insecurity
What is security? That is what I have been thinking about lately. I have also been thinking about my boundaries. About what is really important, and what is really bullshit. I spend so much of my life working to “secure my future” that I don’t have any time to enjoy my present. I think that if I keep going this way there will be no future to be secure in for me. Because I will die before, or like my dad, mere months after I retire. Won’t even be able to enjoy what I slaved for years to secure. It is completely absurd.
I feel like I am a prisoner of my own jail. I have made it to a window blackened with dirt, and was able to clean part of it enough to sneak a glimpse at the people who are relatively free. Free-er than me in any case. i am getting more and more bitter about how I treat myself. I am so psychologically fucked up that I put my job before my health. That is wrong and I am ashamed that I can admit that. It is time to make some changes in my life.
The changes have already begun. If I can imagine a different way of living, I can also achieve it. I know this. I have proved to myself that if I want something enough to do for myself, I can make it happen. I must get a new job. That is a major step, and a very necessary one. My first priority has been to have surgery as soon as possible. I have wasted almost a year to obtain only the paperwork to apply for it. I had even considered staying in my current job until surgery which is frighteningly desperate. I am almost certain that I would probably hurt myself somehow before surgery day comes. Either by working myself until burnout or getting so depressed and doing a concrete high dive.
It is difficult for me to break free of my chains. It will be a slow process, but I am getting a better idea of where I want to be. Right now I am approximately happy 10% of the time and angry, depressed, sick, or all of the above 90% of the time. That has to change. I would like to get to happy at least 50% of the time. Relatively speaking that is a dream at this point. I will be working on it. I want to know what it feels like to “sit on the couch”.
The time has never been better for me to change jobs. There is a big shortage of engineers in Europe at the moment. It is a seller’s market right now. I already have one invitation for an interview in the Netherlands. The company doesn’t totally interest me, but what have I got to lose? Nothing to lose but everything to gain. I also have another interesting lead to follow, that seems like a really good opportunity. I shall see.
There is still hope.
I feel like I am a prisoner of my own jail. I have made it to a window blackened with dirt, and was able to clean part of it enough to sneak a glimpse at the people who are relatively free. Free-er than me in any case. i am getting more and more bitter about how I treat myself. I am so psychologically fucked up that I put my job before my health. That is wrong and I am ashamed that I can admit that. It is time to make some changes in my life.
The changes have already begun. If I can imagine a different way of living, I can also achieve it. I know this. I have proved to myself that if I want something enough to do for myself, I can make it happen. I must get a new job. That is a major step, and a very necessary one. My first priority has been to have surgery as soon as possible. I have wasted almost a year to obtain only the paperwork to apply for it. I had even considered staying in my current job until surgery which is frighteningly desperate. I am almost certain that I would probably hurt myself somehow before surgery day comes. Either by working myself until burnout or getting so depressed and doing a concrete high dive.
It is difficult for me to break free of my chains. It will be a slow process, but I am getting a better idea of where I want to be. Right now I am approximately happy 10% of the time and angry, depressed, sick, or all of the above 90% of the time. That has to change. I would like to get to happy at least 50% of the time. Relatively speaking that is a dream at this point. I will be working on it. I want to know what it feels like to “sit on the couch”.
The time has never been better for me to change jobs. There is a big shortage of engineers in Europe at the moment. It is a seller’s market right now. I already have one invitation for an interview in the Netherlands. The company doesn’t totally interest me, but what have I got to lose? Nothing to lose but everything to gain. I also have another interesting lead to follow, that seems like a really good opportunity. I shall see.
There is still hope.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 1:21 AM
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