Vorschriften

I was talking with Helmut today about a show he saw on tv last night while we had a smoke. The show was about a FTM person and what he had to go through in order to transition. It sounded pretty informative. I also realized that I haven't really told him or the others that are in the know what all that transitioning entails. It's not so easy and one must have a lot of patience. But, the system of care is set up to root out those that might be making a mistake by transitioning, which I think is a good thing. I feel, at least for me, the amount of time this takes normally is a good thing. I have time to try to sort things out and make sure this is my correct path.

After speaking about the german sequence of events for transitioning, I realized I need to aggressively prepare myself for the day. For it seems not very far away at the moment. I get anxious when I think about the day that I am outed or come out at work. Especially because I don't feel I am prepared enough right now and will need some time to get things into shape. Sometimes I feel that I am strong enough to do it right then and there.

This is all about the real life test. In germany one is required to live full time for a year before being allowed to take hormones and covered electrolosys. I am violating the german rules by how I am going about my transition, technically. I can't imagine living full time without first beginning hormone treatment. In the states it's totally opposite, min. three months therapy, then hormone treatment for a year, then the RLT for a year, then surgery is possible. In germany, if you make it through the RLT you are good to go for all of it as soon as you want it.

I'm hoping to turn over a new leaf when I get back from Greece. Work on the voice, work off the tummy, hair removal, work, and therapy. I have the first visit with the gestalt therapist on the next day after I am back, and a visit to the local laser shop for a consultation three hours later. My voice and tummy I have to on my own at home. I need a routine. Maybe blogging should be a reward for getting off my ass and doing something to improve my confidence level.

I have realized that the biggest catalyst for my current depressive moods is guilt. I am slowly learning to navigate this new greater self awareness. Most of it I like very much. It makes me feel good to know that I have a future, and I have the power to shape it into my future. Last night I was able to talk myself out of thinking about things that make me sad. Earlier in the day I had read an article about the differences between the genders biologically and mentally. The one thing that I was able to glean from the article was that progesterone hinders a metabolic resistance to stress. Knowing about it is half the battle. I am becoming better at controlling the moods so that they don't go too far. I find that I am able to think more clearly and with better perspective. I hope this trend continues...