evaluation obscura

I went to Ffm today to meet with my therapist to submit the paperwork that I had to collect. I had a letter from my endocrinologist, urologist, physician, self assessment, and the letter I sent to my extended family. I had to have the self assessment and the family letter translated into german by a woman in vienna. german always reads a bit cold to me, no matter how well it is written. She did a good job, but it is costing me a lot. I probably should have got a second opinion on the cost. Oh well, what’s done is done. I will know better next time. Both versions will be submitted.

He handed me a copy of the report to read and give feedback on. I had to refresh his memory about the amount of time it could take until I have srs from the point the evaluation is submitted. The timing of course depends on a positive judgment by the MDK. 12 months worst case. He seemed a bit too convinced that I will get approval, he started telling me how often I should visit with a shrink after surgery as if it was already in the bag. I just want the paperwork to be submitted already. The time that it will take to get a yay or a nay from the MDK is also stressful waiting time. I should start to prepare myself for a possible negative answer. I’m not quite sure what plan b looks like yet, but I had better come up with something.

We started discussing why I have been down in the dumps lately. I tried to explain to him that I feel like parts of my life are in a static state. I told him I became depressed after I returned to work after vacation. Being hit with the raging chaos at work, further delays by him, winter grayness, and relationship ripples were on my mind. I tried again to make him understand that my mobility is greatly limited if I want to continue with the health insurance route I am derailed on. I will begin to plan my future once I have a surgery date. Since I have no control of the timing, I have to sit and try to wait patiently. I don’t like very much not being able to plan my life. I got frustrated and started tearing up, so I changed the subject to my physical healthcare problems. Something positive in my life at least to talk about other than the NUn01. I knew before going there that I wouldn’t be able to get through to him, I tried anyway and then gave up. It wasn’t worth me getting upset about something I can nothing about.

I began reading the evaluation and became irritated that there were so many errors in my biographical information, not limited to simple in context math mistakes. For example, my father’s birth year was incorrect, but the year he died and his age were correct. If you are able to do simple subtraction in your head you can easily notice the numbers don’t work out. Reading my sexual history made me angry too. It seemed they focused way too much on the homosexual experiences that I had before transition. They just kinda breezed over my heterosexual experiences as if they were a trivial note. If you would have asked me back then how I identified back then, I would have said heterosexual in theory, but bisexual in behavior. I still contend that the only times I ever did anything with men was when I was cross-dressed, and there was a reason for that. I knew they would want to treat me like a female and want to have sex with me as an exchange for their affection. I guess that was my only outlet where I could receive affirmation of my inner feelings. You can believe me if I had the choice to be with a woman in that situation I would have preferred it. I usually felt disgusted with myself after doing something sexually with men. I did get aroused, but I think that when one has testosterone coursing through their viens, sex is sex. It doesn’t matter with who or what, as long as the desire has been satisfied. I have always had a guilty feeling about the men I had sex with because it never felt entirely right to me. I had always felt entirely comfortable with most of the women I had relationships with. The closest thing that I ever had with anyone remotely male in terms of a period of time longer than a night was with rita. She doesn’t count though because she was like me. I have always been a girl who fancies other girls. I will have to write a more accurate account of my sexual history for them and correct all the factual mistakes.

On a different theme, there is a pet peeve of mine that I have been meaning to get out. I get very irritated when I see someone wearing an obviously expensive suit jacket, and you can tell it is expensive by the maker’s label still basted on the sleeve. People that buy expensive suit jackets that don’t know enough that the label comes off before wearing are too ignorant to deserve wearing such a quality garment. I feel better that I got that off my chest.