posteed

I have so many posts that I wrote that I never posted. I usually write my posts in word and then paste them into my blogs. I learned that trick in my early blogging days. I got sick of after working on a post for hours by some strange twist of fate it’s gone. Lost forever. If I had posted all of it, I wouldn’t seem like such a disinterested blogger.

I am feeling abnormally depressed today. In my work email there was a big letdown. I was slated to work on an engineering study that is worth a million euro that appears to have passed me by. I was hoping that we would be getting some new orders so that I could keep working. Everything just looks bleak today. I suppose it could have something to do with me missing my gel for four days in a row. Or, it could be that the economy is in the shitter big time, I’m just about broke due to working only three days a week, and the weather is gray cold and snowy. All I want to do is sleep all the time.

I am thinking that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to take the fashion blogging too seriously. I should have known it would have been addictive like crack. I got so high from the experience that I am completely obsessed with doing it again, and this time to get paid for it. I think I am good enough, actually better than blogging, but blogging is so super hot at the moment that I can’t pass it up. I have the potential to write at a more advanced level than blogging, so I am hoping that through blogging I can work my way into some real writing. Full feature length articles preferably. I am struggling with how to get the most exposure to generate the most amount of leads for freelance assignments.

I loved the journalism aspect of the Fashion Week coverage. It felt so natural to be discussing the details with the designers. I felt almost like a peer, almost. I was able to at least speak their language and therefore got them to open up to me. I wanted to get inside their heads to get as much content as possible. The problem is condensing it afterward. That is something I need to work on. I take in so much visually that I have trouble with leaving something out, feeling the article incomplete or not telling the whole story.

How did blogs become so popular anyway? I started this one in 2005 and it served it’s purpose for me personally. It is a depository for written accounts of my experiences. With all the supposed visibility that I gained through blogging AIFW, it stands to reason that many people have visited my vault here. I wonder what they think of me now? I am not entirely the polished, confident persona that I displayed at the shows. Or am I? I think deep down inside I am that person, and that is my game face. Everyone needs a game face, especially in fashion.

I experienced almost total professionalism at AIFW. I wasn’t turned away by anyone, except for the official closing party. I wanted to go as a form of closure of the events. They wouldn’t let me past the door and I thought it seemed like the only pretentious situation I had encountered all week. The party seemed more like a Redken courting session from outside, and I don’t think anyone I know actually went. I got to look for a recognizable name on the guest list, but it seemed like there weren’t any discernible names, just the same email address over and over. The greeters were aloof but nice enough, and there was a total thug with really bad energy controlling the door. I went home and got to spend time with my fiancé. That was rewarding. We worked on getting my website organized together.

It does something to me to view a designer’s collection the very first time it is shown, before public consumption. I also see that it is a made up privilege, only to be shown to everyone who cares to look at photos a couple of minutes later. It is definitely different experiencing it live, the first view.  What a rush!

on my own

The title has nothing to do with this post. I just need to get some of my own thoughts out without censoring them. I find myself at the end of a tailspin.

Now I am allowed to crash and burn. I have the next four days off. I am on layoff Fridays and Mondays for the whole month of February. I haven't been sleeping much lately, due to the candle burning at both ends that I carry to light my way.

I have fantasies of being like the fashion column writer I read about that writes for the NYT. Spending lots of time in Paris and NYC. Experiencing fashion at it's best. Jetting around the world dedicated to fashion.

I was already obsessed with fashion before all this happened, now I am off my face. It's all I think about now, almost, well a lot. More than I probably should. The nun stops me mid sentence when I start talking about it. I need to be in it, like an addiction. I felt so high after speaking with tom s. at aifw, after I realized who he was. That was a big problem for me, that I don't really know many people involved. I do know more people now, though.

Tom told me that I made a statement with my personal presentation at the shows. I wish I wasn't so hard with him when he first approached me. "Well, you look good." he said. Then I came back without even thinking, like a defense reflex, "It's my business to look good." I honestly don't know where that came from. I normally don't act like that at all. There have been strange fits of over confidence and actually narcissism too that have come out. I find it a bit embarrassing now that I think back on the past three weeks.  I did manage to keep it together while mingling with the guests.

His complement was genuine, he even called me after he read my pieces on the shows. It made me feel somewhat good, not as much as it should have I guess. I felt more excited that I spoke with someone who could possibly use my writing talents. I find that my appearance in normal circumstances like my current job is out of place. I am way over dressed for the office most of the time. But at the shows I felt like my appearance fit in perfectly, the atmosphere felt normal and I felt dressed just right. That was a nice feeling. I guess I have been preparing for something like this to happen without even knowing it. The nun was wondering why I was buying so many shoes.  Now you know.

shaku and stiring

I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions lately, with the instability mostly attributed to the hours I have been keeping. When I get overtired everything seems so heavy. I think it would help my condition if I try not to take things so seriously. If I am destined to have a writing career, it will happen on its own. Me pushing too hard is not yielding very good results.

I am satisfied with what I have written so far. I have been approaching my writing with a optimistic and positive eye, but I think I need to temper the positivity with a bit of the negative. After all, not everything I see is agreeable. I have been sort of ignoring what I think is completely pretentious and of poor quality.

I am gaining invaluable experience in the fashion industry. I have no one to coach me, and unfortunately I must go about this completely cold. I think that I am doing very well so far, considering the lack of experience. I am trying to meet and talk with as many people as possible.

After AIFW is finished, I plan to continue the journalism on my own. I will have to seek out events to report on, on my own. Doing that I think will be what puts me on the writing globe.

I think also that copywriting would be much less stressful, and I wouldn't have to deal with the flighty people. But the problem with that is: I love fashion! And I noticed that I felt completely comfortable attending the shows. This all happened so quickly. I wished I had time before to make new pieces for myself to wear. I am just making due with my old rags, but at least they are the rags of my own hands. That feels especially good. I am actually at a place where there is a high chance of meeting someone like me in that regard.

I will try to keep an open mind and be as calm and relaxed as possible, and it will work itself out, somehow. I just hope my editor still wants to work with me, the problem child. I had a serious melt down last night that I am not proud of. I only hope I haven't soured any of the fresh relationships that I am trying to forge.

This is niether the beginning nor the end of my writing career. I think it has only yet to begin.

This is all just a warm-up. Stretching the rusty fingers and massaging the matter.

TAG-01

I began my stay in the hospital today. The first day for a planned operation is really boring. They just poke about your person and stick various needles in your flesh. I am again in a room with three other women. I tried to reserve a double room ahead of time, but they are so full that I am not able to get into a double right away. Somehow I doubt I will be here long enough until a double opens up. I am with two younger and one older woman. One of the younger ones has been puking all day long, and bitching about the docs constantly. She has finally fallen asleep and I hope she stays that way all night. I am trying to pass the time by chatting on skype with the nun0. I have internet access this time, so I am hoping to be able to blog as much as possible to make this ordeal go by as quickly as possible. I went through hell last time I was here, so I know what to expect and I hope with this knowledge it will be a bit easier this time. Internet access is free, but I have to go to the front desk every 24 hours to renew it. After surgery I am not sure how long it will take before I am on my feet again, so I may have to wait until Saturday to surface again online.

