of life, love, and feminism...

This always seems to happen on my vacations of the past few years. I become so lazy and sedentary. I do however seem to remember in my last days of work of 2006 that I was looking forward to just doing “nothing”. I have achieved that goal. I had plans to tailor an overcoat and make some more jeans, and possibly paint my putrid apartment. I have done lots of reading though, something that I haven’t had the ambition to do since reading the sagas of the Icelanders a few years ago. From now on I plan to always have a book to read with me when I know I will have some idle time. Either at bedtime or when I am on the train to Ffm for example. There are so many classics that I have always wanted to read, and of course feminism is my current interest.

I am almost through with reading “The Female Eunuch”. I have about forty pages to go which I will probably read on the train to Amsterdam tomorrow. Many of the ideas that Greer presented in the book I agree with, and agree need to change if man-and-womankind is to veer off the path to self destruction. Her book is not so much an indictment of men only, but rather an indictment of the societal norms that were constructed by patriarchy. She skillfully unravels the tightly wound paradigms of contemporary society. Most of the paradigms and their detriment are known, but she also lends a historical account of how many neutral paradigms were twisted by patriarchy to serve its purpose. What I take away from her commentary is that patriarchy has defeated itself by creating an absurd set of norms that in the end are not only of detriment to women, children, and society as a whole, but especially to men as well.

I agree with the women’s liberation movement and feminism because they sought to bring about necessary changes to societies that are doomed to self destruction without change. I have merely scratched the surface at this point in time, but I can definitely see how the different degrees of feminist ideology came to exist. I would characterize myself as feeling the radical side of moderate, sort of medium-well if you will. I choose this position because the radical element is an indication of mobility, or to actively pursue and foster change. The immobile extreme is to have no knowledge or at the very least awareness, but to do nothing with it. One flavor of the radical extreme is the separation of men and women, which in itself is also a means to self destruction. In my opinion, separatism is thinly veiled hate, and hate is never a good thing obviously.

Although I agree and identify with many of the thoughts presented as feminism, I hesitate to drape another label around my neck, as there are already too many of them there already. I would rather characterize my feelings as more humanistic in nature. This is an effort to bring everyone to the table, rather than further reinforce the absurdity of black and white gender norms of female and male. My transition from one to the other in and of itself from an outside perspective accomplishes just that. But to me personally having lived through part of it, I feel more and more that I will end up being neither. I have accepted the fact that I will become perhaps more female than male, but never fully achieving either. The best characterization would be a female flavored eunuch. I am becoming more comfortable with that reality every day of my life.

Parallel to my research in feminism, I have also been reading lots about transgenderism. Transgenderism transcends mere male and female norms and challenges what it means to be human by exposing and stripping away the absurdity of the dichotomy of the two gender system. When I contemplate the historical accounts of feminist literature, it would seem that it all started to go wrong somewhere just before the renaissance. Organized religion, Catholicism in particular, helped shape the evolution of gender and gender roles in society as we know them today. Transgenderism is slowly succeeding to erode that warped evolution and bring about change through fostering awareness that there are humans that exist between the two polarized identities. I am excited to be living in such a time where I am an active participant in helping to change society for the better. By simply functioning in society as a transgender person, I am challenging those who meet my acquaintance to consider their own feelings about gender, sex, and sexuality. I think that I would like to become involved with activism, or at the very least participate in discussions with others with similar and differing opinions.

I have done some research to try to find any discussion groups in my immediate area. I haven’t found any yet, but I will keep looking. Or, perhaps start one somewhere, somehow. Occasionally I have gone to a local women’s center with some friends. If I am to be honest, it would be more accurate to call it a Lesbian center. I had apprehensions about going to such a place because I was afraid I would be met with some sort of feministic confrontation. I was met with no confrontation, but I get a strong feeling of contempt from some of the women there. As I delve deeper into the texts, I often wonder just how many women have actually read what I am reading. Feminism and the women’s liberation movement have gained a bad reputation over the past thirty years, as far as I can tell due to ignorance and extremism backlash.

The contempt that I can feel coming from the looks on people’s faces is discouraging. As I enrich myself and become better versed in feminism, I wish somehow that I could turn the immobilizing contempt into a lively discussion. I don’t expect to convert everyone that I meet to buy into my transgenderist or my feministic interpretations, but to at least lend my perspective and also listen and try to understand their perspective. I guess my underlying motive is to legitimize myself in the eyes of others. I can only hope to accomplish this once I have done it for myself, and I am working on it. I also realize that a bar isn’t exactly the best place to have such discussions, but throughout history/herstory that is exactly where some important discussions took place. One example could be the discussions that took place in colonial Boston leading up to the revolutionary war in America.

