a difficult letter

I have just finished the first draft of my disclosure letter to extended family, such as my aunts and uncles and cousins.  Everything is slowly falling into its proper place, and I feel the time is right to inform them.  I will no doubt revise it several times before I send it to them, but it is a start.  I decided on a letter as opposed to email or calling to give them all the time they need to fully digest the gravity of my disclosure, and to decide for themselves how they ultimately feel about it.  I hope their reactions will be positive.  But I also know that may not be the case.  I haven’t been as close to them as I wish I was, and hope to improve that in the future.

I have received my hearing date in Pontiac for my name change this week in the mail.  The hearing is scheduled for the first of March at 8.30 am.  Ironically, the judge that presided over my divorce is also the judge that will preside over my name change.  I’m not sure he will remember the circumstances of my divorce case, but he will surely know that he administered it because it is written on my application.  I hope me not being present for my divorce proceedings will not cause any complications in my hearing with him.  I should probably express my regrets for not being there, as I relied on Karen to inform me of the date, which she didn’t.  I didn’t know it had come to pass until it was already over.  I am nevertheless excited about being able to change my name to better reflect my identity.

I was also contemplating scheduling a hair transplant session while I am in Detroit, as it will probably be cheaper than in Europe because there is more competition there for such procedures.  The less invasive procedure, although more expensive, would allow me to travel without risk of compromising the results.  I am thinking that I want to re-establish my hairline and then fill in a little behind it, adding just enough density so that my scalp is not so noticeable.  This will help improve my self confidence level and allow me to actually have a hairstyle.  That thought makes me very happy.

I think my colleagues at work are starting to notice my physical changes.  I have noticed a couple of them looking at me with a puzzled look on their face.  One even asked me outright why I am so thin and why my face keeps looking thinner.  I didn’t feel the setting and time was right to tell him, so I just came up with a clever retort and that was the end of it.  I had been wondering lately how no one has consciously noticed any change in me.  It is plain for me to see, as I know what I am doing and know what to look for.  I somehow think that it will become progressively more obvious as the days lead up to my coming out at work.  If that is the case, hopefully it won’t be so shocking for some.  I wish this wasn’t shocking at all, but that is a reality common to this pursuit.

I regret that Karen and I have drifted so far apart through all of this.  I still love her very much, but on a different level than when we were together.  I don’t worry about her as much as I used to.  Unfortunately her love for me, which I like to think she did have at one time, has turned to anger and perhaps hatred.  It is my fault she feels this way.  I accept the way she feels about me, although I wish it could be different.  I hope someday that we can have some kind of relationship again, on whatever level.  I don’t harbor any ill will for what she has written to me, because I like to think of it as a healing process of sorts.  I hope that through her expressing her anger with me and the situation will help her get past it, even though it may never bring her to the point where she can view me again in a positive way.  I take comfort in the fun we had together, and try not to dwell on the not so fun times.  I am happy to have spent those years of my life with her, and look upon the memories with fondness.  I am finding it hard to let go of Karen, with whom I spent seven years of my life.  I am sorry Karen.