So on to nuts and bolts…if you don’t want to read the gory details, this is your last chance to tune out.

Some surgeons prefer a one step surgery, and others prefer to perform a two step procedure. Obviously in the one step procedure they re-arrange everything on one shot. With the two step, the first is more or less to “rough it in” which means to re-arrange the pieces leaving as much tissue as possible as reserve should complications occur. The second step is usually optional, often performed like in my case to make the neo-vagina look more aesthetically correct. I will be having a mons pubis plastic, labia majora reduction, and possibly having the urethra shortened. The mons pubis plastic will create the “venus mound” and also provide the clitoral hood to protect the ever so sensitive clitoris. As it is now my labia just form two vertical ridges of flesh without coming together at all above the clitoris. The labia majora are long enough to cover it most of the time, but they are long enough to make it look like I have given birth to four or five children. Hence the labia mjora reduction procedure. The labia minora and majora are formed using the scrotal tissue, since it is relatively the same as labial tissue. They leave them extra long to facilitate skin grafting should some of the vaginal tissue die off post operative. I was lucky to have no problems with healing. The shortening of the urethra will be decided during the surgery tomorrow morning. If it was a purely aesthetic problem, I would leave it as it is, but if it grows more I stand the chance of it peeking out of my shortened labia and therefore rubbing on my panties. And also when I am sexually aroused the tissue around it swells quite a bit and it looks like the stump of my penis coming out. It was a bit disturbing at first, but I am used to it now, after all it is a part of me. If I was with a male partner they would probably find it really disturbing, but otherwise since I don’t produce mucous there, there really is no other physical indication that I am aroused. That was really the only advantageous part of having it in the first place.

I was reading in my charts today the text description of my first surgery. The surgeon wrote that the bulb of spongiosum tissue at the base of my former member formerly known as my penis was abnormally large. They also found that my prostate is abnormally small. Funny my body is.

So now, a year later almost to the day, I am back here in the Markus Krankenhaus in Frankfurt-Ginnheim. Tomorrow’s surgery should be a cake walk compared to the first surgery. Having to stay immobile for five days really drove me nuts. Plus I was having withdrawals from nicotine and they wouldn’t administer my hormones either. I was really fucked at one point. I feel kind of bad about being such a baby last time. I am hoping things will go much better, since I am better prepared. Although I have no one here to help me this time, nun0 really held me together last time, I have lots of things to keep me occupied. I have lots of films on my laptop, lots of magazines, a couple of books, and sketching materials for designing some outfits. I was hoping to have internet access so that I can copy some pics from various pattern websites and make design boards with paint shop. I also have my external HD with me so that I can try to start sorting and editing my many scribblings that never made it on my blog. I have written so much that I have just kept for myself. Its time they see the light of day. I think I will have a chamomile tea and start watching a movie.

body single

I have been sewing clothing for myself continuously since just before I went into hospital for surgery. I am proud of my stamina. I think partly my improved body image has something to do with it. I have cut back on practicing aïkido since I started again after recovering from surgery. I am practicing regularly on Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays. I have been wanting to go on Wednesdays and Sundays as well, but I usually work late on Wednesdays and Sundays I am just plain too lazy to go out of the apartment. Lazy isn’t quite correct, well maybe. I am usually working on a garment and I like to take a catnap in the afternoon to get some extra rest in between. It seems that practicing three days a week corresponds to my exercise needs relative to my nutritional intake. I love aïkido. I am so thankful to my gf for introducing me to it. Domo arigato baba. My body has continually changed since taking hormones, and to think of it, I started taking them back in March of 2005. I have been on them for four years now, and next week will be my third anniversary of my coming out to my work colleagues, and subsequently my step into living fulltime. Yay for milestones. I am 99 percent satisfied and happy with my decision to transition.

There are some negative things that were expected to happen that have come to pass. One example that I can think of difficulty finding a job. I have been on five or six interviews in the Netherlands that turned out that I was either offered a ridiculously low salary, or told that my qualifications didn’t match their needs. I will continue looking, but I am slowly starting to think that I have to expand my search beyond just the Netherlands. I think that my qualifications are just fine, and I usually told so in the actual interview, but when it comes down to it, I suspect that if there are two candidates and one is me that they will choose the other simply because I am likely seen as a liability. “How can we put this person in front of a customer?” rings in my ears. I will keep looking though.

My bottom has become bigger and rounder and I actually have a good set of hips going on, and in combination with my 31 inch waist, I have a slim build with some nice curves now. I can’t hardly imagine now that I used to have a 34 inch waist. I have lost quite a bit of muscle mass in my arms, but the rest has not changed so much. I have an almost flat abdomen with softly defined abs. I am not sure if I just had low expectations for my physical changes, but my body looks better than I ever expected it could. I am fortunate that my metabolism, if it hasn’t changed at all, has become faster. My weight is still hovering between 155 and 160 pounds, depending where I am on my cycle.

I have been making lots of skirts and blouses to go with them. I have made five skirts and four blouses so far. I am currently working on a pink duchesse high waisted pencil skirt, the blouse is already finished but I am having trouble with motivation to finish the skirt. I really enjoy wearing the little outfits I have made for myself. I am building quite a collection of pumps. Shoe addiction is a terrible affliction on my wallet. High femme suits me just fine. If I could or had to dress in finer clothing all the time I wouldn’t have any problem with it. My feet might beg to differ, but as long as I have it, I am going to get as much mileage out my body as I can. I have waited most of my life thus far to be able to be exactly the person I am now, in body and mind. When I think back on all the things that I used to sew for myself that never fit right, my taste has not changed in clothing. My sewing skills have become almost professional level I think. I am continually improving my skills through practice. I getting a better feel for finer fabrics, some are quite difficult indeed.

Even though I haven’t been posting much at all, I have been writing all along and just saving the posts in a folder. Some of what I have been writing is meant just for me, but the mass would need to be sorted and sanitized if I were to post it retrospectively. I am not sure I have time to do it. I am hungry now so I am going to cook something.

auslaufmodell

There is some sort of strange string bean model that is sitting a few seats away facing me and a pair of giggling turkish princesses too. I am more of a woman than all of them put together. The turkish princess right in front of me looks like she is scratching her pussy with her inch long fingernails. gross! At least when I need to scratch my pussy I have enough sense to go to the bathroom.

