The end of it
I have made many mistakes lately. To those I have offended: I am sorry. I'm sure how many times I have to say that, a lot apparently. I am sick of certain people telling me that I should feel guilty about who I was and who I am. I am sorry things have turned out the way they have for everyone involved in my life.
As if I could have somehow made the decision to transition earlier in life, but knowingly didn't just to be an asshole and fuck people's lives up. I do take responsibility for my life and that is why I am transitioning. When I have said that I knew for years that I would transition, I am over simplifying my feelings. After leaving mass and moving to Detroit, I thought I had beaten my demons. I tried to stop the progression within. I was fairly successful for two to three years, and then it came back. I was confronted by it and denied it. After that denial, the thought stuck in my head and I re-visited the decision for years after. I kept telling myself you don't need it that bad.
Transitioning seemed really scary and not something I wanted to undertake. Besides, it wasn't me, or so I wanted to believe. I looked at it as something I had experienced as a observer and was glad I didn't have to take things to that extreme. The fear and feelings of shame kept me from transitioning. Occasional cross dressing helped me to sustain the belief that I was only such. I realize now that the cross dressing meant for me that I could see on the outside the person I envisioned myself to be on the inside.
I am glad that I finally gave up the futile struggle. I have suffered all my life by denying who I innately identify myself as. I am glad that there is help for me in this world.
Do you know what it is like to live with inner conflict EVERY day of your life?
I am sorry to everyone that I decided so late to do something about it. I am done [hopefully] saying sorry and writing posts such as this trying to defend my position to those who discard it totally. I have always taken responsibility for my own life, and will continue to do so as best I can.
I am pissed as you can probably tell. I have brought this on myself once again, more mistakes. Certain mistakes I do not plan to make anymore. Certain persons, mark my words, will never be mentioned in any way, shape or intimation on my blog ever again. I hope to never see or hear from certain persons ever again. I have never said that before in my life, and it makes me sad to have to do it now. But bitterness and anger I can do without.
Furthermore, this is my blog. I get to write the things I want on it and you can't do anything about it. Whoever reads this can make up their own minds whether I am a fake, superficial, an asshole, a selfish asshole, just a man who will always be a man, a man who hates himself for being a man, delusional, psychotic, narcissistic, a compulsive liar, an aesthetically compulsive transvestite, deliberately mean, gay, obsessive compulsive, etc.
I think my success so far in my endeavor to transition makes certain people angry. I think this is because they really wanted or expected me to fail as a come due for deliberately hurting them by my decision to transition. I have always been able to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for my life. I am where i am at today in all aspects of my life because I worked hard for it.
As if I could have somehow made the decision to transition earlier in life, but knowingly didn't just to be an asshole and fuck people's lives up. I do take responsibility for my life and that is why I am transitioning. When I have said that I knew for years that I would transition, I am over simplifying my feelings. After leaving mass and moving to Detroit, I thought I had beaten my demons. I tried to stop the progression within. I was fairly successful for two to three years, and then it came back. I was confronted by it and denied it. After that denial, the thought stuck in my head and I re-visited the decision for years after. I kept telling myself you don't need it that bad.
Transitioning seemed really scary and not something I wanted to undertake. Besides, it wasn't me, or so I wanted to believe. I looked at it as something I had experienced as a observer and was glad I didn't have to take things to that extreme. The fear and feelings of shame kept me from transitioning. Occasional cross dressing helped me to sustain the belief that I was only such. I realize now that the cross dressing meant for me that I could see on the outside the person I envisioned myself to be on the inside.
I am glad that I finally gave up the futile struggle. I have suffered all my life by denying who I innately identify myself as. I am glad that there is help for me in this world.
Do you know what it is like to live with inner conflict EVERY day of your life?
I am sorry to everyone that I decided so late to do something about it. I am done [hopefully] saying sorry and writing posts such as this trying to defend my position to those who discard it totally. I have always taken responsibility for my own life, and will continue to do so as best I can.
I am pissed as you can probably tell. I have brought this on myself once again, more mistakes. Certain mistakes I do not plan to make anymore. Certain persons, mark my words, will never be mentioned in any way, shape or intimation on my blog ever again. I hope to never see or hear from certain persons ever again. I have never said that before in my life, and it makes me sad to have to do it now. But bitterness and anger I can do without.
Furthermore, this is my blog. I get to write the things I want on it and you can't do anything about it. Whoever reads this can make up their own minds whether I am a fake, superficial, an asshole, a selfish asshole, just a man who will always be a man, a man who hates himself for being a man, delusional, psychotic, narcissistic, a compulsive liar, an aesthetically compulsive transvestite, deliberately mean, gay, obsessive compulsive, etc.
I think my success so far in my endeavor to transition makes certain people angry. I think this is because they really wanted or expected me to fail as a come due for deliberately hurting them by my decision to transition. I have always been able to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for my life. I am where i am at today in all aspects of my life because I worked hard for it.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 10:18 PM
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