xxx files

edited 29.01.2007

I went back to work yesterday feeling like an idiot for doing so. I should have stuck to my principles and not answered the phone last Friday. I really need to keep my mouth shut and not talk about how their guilt trips make me feel. The project managers immediately got on my case and tried to suppress my ill feelings toward them and the company. It didn’t work. I need a new job, and that fact was never more so blatantly obvious to me as it became today. After spending almost six weeks away from the depressing chaos and constant stress I feel I can look at it objectively and it all seems so pointless. My heart isn’t in it anymore. It’s time to move on, but right now is not the best time to make a break. Or, maybe it is…

I had a great time in A’dam. I originally planned on staying for four nights, but I extended my stay by two nights. It proved worth it. Here’s the story: (it’s a long one)

I boarded the ICE train in Ffm bound for A’dam at 1:30 in the afternoon. There was a storm coming in from the North Sea coast that threatened to disrupt rail service. The train went as far as Arnheim and then dumped everyone out with no info on what comes next. It was blowin’ a gale with rain mixed in just for fun. I met another trans person from Berlin and we kept each other company. Her name was quite unique, she’s French, but I’ll call her S. She is a punk psychobilly rocker lady boy. The lady boy I got from her knuckle tats. She is totally fucking hardcore, so we had a good time chatting and drinking.

We eventually boarded a train that was going as far as Utrecht, which we arrived at by 8pm. The station was full with stranded people and a very annoying announcement both in Dutch and English was repeated every five minutes. The thing that really got me was that in the Dutch message they mentioned there was free coffee at the kiosks, but I guess not for the English speakers. We found a place to sit and just sat there bullshitting and drinking Heinekens. She would step into the ladies room every once in while to do a line of speed. She had lots of old school tats all over her body. Eventually her friend from A’dam came to pick us up and she dropped me at my hotel at 1am. It was so nice to be liberated from that awful train station.

Friday morning I rented a shitty bike at Mike’s Bike Tours which was conveniently located on the same street as my hotel. The bike was really awkward to ride and the wind from the storm made walking seem like a better idea. I went to Xantippe bookstore to look for feminist lit. They had a very small selection of uninteresting books. I spoke with the woman working and she told me that they don’t have a very good selection of feminist lit “because nobody buys it”. She was nice enough and somehow must have sensed that I am a lez because she pitched me the L word second season dvd set. If you buy the set they have a promotional L bag as a free gift. I went for it because I had heard so much about the show whilst in the states, and I had forgotten to bring my city bag. I also bought books on Joan of Arc and feminism and geography. She mentioned that I could get some of the first and second wave titles I was looking for at a women’s second hand bookstore, but they had just moved to Utrecht. I asked for the name anyway, vrouwenindruk was it.

I went to de dampkring for a smoke and a latte. I asked one of the servers about something I had there before, and before I knew it she was speaking to me in Dutch. She remembered I spoke to her in English eventually and then apologized saying she thought I was Dutch because I looked Dutch. How’s that for blending? I think I look European, by the way. Then I was in the bathroom and one of the bartenders was in there. I said hello and then she said she hadn’t seen me for a year and asked where I’ve been. I told here that I hadn’t been there for over a year and maybe she was thinking of someone else. (the last time I was still in male mode) After I left I couldn’t help but wonder if that was a subtle come on or her just being friendly? Maybe it was just the coffee.

As I was walking away from de dampkring I noticed the book sale was going on in the Spui. I perused the different vendors and saw a book on Freud, a couple of feminist books I wanted but in Dutch, an art nouveau graphics book, and one on Gustav Klimt. I wanted to buy the Klimt book because it had a lot of his pencil doodling and sketches. I didn’t buy anything as I was worried about my luggage. I thought the klimt sketches would be good inspiration for a jugendstil tattoo. Somehow I have a feeling I will be going back there sooner than I know it.

I ate dinner later in the evening at Rakang Thai. I had a roast duck dish that was just rightly sweet-hot curried, but some of the meat was rather tough. The bamboo chairs had interesting cotton strips with elastic banding to hold it all together as seat and back. They were really comfortable for a bamboo chair and creative as well. After dinner I went to get some money at the dam and then to find where a squat called chequepoint was. That was where the Buttkraaker cabaret was supposed to be. I knew it was the building by the symbols on the windows.