Well I survived my surgery and all is healing as well as can be expected. I didn’t manage to totally quit smoking unfortunately. I’m a bit disappointed with myself that I wasn’t able to do it. I at least didn’t smoke at all while I was in the hospital, and I didn’t start again until several days after coming home. I have noticed that I have reduced the daily amount that I smoke relative to how much I used to smoke. I do still want to try to quit totally. I should plan it and stick with it. I feel somehow that the next time will be easier. I have to want not to smoke anymore for it to work.

I’m sitting here writing this on the ICE going to meet my love in Amsterdam for the weekend. I have a job interview tomorrow in Rotterdam. I decided to make it worth my while by traveling stressed tonight, since they wanted me to come earlier than if I traveled tomorrow. My only hope is that it turns out to be more than just a possibility, and perhaps lead to something real.

I am skeptical that I will ever find a new job because of my transsexuality. In a perfect world I would be evaluated based on my experience and expertise, and not on my gender expression. I am expecting it to take a long time until I eventually find a company that is willing to take the perceived risk to hire me. I just hope it is a job that I actually want. My main priority right now is to make sure that I continue to heal well and then the job search comes secondary. I want to move to the Netherlands to be closer to my gnun. I love her so much. I just hope I can stand the dutchies though.

I had a telephone interview for a job in Switzerland to be an onsite engineer for an American company that has partnered with a Swiss company to provide them with manufacturing capacity. The Swiss company develops and produces photovoltaic material for solar collectors. I spoke with people from their office in Plano Texas. The interview lasted for a full hour and I was able to satisfactorily answer all of their questions. I had a good feeling afterwards, but I have not heard anything from them or the headhunter that set all of it up. They even subjected me to two online psychological evaluations. Some of the questions were relatively insulting; such as “did you ever steal as a child?” and the last question on the last one was “some of my answers on this questionnaire are not 100% honest.” I think tests or evaluations like that are total bullshit, but one must endure some ridiculous things to get a job these days. The problem with this one is that the position in Switzerland will only last from 12 to 18 months, and then I would have to move to either their office in Austria or Czech Republic. Also there may be some resistance to give up information so that I would be able to perform my duties. I would be the engineering middle(wo)man between the Swiss and the Americans. They are expecting that the partnership will generate 350 to 400 million dollars worth of revenue for them. The manufacturing plant is in Singapore, which I am not so crazy about being a part of the exploitation of cheap labor. I’m not sure about this one. I will probably receive some feedback in the next couple of days.

The interview tomorrow is for a staffing firm that provides bodies for offshore, maritime, and tunnel boring companies. They are interested in me because of my international and German experience. I will be meeting with one man and one woman tomorrow at their office in rottingdam at ten a.m. I really hope that it turns out to be worth my effort to meet them when they wanted and for the amount of time they requested. I hope I am not met with disappointment like I was at a couple of other interviews in the Netherlands. I will try to put my best face forward and hope for the best and act as if I don’t need their job. In reality I don’t because I am still gainfully employed, for the moment anyway. If it comes down to a discussion about my gender, I hope it stays on a professional level. If it turns ugly I will just thank them for their time and take my leave of them. I will not let anyone disrespect me and sit there and take it.

I have been taking on much more responsibility at work these days because I agreed to be the replacement for my supervisor when he is not in the office for whatever reason. I have also temporarily taken over the responsibility for moving a project further while Helmi is sick. The schedule is quickly running away on us and I have to hit it hard on Monday when I am back in the office. I am able to deal with the stress ok so far, and thankfully I only have three more weeks and then I am off for five weeks again. I am really looking forward to enjoying myself over those weeks. I am sure that I will be ready for a break when I reach that point, if this first week back at work is any indication of how the rest will go.

I have my six week examination on this coming Monday, even though it will have been seven weeks since surgery. I am very happy with the results of my surgery, even though I was a bit disappointed at first. I think that the lack of hormones had a very serious effect on my perception of things.

neo fevina

I want to thank all of those people who have been showing me love and support during this, one of the most difficult events of my life thus far. It has been a rollercoaster of emotion. I realized in the days that I have been home the degree to which I was medicated in the hospital. I was delivered home by a good friend last friday afternoon. I took with me only the pills that were given to me in the hospital that morning. By Saturday evening the pain medication had worn off and my mood deteriorated accordingly. I finally took an ibuprofin 400 before going to bed on sunday evening which helped me sleep somewhat. The pain is mostly coming from the deep tissues and the nerves slowly reconnecting themselves with the outside world. The nerve sensation is like a hot wire the size of a hair is being pulled out of my flesh. It lasts just a few seconds but is extremely painful. The deep tissue pain is general, non specific nagging pain. Laying on the bed on my back with my legs slightly spread is my favorite position.

My beliefs in the practices that I have come to know within the last several months drove me to try to endure the recovery time without pain medication. I realized that I am not strong enough to make it through without pain medication. It is just too much to take.

closer

I find myself in the last days or hours as it may be before my genital surgery. I will be going into the hospital on Monday morning for tests and surgery preparation. The surgery will be performed early Tuesday morning. I am so happy the day has finally arrived. I am calmly excited about the surgery. I know that it will be a painful healing process that will take several weeks. I have everything I need to take care already finished and I will be resting a lot in the next couple of days. I am so thankful my girlfriend will be able to spend three weeks with me during this difficult time. I was hoping not to have to go through this alone, and thankfully I won’t have to. She is so kind and loving to make such a sacrifice for me. I am really looking forward to her being with me. We have been becoming closer than ever in the last several weeks.

I began to get ill last week while I was on a business trip to the Netherlands. I was sitting in the back of the car when I began to feel very nauseous and slightly dizzy. From that point on, all week I was feeling a bit nauseous here and there, and then on the weekend I came down with a cold. And of course I promised to have several things finished and ordered before I finished this week at work. I assume the stress didn’t help with my health matters. I went home sick on Tuesday and stayed home on Wednesday completely. I felt better yesterday, but I think it might not have been such a good idea to go to sword and aikido practice last night. I got a lot out of the practices, but I think I should have saved my energy to get well. I was able to get things at work to the point where I could leave at a decent time today thanks to the help I received from my colleagues. I was wondering if the nausea I was and still partially experiencing is from my dying or dead testicles. The other thought I had was that I may be having problems with candida yeast again. The symptoms seem a bit too similar to those problems that I had last year around this time. I cannot be sure what it is, so I am just going to try to get as much rest as possible in the next couple of days, in hopes of being reasonably well for surgery.

I have been feeling very feminine in the past couple of months. I suspect it may have to do with surgery coming, or maybe it is the backlash from me altering my beauty regimen in response to the complaints of my girlfriend. I had stopped wearing makeup every day, and I was not dressing nice like I had last winter. I think this time has helped me to temper further the amount of time I spend on how I look. I have begun to wear makeup only on special occasions and when I will be meeting with customers. There is a woman that works at a company on the same campus as me, and I would see her usually at lunch in the cafeteria. I would get secretly very jealous of how she presented herself and became disappointed that I had let myself and my wardrobe go. I couldn’t even dress nice like that if I wanted to simply because I don’t have any clothes like that. She is almost always wearing a skirt with a nice blouse and pumps, very classic and almost exactly how I want to dress.

