down and out

I have been fighting with a deep depression lately.  I have been generally feeling down for about a couple of months now.  I hop it stops soon.  I am worried that the hormones have stopped working.  I am struggling to keep weight on, my breast growth has stopped, I am totally depressed, I woke up with morning wood, I have had several nights of night sweats, hot flashes, and I have a general feeling of dread.  I should probably make an appointment to speak with my doctor and go see my endo soon.  It doesn’t help anything that my job is in the shitter.  As soon as something bad happens, however small, I start to worry that my little world is going to end.  I am teetering on the edge of oblivion as it is, so close I can feel its cold empty winds.

I became really upset this afternoon at work after speaking with my project manager who is soon to become my group leader.  He tried to convince me to move my vacation starting in CW50.  He basically reiterated to me today that if I want out of this doomed project I would have to quit.  Asshole.  I came away from our discussion feeling oppressed and broken.  I went back to my desk and worked for another hour and a half, sobbing the whole time.  I started to get scared that I am not going to make it.  With this life I mean.  I am not sure I am strong enough to live through this transition.  Ending it all seems sometimes like a suitable solution.  Work is making me feel oppressed and trapped.  I had hoped to keep my job long enough to make it to surgery.  I am not sure I can hold out that long.

I have been watching a DVD of the documentary “Trans Generation” that Chloe burned for me.  It makes me sad to watch it, because the feelings and experiences of the subjects are exactly the same ones I have and they hurt sometimes.  It echoes the doom I feel.  The doomed existence.  I wonder how it makes “normal” people feel when they watch it.

I wonder sometimes if it is better to try to live with the feelings as long as one can without transitioning, and then commit suicide.  The ones who love you have to give you up anyway, why not make it final?  It seems easier to not put yourself and everyone around you through the pain of transition only to kill yourself afterwards.  Just keep it all inside until it breaks you.  I feel like I was born with a defective mind.  Why couldn’t I have been just like everyone else?  I realize true personal happiness is just a fable, but I realistically think that I will never be able to get even close to it.  I personally feel now I was just accepting my fate by deciding to transition.  There really was no other feasible option.  I am just fucked up, a bad egg.  I shouldn’t have lived.  I am an anomaly, a mistake.

When I see people looking at me with that “what a freak” look on their face, I just think to myself, consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to put yourself through all this to attempt to achieve some semblance of inner peace.