Selfish

I would like to explore the concept of selfishness in context of my life and decision to transition.  I have been accused of being selfish, and in the context of my path to self fulfillment, I am indeed.  When someone is described as being selfish it usually has a negative connotation.  I feel however that this behavioral label is highly subjective in its common usage.  It doesn’t always have a negative connotation to the person it is applied to.  Oversimplified, the negative, taking the last piece of pie without first asking politely if anyone else wants it is perceived as selfishness, for example.

In the last couple of weeks I have been focused on how I feel about being labeled selfish.  I have been selfish all my life by keeping my thoughts and feelings of being the wrong gender to myself.  It would have been unselfish to express these feelings in some way sooner.  I always kept them for myself, rarely sharing them with another soul.  For me to be unselfish in that context would have been to share all these feelings with love interests to allow them to decide for themselves, after knowing all the facts, whether or not to further pursue the relationship.  In the early years of my development, I realized that my personal identity was different from most other people, in that I didn’t have a completely definitive identity of being a male as I was born physically.  I felt mostly that the feeling that I should have been born female was unacceptable and should not be considered seriously in conscious thought.  Therefore this concept was better left unexplored, left to rot away in some deep dark cavern of my mind.

But the small shred of belief that this concept of gender was true and somehow attainable, kept it barely alive all those years.  The suppression of this belief had its consequences.  Throughout my teen years I experienced episodes of frustration centered on a deep seated low self esteem, which led to depressive breakdowns.  Those defining years were a turbulent time for me, trying to measure my masculinity in comparison to my peers.  In retrospect, I understand why I didn’t feel that I measured up.  It all seems now a hopeless effort, time wasted.  I was trying to become what I perceived as being expected of me as being born a male.  But the fact is, I never really had that innate sense of maleness and had to use the gender cues of those around me and society in general to define my maleness.  It is confusing to me to define myself completely as one or the other, but since there are only two defined genders, if I don’t feel innately masculine, then it must mean that I define myself as feminine.  Societal gender constructs unfortunately do play a major role in my self definition.

My inner conflict with my gender made me keenly aware of the dividing line between male and female.  Rational thinking led me to denounce these incongruent feelings, because I was born with a penis and it was and is real.  I have struggled and still do, with the rationality of being born with a penis and not feeling that it fit with my self identity.  I think now, after much self exploration, that my tendency toward rational thought as opposed to creative, emotional, or intuitive thought is a direct result of the incongruent gender feelings.  To view these feelings on a rational level was to reject them, because how could someone born clearly male or female physically not feel instinctively that they are as such? I assume that allowing me to believe my intuition led to confusion, and rational thought clarity, that I sided with rational thought as a means of escape and false security.  This rejection of my intuition as faulty and confusing has caused a deficit in my personality in the way I interact with others.  I tended toward believing and trusting without much thought, viewing words and actions as absolute and true.  Living in such a way has led to much hurt and disappointment as one can imagine.

I do not fully understand everything yet, and probably never will, but I have clarified some things through self analysis.  I have tried for the past couple of years to develop my intuition further, to allow myself to use it as a guide in concert with rational thought to navigate my existence.  Although my intuition was always present, I chose not to listen to it.  In opening up the feeling side of my selfhood, and listening to it, I am better able to see and evaluate how my thoughts and actions have, and do, affect others and especially me.  This is of course difficult in that all the pain I have felt and the pain I have caused others around me is now better acknowledged and partially being revisited, in effort to achieve some level of inner peace and security with my identity.  Thirty some-odd years of suppressed emotions seemed insurmountable, but in small steps it now seems possible and more importantly, worthwhile.

Even though I have always tried to be a good person, I carry a strong sense of guilt for not allowing me to be honest with myself and in turn, with others.  It seems that it would have been easier on everyone including myself, to have accepted the way I felt as valid and to deal with it in a constructive rather than repressive manner.  I don’t think that life would have been any easier for me, but perhaps easier for others around me.  My family could have known me better and the hurt caused by my disclosure at 34 could have been avoided.  Ruined relationships and hurt lovers could have been avoided.  The acknowledgement I have hurt others is not erased or minimized by understanding why and how I hurt them.  The weight of all of it is ever omnipresent.  I know that I can’t change the past, but only try to use the negative and positive as a guide for the future.

I had started on this path back when I met K-Po.  I didn’t want to repeat the catastrophic end to my relationship with Yolanda, and therefore was honest with her only to the extent that I was being honest with myself.  I was only willing to accept at that point that I was a cross-dresser and that was it.  But the fact remains, I knew it but somehow couldn’t accept it, that I wanted to transition since having met Rita and realized that it was possible to change one’s gender.  It wasn’t a question of whether I would do it, but rather when I would do it.  This admission will no doubt deepen the rift between us, rightly so, and I deeply regret having put her through this.  I’m not sure if she will ever forgive me and I understand that and accept the reasons.  I wish there was something I could do to repair the damage, but I am not sure there is anything I can do.  One thing that crosses my mind is to become the best woman I can be, to at least let this all have had a meaningful purpose.  I know this is no consolation for her, and anyone else for that matter, but I remain open to suggestions of ways to ease the pain and improve things in the future.

In reflecting on my own life around the time of my father’s death, I was confronted with three possibilities; the first was the minimally selfish solution to remain as I had lived up till then, to be miserable and continue lying to myself and those around me.  The second was the ultimate in selfishness, suicide, to take all of me to the grave.  The third was a compromise between the somewhat selfish and the ultimate in selfishness, to pursue transition.  I believe the first possibility would have eventually led to the second possibility; therefore the third seemed like the appropriate solution.  So yes I am being selfish and I fully acknowledge it.  The hard fact remains, and I hate to be so consequent about it, but I like think everyone would rather have me alive and transitioning however difficult it may be, rather than dead.  This is how I feel and like to believe it is true, and I take comfort in it.

This thought is still relatively raw, and therefore needs to be further pondered.  I feel good that I am able to confront things that are uncomfortable to consider, and begin to try to understand what they mean to me personally and how it affects others.