um, yeah that's it.

I’ve been feeling a bit off balance lately. I’m not sure what it is. It all started last Thursday after my electrolysis torture. On Friday at work I felt sort of drained and weak. I met Mari and Christi at the Grohe biergarten for some beers and something to eat, namely a schusterpfanne. Harto was there too, mingling with the regulars and such. Harto is such a character. The first time I met him was at the Krone, and by the end of the night he was groping my ass. That was when I had first come out. We were all pretty toasted that night. Anyway, Friday I felt like I looked like a man or at least a freak. My lips and chin were three times larger than they usually are and the skin around my mouth was red as hell since I am not allowed to put make up on it for 24 hours. I rode to Walmart before meeting Mari, the cashier lady was looking at me very snidely. I tried to ignore her, but her long curly white chin hairs kept scratching at me. Everyone has their crosses to bear I guess. Mari spent most of the night trying to cheer me up and it seemed to work…or was it the five beers I drank? Thankfully Saturday was upon us.

We had intentions of going to the Christopher Street Day in Ffm on Saturday afternoon, but it somehow didn’t happen. I think it may have had something to do with the hangovers we were nursing. Curse that evil alcohol. I worked a little on my olive shorts and mostly was lazy up until late afternoon when I decided to wash my sweat ridden body.

During my laziness I was surfing and googled “best cities European singles” to try to find a place to go on vacation. A dating site in the results sparked my interest, so went and took a look-see. By the time I knew it I was doing a free registration and generating a profile. It just goes to show how desperate I am to meet new people, and more specifically a woman. I have been thinking about what I want as far as a mate, and came to the conclusion that I still like females more than men. I figured I could give the online thing a whirl and see what happens. I registered as a bisexual female because I am still carrying around what a counselor told me once. I would rather be more open about what I want and just register lesbian, but I’m worried about backlash from the supposed feminazi lesbians my counselor told me about. Bisexual female is relatively neutral seeing as how I am kinda in between at the moment. I came clean in my profile text about my transsexuality and tried to downplay it as not being my only defining attribute. I got some smiles from three women in the UK. There are some women in the area, but I am a bit hesitant to make the first move. I’m still testing the waters.

Then yesterday I was working on a denim skirt and was suddenly stricken with anxiety. I became nervous at the realization: what if someone contacts me? What will I do? What will I say? I had dated women when I was a man and was nervous then about talking with them. Now I am faced with it from a totally different angle. I realized I hadn’t thought this through far enough before doing it. I felt maybe I wasn’t ready to meet new people, and that I was being a little too hasty. I thought about the fact that I still have a penis and that if I did meet a woman, I wouldn’t want to use it at all. I feel at this point I have no right to use it anymore. It would go against everything I am doing. It barely functions anymore, yes I’ve tried, but I really wish it was just not there. Having nothing there would be a better alternative. Then I thought about if I were to get really excited what would happen? I began to feel traumatized when I thought about what could happen. I’m not sure I could handle that. I should probably get my hands on some androcur. That will do the trick.

I think I might be getting some libido bubbling to the surface. It feels so strange though. Since I started taking hormones over a year ago, I haven’t had any sign of libido and I didn’t miss it. It seems I am still developing both mentally and physically. My breasts have been in a growth cycle lately, which is welcomed, but I also feel differently mentally. I find it hard at this point to put into words exactly what I am feeling. It is almost surreal, as if reality is becoming more real. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but I feel somehow as if I am morphing again. Almost as if there are planes or dimensions of femininity or female-ness and I have just crossed over to a higher one. Or maybe I am just being a freak. Even though it is all very strange and new, I feel oddly comfortable with it. I almost feel lighter and somewhat euphoric. Is gender euphoria the opposite of gender dysphoria? Is there such a thing or place?

It could be also that I am slowly reaching the point of no return with the hormones. They say 18 months is the point where the damage to the goods is permanent. I have come to welcome that eventuality. I thought when I crossed the gender role fence that that was it with the new feelings. I am happy to say that something is still moving, and in the right direction too. I wonder if all my problems at work and my over-emotionality in the recent weeks has been possibly been a side effect of not producing testosterone anymore. Maybe my hormone balance has changed in that the suppression of the testosterone is complete and the estrogen has the run of the place. I suppose that could be a logical solution, since in a couple of days will be exactly the 18 month mark. The notion of going back to living as a male couldn’t seem more of a distant memory than it does now. I don’t ever want to go back.

For a time I was worried that I was fooling myself to think that this was correct for me. Even though it is difficult being me sometimes, overall it just keeps getting better. It’s a good thing this transition process takes years, because the reality of it all is quite an intense mind-fuck. Imagine changing so much so quickly that people don’t recognize you anymore, including yourself. I had always had an image of myself and wondered how I would really look if I did this. Now that it is reality, I am able to see and feel who I really am. I am so happy I did this and I can’t fully describe how it feels. It almost feels as if I slipped out of my old body and into a new one. I can tell it’s still my old body though; the welding scars are still all over it. Little, deep reminders of what I once was. My past is still with me, but it has become easier to look back upon it and know it is my past. It seems silly to me now to think I was so conflicted for so long. I don’t wish I could change the past, because if I did I would have never experienced everything I have done and seen, good or bad. The conflict has been replaced by a shred of inner peace which is much smaller than the conflict was, but a little bit of inner peace goes a long way.

Just before I finally decided to transition, I remember looking in the mirror at my hairline and thinking that I didn’t want to lose anymore, so I had better transition. I looked upon that rationale as me being a fake and vain, but now I realize it was just me using visuals to give me an excuse finally do it. Whereas I had always been making up excuses not to do it. That of course was a pivotal time in my thinking which led up to the eventual rejection of denial and the acceptance of my fate. How sweet it is.