I went to Saarein II later for a couple of wit beers and ended up staying there all evening. I met an interesting woman from Dutch Guyana with nice braids, we’ll call her T. After a while of talking I asked her if she could write her name out for me in my journal to help me to remember it. Many of the Dutch given names of the people that I met on this trip were totally foreign to me. She ended up giving me her number too, for the next time I am in town I should call her to go for a drink. She introduced me to many different people as they came and went. The bartender was really cool, chit chatting with me when she had a second to spare. The place was jam packed at about midnight. I left at about 1am and T said she would be at YouII on Saturday if I wanted to go dancing. I had a really good time at Saarein II. I do have this nagging feeling that I should have gone to the Buttkraaker just to see what it was like. Which door was that g?

Saturday I got up fairly late and missed breakfast by a couple of hours. I was hoping to get up early enough at least to make it to the Waterlooplein flea market because I was on the hunt for some new silver adornments. I missed it completely. By then I had realized that I had left my nice green hat in our savior’s car on Thursday night. Bummer. I decided my head was way too cold without a hat, so I decided to go looking for a new one. I found nothing like I had, only crap from the Turks and H&M. I got something to get me through because there is always at least a light wind there. I went to café April for a coffee to see what that was like; it was kind of a drag. I left there to go back to the hotel to get ready for the evening and walked down Vijzelstraat (sp) to try to find where Sappho was. I got some shitty pizza for a quick dinner and ate it while watching the first episode of the L word. It seemed more like soft porn than a cable TV show.

After getting cleaned up I headed over to Rembrandtplein where Saturday night was in full swing. I popped into Vive La Vie for a couple of drinks before going over to YouII which is conveniently right around the corner, literally. I sat along the window for a while trying to get a feel for the place. One of the bartenders was about seven feet tall, at least it seemed like it. I went to the bar to get a beer and a couple sat in my spot at the window. There was nowhere else to sit, so all I could do was stand there and felt stupid because I was the only one that was without someone to talk to in the whole place. At least it felt that way. I finished my beer and decided to get my things to go. I walked over to the window to get my stuff together and a woman slid over to make room for me to sit. I was a bit miffed at the situation already so I nodded in thanks to her but still got ready to leave and I did. Afterwards I wondered if I should have sat down instead of leaving. I probably would have ended up talking to her at least, oh well I’m such a dork even as a girl.

I went to YouII around the corner for a while. The music wasn’t too bad, as bad as bad can get, it’s all relative I guess. There was a really younger crowd there, but it seemed better than the harsh reviews I had read about it. I hung out until 1am but didn’t end up meeting up with T at all. I stopped by de dampkring on the way back to the hotel for another wit beer.

I was relatively lazy on Sunday morning and didn’t end up getting out of the hotel until 2pm. I went to the Begijnhof to sit and read for a while until I got cold and left. I just wiki’d Begijnhof and found it dates back to the late 1300’s. The ground level inside is a meter below the rest of the city. I went over to Sappho to get something to eat and warm to drink. I finished reading The Female Eunuch there. I know what I will do, do you? Sappho seemed like a chill place to hang, but I was the only person there other than the bartender. She was playing some nice old Billie Holiday for me while I ate my ham and cheddar toasties, dipping them in catsup. I was skeptical about the ketchup, but it was delicious.

I left Sappho and walked over to Saarein II for the noodles café. Apparently they were celebrating their 5th anniversary. I got there just as one of the organizers started to give a speech, unfortunately for me she/he gave it in Dutch. I sat down near an Asian man, who turned out to be a transman, who turned out to be the organizer of the transgender filmfest in Amsterdam. He asked about the transgender community around Ffm, but unfortunately I didn’t have much to say about it. Frankfurt is kinda lame in respect to the nightlife, but what do you expect from a banker’s city? I will probably go to the filmfest this year. After a little bit a tall and attractive woman sat next to me, and we started chatting. She is a photographer and cinematographer and very interesting. The noodles party was breaking up to get ready for bingo. I bought a card myself. Me and, J we’ll call her, went upstairs to the loft level so we could better hear the bingo numbers being called. J and I had fun with the bingo, chatting and laughing at the number lady. We didn’t win anything, bummer.

J mentioned that she was working on different photo projects among other things. She also told me that she goes to Lelebelle’s once in a while to hang out. She asked if I wanted to go there with her for a drink. I was curious about the place so I decided to go with. The cute bartender from Friday night was there, she waved and smiled at me as we left. We talked a bunch more on the way over to Lelebelle’s. J introduced me to a few people that were sitting at the bar. There was a short pudgy guy playing some sort of gambling game that became the first man there to overtly lust after me. J told me that she wanted to photograph me sometime, but she had to leave to go home and work on a project. We exchanged numbers and emails and she was off. About a minute after she left me a Middle Eastern guy started to come on to me. I refused his lustful advances, but they just kept on coming. He even asked me how much money it would take for me to sleep with him. That was it, I got up and left that place utterly disgusted. Being in a place like that made me feel dirty. It reminded me of Playland in Boston’s combat zone. It feels like I am in one of those cartoons where the characters are starving and one looks at me and I turn into a steak or a turkey. Meat. I am not a fuck puppet.

