Motivation
I'm feeling motivated today. I want to go to Karstadt and buy some new sewing scissors, since I lost the ones I had to security when I flew here. I had put a small sewing kit in my small roll away knapsack, planning on checking it, but inadvertently ending up having to carry it on. Damn lateness. In my panic to catch my flight I had forgotten that I had the sharps in there, whereas I could have taken the little sewing kit out and put it in one of the other checked bags. Anyway, that is ancient history now and I need to get some new scissors so I can start sewing again.
I also want to go to Bauhaus or Praktiker today to look at paint chips, anchoring screws, and check on a carpet cleaner. I am getting sick of looking at empty, dirty walls. I have definitely noticed just how bad the air is here in DA since I got back from Samos. I hope that I can find some paint that will cover up all the exhaust soot on the walls. Here it is customary to paint all walls and ceilings will water color rather than latex paint. It is virtually impossible to wash the walls because the water color will wash off. Doesn't make much sense to me. The only rooms that get latex paint are the kitchen and bath. I have some serious work to do in the bath, paticularly in the shower. I also want to get a new low consumtion shower head. I like long hot showers, but the water costs here are extremely high. I am in need of some strong anchors so that I can install the lighting that I have bought recently. It's time to get this place in shape before the weather turns, although the weather here this summer has been a bit shit.
I had a meeting yesterday that lasted all day. It was going fine until DW came in. He's the department manager and usually just comes around when its convenient for him, with his own agenda regardless of what the actual agenda is. TB, our purchasing dept manager complemented me on my German language skills after the meeting broke up. He gave me sort of a strange look after I snapped back at DW for a cheap shot he delivered. TB thought that I had only been here since the end of May, and was very surprised that I had already lived here for two years. DW is always criticizing my designs, which would normally be ok if it was constructive. He seems to like to make me feel that americans don't know how to properly design a machine. Funny that all the machines that I have designed here and in the states have worked just fine and still are, but nevertheless he still gets under my skin. I want to confront him someday about it but I'm not sure if it will really be of mush use. Maybe when I come out to him I will ask him why, or at least let him know that I don't like his negative criticisms. They usually come out when we are sitting in a room full of people. I have known him since 97, when he totally embarassed our project team in front of an american customer. My first experience working with him was a disaster. He's a snake, or rather a salesman, but he does have a compassionate side to him. I've only seen this side of him a couple of times, whereas normally he's an asshole and just can't help it. He makes me feel as though nothing is ever good enough for him.
Heike and I were in our office two weeks ago when she got the news about her son, and was weeping. I was also teary as well. DW began rubbing her shoulders and was trying to console her. I didn't know he had the capacity to do such a thing. I like such surprises. Heike told me yesterday that her son was to undergo another round of chemo starting next week and that she wouldn't be in the office for a couple of weeks, or indefinitely. That made me sad. I told her that I looked forward to the days when she was there, and that I would miss her. I offered her to call me if I could do anything for her and her family during this trying time. She again reinforced how important she felt it to be that I tell my supervisor Jens about myself. Mari and I gave her a hug as she was leaving. I hope everything turns out ok with Clemens.
At the end of the day I asked Jens to visit me in my office before he went home. He came and I told him that I wanted to discuss a personal issue outside of work with him and Beate, his wife. I also told him that the subject matter may not be appropriate for their teenage son. He said that maybe next week after work some night he would bring me home with him and we would have a little barbecue and we could talk afterwards. They are both doctors, she is an MD and he has a technical PhD. I am hoping it will go well, but I am not sure exactly what to expect. I haven't felt really as close of friends as we once were when I lived here before. Something happenned in the last year while I was back in the states.
That out of the way, I went home and wrote an email to Jen asking for her to send me some H&B aids that I can't buy here. Sometimes I feel cursed because my skin is so sensitive. I was invited to go to Christi and Mari's apartment for a Greek evening. She had planned to cook some of the saganaki they bought in Greece and also make some musaka. I decided to dress a little feminine since I assumed it was only to be them and Helmut. When I got there I felt a little embarrassed because they had invited another couple over as well. I called Marion aside before I took off my jacket and told her that I was sorry and that I didn't know any other people would be there. She reassured me that I didn't have to worry and to take my jacket off and stay. I was more worried about embarrassing them and making the others feel uncomfortable. I feel quite confident with myself and how I look and tend to worry more about how it affects the people around me. This was the first time I had dressed more feminine around Mari, Christi, and Helmut. Everything went well, but I did notice that Stephan was looking at my chest a couple of times. I was wearing my Patriots T-shirt which fits sort of snug, and my breasts, however small, were easily noticeable. It didn't really bother me, but I am sure that they were wondering what my deal was. They probably asked about me after I left. Mari was very supportive and complemented me on how feminine and thin I looked. Agian she hasn't seen me dressed like that before. She did see me on the beach of course in Greece, once totally naked as I was taking off my swim trunks to put on some dry shorts. She made a comment about a full moon. My ass is so white it shines.
