemed to be the best way to deal with it. I said goodbye to G and made a rainy bike ride back to the hotel.

I didn’t get up in time for b-fast on Sunday, bummer. I felt somehow better than I did the day before upon waking. I got dressed and went to return the bike. I stopped at mickeyD’s for a quick bite to eat and then took a tram to leidseplein. As I was walking into the foyer at DeBalie, I was greeted by giuliana who was on her way out. She asked me for my email and said she had to go to work, bummer. J came to us just as we were saying goodbye. I met J as she was going into the other theater and told her I would meet her afterwards. The first film was called Queens at Heart, which was basically interview footage with transwomen from the late 1960’s. They were all dressed very mod fabulous. It was interesting to hear the stereotypically inaccurate descriptions of them and their behavior. They were presented as homosexual men who wanted a sex change so they could sleep with men. I enjoyed it very much. Then the second segment was about an elderly transwoman who was contacted by her teenage girlfriend forty years later. The teenage girlfriend had no idea that she had transitioned, but accepted it and they became close again instantly. The transwoman in the story had been the subject of a transition documentary by the same filmmaker back in the early nineties. So this film was like a follow up on her life. It was an interesting and sweet story.

I met J in the café afterwards and she introduced me to C. C is a transman that kind of made me nervous. He kept looking at J like she was a piece of meat, which made me feel uneasy. We met the same people from the night before in the café. J and I were trying to decide where to eat when the others invited us to go eat sushi with them. I wanted to spend some more time alone with J and I am not quite ready to eat Japanese food again, so we said thanks but no thanks. We walked around the block looking for a little café that J knew of, but wasn’t exactly sure if it was still there. We eventually found it, Café de Koe (café the cow) it is called. It is a tiny place that looks like it has been there forever and is a well kept local secret. The food was wonderful and the service attentive. And it took just enough time to eat and get back to the theater for the closing.

The closing was with kate bornstein, doing readings from her books and short stories. She imitated her mom in a thick new york jew accent, “my son the lesbian.” It was interesting to learn about her life through her short stories. I like her a lot. She gave out “get out of hell free” cards to everyone at the end. I could have spoken with her afterwards, or over the course of the past days, but I felt somehow intimidated and a little embarrassed that I didn’t know much about her. I hope to see her again someday. J and I enjoyed the show very much. Kam Wai made a short speech at the end. He is truly an extraordinary person; he is the main organizer of the Netherlands Transgender Film Festival. He deserves a big hug and a kiss and much gratitude from all of us guests. J and I went and sat down in the café with our new friends and C was there also. We chatted for a couple of drinks and then said our goodbyes to the new friends.

I walked J to the tram and waited with her until hers came. I was sad to have to say goodbye, but alas we parted. I walked over to Saarein for a quiet farewell beer. I sat downstairs watching some dykes playing pool when Tinas came to buy some cigs from the machine next to where I was sitting. Tinas “the penis” asked me what I was doing all alone and said I should come upstairs and join the rest of the people. I asked if there was room for me, and he told me I only needed to wiggle my ass in. So I did. Tinas introduced me to L and M and H. We all discussed the film fest and how good it was and felt, and lots of other things too. They made me feel really at home. Eliza came by and did a short interview with me about the festival. I ended up chatting with her for a while too. Saarein was past their normal closing time by two hours. Tinas and M and H and L all convinced me to go to de trut with them before it closes. I learned how to ride as a “backer” which is just one of the skills that amsterdammers possess. A backer is when you ride on the back rack of a bike while someone else pedals. The secret is to let the driver get a rolling start as the rider runs along with them and then sits down. As one can imagine after a few beers this is not so easy. I got the hang of it though, we didn’t even crash luckily.

We made it to de trut, but they were already closed to newcomers and only Tinas got in because he works there. Blah! The club is a queer nightclub set in a squat. Their door policy is strictly homosexuals only, and sometimes if they are not sure about you, they ask that you somehow prove that you are queer. How you prove that is up to you, but it must be convincing. I was told that they frown on any semblance of heterosexual behavior, and you just might get thrown out if you don’t heed the warnings. It sounds like an interesting place; I am disappointed that we didn’t get in. We decided to go over to reality near rembrandtplein for a last beer of the night/morning(?). They were playing dancehall reggae at the little dive bar. M and L left as H and I both got another beer.

I spoke with H for a while, a would be, on the fence mtf. S/he was a bit strange. Part of the ride over I rode with hir. I asked where s/he was from, s/he replied from the UK, but really s/he was originally from Pluto. Heh? I let that little irregularity go, hoping it was just a little joke, but still feeling like s/he was serious. s/he was. S/he later told me that s/he has psychotic episodes, and all became clear. I spoke with hir about being unsure about gender and that it is ok to feel that way and that with time it would probably become clear. In the back of my mind I was thinking it was perhaps just a new psychosis, because s/he hadn’t had the contra gender feelings for very long. I have met people before that suddenly woke up one day and decided they were trans, without ever having any such feelings in the past. And some were relatively far along in life too. I find that intriguing to not be tormented as I was for so many years with these feelings. I tried to stress the need to take things slowly, with the hope that this person would seek help from a mental health professional before acting on any of these feelings. This experience made me realize why there is so much psychological scrutiny of Trans people. We finished our discussion on the walk back to my hotel. We said goodbye and I went in to get a little sleep.

I woke up in time for b-fast, they served ham and eggs. I got showered and dressed and packed before going down to breakfast. After breakfast I went to get some water and a little treat before I had to leave. I took a taxi to central station and made the train with time to spare. I was alone in a cabin for the first leg of the ride. Eventually a heavy set black woman sat opposite me from about the half way point until the end in Ffm. She offered to help me to get my suitcase down from the overhead rack. That was really sweet of her. That’s women sticking together. I will write about that theme after this novel of a post.

I left Amsterdam tired, confused, and over stimulated. I realized though that I feel most comfortable around other gender queer people like and unlike myself. I had such a good time and met so many new people that I didn’t want to leave, but I had a feeling it would eventually kill me if I stayed there too long. That was the most fun I have had in a long time. I hope to have a similar if not even better experience again someday. I am left wondering when will be my next trip to utopia.