When I first came out at work I was dressed always relatively nice, wearing either things I had made myself or store bought. I became inspired by seeing that girl, and now I have a whole new wardrobe planned to make while I am recovering from surgery. I have prepared a few pencil skirt patterns, in the latest high waist style and also bought some nice flannels to make them out of. I also am planning on making blouses out of satin, crepe de chine and cotton shirting. I have also had relatively good luck with finding several pairs of pumps in my size in different styles and colors. This season my shoe of choice is clarks. Over the past couple of months I have been trying on many pairs of shoes to get a feel for how they should fit. I learned a very important lesson when I visited a customer earlier this month about the correct fit of pumps. I noticed through all of this that my left foot is a half size smaller that my right. Noticing this difference has been a big help in determining the correct fit. The problem I encountered at the customer was that I was walking out of the right shoe, and then as soon as I corrected that with the insoles I brought with me, I began to walk out of the left one as well. That was a very embarrassing and not to mention painful experience I do not intend to repeat.

I figured out that the right shoe should fit relatively snugly in the toe box and at the heel. The left shoe I can add a half insole to help that foot fit better. I had thought at first that having plenty of room was a good thing and that trying them on in the evening after work made sense. I know now that neither are totally correct. I guess if the shoe will only be worn at night then that would hold true, but I also realized that I will be wearing the shoes mostly for work and that means wearing them starting in the morning when my foot is at its smallest. I also realized that if the shoe is loose in the morning, the problems caused by rubbing or walking out of them will cause my feet to swell and tire quickly, only exacerbating the problems. Heels are not really made to be comfortable, so I have come to the conclusion that if I want to wear them, I will have to deal with a bit of pain. Minimizing the pain, or limiting it to my feet being tired, instead of pain from chafing, blisters, and birds eyes is a decent tradeoff. Trying on shoes only in the evening is not the complete solution as most would have you believe. I have also determined my maximum heel height, 70 mm. Over 70 mm I cannot walk correctly. I am tall enough already anyway. I have been training myself to walk in heels at night by putting them on and wearing them around the apartment for a few hours at a time.

I have mentioned many times here that I had a definite vision of myself as a woman and I really feel the need to live that vision, because I am able to if I just work at it sensibly. The skirts and blouses that I am planning on making during my recovery are somewhat simple to construct, and energy permitting I could make one each per day. I will be in hospital for two weeks after surgery, and then four weeks at home. I assume that after the first week at home I will be able to sit for a reasonable amount of time at my sewing machine. I will obviously have to see how it goes, and try not to push it if it doesn’t work. I am happy that I have the creative energy to sew once again. Most of what I have picked to make are timeless pieces that will hopefully bridge seasons. I am also very happy that my body has changed to the point where I don’t really have to do much pattern alterations to end up with a good fit. I actually have a discernable waist, hips and ass. The slimming of my waist has helped my hips and butt become shapelier, although both could be a tad bit larger. There is enough o work with though. I have selected styles that will further accentuate my barely there curves. Smart accessories like the perfect belt help too. I caved in and bought a pair of burgundy red pumps which seems to be popular color for this fall-winter season. They are of a classic style, so I am not so worried about not being able to wear them after this season. I wanted to buy a brown pair of pumps, but I had no luck. I guess the burgundy red is the new brown for this season, or at least which is what I have been telling myself to ease the guilt. On the other hand, I haven’t spent any money on clothes or shoes in almost a year. I can afford to let myself indulge a bit, and besides, I have been buying staple items or investments in my presentation.

I like dressing up in nicer clothes, and it also makes me feel good about myself. The confidence I feel when I am all put together is amazing. I suppose part of it is satisfying my ego, which I have been slowly letting go of through practicing aikido.

vaschun

I wanted to show off my new duds...

cut 5Q

A lot of things seem to be coming together at the moment, and they are all positive. I achieved my 5^th Kyu Aikikai today. The Sensei had three comments; I messed up the entrance to shomen uchi Ikkyo, I didn’t put my feet up on my toes for nikkyo, and the most famous one: my posture needs work. The posture comment was to be expected. I was reluctant to take the test, but eventually after so many people asking me if I was going to test, I gave in to the pressure. Our Sensei asked me twice, and I assumed after the second time she would keep asking until I said yes, out of respect I decided to do it. I am glad in a way that I did it, because I learned a lot of the aikido language. I wish that I could get more spiritually from it other than what I bring myself to where I practice daily. I get the spiritual learning from the outlaw school that I participate in now and again. I feel very good about myself and feel like I am on the road to harmony with myself. I can feel it happening and it feels amazingly calming.

On to the next topic, on my birthday I received the letter from my health insurance regarding the approval of the coverage of my sexual reassignment surgery. I just have to write a short letter and send a copy of the document to the surgeon to obtain an appointment. When I last spoke with the doc, he told me the waiting time is between four to six months. It may happen still this year that I finally get fixed. I almost did a total flip out when I opened the letter. I was hoping the answer would come before my birthday, and it is extra nice that it came when it did. The health insurance also decided to reimburse me for the cost of the psych evaluation. That money is my very thin safety net. I also got my vacation payment from work this month, so things are looking up again financially.

I found the letter in my mailbox as the aquanun and I returned to my place from France. She treated me to an aikido seminar in Paris for my birthday. My sweet kR0K. I rented a car from the motor pool at work and we drove there on Friday during the day so that we could start the seminar on time. We had a very romantic drive through the French countryside through the champagne region. We arrived around three and went to find the hotel. The hotel was no great shakes, but we only really needed a place to sleep since we would be busy with aikido the whole time. I wish that we could have done some touristy things, but in the end there was no time. My legs were toast by Saturday night, and I still had Sunday to make it through. I made it though, luckily.

more to com….

blocked like

I’m feeling a bit discouraged tonight. My aikido practice earlier was totally off. I was the only woman there, except for the instructor, not that it makes a difference. I have been letting myself get frustrated at work over the past two days. I practiced with the Jo last night with Günter instructing, and that went relatively well considering it was only the second time I had one in my hand. Reflecting on tonight, I didn’t really feel any energy in the dojo, like there usually is. Strange how it all felt a bit different tonight. I have practiced with small groups before, and have much preferred them over larger groups. I am tending to think it is just me trying to come up with reasons for having a not so optimal practice. It could be that I may be pushing myself too much. I have been in the dojo every night since last Friday, today being Wednesday. I wanted to practice with the sword with Anita sensei tomorrow night, but I will wait to see how I feel.

