Schlummie
I just lost two hours worth of writing. A fuse blew and I lost everything. I'll try my best to re-create it. I haven't written anything in the last week, mostly because I have gone out every night except Monday and Tuesday.
Amsterdam was a good time as always. I rented a bike and rode around getting lost the whole time. It's confusing enough without smoking anything. There's something inherently disorienting about it I have noticed. I think mostly because it all looks the same after a while. I did end up having a better feel for direction and things started to look familiar by the time I was to go back home. The arena hotel was an interesting place. It had been formerly an orphanage. The room was about 5 meters square with the cieling about the same proportion. It had a view of a canal out the enormous window. There was a small staircase that led up to a loft area with two beds. Everything was very clean and neat. Worth the 70 Euro. It was mostly a 20's-30's crowd. It was a bit outside of the city centre, but also quieter at night than in the city direct.
I decided to go there looking very androgenous. I decided to try it out, not asserting myself in any particular one gender direction. The societal gender variance expression tolerance level in Europe is much higher than in the states. In particular when it comes to physical appearance. In general, I have noticed that some males here dress more affeminite anyway, and it's not a problem but rather normal. So relatively speaking, I am not going much further with my appearance than is "normally" acceptable expression through dress. I have become comfortable with my androgenous appearance, and am not placing so much emphasis on make-up, hair and boobs. Even though it is becoming alot easier to pass, I am able to pass because I tip the scale using these tools. I feel like when I use make-up I am trying too hard.
"Just being me" is easier because there aren't as many gender cues that could possibly conflict and really confuse things. Subtlety is key, and therefore I don't feel quite as self conscious as when I present totally female. The really in-tune people I suppose pick up on my vibe, but mostly I think people in general don't really notice anybody else around them. I probably shouldn't place so much on what others think of me based on my appearance. But at the moment I am transforming the way I would normally dress at home and in public, and therefore I am a bit more insecure about myself. I suppose I will become more accustomed to it in due time. I try to notice people's reaction, or rather if there is a reaction that registers. I haven't had any negative reactions as of yet. I would rather pass naturally without effort. Hopefully that day will come, and I think it will sooner than I had originally thought. I have just started HRT five months ago but I already feel and see its' effects.
I feel good about the direction things are going, I'm just starting to worry more about how the change will affect my job. The coming-out milestones of transition are often difficult. I have the close family milestone out of the way. The next big ones are extended family and employer. The extended family one is tricky because I could possibly put it off until I had to, but the situation may arise that I need to personally be present before I divulge my plan for the future. The work situation has been weighing heavy on my mind because I hadn't really gave it too much serious thought. And it may come sooner than I had envisioned. I still need to think more about it.
I'm going to meet Chloe in Frankfurt at CSD 2005. Gotta get ready to motor.
Amsterdam was a good time as always. I rented a bike and rode around getting lost the whole time. It's confusing enough without smoking anything. There's something inherently disorienting about it I have noticed. I think mostly because it all looks the same after a while. I did end up having a better feel for direction and things started to look familiar by the time I was to go back home. The arena hotel was an interesting place. It had been formerly an orphanage. The room was about 5 meters square with the cieling about the same proportion. It had a view of a canal out the enormous window. There was a small staircase that led up to a loft area with two beds. Everything was very clean and neat. Worth the 70 Euro. It was mostly a 20's-30's crowd. It was a bit outside of the city centre, but also quieter at night than in the city direct.
I decided to go there looking very androgenous. I decided to try it out, not asserting myself in any particular one gender direction. The societal gender variance expression tolerance level in Europe is much higher than in the states. In particular when it comes to physical appearance. In general, I have noticed that some males here dress more affeminite anyway, and it's not a problem but rather normal. So relatively speaking, I am not going much further with my appearance than is "normally" acceptable expression through dress. I have become comfortable with my androgenous appearance, and am not placing so much emphasis on make-up, hair and boobs. Even though it is becoming alot easier to pass, I am able to pass because I tip the scale using these tools. I feel like when I use make-up I am trying too hard.
"Just being me" is easier because there aren't as many gender cues that could possibly conflict and really confuse things. Subtlety is key, and therefore I don't feel quite as self conscious as when I present totally female. The really in-tune people I suppose pick up on my vibe, but mostly I think people in general don't really notice anybody else around them. I probably shouldn't place so much on what others think of me based on my appearance. But at the moment I am transforming the way I would normally dress at home and in public, and therefore I am a bit more insecure about myself. I suppose I will become more accustomed to it in due time. I try to notice people's reaction, or rather if there is a reaction that registers. I haven't had any negative reactions as of yet. I would rather pass naturally without effort. Hopefully that day will come, and I think it will sooner than I had originally thought. I have just started HRT five months ago but I already feel and see its' effects.
I feel good about the direction things are going, I'm just starting to worry more about how the change will affect my job. The coming-out milestones of transition are often difficult. I have the close family milestone out of the way. The next big ones are extended family and employer. The extended family one is tricky because I could possibly put it off until I had to, but the situation may arise that I need to personally be present before I divulge my plan for the future. The work situation has been weighing heavy on my mind because I hadn't really gave it too much serious thought. And it may come sooner than I had envisioned. I still need to think more about it.
I'm going to meet Chloe in Frankfurt at CSD 2005. Gotta get ready to motor.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 12:24 PM
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