blood sweat and tears
I wish it would rain finally. We have been enjoying a heat wave for two weeks now. Every day has been in the 90’s without any wind. I am thankful that I am now able to wear what suits me, as I have been wearing mostly light and airy skirts with skimpy tops. Being able to wear a skirt in this heat is definitely a plus. Now if I was only able to feel comfortable in a swimsuit everything would be great. Although I’m not sure that the swimming holes would be actually refreshing after it being so hot for so long. I just washed my face and the water was refreshingly cold. Thanks for that.
Today is Ann’s birthday, Happy Birthday Annie!!! I hope you enjoy your day. I will probably call her later since everyone is still sleeping over there right now. Tonight Mari is having a barbecue to celebrate her graduation from engineering school. I’m so proud of her. I first met her in the summer of 2001, when I was here for three months to help out. We became good friends over that summer and we still enjoy a strong friendship. That summer I can remember sitting in the Herrengarten or somewhere discussing life and work and she mentioned going back to finish her degree. I encouraged her to do it as she was frustrated with her mobility without a degree. She went back to college that fall working and learning. She has gone through a lot since then and I admire her drive to finish successfully. She has earned it, and she deserves a big CONGRATULATIONS!!!
I am in the middle of making a black denim hip-hugger mini with red topstitching. It’s a tasteful mini, one that will hopefully help me deal with the heat. I wanted to make a new top to go with it, but I’m not sure if I’ll have the time. I should probably do some food shopping today but I really don’t have much of an appetite in this weather. I should just buy lots of cukes. I always enjoy my forays into the Plus store. The selection is usually hit or miss and the drunks with their plastic beer bottle returns are always a treat. I personally think that drinking beer out of a plastic bottle is just plain wrong. Or maybe I am just jaded by the loud and obnoxious people that return the bottles to buy some more, as if they need it. The cashiers have been hardened by the repeated abuse and I feel bad for them that they have to deal with such people.
Last Wednesday I wrote out my resignation and signed it. I was at the point of no return. I was so depressed and needed to get out. I still do. My BU manager invited me out for a beer to discuss the situation, again. That morning I had a lot of trouble fighting back the tears. What started it all again was Alex asking me if I was upset with him. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t, but couldn’t finish because I would have started sobbing. I spoke to my super at lunch which helped my mood a bit. I wrote Heike an email calling her out for her treatment of me the day before. I also asked her why she doesn’t support me anymore. A lot of the things she would reassure me would not happen are now coming to pass. I tried not to be damaging in any way, I just tried to get out what I was feeling that day about the situation. I could tell that she was acting a bit differently on Thursday, perhaps a bit more calm. I was told she was looking for me when she was on her way home but we didn’t meet. I stated in my email that I was expecting an apology for her treatment of me. I am not a child, nor a pubescent teen. I felt a little guilty but then those are my feelings and I have to stick to them. I am slowly learning the politics of women in the workplace. I never got an apology.
In our team meeting on Thursday I was able to enjoy watching the CA squirm in his chair. The main PM was grilling him on things he was supposed to have finished and he had nothing. Need more time. I have been trying to figure out how this man has made a career out of consulting. Maybe he is better at single facet projects and systems are just too much for him to handle. He should just admit that he can’t hack it, or isn’t suited for the work we need and quit. In the end we are lining his pockets for nothing in return.
I spent most of yesterday at work trying to make sense of the information that the CA distributed. I was expecting information that I could somehow use to further my design efforts to the point where I could actually order something, anything. I discussed lots of it with the temp engineer. We came to the conclusion that everything the CA has done in the past months since he has been with us has been all for naught. A colossal waste of time and money. The time is the most important factor at this point. Most of the people that read or hear this guy know he is full of shit but nobody feels they can get rid of him. The managers need to do their job because they owe it to the pres to tell him when someone is useless and needs to go. Especially if they are a consultant that costs a pretty penny. The others don’t read and hear as much as I do from him, and some actually tell me they feel for me, but no one will do anything about it. It’s no wonder I am at the point of breakdown. My super is to be the buffer, or filter between me and the CA. He plans to nail his ass to a chair and make him write a list of everything he has worked on and completed since his coming and where we can find the files on the server. The man is incompetent plain and simple. I continually expose his incompetence and he retaliates with underhanded personal attacks. The workers council was prepared to hear my case against him, but I only have one written example of his tricks. I told them that I would wait to see if I endure more attacks and then I would blow the whistle. I have to be careful with my public accusations.