I can feel my body changing, toughening up somewhat. The muscle and joint pain lasted for days in the beginning, but now it lasts a couple of hours. The pain that I feel is largely self inflicted by either not rolling or falling properly. I can slowly feel myself becoming better at it, but like tonight the position that I am supposed to roll forward out of was very difficult. It was mostly because I was limited to one hand only, which is very difficult for me at my confidence level. Kim did some sort of forward flip without making contact with the tatami, only when she landed. I was in awe. They make it look so easy. They all wear hakama so it figures they have it down after practicing for years longer than me. The way I feel about it all is that I am almost positive I will continue to practice for many years to come, perhaps the rest of my life. I am trying to train without a specific goal except for improvement of self maybe. I guess I really want to become very good at it of course, and I have to remember all those wearing hakama started right where I am today, at the beginning.

le tigre & bianco

I miss my bebe really bad. It seems almost surreal that I was in Milan just a couple of hours ago. I have just returned from a weekend in Milan for an Aikido seminar. I hope she is either laying down reading a book at Anna’s, or out having a good time with the Milanese from the dojo. in any case, I hope she is enjoying herself. I have a nice feeling she is. I left her rather quickly at linate aeroporto. We had been relaxing on the futon at Anna’s and ended up getting a really late start for the airport with public trans. Trans. We took a tram to the east of center, and then a 73 bus in the direction of the airport. We were worried that I was going to be too late for my flight, so we got off the bus to try to catch a taxi. Seems it is really difficult to just catch a taxi in Milan, it is usually more effective to call one ahead there. Allora, we decided to get on the next bus to the airport. I was almost sure at that point that I would not make it, but was trying to remain positive and relaxed. I ran ahead to try to find the check in counter, one wrong one, and then the right one, all running in one and a half inch heels. I got checked in and my bag too, and then we said our ciao amore’s quickly as I headed for the security. I blew her a kiss as I went out of sight into the security line. I ran to the gate and ended up having to wait to get on the bus to go to the plane. It was a quick flight and I caught the public trans just right so I didn’t have to wait to get home.

I wrote Thomas an sms to ask him to tell the aquanun that I made my flight and am home safely. I apologized for forgetting to say tot ziens to him and bas. He replied that he would tell the kroc my message and that several of the women from the dojo send their love. What a bunch of tough women he is hanging out with. I like Thomas; he has really nice energy and is a lot of fun to be around. I met a lot of new people from the Tsuda school from France and Italy. The women outnumbered the guys by a few. I had met three of the women from Milan in February at the workshop in Amsterdam. One of them, Elena, I felt that I connected with because she helped me a lot in the first weekend in hamsterdam. The Krok told a few of them that I was coming and they were surprised to hear I had been practicing since I began six weeks ago, but were scared for me when they learned I have been practicing at an Aikikai federation dojo. Federation schools are focused on the martial art aspect of aikido and are relatively hardcore.

I wish I could live and practice in Milan or Japan, either would be a dream come true. I like how the Tsuda school has retained the spiritual part of aikido, whereas it has become sort of like a life philosophy to me. I would like to try to do the respiratory practice every morning before work; I think I would feel more prepared for the day. Respiratory practice oversimplified is a stretching routine fused with coordinated respiration. I won’t get into what it all means, one has to experience it personally to understand it in depth. Or at least to understand enough to become interested to want to learn more. I felt really warmly welcomed by the Milanese and the entire weekend was an incredible experience I wont ever forget. I felt like I was with family almost immediately. The experiences of the weekend together were very deep in the dojo. Katsugen Undo this morning was amazing. I feel I am on a real high from it. I can’t wait to practice with them again soon.

I’m glad that I decided to volunteer to cook a dish for lunch after the workshop, since I ducked out feeling distraught over nothing the first time. We made a 500g pot of Daal. It was just enough I think, the pan was finished and several people complemented me on it. I am glad that everyone liked it.

My body feels relatively fine after practicing aikido and katsugen undo four times over three days. I feel full of energy and yet very relaxed and serene. Bed is calling so this wannabe samurai is going to heed it. ciao! a dopo!

aikicherrini

Life has been rather hectic lately for lidl cherrini. I have been trying to work more hours, and to accomplish that I have been getting up earlier. I’m also trying to help myself to be able to get up early by going to bed somewhat earlier. It doesn’t always happen, but I am working on it. I have been practicing aikido in the evening on Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Practicing aikido is sometimes a good workout; sometimes it is not so heavy. I have also been working on getting my taxes done for calendar year 2006, and then after I will get the 2007 taxes done. That is just the German taxes, though. I still have to get my taxes done for 2005, 2006 and 2007 for the states. My company supports the tax preparer fees, but it is not enough to cover all the costs. I have been also slowly working on my bike to try to get it back into shape. I bought and mounted a new light generator, and yesterday I fixed the right pedal crank pin. Now my pedal cranks are 180 degrees apart again. I still need to grease the chain and pump up the tires. I have also been working with my therapist and psychiatrist to get my psychological evaluation together for submittal to my health insurance.

I received the psychological evaluation on Friday the 14^th along with a bill for 750 euro. Then yesterday I received another bill from the psychiatrist for 1180 euro. I’m hoping my health insurance will reimburse me for the bills. If not I will be hosed for a couple of months financially. I also paid for translations that cost me 450 euro. I could have bought a used car for that money. oh well. Instead of getting depressed about my finances, I am trying to look at it as a positive that the document is finally finished and in my hands. I will deal with my health insurance tomorrow, and I hope it will go well. I should not be financially so stressed, but I guess the xmas holiday spending is taking its toll finally. After the first of the year all of my insurance and contracts renew, and with that comes the yearly fee. I had always chosen to pay it all at once just to have it out of the way and to not have to think about it anymore. January is always an expensive month.

The practice of aikido is very slowly getting my body into shape. After each practice, the strains and joint pain are becoming less and less. I got up early this morning and spoke with my Kr0k and then I went to the dojo. There was a group of people that were sitting in the lobby of the dojo drinking coffee and chatting. I assume that was the theater group Anita sensei spoke of. I had written a list of warm-up exercises to practice with little stick figures as reminders of how the movement is done. I started by expressing my gratitude to the shrine in the dojo. The first exercise was to run around the tatami three times. Then I went to the sunny end of the tatami and practiced a lot of stretches. I don’t feel that we warm up sufficiently at the regular practice sessions that I go to, and there isn’t any time between the classes to do it. I guess I could try to do it before at home, but I don’t always have time for anything other than grabbing my gi and running out the door.

