Clemens

I share my office with my project manager, Heike. She's real nice and likes to laugh, but also very firm when it comes to her project managing. She left the company a year and a half ago to have her son Clemens. I heard several months later that her son had a cancerous tumor in one of his eyes. This news made me sad. I hadn't really heard anything more after that until I came back here to work. A few weeks ago I came to work and she looked like she had been crying. She later told me that Clemens was mostly blind in that eye after chemo, and that it may have to be removed. A week later she seemed to be put together and ok with the fact that his eye was to be removed. The biopsy results came back today of the remaining eyesocket tissue, apparently not good. I felt kinda uncomfortable because I didn't know how to console her. I became really sad and was on the verge of tears, as she was already crying. I'm fighting back tears writing this. I can imagine how helpless she must feel. The son she bore in the grip of a killer. So much sadness lately. I hope he will be alright.

Life here has been anything but boring. It's almost too much. Not too long ago there were things that I felt should bring me to tears, but somehow I couldn't. My current heightened emotional level enables me to cry and achieve a release of sorts. This was something I had been missing somehow. I feel closer to people around me at work through the events of the last couple of months. I like being able to feel more. The hardest feelings are the feelings of loss. I feel somehow more whole, or more fulfilled that I am able to externalize the feelings I have. Writing this blog also helps me release instead of internalizing everything. Even though it feels like the floodgates have been opened, I am learning to manage better. I like how things are developing...