back stabber
I am totally depressed. My job is killing me. The cost analyst is up to his same old tricks, and everyone else is trivializing the way I feel about it. I don’t know what to do. Am I nuts? Am I the only one who sees what is happening? I am reminded daily that the success of the project depends on me. If I leave the project will fail and lots of my friends and colleagues will be let go and it will be all my fault. I’m wondering if they are trying so hard to keep me around so that when it does fail (it looks now as if it will), I will be to blame anyway. He is overt in his volleys at me. My super even caught him cold, the evidence I have started saving in a folder. I am so sad. I am contemplating staying home tomorrow. I don’t want to be depressed. Its summer and I should be out enjoying it, but I am instead sitting here crying once again.
Things are finished between me and Heike after today. I spoke with her last week on the phone, the whole time was her trying to convince me that I have changed lately and it’s because I can’t handle my hormones. Naturally that pissed me off because my hormones are none of anyone’s business. Blaming my hormones for my behavior at work is such an easy cop out. For example today, in a team discussion it became known that an important piece of info was distributed to the temp that works with me from the CA. I wasn’t included and therefore didn’t know about it for four days. I called him on it and it was turned around on me. I was blamed for not including him on distribution on an email I answered from the Japanese. The paper was presented last Thursday in a meeting that everyone attended. He could have asked for a copy then, but some how he turned it on me. Then Heike tried to make me feel as if I was just as underhanded as him. He is out to get me fired, and the way things are going now, I think he may just succeed. He knows my buttons and he plays them well. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped. I used to like my work but now I hate it.
I am no longer worried that I have made the right decision to transition. That is clear. I used to cry because I was depressed about changing and all that goes along with it. I don’t cry about that anymore. The only thing I cry about now is my job. I feel totally good about myself when I can get my job out of my head. I guess I made a bad decision on where to transition. I never could have imagined such a nightmare. It figures, I get myself to the point where I feel comfortable in my own skin, and then the rest of my life goes to shit and I am unable to enjoy it. I have to come up with a contingency plan.
Things are finished between me and Heike after today. I spoke with her last week on the phone, the whole time was her trying to convince me that I have changed lately and it’s because I can’t handle my hormones. Naturally that pissed me off because my hormones are none of anyone’s business. Blaming my hormones for my behavior at work is such an easy cop out. For example today, in a team discussion it became known that an important piece of info was distributed to the temp that works with me from the CA. I wasn’t included and therefore didn’t know about it for four days. I called him on it and it was turned around on me. I was blamed for not including him on distribution on an email I answered from the Japanese. The paper was presented last Thursday in a meeting that everyone attended. He could have asked for a copy then, but some how he turned it on me. Then Heike tried to make me feel as if I was just as underhanded as him. He is out to get me fired, and the way things are going now, I think he may just succeed. He knows my buttons and he plays them well. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped. I used to like my work but now I hate it.
I am no longer worried that I have made the right decision to transition. That is clear. I used to cry because I was depressed about changing and all that goes along with it. I don’t cry about that anymore. The only thing I cry about now is my job. I feel totally good about myself when I can get my job out of my head. I guess I made a bad decision on where to transition. I never could have imagined such a nightmare. It figures, I get myself to the point where I feel comfortable in my own skin, and then the rest of my life goes to shit and I am unable to enjoy it. I have to come up with a contingency plan.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 7:23 PM
1 Comments:
At 10:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hello from out of the blue. I'm back in Germany, too. (Only for a month, this time.) I am right with you. I completely understand how a job can make you feel. People who say, "it's just a job" have never experienced thhe horrors that are possible in the workplace, as you have.
As the only woman with hormones (younger then menopause) in my last German job, I was also the target of a lot of shit, and often ended up crying. My boss wanted to ruin not just my career, but ME.
And he almost succeeded. So many times I felt suicidal, not just because of the *work*...but because of how I was reacting to it, how insignificant and awful it made me feel. How I felt like there was no escape, my career, the focus of my LIFE for the last what, 15 YEARS, was worthless. Screaming matches in the office, spending nights just imagining death. Awful.
I'm so so sorry to hear that you're goiing through that at your workplace. it seemed like such a positive place for you in times past.
Just know that there are people out here thinkingn good things about you, and wishing for nothing but happiness in your life!
I know this sounds trite, but it CAN turn around. This year or two or three is only a blip in time on the grand scheme of things, and you're too strong to let it destroy you.
BIG HUGS!!!!
-Stef.
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