I have not been practicing katsugen undo much in the past week. The aquanun was here last Sunday thru Thursday. We were able to practice aikido together and then afterwards we did katsugen undo together. I was able to clear my mind so much easier with her there. I sometimes have trouble keeping my mind focused on nothingness and feeling everything when I am alone doing k-u. I practiced some movements that we did in the last week, and then I practiced rolling. I can roll much better forwards than I can backwards. The rolls are simply the reverse of the other, but the body inertia is different somehow. I would have thought the forwards rolls would be difficult because of having to use your arm to direct the line of contact with the tatami. I worked out the line up to the point of my shoulder, but I fall apart after that point.

I will have to ask Anita sensei if she can show me a technique to practice for the backwards roll follow through. I am glad I went to the dojo today. I was alone and able to do the movements at my own pace. I practiced katsugen undo also afterwards. I can’t wait for the next opportunity to go to visit my company’s headquarters in Kyoto. It would make me feel really nice to be able to work as well as practice aikido there. I used to not like the hierarchy and structure of the Japanese working culture, but through practicing aikido my perception of it is not so oppressive anymore. I can somehow understand them a bit better now. I was hoping that I would maybe see some of the Japanese that work here at the dojo, but it is mostly all Germans. There has to be some people at the headquarters that practice. I found a dojo online in Kyoto somewhere, g-earth couldn’t find it though. It is a goal of mine to practice aikido somewhere in Japan in the future. I have been having an obsessive fantasy about getting a position at the headquarters just so I can practice aikido in Japan.

I guess I should not expect to become a samurai overnight. Such things just take time and perseverance. If for nothing else, I am able to go somewhere after working all day where I can shut out everything else and practice movements that make me feel good. I feel more balanced because of it. I feel more peaceful and calm in everyday situations, and therefore the stress doesn’t really get to me as it had in the past.

I wanna bake biscotti today and perhaps also get some sewing going too.

frankreich

I’m on the ICE on the trip back from hamsterdam again. This weekend went by way to fast. I arrived on Friday night at 23.40 and then tracked the KR0c back to her lair and she made some cherrini bait. Cherrini didn’t go for the bait at first, but in the end, her hunger would not go unsatisfied. We finally fell asleep at about 3.30 am. I slept until noon and awoke to find the aquanun slipped away while I slumbered. She had to work, so I found out later when she came back home for a late breakfast. I had an egg with fried cauliflower and saatenbrot toast with almond butter. The kR0C had eggs with some green stuff fried beside it. I’m not sure what to make of her eating habits sometimes.

The nUN0I went back to work and I got showered and put on makeup. I burned the skin around and under my brows. I colored them on Friday morning before work and I think I put either too much developer drops or the skin was too clean. I think that it is recommended to color them in the morning after not washing the skin, so that the natural oils and moisturizers act to protect the skin from irritation. My brow area over both eyes is red and at times really itchy. I have never had this problem before, and it is really bad. I’ll have to be much more careful next time. Just writing about it is making me itch. I finished getting ready and went to do some shopping on the walk to meet the nUnO1 at work. I stopped for a quick coffee and then bought some purple animomi flowers at the bloemenmarkt, and then I went to Lush to get more soak and float shampoo to help with my scalp problems.

I arrived at paradise and the kRoC let me in to wait for her to be finished setting up the vj. We left to go to the vrankrijk to meet anus to set up the beamer and everything for later after the bands were finished. She was invited to vj with the dj after the bands were finished. As we were enjoying a bier and salted almonds, one of the organizers said to me, “so aquanun told me that you wanted to help out tonight?” I said, yeah sure, of course. My fiancé had volunteered me to work without telling me, and I had to find it out from the organizer even. No worries, I didn’t mind, she had to go back to work for a couple of hours anyway. We left and went back home to have some dinner. We both went back to the place and then separated. I was asked to collect glasses for the bar. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first because people were not so easy with letting me through the crowd to get the empties. I eventually got into it and everything went fine. Once the crowd saw what I was doing, they began to let me through easily and also put their empties on the stack. I’m proud of myself since I didn’t break any. I met a great number of the people in the KrOc’s circle of friends. It seemed everyone was having a nice night. I was too. I met lots of people that said they heard of me, but I hadn’t heard of them. She knows so many people. One woman introduced herself to me, and although she looked very familiar, I for sure hadn’t met her before. This morning I found that she was an identical twin of one of the organizers. That kinda tripped me out a bit.

This trip and the last one were both relatively hectic, with the aikido workshop last time and the vrankrijk party this time. The party last night was a benefit for Ladyfest in Rotterdam in the summer. There were four bands and el bandita and her girlfriend spinning in between bands. It was nice to be amongst a lot of feminist women and some were queer too I’m sure. I had to become like a cat to maneuver between all the people in the crowd whilst carrying lots of very breakable glass. I had fun and told the kRoc that it is ok to volunteer me to do stuff there if there is another occasion that I will be in town for.

We have such wonderful lovemaking together and are so into each other. I feel as though I am finally getting my life together, or maybe that things are just fitting better now? It makes me feel good woteva it is. With the aikido practice and katsugen undo together I am able to accomplish both physical and mental conditioning. Both combined have given me a new feeling of vitality and energy. I feel as though that the time was exactly right to begin practicing them both. I am also trying to make an effort to organize all my belongings in my apartment. I began sorting my clothes, and when I am through with that I will work on organizing my shoes. I have bought countless pairs of relatively expensive and good quality shoes that didn’t end up fitting right. I am contemplating selling them on ebay, to at least try to get some of the money that I spent on them back somehow. After the shoes, then I want to tackle my sewing supplies and fabrics. I am planning on making an inventory list in excel so that I can actually know what I have without searching through everything to find what I need. I will also have to contemplate what to do about renovating my apartment in anticipation of eventually moving out. I want to do what I can when I can to prevent having to do everything all at once, not to mention the money outlay.

I feel better now than I have felt for a very long time. I just don’t know how I will get everything done. It seems as though I have very little time to just sit around and do nothing. Work also promises to become a lot more demanding in the next bit of time. I am finishing the first project for vw and the next one has already started. The climate at work is rather bad at the moment, but I am remarkably better able to deal with it and not let it get me down so much as it has in the past. I did notice last week that after standing in between two people arguing and yelling at each other, I couldn’t help but absorb some of their negative energy. I tried to cleanse myself of it after lunch so that it didn’t ruin the rest of my day, but I guess I wasn’t strong enough to be able to do it yet. I felt not so nice that evening, and I should have practiced K-U but I had to work on organizing my paperwork for preparing my taxes. The next day I felt better again, except for learning that others had decided that I should go to Kassel the next day. Management by surprise is the best, trust me, it really keeps one on their toes. I feel much clearer mentally, which is a nice feeling to have. I am trying to use my positive energy to find balance within my life, and between my body and mind.