I take my job seriously. I have to. The fate of many people and part of the company are riding on it. I am very passionate about what I design and take pride in being able to create a quality machine. It is no wonder my emotions are running high. I have a responsibility to the people that procure and build what I have designed. They expect competent solutions to help them be more effective, and deservedly so. In the end I think we can get past this idiot and deliver on our charge. It may just take us a lot longer than expected since we have lost lots of time. The CA will be on vacation for three weeks starting the first of August. Joy! We can actually use the time to be productive.
I should think about taking some vacation time as well. I am not sure where I wan to go. I was contemplating Iceland again. I really want to go back there. I am thinking a small cabin on the north side of the island totally isolated from the rest of the world, a place that would make me happy to see humans again after the week is over. Beautiful scenery there is to be expected every step of the way. I was also contemplating going back to the states for two weeks, spending a few days in Detroit and then on to Mass. I could go to the island for a few days, maybe swim in the ocean. I long to hang out with my sisters again. A little isolation sounds better at this point. I think I will do some research online, that’s if my computer cooling fan tows the line.
I heard from Stef this week. She is apparently in country for a month, working no doubt. I miss hanging out with her and Nate. We always had such a good time when the came to visit. I wish I had more friends that have no connection to the job or transsexuality. Don’t get me wrong, the people I consider friends in those circles I appreciate very much. I want to look into taking a language or a silversmith course at the VH this fall. I want to learn French and also designing and making silver jewelry interests me very much. It would also give me the chance to get out and meet new people. I generally don’t hold myself back when choosing when and where to go out. All the places that I used to frequent as Christopher I frequent now as Christine. There really hasn’t been a change in where I feel comfortable going and being myself.
One day at lunch this week I was just about to sit down to eat, and couldn’t help but notice a group of women that work at another company on our campus were blatantly turning around in their chairs to ogle at me, as if they had never seen a transfrau before. I felt a little uncomfortable at first, but then I just stared back and smiled at the last one to turn around. She sort of smiled, perhaps a bit taken aback that I even acknowledged their tackiness and returned with a smile. I can almost hear what they must be saying. I’m sure it’s got around that there is a transfrau in their midst, and therefore comes the discovery, “there she is” (at least I hope they say she). Situations like that don’t really bother me, except when people act dumb. A smile shows that I don’t care if they are staring at me because I feel comfortable with my person.
Today is Ann’s birthday, Happy Birthday Annie!!! I hope you enjoy your day. I will probably call her later since everyone is still sleeping over there right now. Tonight Mari is having a barbecue to celebrate her graduation from engineering school. I’m so proud of her. I first met her in the summer of 2001, when I was here for three months to help out. We became good friends over that summer and we still enjoy a strong friendship. That summer I can remember sitting in the Herrengarten or somewhere discussing life and work and she mentioned going back to finish her degree. I encouraged her to do it as she was frustrated with her mobility without a degree. She went back to college that fall working and learning. She has gone through a lot since then and I admire her drive to finish successfully. She has earned it, and she deserves a big CONGRATULATIONS!!!
I am in the middle of making a black denim hip-hugger mini with red topstitching. It’s a tasteful mini, one that will hopefully help me deal with the heat. I wanted to make a new top to go with it, but I’m not sure if I’ll have the time. I should probably do some food shopping today but I really don’t have much of an appetite in this weather. I should just buy lots of cukes. I always enjoy my forays into the Plus store. The selection is usually hit or miss and the drunks with their plastic beer bottle returns are always a treat. I personally think that drinking beer out of a plastic bottle is just plain wrong. Or maybe I am just jaded by the loud and obnoxious people that return the bottles to buy some more, as if they need it. The cashiers have been hardened by the repeated abuse and I feel bad for them that they have to deal with such people.
Last Wednesday I wrote out my resignation and signed it. I was at the point of no return. I was so depressed and needed to get out. I still do. My BU manager invited me out for a beer to discuss the situation, again. That morning I had a lot of trouble fighting back the tears. What started it all again was Alex asking me if I was upset with him. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t, but couldn’t finish because I would have started sobbing. I spoke to my super at lunch which helped my mood a bit. I wrote Heike an email calling her out for her treatment of me the day before. I also asked her why she doesn’t support me anymore. A lot of the things she would reassure me would not happen are now coming to pass. I tried not to be damaging in any way, I just tried to get out what I was feeling that day about the situation. I could tell that she was acting a bit differently on Thursday, perhaps a bit more calm. I was told she was looking for me when she was on her way home but we didn’t meet. I stated in my email that I was expecting an apology for her treatment of me. I am not a child, nor a pubescent teen. I felt a little guilty but then those are my feelings and I have to stick to them. I am slowly learning the politics of women in the workplace. I never got an apology.
