queer (un)eventful

I am trying not to get discouraged. I went to a boring lesbian party last night in Ffm. It was boring for me because no one even gave me a second look, and if they did it was a look of contempt. Well, not really, that’s just me being pissy. I am convinced I am not going to meet any new friends, much less a partner, at the lesbian parties. I am going to generalize and say that the partygoers are either not open-minded enough, or it is taboo for any of them to have an interest in a transqueerchick♀♀. As one could easily guess, I was the only transwoman there. This is going to be a long and lonely road that I am on. That’s why I am trying not to get discouraged. I have tried the online dating thing and was honest about my status in my profile. That is definitely not going to work either.

I felt that the parties that I went to in a’dam had more open-minded people, and in such an environment I was able to talk to more people easily. The problem is, I am not able to get to a’dam all that often, and parties like that in DE are few and far between. I stress the far part, as most of the seemingly good genderqueer parties are in either Köln or berlin. The next party that I have found is in Köln on 30.06.2007 and is called “Ausnahme” which means exception in german. I am looking forward to it very much.

I have also realized that I find most lesbians at least visually unattractive. I’m not knocking them, everyone has the right to be themselves, but that is just how I feel. I am a very visually oriented person. I can’t remember names, but I could probably tell you what they were wearing when I met them, for example. I remember faces better, so I tend to write names down before I forget. I guess I am honing my likes and dislikes relative to my attraction to other gay women. I should treat my experiences so far as learning about my newly classified sexuality.

I have a fortune from a fortune cookie that reads “Don’t expect romantic attachments to be strictly logical or rational!” Lucky Numbers 2,47,4,22,38,6 I think that will be the case with me if and when I find love again. I think the best thing for me to do is to skip the lesbian stuff and hit the genderqueer events, and just keep a queer eye open for that special person. I assume s/he will be a punk rock boyish girl with a definite personal style.

I have been looking for other types of events such as drum and bass parties. There is a gay club in Mannheim called MS Connexions that I went to a few years ago for DnB parties, that is still around a still doing the parties. Their next one is on my birthday, Friday the 22, called D&B Summer Camp. There is a party tonight in Mainz-Kastel at Reduit called Time 4 TriFire Roll:out. The party is on a container ship floating in the Rheinufer. It sounds like fun, so I might go. Taking the train would be the cheapest way to get there, but the first train home runs at 4.30a. I will be stuck if the party turns out to be a dud. The admission is only 3€ and they claim very relaxed drink prices. Sounds like a winner for a slowly going broke techhead. Plus I haven’t been to a real DnB party in a while. The description of the sound is jazzy raga dub-tech-step. Sounds good. I don’t have anyone to impress so I can allow myself to get all sweaty from dancing the night away and not care. It’s all about the music. The DJanes that were playing last night played too much of a mix to be coherent. They did play one semi-DnB song, but that was it.

I wish I could be in Rotterdam tonight, as there is a party with Technical Itch at the waterfront. It seems that waterfront club has some interesting events. I wish I could go. I am still listening to tech itch stuff that I have from almost ten years ago. I think the Mainz party is probably a good alternative.

I have several events coming up this month that I am sure I will enjoy, like Sonic Youth, Blonde Redhead, and The Sea and Cake. TSaC are playing coincidentally at the Brotfabrik in Ffm, the same place I was at last night. Next weekend the sonic yuts are on deck. I have seen them three times in thpast few years. The first time was at the phoenix center in Pontiac, the second in Köln @ e-werk, and the third in Saint Brieuc @ art rock with Mari. They are always great, even if the crowd sometimes isn’t.

I can only assume that I will meet semi-interested or at least curious women in places that I wouldn’t expect it. Case in point, last December on the vineyard at the wharf with Rach and Troy. There I met Laura-Lee, whom I never expected to meet at a bar such as that. I guess in the end it is only logical that I carry on doing the things that I like, but always trying new places/things out here and there, I am bound to meet someone someday that has similar likes as me

I began to get depressed and slightly upset last night on the way home, but it quickly faded. I went with the assumption that it would turn out to be exactly as it did, so it is no big loss. I hope that my presence there last night challenged some of the women there to think about transwomen, good or bad. Am I the only transqueerchick in the whole of Rhein-Main area? I really hope not. I feel most of the time I am merely tolerated in lesbian circles, and not really ever embraced. It seems that their open-mindedness ends after the door, whereas they are open-minded enough to let me in and tolerate me, but not quite enough to seriously consider even talking to me. I suppose I could try to be more forward, but when I am the exception and not the rule, I am at an instant disadvantage. I wonder if presenting myself not so femme would help, but I am not going to change myself to fit in, even though I am doing just that with my gender in society. I am not so convinced that fitting in is really where it’s at either, and the reality is I will never fit in again just by virtue of being trans. But whatever, I have made certain choices in my life that have certain consequences and accepting the consequences is becoming easier on some fronts.

I miss talking with my ex, I wish she would call or write or something, anything. I can only assume that she and/or her family decided to cut contact with me. I have no choice but to accept it. One rationalization that I came up with is that it has become too difficult emotionally to deal with the person who I am. This saddens me, but there is little I can do about it so I am trying to move on. I have found that the hardest ones to lose are not the ones that immediately go away, but rather the ones that stick around for a while and then split. I guess that I also did the same thing; Christopher stuck around for a while and then split to become Christine. Maybe it’s only fair, but it still hurts. I thought we had a bond strong enough to carry at least our friendship through.

I wish I had someone to get advice from on my lack of a love life. But I think my situation is a perhaps too seldom an occurrence to really find any good advice. Maybe I should start another blog as a forum for my lame search for a companion. Maybe some other transqueerchicks out there are going through the same things I am and are also looking for advice. I sometimes feel I am trying to navigate uncharted waters. I could and should look at this as an adventure with lots of low points with very few highs. That just makes the high points all that much more special, and a reason to persevere.

I will get around to writing my thoughts on my recent trip to a’dam soon, promise. Not that anyone even reads my drivel.

I’m from Sherman Oaks, just a wheel with spokes…KG-SY