on my own

The title has nothing to do with this post. I just need to get some of my own thoughts out without censoring them. I find myself at the end of a tailspin.

Now I am allowed to crash and burn. I have the next four days off. I am on layoff Fridays and Mondays for the whole month of February. I haven't been sleeping much lately, due to the candle burning at both ends that I carry to light my way.

I have fantasies of being like the fashion column writer I read about that writes for the NYT. Spending lots of time in Paris and NYC. Experiencing fashion at it's best. Jetting around the world dedicated to fashion.

I was already obsessed with fashion before all this happened, now I am off my face. It's all I think about now, almost, well a lot. More than I probably should. The nun stops me mid sentence when I start talking about it. I need to be in it, like an addiction. I felt so high after speaking with tom s. at aifw, after I realized who he was. That was a big problem for me, that I don't really know many people involved. I do know more people now, though.

Tom told me that I made a statement with my personal presentation at the shows. I wish I wasn't so hard with him when he first approached me. "Well, you look good." he said. Then I came back without even thinking, like a defense reflex, "It's my business to look good." I honestly don't know where that came from. I normally don't act like that at all. There have been strange fits of over confidence and actually narcissism too that have come out. I find it a bit embarrassing now that I think back on the past three weeks.  I did manage to keep it together while mingling with the guests.

His complement was genuine, he even called me after he read my pieces on the shows. It made me feel somewhat good, not as much as it should have I guess. I felt more excited that I spoke with someone who could possibly use my writing talents. I find that my appearance in normal circumstances like my current job is out of place. I am way over dressed for the office most of the time. But at the shows I felt like my appearance fit in perfectly, the atmosphere felt normal and I felt dressed just right. That was a nice feeling. I guess I have been preparing for something like this to happen without even knowing it. The nun was wondering why I was buying so many shoes.  Now you know.