blocked like

I’m feeling a bit discouraged tonight. My aikido practice earlier was totally off. I was the only woman there, except for the instructor, not that it makes a difference. I have been letting myself get frustrated at work over the past two days. I practiced with the Jo last night with Günter instructing, and that went relatively well considering it was only the second time I had one in my hand. Reflecting on tonight, I didn’t really feel any energy in the dojo, like there usually is. Strange how it all felt a bit different tonight. I have practiced with small groups before, and have much preferred them over larger groups. I am tending to think it is just me trying to come up with reasons for having a not so optimal practice. It could be that I may be pushing myself too much. I have been in the dojo every night since last Friday, today being Wednesday. I wanted to practice with the sword with Anita sensei tomorrow night, but I will wait to see how I feel.

I can feel my body changing, toughening up somewhat. The muscle and joint pain lasted for days in the beginning, but now it lasts a couple of hours. The pain that I feel is largely self inflicted by either not rolling or falling properly. I can slowly feel myself becoming better at it, but like tonight the position that I am supposed to roll forward out of was very difficult. It was mostly because I was limited to one hand only, which is very difficult for me at my confidence level. Kim did some sort of forward flip without making contact with the tatami, only when she landed. I was in awe. They make it look so easy. They all wear hakama so it figures they have it down after practicing for years longer than me. The way I feel about it all is that I am almost positive I will continue to practice for many years to come, perhaps the rest of my life. I am trying to train without a specific goal except for improvement of self maybe. I guess I really want to become very good at it of course, and I have to remember all those wearing hakama started right where I am today, at the beginning.