I am noticing more and more that I am feeling so much more comfortable with myself and my appearance. I spoke with Jane from Heidelberg the other night about being out in public and appearance and such. She said that she couldn't go out without wearing a wig, and that she wouldn't feel comfortable wearing her hair naturally since it was so thin. My hair is thin on the top, but I try to style it so that it doesn't seem so severe. I have given up on wigs, as I never felt that it looked real enough, it always looked like a wig. My hair is starting to get thicker on top, and will probably take a year or so for all that will come back to come back. I realize I don't look totally female, but I like to present myself the way I feel comfortable regardless of what other people may think of me. To each her own. That old phrase about personal confidence and it's influence on others perception of you so far seems to be true. I have been fortunate enough so far to not have any prticularly negative experiences.
I remember a night last winter when I was invited by Jan to go to see a couple of electronic music artists down in Detroit. The evening was to start with a potluck dinner at one of his friend's house. The evening went well, but afterwards I became sad because I somehow had the feeling that "normal" evenings like that would somehow not be possible during and after transition. Last night has made me realize that it is possible to have a "normal" evneing with friends, even with people that I barely know. I was being self-defeatist by thinking and feeling that way. And also speaking with the therapist in Ffm this week I realized how well things are coming together in my head. He had also reinforced that feeling. Things are going to be ok.
I am thinking ever more about when I will begin living full time as Christine. I need to contact the US embassy in Ffm to register and also ask about how an expat can go about changing their name and documentation. I can change my name relatively easily in Massachusetts, but the passport part may or may not be difficult. I was thinking of chaging my name when I go home to visit for the holidays. But that would mean that I would have to come out at work also because I would have to change all my visa, work permit, and tax documentation here. That may be a little too soon. Perhaps next spring. I think it prudent that I wait to see what is going to happen with the new ownership of my company before I do anything. I will use my supervisor's reaction and attitude toward my transition on-the-job as a gauge of how to proceed. According to my rough plan, I was hoping to have my voice training, hair removal, and adam's apple taken care of before I go full-time. I need to get off my ass and work on these things. I went to a hair removal consultation on tuesday of this past week which turned out to be a waste of time. Their website boasted that their treatment would get rid of any color hair, even blonde. This turned out to not be the case. If I end up having to do electrolosys, I would rather do it with Ellen in Heubach, but it would be logistically difficult to get there. I could always rent a car from the DB car sharing, but that could get pretty expensive. I still have one more option to explore before going back to the torture of electrolosys.
I should probably get to showering and complete my shopping list.
I also want to go to Bauhaus or Praktiker today to look at paint chips, anchoring screws, and check on a carpet cleaner. I am getting sick of looking at empty, dirty walls. I have definitely noticed just how bad the air is here in DA since I got back from Samos. I hope that I can find some paint that will cover up all the exhaust soot on the walls. Here it is customary to paint all walls and ceilings will water color rather than latex paint. It is virtually impossible to wash the walls because the water color will wash off. Doesn't make much sense to me. The only rooms that get latex paint are the kitchen and bath. I have some serious work to do in the bath, paticularly in the shower. I also want to get a new low consumtion shower head. I like long hot showers, but the water costs here are extremely high. I am in need of some strong anchors so that I can install the lighting that I have bought recently. It's time to get this place in shape before the weather turns, although the weather here this summer has been a bit shit.
I had a meeting yesterday that lasted all day. It was going fine until DW came in. He's the department manager and usually just comes around when its convenient for him, with his own agenda regardless of what the actual agenda is. TB, our purchasing dept manager complemented me on my German language skills after the meeting broke up. He gave me sort of a strange look after I snapped back at DW for a cheap shot he delivered. TB thought that I had only been here since the end of May, and was very surprised that I had already lived here for two years. DW is always criticizing my designs, which would normally be ok if it was constructive. He seems to like to make me feel that americans don't know how to properly design a machine. Funny that all the machines that I have designed here and in the states have worked just fine and still are, but nevertheless he still gets under my skin. I want to confront him someday about it but I'm not sure if it will really be of mush use. Maybe when I come out to him I will ask him why, or at least let him know that I don't like his negative criticisms. They usually come out when we are sitting in a room full of people. I have known him since 97, when he totally embarassed our project team in front of an american customer. My first experience working with him was a disaster. He's a snake, or rather a salesman, but he does have a compassionate side to him. I've only seen this side of him a couple of times, whereas normally he's an asshole and just can't help it. He makes me feel as though nothing is ever good enough for him.
