Frankfurt IV

I’m sitting here blogging listening to the Carpenters. A strange obsession it is. I developed this obsession about a decade ago when I was working construction. I was a welder and a mechanic believe it or not. When I would work with the other mechanic, Scotty “cueball” Smith, in the garage, we had to compromise on the radio station. I wanted to listen to rock or hip-hop and he the dreaded country music. The compromise we could both live with was soft rock. Soft rock, I know, but consider if you will the alternative. The soft rock station played the Carpenters every three songs, or so it seemed. That is how I how I developed this disturbing obsession. I actually bought a three CD box set of their music. I love Karen’s voice. (and Julie Andrews-scary but true)

I’m such a slacker…I didn’t write anything last week. Except for FLASH FICTION FRIDAY #7. Writing for fun and prizes! Well, maybe just fun. Kpo you may want to get in on this, check out purgatorian if you haven’t already.

How the alienation grows. I met with my financial advisor last week to pick investment options and insurances. I had wanted to buy a long term disability policy should anything happen where I wouldn’t be able to work anymore. My advisor informed me that none of the companies would offer me this insurance because I am taking hormones. She also told me that even if I stopped, I would have to wait five years after stopping to be able to be insured again. What I found most disturbing was the fact that if I continue to take hormones, which conceivably could be for the rest of my life, they would never offer me insurance because of it. I don’t get it. This is probably the cheapest of all insurance you can buy. This scares me. This is one of the most important insurances to me. I’ve already over the past years paid these people lots of money. This seems very unfair. It reeks of discrimination. I cannot let this lie.

I had a psychotherapy session today with doc Kogan in Ffm. I told him I had a blog and he was fascinated. I was the first person he had met that had a blog. He was fascinated with the concept of blogging and wanted to know more about it. It was if blogging held some mystical powers. I explained how it has been quite therapeutic for me to be able to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I have realized that since I have been blogging, I have been able to sort things out a bit. It forces me to rationalize and put into words thoughts and feelings that would ordinarily be sucked into the black hole that is my mind. Never to see the light of day again. Good thing because I was reaching critical mass. Blogging has become a form of psychotherapy for me.

I also told him about flash fiction Friday. Again fascinated. He needs to get out more. I told him about being a child during summer vacation writing short stories during rainy days. He was excited to learn that I like to write and do other creative things. Today didn’t feel very much like therapy, but I was able to talk about myself which has become a favorite pastime for me. Partly because I don’t get the opportunity to let people “in” very often. Today I didn’t really feel that I needed therapy. When he asked me what I wanted to talk about today, the only thing I had was my job insecurity. But that too is not such a big problem anymore. Last week was a very bad week at work except for Wednesday when I drove a BMW 320i to and from Püttlingen in Saarland with Doris. Everyone at work last week was off their game, the uncertain future of our group and the company in general. The last years have begun to weigh heavily on all of us. Today was better. I almost thought that I wouldn’t have anything to talk to doc Kogan about. I’m maintaining a somewhat even keel lately since my levels have balanced out. Oh that progesterone.

I’m glad I found flash fiction Fridays. It’s fun. The fellow writers are a pretty interesting bunch. I owe it all to highmaintenancehussy at Recreational Use, thanks. She is an expat that lives in the Netherlands. We all read each others’ work and leave clever comments. I hope that they are not too disturbed by what they find when they come to my blog and read my stories. If they’ve noticed, they haven’t said anything, except for a positive reinforcement by Melody ;) Maybe I should stop being so self-conscious. I like knowing that I can do things without the fear of being ostracized because of the influence my gender issues have had on my life. Thanks jj and the rest of the participants for being such cool people. It’s interesting to read what the others come up with from their individual imaginations. This week was a Victorian theme, at least for those of us who stuck to the script. I wrote a story from the servantry point of view, another from the aristocracy point of view, and another from somewhere in between. I like exercising my imagination.

Walk good.

I don’t know why I just wrote that, maybe it is to test to see if someone reads this.

I went to the Ffm Stammtich last week on Tuesday. I kept my hair up all day at work and brushed it out when I got home. I put it up and took a shower without washing it. I like my hair, sometimes. I got dressed and ready to go actually looking like I might make the early train. I started to become really anxious about my appearance. I am becoming more opposed to having to wear prosthetics to tip the scales of perception. I like just being me. All in due time, I suppose. I went to Ffm just the same. I made the train with time to spare. I got to , get this, “Fräggels” just after nine. I sat near Rita, the vespa mechanikerin. She’s really cool but I don’t seem to fit in with the rest of them. There’s a girl named Clara that has a website that I visited once but I haven’t actually spoken with her yet. She might be interesting. I have partially given up on going to Ffm on Tuesdays. I can sit home and not talk to anybody, why get all gussied up and to Ffm?

Besides, I should be designing and sewing. I attempted to make a curtain for my kitchen window. I wanted to apply an art nouveau stylized rose 20 inches square on a white background. The fabrics absolutely suck to work with. They don’t press edges well. I interfaced the rose pieces and tried to press the edges to finish them. It didn’t really work out too well. I was thinking of finishing the edges on the serger, but I have some sharp turns I need to make. Not too easy on a serger. Maybe I should seek out some different fabric. Something that lends itself to appliqué, but is also UV insensitive. I want to use red which is the quickest fading color in direct sunlight. I will search on. Maybe ask the ladies at Karstadt. Fall is here and I haven’t a thing to wear. I really must get busy making things.

But right now I think I am going to bed.