insomnia

I am an insomniac. I have slept for about an hour and can’t quite get back to it. I think I will write a bit to try to empty my head.

I have planned and booked a trip to Amsterdam for this coming weekend, from Thursday until Monday. I will be traveling there by the high speed ICE train. I booked a hotel on Kerkstraat, called the Golden Bear. You might guess that it is a gay owned hotel, either by the name or the area. Their room rates were super cheap and all the reviews say it is really clean. Hotels in A-dam can be on the dodgy side sometimes. I am happy to be going there again.

I have been scouring the internet to get an idea of the things that I want to do with my time there. I definitely want to check out the Rijksmuseen, as I have been to the Stedelijk and the Van Gogh in the past. I will be there for the start of the Amsterdam Fashion Week. I found a store that will be having a sample sale on designer handbags. There are some larger exhibitions that I am not sure yet whether I will go to them or not.

I have searched out some ethnic restaurants as well, since the Dutch aren’t exactly known for their culinary greatness. I definitely want to eat some Indian food while I am there. I have also found a bunch of Thai restaurants, so I will have to ask a local where they recommend. I will try a Dutch steakhouse, just to see for myself if all the rumors are true. I would also like to have some fish and chips too. I have a feeling that January in Amsterdam will be no great shakes and pretty much dead so I am not worried about dining alone.

I have also done much research on the gay community and the venues there. There is no shortage of men’s bars, but the women’s venues are few in number. The ones I have found are: Custom Café Sugar, Vive La Vie, Saarein II, Sappho, and YouII. Saarein II has a transgender night on Sunday, which I am planning on going to, so I at least know they are open-minded to trans people. The others I will just have to see about.

I am not sure I feel confident enough to go to a specifically “women’s night” yet. Although I am leaving it open. What troubles me is that I am a transwoman and I identify as a gay woman. That mix of labels in certain circumstances could cause some problems for me. Me showing up at a strictly women’s night would remove the ambiguity about my sexuality, quite possibly with negative consequences. Part of me wants to challenge the negative attitudes because after all I would be expressing myself in the way I want. If some women can’t accept it, then that’s their problem not mine. I would rather not feel uncomfortable if at all possible either.

I feel sometimes that the labels I choose to bear that vaguely explain my personal identity, can only be to my social detriment, even within the gay community. Everything would be easier if I were sexually attracted to men, but alas, I am attracted to women. If I were attracted to men I would have more sex than I could handle. Finding another woman that is open-minded enough to be attracted to me is going to take time, and lots of it. I have lived asexually for the past several years, and now that my hormones are back in order, I don’t miss sexual contact at all. I do long for companionship though, sort of?

I am able to envision being asexual for a while longer, possibly for the rest of my life. That doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I feel as though I have slowly become “stone”, similar to the meaning of stone in “stone butch” (wiki it). I don’t fantasize about being touched anymore and frankly I am not sure I really want someone touching me, male or female. I am not so eager to out myself and also to not divulge more information to strangers than necessary as I have in the past. After all, it seems that strangers already have a fairly well formed, however negative picture of me, and who am I to try to change everyone’s mind? I guess I am developing a stronger personal/emotional defense system. It’s about time.

I am still however bent on exploring new places and situations. I am not about to shutter myself into my own little world. Over my trip to the states I decided to not set myself up for failure by expecting to meet a woman. I went out to try to increase my chances of that eventuality, but with the knowledge that I would most likely be going home alone as I was when I arrived. That attitude worked out well as I didn’t become disappointed when I did not meet anyone.

I compare me going to an all women’s night as to when I used to go to the Caribbean Cultural Club in Roxbury. At three C’s I was the only white face to be found. It took a lot of courage for me to go there and come out alive. There existed a real potential of grave danger at three C’s for me, but somehow I had no problems at all. Women tend to be less violent, and I doubt any of them will be packin’ either. I suppose the worst that could happen is that I am denied entry, or be made to feel uncomfortable. I will try to get a feel for the sentiment before going, or skip it all together. That same night there is another gig called “ButtKraaker” which is a cabaret night with several different performers. They advertise it as night of genDerfuCk, tRans, dYke, faG, quEer, quEer-heaRted, Frigid, aSexUal, tRashy, CeLiBate, gaMes, caBaret, diSco, aRT, peRformAnce, iNstallation…+more. Sounds like nothing I have seen before in one place at one time, and I have a feeling it would be more fun.

I think I will try to get some more sleep now.