I am going to attempt to get into bed at a decent time tonight, as I must wash my hair in the morning and vw is supposed to be coming for the entire day to see the machine that I designed for them. The assembly went off without any major problems, and they were able to run it without problem up to 5000 revolutions per minute when I left on friday to go home. I hope they were able to get the rest of the program to run over the weekend. The machine is designed to be run at a maximum speed of 8000 rpm. I will be interested to find out how things went tomorrow. I hope everything stayed together. I am proud of myself that the machine was able to be run at relatively high speed immediately after being final assembled. I feel as though I met the challenge that I was presented with, and the challenge was not only the design itself, but also the negative milieu that I was forced to design it in. I am a strong woman, and I am finally beginning to realize it.

kasselerbraten

I am on my way to VW Kassel again. I was told yesterday late morning that I won another trip to the chaos of the machine installation site. I have had so much to do lately both at work and privately. I am in the final stages of the process of submitting my request for coverage of the costs for surgery. I have had the chance to read the psychological evaluation in all its gory detail, and make comments and request revisions. I am thankful to have that opportunity. I also will be beginning aikido training tonight at the dojo around the corner from me. I have also been trying to get my bike back in order. I bought a low resistance generator so that I will have lights that work again. I am baking biscotti twice a week with lots of almonds and chocolate chips and with rice syrup instead of refined sugar.

Today went fairly well, I have made all my trains and they were on time as well. At VW all went good as well. I unloaded all the many kilos of screws that I smuggled in my bag to the guys installing my machines. We were a bit late to go to lunch so all that was left in the cafeteria to eat was a shitty salami pizza with way too much bell pepper on it. I hate bell pepper. Everyone was nice to me and in a good mood too. I will have to go back there next week to discuss the next project. The next project is a copy of what they are installing now. I got a nice bonus today, I found some missing special screws that we need badly for the machine that we are trying to assemble. Somehow they were shipped to site and were just lying around the test cell. We were discussing something else when the box caught my eye. There are still two other sets of screws that are missing so we just ordered more. So far it was a goed day.

I received my keikogi, japanese for training suit, yesterday night and I decided to take a chance and wash it. It seemed at first a bit large, but after doing some research online for tips from women on how to deal with the keikogi bagginess, I found a trick to get rid of some of the bulk. I am excited because tonight is the first beginner training session in which I will participate. Christiane is going to come with me hopefully. I spoke with her last night about it and she will meet me a half hour before so we can go there together. I am so glad that the aquanun asked me to go to the workshop in hamsterdam. I did some reading online that Itsuo Tsuda wrote. I found it interesting that he stated that one should not push others to do the respiratory practice, but to rather wait until one is ready to return to more of a natural existence and to seek knowledge of oneself. Then the respiratory practice will have the intended effect on the mind and body. I feel like I am exactly at that point. Since I have met the nuN01 I have been living somewhat healthier, and I have also out of frustration with my doctors decided to take my own health into my hands and to treat myself naturally. I am glad I did. The results make me feel really nice. The practice of katsugen undo and aikido are a nice complement to my new state of being. I am really looking forward to starting aikido tonight. I think I will do it three times a week if possible. I have already noticed a difference.

survival kit

I survived yet another electrolysis session. She was rushing to get me finished because she didn’t plan enough time to be thorough. And as a consequence caused me more pain than normal. I also wanted to do my chest and around my areola but she told me she wouldn’t have time. It stung a bit when I thought about the last week walking around with relatively long hair, although scarce, but still noticeable at close proximity, between my breasts. I made sure to tell her to plan enough time next treatment to do my other areas.

I went to an aikido workshop last weekend in hamsterdam. The program was basically aikido for 1.5 hours, a 20 minute break, and then katsugen undo for 1.5 hours. The aikido was difficult on my body, especially my feet and knees. I was not used to having to sit in a kneeling position so therefore the skin on the tops of my feet and knees were raw and the muscles and tendons stretched too far. The katsugen undo was the main reason I went to the workshop. I made it through all of it without missing anything, so I have a nice sense of accomplishment. I should since it all brought me close to death and I survived it.

I was warned to be cautious with the katsugen undo because it has the potential to work against my transition. I did four sessions over the weekend and also in the past two nights here in my living room. I’m not totally sure if what I am feeling is from the katsugen undo already, but I seem to have a new approach to stressful situations. I have had three separate instances this week where someone called me totally stressed out and started to lay some shit on me. I was able somehow to shield myself from their projection. I was able to stay calm and cooperative and reassuring that we are doing the best we can and that it will work out. I don’t seriously think it will all work out, but I try to be positive anyway. I am able to accept things better, and to therefore not get stressed about things I cannot influence. I feel more of a sense of calm and peacefulness, and clarity that is scaring me.

for the first couple of days after the workshop I was wondering if I would continue the aikido. The katsugen undo I will continue for sure, as long as I don’t notice any problems. I decided yesterday that I would continue with the aikido, and tonight I realized why. aikido and katsugen undo seem to belong together somehow. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be part of a system that has masters one must answer to. I like to look at it as a teacher-student relationship, and not necessarily as an authority or dominate-submissive relationship. The focus was on feeling rather than thinking. Between my new found good health and now katsugen undo too, I feel so good and have so much energy.

There are lots of things I need to get accomplished so I am not going to have much free time or the next foreseeable future. I am thinking I might try to go to aikido three times a week and do katsugen undo when I have time in the evening or morning. I ordered a training kimono online yesterday from a place in Ffm. christi told me that she wanted to try aikido the last time I saw her. I want to get in touch with her this weekend to tell her my plans and to see if she still wants to do it. Even if she decides not to do it, I will continue. I am thankful for my girlfriend, that she has shown me the way. Grazie amore mio dolce.

I would like to write more but I have to cook dinner, eat, write two emails, and finish writing a script for the product line manager on the dual clutch machine I designed for vw. He will be reading my text in a video tomorrow with the machine that he knows nothing about. I guess he doesn’t have to when he has lackeys around like me. The original due date on the writing wasn’t until first week in march, then it was the 27^th, and this morning it became today. I started writing it at about noon and had to leave at four thirty with three quarters of a page. I need to write about the test procedures that the customer plans to perform with the machine. I should be really stressed but I am not, and that feels nice.

don’t let me forget to write about the ambulance mafia experience. ciao!

autostadt

I am on a train to wolfsburg to visit VW with Fredi and Thilo. The last train we were on had a wifi hotspot. It didn’t work so well though and is really expensive. I think I will check into whether or not my internet service at home has the option to log on to the hotspots, because it is the same provider. I have the feeling it would end up being expensive and not very good quality. I want to check into I though just to see.

This is going to be a long day. I got up at 5.15 am and was at the bahnhof at 7.15 am, our train departed at 7.23 am. We will arrive in wolfsburg at 10.15 am, then we will be at VW werk for lunch and meetings and then our train home departs at 16.55. We will be back in darmstadt at 20.30. I hope we will make our train to go home on time. Fredi is always animated and very talkative, I am used to it, I just hope the rest today can hang.