Heike and I were in our office two weeks ago when she got the news about her son, and was weeping. I was also teary as well. DW began rubbing her shoulders and was trying to console her. I didn't know he had the capacity to do such a thing. I like such surprises. Heike told me yesterday that her son was to undergo another round of chemo starting next week and that she wouldn't be in the office for a couple of weeks, or indefinitely. That made me sad. I told her that I looked forward to the days when she was there, and that I would miss her. I offered her to call me if I could do anything for her and her family during this trying time. She again reinforced how important she felt it to be that I tell my supervisor Jens about myself. Mari and I gave her a hug as she was leaving. I hope everything turns out ok with Clemens.
At the end of the day I asked Jens to visit me in my office before he went home. He came and I told him that I wanted to discuss a personal issue outside of work with him and Beate, his wife. I also told him that the subject matter may not be appropriate for their teenage son. He said that maybe next week after work some night he would bring me home with him and we would have a little barbecue and we could talk afterwards. They are both doctors, she is an MD and he has a technical PhD. I am hoping it will go well, but I am not sure exactly what to expect. I haven't felt really as close of friends as we once were when I lived here before. Something happenned in the last year while I was back in the states.
That out of the way, I went home and wrote an email to Jen asking for her to send me some H&B aids that I can't buy here. Sometimes I feel cursed because my skin is so sensitive. I was invited to go to Christi and Mari's apartment for a Greek evening. She had planned to cook some of the saganaki they bought in Greece and also make some musaka. I decided to dress a little feminine since I assumed it was only to be them and Helmut. When I got there I felt a little embarrassed because they had invited another couple over as well. I called Marion aside before I took off my jacket and told her that I was sorry and that I didn't know any other people would be there. She reassured me that I didn't have to worry and to take my jacket off and stay. I was more worried about embarrassing them and making the others feel uncomfortable. I feel quite confident with myself and how I look and tend to worry more about how it affects the people around me. This was the first time I had dressed more feminine around Mari, Christi, and Helmut. Everything went well, but I did notice that Stephan was looking at my chest a couple of times. I was wearing my Patriots T-shirt which fits sort of snug, and my breasts, however small, were easily noticeable. It didn't really bother me, but I am sure that they were wondering what my deal was. They probably asked about me after I left. Mari was very supportive and complemented me on how feminine and thin I looked. Agian she hasn't seen me dressed like that before. She did see me on the beach of course in Greece, once totally naked as I was taking off my swim trunks to put on some dry shorts. She made a comment about a full moon. My ass is so white it shines.
I am noticing more and more that I am feeling so much more comfortable with myself and my appearance. I spoke with Jane from Heidelberg the other night about being out in public and appearance and such. She said that she couldn't go out without wearing a wig, and that she wouldn't feel comfortable wearing her hair naturally since it was so thin. My hair is thin on the top, but I try to style it so that it doesn't seem so severe. I have given up on wigs, as I never felt that it looked real enough, it always looked like a wig. My hair is starting to get thicker on top, and will probably take a year or so for all that will come back to come back. I realize I don't look totally female, but I like to present myself the way I feel comfortable regardless of what other people may think of me. To each her own. That old phrase about personal confidence and it's influence on others perception of you so far seems to be true. I have been fortunate enough so far to not have any prticularly negative experiences.
I remember a night last winter when I was invited by Jan to go to see a couple of electronic music artists down in Detroit. The evening was to start with a potluck dinner at one of his friend's house. The evening went well, but afterwards I became sad because I somehow had the feeling that "normal" evenings like that would somehow not be possible during and after transition. Last night has made me realize that it is possible to have a "normal" evneing with friends, even with people that I barely know. I was being self-defeatist by thinking and feeling that way. And also speaking with the therapist in Ffm this week I realized how well things are coming together in my head. He had also reinforced that feeling. Things are going to be ok.
I am thinking ever more about when I will begin living full time as Christine. I need to contact the US embassy in Ffm to register and also ask about how an expat can go about changing their name and documentation. I can change my name relatively easily in Massachusetts, but the passport part may or may not be difficult. I was thinking of chaging my name when I go home to visit for the holidays. But that would mean that I would have to come out at work also because I would have to change all my visa, work permit, and tax documentation here. That may be a little too soon. Perhaps next spring. I think it prudent that I wait to see what is going to happen with the new ownership of my company before I do anything. I will use my supervisor's reaction and attitude toward my transition on-the-job as a gauge of how to proceed. According to my rough plan, I was hoping to have my voice training, hair removal, and adam's apple taken care of before I go full-time. I need to get off my ass and work on these things. I went to a hair removal consultation on tuesday of this past week which turned out to be a waste of time. Their website boasted that their treatment would get rid of any color hair, even blonde. This turned out to not be the case. If I end up having to do electrolosys, I would rather do it with Ellen in Heubach, but it would be logistically difficult to get there. I could always rent a car from the DB car sharing, but that could get pretty expensive. I still have one more option to explore before going back to the torture of electrolosys.
I should probably get to showering and complete my shopping list.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 11:16 AM
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