I won’t try to deny that my reasons for research into feminism are for purely personal enrichment. Although I feel this research is beneficial to me as I become more woman-like, I also see it as my acceptance of my own sexual identity and sexuality. I realize that I need not lend credibility to my sexuality to anyone other than myself, but considering that I label my sexuality as Lesbian or gay woman, it seems of utmost importance. While I haven’t fooled myself into thinking that being a card carrying feminist will get me dates, I will able to at least hold my own when questions about my motives do come. I will have at least formed my own opinions and be able to lend credibility to the shell with certain obvious labels pasted on it that I call my outward appearance. I wish that my presence invoked inquisitiveness and not the unfortunate contemptuous and resentful stares. I do not want to be the center of attention, I am much too shy in nature for that, but rather to be accepted and perhaps not even noticed for being trans but for being a person, a fellow human. That would be nice for a change.

All of this philosophy is helping me to make more informed choices for my future. It is causing me to think more about things I take for granted. Most importantly it is stimulating me to think. I think more about the changes that I am imposing on my body. I think more about my mannerisms and dress. I’m not sure it will change much about me, but it will at least help me better understand why I am the way I am.

In contemplating my perhaps eventual sexual reassignment surgery, I have started thinking about the concept of being “complete” that so many of my comrades mention. I am realizing more and more that being complete in my context is an ideal that cannot be reached. In terms of the physical perhaps attainable with slight psychological implications, but complete by whom’s definition? I think most operative transsexuals are lured into believing that surgery will complete them, and many are disappointed to find that after surgery not much has changed other than their physical self. Complete-ness to me implies a static state, immobility. As long as one is still breathing, one can never be complete.

It is through these revelations that I have decided to begin to actively pursue and explore my sexuality as a transwoman. I have realized that my current state of having as penis, and perhaps later a neo-vagina, realistically will only affect sexual intercourse. What is between my legs is as ambiguous now to people who see me clothed as it will be after surgery. What I am getting at is I am learning to place less and less importance on my genitalia, and more and more on who I am as a person. In realizing there is much more to life than mere sex, as the hormones have taught me, I have been able to remove the restrictions I had consciously imposed on myself relative to dating and such. I do also realize that saying or writing this is much easier than the actual practice of it will be. I will need courage to walk into an exclusively women’s night for example. It all comes down to self confidence which without testing it, I will never know if I have enough.

Another point that I wanted to note is that I have been getting better at letting go of the things or situations that I cannot change. Throughout my life I have put forth much too much effort in maintaining relationships that were clearly one-sided. I would often try too hard to make something out of nothing, and in the end being disappointed at the outcome or lack thereof. I know this is very vague, so I will try to lend some substance to it. Before my vacation began I tried to contact a friend and their family. It didn’t really work out the way I had hoped for, and in reflection realized I was trying too hard to make something happen borne of purely nostalgic feelings. I guess it doesn’t hurt to try to maintain contact with people I consider dear to me, but at some point the interest must be also there from the other side. Life can be as complicated or as simple as one makes it.

In reading The Female Eunuch I was presented with Altruism, and realized that word gave language to a strong facet of my personality. As much as I doubt I could totally change my altruistic nature, I have been at least trying to subvert it by being a bit more discerning with how I direct my efforts to save the world at my own expense. My therapist exposed me to a mechanism of my altruism, my tendency to make decisions for others. It was a situation where I had decided to “lend” someone some financial support before they even asked me. I had already decided for myself that this person would not survive without my help, instead of leaving the difficult decision to the actual person in need to make for themself. In a way my behavior is selfish when I really look at it in that context. It all gets rather confusing, because at face value it would seem that I was being un-selfish by helping the other person. This isn’t making much sense to me at least, but I have a feeling I am on my way to sorting it out.

I am thankful to have this free time to read, write and contemplate things that serve to further my intellectual development as a person. In proofreading this post, I have noticed there are many incomplete ideas, so I will probably either edit for clarity or expound on the ideas in future posts. Whoever reads this should feel free to comment also. I would welcome discussion and suggestions for further reading.