I brought my laptop so that I could write while I have the idle time on the train. I also read through my psych evaluation this morning. I will have to read it a couple more times before I can really comprehend it. I understood what everything was that they wrote, but the general theme I need to understand better. It seems as though they may have sort of tailored my answers into a prescribed model of a classic genuine transsexual. There are lots of inaccuracies that I will have to correct. My sexual history at first seemed incorrect, but now that I have read the rest, I think their focus on my contextual homosexuality was just setting up a premise for their later conclusions. I will probably correct the factual mistakes and then try to discuss with them if there is a strategy to their formulation of the document. I can say that the results and conclusions and recommendations are all positive and hopefully will be enough to get me approved for the insurance to pay for my surgery.

I was just standing outside the wolfsburg bahnhof smoking and there was a blonde girl there also smoking. She reminded me of sophia with her platinum hair and the color of her skin. I was reminded of how envious of the girls that I dated I was. I liked being with them and found it comforting, but I always harbored jealousy or envy that they were born female and I wasn’t. I loved it when they dressed up nice to go out somewhere, but that was when my jealousy would peak. I wanted so badly to be able to put on that stereotypical little black dress with nice stockings and heels and to look and feel elegant. I wanted to be the arm candy.

Even though it is sometimes difficult to come to terms with my gender transition, I am very glad that I finally decided to get off my dead ass and to do something constructive about it. Now I am the arm candy like I always wanted to be. The way I feel now goes beyond the mere cliché of arm candy though. When I dress up wearing a dress and stockings, rarely heels, I feel so nice and sexy and elegant. I enjoy the feeling that I get when I feel like I am all put together. The feeling is sort of confirmation for me that I am a female in spirit, and now also in body as well, or real close anyway.

It’s difficult to explain the way living as a female makes me feel. I have for most of my life secretly envied other females for simply being female. I wanted to be female so badly, it was just about killing me inside. In retrospect, I wonder why I didn’t act on the desire sooner. I knew it for years that I was a transsexual. Perhaps fear was the stifling factor. It seems ridiculous to me now that I somehow tried to live with such feelings, even knowing full well that they were not ever going to go away. I have the feeling that I have already covered this ground perhaps many times in the past on this blog. But a coherent description or explanation of my exact feelings eludes me. It has always been difficult for me to put into words how I feel, but I definitely think trying helps a lot.

I took way too much time away from my writing; it has become very obvious to me. I miss the dialog that I have with myself and how it helps me to understand what goes on in my life and the world around me. I will try to keep this going at the frequency that I used to blog in the beginning. It is also an incentive that my nUN01 thoroughly enjoys reading my writing. So I will try to keep on track.

The visit at vw went well, we actually got out of there earlier than planned, an extra bonus. I got to see the machines that I designed that are in the process of being installed. They look nice and clean and new. After a week of running tests they will turn all grey after being covered with a fine fog of transmission oil and dust. I was warned today that I will probably have to go to kassel again to visit vw there, where the other test machines are being installed. They want to change the design of the cable canals that are already installed. A bit late I think. They will have to pay for that one for sure. I have developed and aversion to visiting the customers in kassel. One of them did send an email with praise for me that I listen to them and I am flexible and oriented on their needs. To me customer satisfaction and their trust in my abilities are my main objectives in designing my machines.

I need to make some more jeans. I want to design some nice cropped pairs and also some flared and some with cargo pockets. I like all the skirts that I have made recently, but I also want to make a pencil skirt. I think that would make me feel extra sexy. I am sick of having to wear the control shorts that I use to bind my genitals. I only need to wear it when I wear a skirt because it flattens the area of where a bulge could show. It’s very restrictive and to look at me when I am wearing it, it looks and feels as though I don’t have any external genitalia. I tuck my oversized clit (penis) and labia (scrotum) between my legs and the testes go into little pockets above my penis. All very neat and tidy. Just like the transmen burn their breast binders after having their breasts removed, I will burn my control shorts after I have surgery. I can’t wait for that day to come, and it should come soon.

man am I in love…

osnamsterdamned

I am on an ICE on my way to dortmund where I will change trains and ride on to osnabruck to meet NuN01, I hope. I hope that she will have no problem with her van on her way to get me. We really haven’t driven the van since we went to berlin in the beginning of oktober. We had some problems with the headlights not working so well. In fact it was burning up fuses, or melting them at least. I ended up driving most of the way back to amsterdam while giuliana slept. We had a nice time that trip except that we were fighting for part of it and I got sick. It is not so easy between us, even now. We try not to make things complicated, but I think whereas I still have a penis makes a difference somehow. It just gets in the way. It makes me feel really good that we communicate well, and sometimes argue, but when all is said and done we still love each other very much. We are working on solutions to our differences which I find also very positive. positivissimo.

This was sort of an unplanned trip today. Sort of a spur of the moment type thing. I wanted to invite helmut and christiane and marion to dinner tonight originally. But I decided I would spend time and money to be with my kroc. I instead invited helmut and christiane over to my place last night for dinner. Marion is since two weeks back in french guyana on a business trip. I decided to make a red aubergine sauce with whole wheat pasta and fenchel salad with olive oil. I was a bit out of it to begin with the cooking. I made a big mess with frying the aubergines as usual. I didn’t make nearly enough to make a really good sauce. The sauce was so-so, but I finally broke out my wine carafe with the wide bottom that maximizes the surface area of the wine to maximize the aeration. It worked very well.

After dinner I served espresso and helmut and christiane had a small glass of ouzo and I had a shot of grappa. I broke out my old stainless steel bialetti that I haven’t used in a few years. It worked fine. We sat around the table drinking coffee and smoking and bullshitting about capitalism and how it has destroyed germany since the wall came down. After we finished with the coffee, helmut opened the second bottle of wine. The first bottle was finished with dinner; a nice bottle of rijoha from the region of crianza 2003 was the vintage. The second bottle was a bottle of merlot from ernest and julio gallo also 2003 vintage which I received as a birthday gift from the jerk walter that gave me so much trouble a year and a half ago. I swore the next day after he gave it to me that I would crack it open the day that he was to leave us for good. He sort of just disappeared one day and no one really even noticed he was not there. I was a bit skeptical as I usually am with american wines, but after it breathed a bit it tasted just fine. it wasn’t as good as the rijoha, but it was nice just the same.

Last night was the first time in two and a half years that I have been living in my apartment that christiane has come by. I guess I never invited her for whateva reason. Perhaps I was a bit put off by marion telling me that I made a mistake deciding to rent the place that I did. marion hadn’t been there since the first time she came to see the place. I have been going over their place usually for dinner every once in a while. I was happy to have them over and to entertain. It was a very nice time. We killed the second bottle of wine at 12.30 and they left me at 1.00 to go home.