In our team meeting on Thursday I was able to enjoy watching the CA squirm in his chair. The main PM was grilling him on things he was supposed to have finished and he had nothing. Need more time. I have been trying to figure out how this man has made a career out of consulting. Maybe he is better at single facet projects and systems are just too much for him to handle. He should just admit that he can’t hack it, or isn’t suited for the work we need and quit. In the end we are lining his pockets for nothing in return.
I spent most of yesterday at work trying to make sense of the information that the CA distributed. I was expecting information that I could somehow use to further my design efforts to the point where I could actually order something, anything. I discussed lots of it with the temp engineer. We came to the conclusion that everything the CA has done in the past months since he has been with us has been all for naught. A colossal waste of time and money. The time is the most important factor at this point. Most of the people that read or hear this guy know he is full of shit but nobody feels they can get rid of him. The managers need to do their job because they owe it to the pres to tell him when someone is useless and needs to go. Especially if they are a consultant that costs a pretty penny. The others don’t read and hear as much as I do from him, and some actually tell me they feel for me, but no one will do anything about it. It’s no wonder I am at the point of breakdown. My super is to be the buffer, or filter between me and the CA. He plans to nail his ass to a chair and make him write a list of everything he has worked on and completed since his coming and where we can find the files on the server. The man is incompetent plain and simple. I continually expose his incompetence and he retaliates with underhanded personal attacks. The workers council was prepared to hear my case against him, but I only have one written example of his tricks. I told them that I would wait to see if I endure more attacks and then I would blow the whistle. I have to be careful with my public accusations.
I take my job seriously. I have to. The fate of many people and part of the company are riding on it. I am very passionate about what I design and take pride in being able to create a quality machine. It is no wonder my emotions are running high. I have a responsibility to the people that procure and build what I have designed. They expect competent solutions to help them be more effective, and deservedly so. In the end I think we can get past this idiot and deliver on our charge. It may just take us a lot longer than expected since we have lost lots of time. The CA will be on vacation for three weeks starting the first of August. Joy! We can actually use the time to be productive.
I should think about taking some vacation time as well. I am not sure where I wan to go. I was contemplating Iceland again. I really want to go back there. I am thinking a small cabin on the north side of the island totally isolated from the rest of the world, a place that would make me happy to see humans again after the week is over. Beautiful scenery there is to be expected every step of the way. I was also contemplating going back to the states for two weeks, spending a few days in Detroit and then on to Mass. I could go to the island for a few days, maybe swim in the ocean. I long to hang out with my sisters again. A little isolation sounds better at this point. I think I will do some research online, that’s if my computer cooling fan tows the line.
I heard from Stef this week. She is apparently in country for a month, working no doubt. I miss hanging out with her and Nate. We always had such a good time when the came to visit. I wish I had more friends that have no connection to the job or transsexuality. Don’t get me wrong, the people I consider friends in those circles I appreciate very much. I want to look into taking a language or a silversmith course at the VH this fall. I want to learn French and also designing and making silver jewelry interests me very much. It would also give me the chance to get out and meet new people. I generally don’t hold myself back when choosing when and where to go out. All the places that I used to frequent as Christopher I frequent now as Christine. There really hasn’t been a change in where I feel comfortable going and being myself.
One day at lunch this week I was just about to sit down to eat, and couldn’t help but notice a group of women that work at another company on our campus were blatantly turning around in their chairs to ogle at me, as if they had never seen a transfrau before. I felt a little uncomfortable at first, but then I just stared back and smiled at the last one to turn around. She sort of smiled, perhaps a bit taken aback that I even acknowledged their tackiness and returned with a smile. I can almost hear what they must be saying. I’m sure it’s got around that there is a transfrau in their midst, and therefore comes the discovery, “there she is” (at least I hope they say she). Situations like that don’t really bother me, except when people act dumb. A smile shows that I don’t care if they are staring at me because I feel comfortable with my person.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 11:32 AM
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