Ibrahim was standing in the doorway as I was walking away, calling to me to come back. I decided to go to see what was going on over at Vive La Vie on the way home. I went in for a beer but it was way too crowded so I finished my beer and left. The super tall bartender man was there again. I went to de dampkring for another wit beer before going back to the hotel. I didn’t realize that I had too many wit beers until I decided to walk home. Good thing the hotel wasn’t far away.

On Monday I got up fairly early to eat breakfast and check to see if I could stay a couple of days longer at the hotel. The hotel was no problem, but I would forfeit my train ticket if I didn’t use it that day. Oh well, I got a super deal of half price anyway. I took advantage of the hotel’s laptop to check email and do some research. I found the vrouwen in druk bookstore site and their new address in Utrecht. I decided that I would go there on Tuesday afternoon because I had nothing better to do. I went out to get a late lunch/early dinner at an Italian joint. I had a three course meal that was very tasty, but I was seated too close to the front door and it was cold. I felt like shit most of the day, feeling like I couldn’t get warm no matter what I did. I went back to the hotel and watched a marathon of the L word while lounging in bed. J sent me a text message asking if I wanted to do a photo shoot at her place on Tuesday night. I accepted and then went to sleep.

I got up much later than I intended and had to rush to get the things done I had planned on so I would be on time to meet J that evening. I went up to the central station to buy another ticket back to Ffm that cost me 74 euro. There weren’t any cabin seats available, so I got a normal window seat instead. I bought a day ticket to Utrecht and waited for the next train. I used the GPS on my PDA to lead me to the bookstore address. I went inside and asked the woman if she had a copy of the Dialectic of Sex by Firestone. She seemed a bit perturbed at first but then she loosened up after a few minutes. She was flustered for a moment because she had seen a copy of it earlier in the day but couldn’t remember where it was. Then she found it. I bought it and also another Germaine Greer book and A Vindication of the Rights of Women by Wollstonecraft. She recommended contacting her through the web next time because it was so much easier for all concerned. I told her that it was convenient for me to go there, so I did. I was happy to get the books that I was looking for. I am turning into such a Feminist.

I rode back to A’dam and then got on a tram to go to the hotel. I got out at the Spui to run by de dampkring to stock up for the long winter hibernation. I walked back to the hotel to drop my stuff and get changed for going to meet J. I ran up to the grocery to get a bottle of wine and then hopped a tram to A'veen. I was about a half an hour late, so much for good time management. We went to her apartment and started off with enjoying a glass of wine and we chatted for a bit. She showed me some of the photos from her projects. We decided to eat before taking some pics. She made tomato basil soup with ciabatta bread and a salad. It was all very tasty and warming, and our conversation was very nice. I felt like I could talk to her about anything and everything.

I am anxious to see how the pictures came out. We had another glass of wine together and then it was time to leave. She walked me to the tram and saw me off. I wanted to ask her if her interest in me was purely creative, or if there might have been something there romantically as well. I didn’t want to push my luck, so I enjoyed myself and if something were to happen I would let her make the first move. That situation was another example of me wondering if there were signs that I was missing, or if I was just hoping too much for something to happen. It all seems so complicated, so I prefer to take the situations for face value and enjoy the moments as they come without any preconceived notions. I had a very nice time with J that evening.

The train ride home was a total bummer. I had to take a regional train to Arnheim to pick up the ICE there. The train was mostly empty so I sat right behind the engineer, practically looking over his shoulder. That was neat to see the world going by at 300+ kmh. We made it as far as Cologne and then they announced that there was an accident with human injury along the high speed track between Cologne and Ffm, and it was closed. We would end up following the Rhein until Koblenz and inland to Fraport. The detour cost me about three extra hours to get home.

I had much fun in A’dam as usual, but it wasn’t the usual fun. I faced some of my insecurities this trip and found they were just that, insecurities. I met some wonderful and interesting people that I hope to meet again in the future. I have also learned more about myself and about different situations. I think that’s enough for now, I will probably discuss the events more, or maybe I will just keep it to myself and my moleskine. I might edit in some links at a later date.