wishful thinking

I should really be careful of what I wish for. I visited the endo on Tuesday afternoon in ffm and he came to the conclusion that I should double my estrogen dose. I agreed to try it. I got my first shot earlier that same day, and then the next one yesterday morning. Right around lunchtime today the estrogen kicked in. It felt sort of like I had drunk too much coffee, but I without the jitters. Racy I guess I would call it. I was able to go with it not knowing whether I should be scared or not. If I am not able to sleep, then I will start worrying. I had electrolysis tonight in the goatee area and also got all the ones she missed last week on my cheeks and neck. I am wiped out. I don’t know why I am writing this, I should be in bed.

After how I felt earlier today, I am wondering if my estrogen level was so low that the testosterone had taken over. I had more libido than I have had in over a year and I wasn’t liking it. I wish my penis and testes were gone. I am becoming to hate them. I had always been indifferent to having them, but now they get in the way of everything. They are a real pain in the ass when I want to wear a skirt. I have to bind them much in the same way transmen bind their breasts. I hope I am damaging them when I do that. All this may sound a bit disturbing, but the effects of the testosterone were all too familiar and just as resented. I thought I was free from feeling that way and having to deal with again was frustrating. The endo mentioned a drug called Androcor which reduces testosterone production to nil. One of the side effects of zero testosterone is depression. He also mentioned that my dosage has been what a post-op person would be taking for maintenance, far too low. It’s time to kick it up a notch. Anyway, if I can handle the higher estrogen the effects should be quite nice.

I think that is enough nonsense for tonight.