Pictures

I was looking through some photo albums. Big mistake. I was thinking of starting another blog for photos and also one about my friend Rita from Boston. I really need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. Because I'm not so sure anymore. I could be out of a job soon if we are bought out by the right company, or because of my transition. I thought I could handle all this together without major problems. This is by far turning out to be the hardest time of my life. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to deal with all this all at once. I want my mommy.

Looking at the pictures was very difficult. It had never been a problem before. They make me so very sad. This is so hard.

What got inside my head and tainted me for life? Why was I driven to start cross dressing? Where did these feelings come from and why won't they go away? I wish I could open my head up and scrape out the bad parts. Thinking of transition for sixteen years. A lot of weight to carry around. I feel like all that I have lost and willingly sacrificed has created a cavern that is now populated with guilt and sadness. I still wonder if I should have never had started this...is it all really worth it? Ruining my life and of those around me. Changing the physical to match the mental. Always wondering what my future would be like. I could hide my insecurities behind Christopher, but he's no longer big enough to hide them anymore.

I used to look at Rita with a lovingly jealous eye. She was living how I wish I had the balls to. I was too weak then, the reality of it was too much. It hit too close to home. It frightened me to realize who I really am inside. The fright paralyzed my psyche and it was in the beginning easy to bury it. It's very hard to let go and let the necessary changes happen. I need to drag all of this grief out somehow. It's such a tangled mess. How did I become so good at hiding all this? I wish I would have sought professional help a long time ago. I'm not sure if I can really work out so many years of internalization.

To never seriously consider a long term plan. Always knowing the door is there, knowing what is behind it, trying to pretend it wasn't there. Peeking through the keyhole once in a while. So many lies, so much time wasted.

The gravity of all this is really heavy. It is so real. I've known for so long this day would come. It doesn't make it any easier. I wish I would have stopped running. I envy others that come to the realization one day that all their problems are rooted in their gender dysphoria. Not realizing before that point in time what the problem was. I realize the other person's reality isn't any easier, but more that it wasn't on their mind for so long. Looking in the mirror seeing someone else. I hope all these tears wash the hurt away. Funny thing the mind.

It was so much easier to keep this inside. The amount of trouble keeping it inside caused was minimal to the world around me. Embracing what I for so long have feared to let out. I often try to talk myself out of this, denying that it is what I must be. This approach doesn't work anymore. I try to justify it by relying on my past feelings as evidence as to why I am doing this, but I'm finding it is more binary than that. The desire and the drive behind it has always been there in some shape or form. That fact I cannot deny. I can't imagine living without these feelings.

Stopping all this has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I know I can do this, and that I must do this. Stopping this would be a futile attempt at altering destiny. I draw upon other's stories such as James (Cora-Boston-BMEzine) who decided to de-transition. Reading his story through the past couple of years. In contrast I remember reading a letter of deep regret from a dying elderly man about having not transitioned. It was clear that he felt at the end his life was meaningless having never acted on his inner feelings. I'll post a link if I can find it again. Very toubling.

The colors in my life, much brighter and defined (Nicolette).