Frohe Ostern
I wrote this while on the plane ride to between Amsterdam and Boston. Just pretend it’s last Thursday.
I made this trip five weeks ago to complete my name change. This time is strictly for familiar reasons. I am glad I am going to be with my sisters and mother for Easter. It’s just getting there that’s the hard part. I flew through Amsterdam today and the security was really tight. Schiphol airport is quite nice. There are even smoking areas within the walls of the airport, I love Europe. I am going back to the land of baggy legged puritans where you are barely allowed to smoke outside, never mind in a restaurant or a bar. I like sipping café au lait and smoking a cigarette. It does my soul good, even if it isn’t good for my body.
The familiar reasons are sort of piling up at the moment. Rachel has recovered from her overdose, Jackie and Billy have a new daughter, Elena Renee (sp), which means I am a new aunt. Aunt sounds good to me. Jen lost her second attempt, bummer. I came out at work and started living full time last week. I have been feeling so tired lately, and there never seems to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. At least things aren’t boring.
I feel so good about myself right now. The last two weeks, even though stressful, I have been walking on clouds. All of my colleagues have been really supportive and respectful of my decision and of me as a person. I have noticed that a couple of people at first interaction with me are a bit nervous, but by the second or third time, they are again relaxed and it seems like nothing has changed. Most people didn’t even skip a beat. I am such a lucky girl.
I went with Linda on the Saturday after my coming out speech to a beauty salon in NI to take care of my locks. We spent four and a half hours there. Linda took longer than I did, and she calls me “princess”. I got my hair trimmed, chunked, and highlighted. I also got my brows plucked and dyed. They were a bit dark at first, which took a bit of getting used to. I like my new look, except that I should have cut my hair a little shorter, only because it takes so long to dry it and I am not so good at styling yet. That night we went to the stammtich in NI. Chloe was there, which was great since I hadn’t seen her in ages. I gave her my silicone prostheses since I have enough natural breast of my own now. I had to take the padding out of the left cup of my bras, because I am asymmetrical. Hopefully someday my right will catch up with my left. We had fun at the stammtich.
I decided on Sunday that on that first day I would wear my green and brown cropped pants with the matching blazer, and a brown turtleneck underneath. I wanted to make the best impression possible, so I had to look my best. I will no doubt get some comment about how I am only concerned about appearance and such. I don’t care. I am about looks. That’s just the way I am. I have lived with an unfulfilled image of myself for so long and now I am actually able to achieve it. That feels really good to me. I look in the mirror and I can honestly say to myself, this is you, finally. I am looking exactly the way I have always wanted and envisioned, I just need to start living the rest of my life that way too. That will come in time.
I will surely be teased by my sisters about how high maintenance I am. Is that such a bad thing when you are an independent woman? I guess the biggest bitch is that it takes me so long to get ready. I am still working on refining my morning routine. The amount of time it takes me right now is obscene. Drying my hair takes the most amount of time. The stylist who cut my hair made the mistake of drying curls into the ends, which I like, but now I am obsessed with doing it every morning because I love the way it looks. The curls add life to my hair, and also help me to look more feminine. I have to work on my time, that is clear. I may try a curling iron instead of drying the curls with a round brush.
Living full time has taken a bit of getting used to. I no longer have to make sure I am acting like my appearance, which may sound stupid, but when you switch back and forth like I have lately it fucks with your head after a while. Now I am able to just be me, and that’s exactly how I feel, me. I love myself finally, but there is still much work to be done. A work in progress of sorts.
I made this trip five weeks ago to complete my name change. This time is strictly for familiar reasons. I am glad I am going to be with my sisters and mother for Easter. It’s just getting there that’s the hard part. I flew through Amsterdam today and the security was really tight. Schiphol airport is quite nice. There are even smoking areas within the walls of the airport, I love Europe. I am going back to the land of baggy legged puritans where you are barely allowed to smoke outside, never mind in a restaurant or a bar. I like sipping café au lait and smoking a cigarette. It does my soul good, even if it isn’t good for my body.
The familiar reasons are sort of piling up at the moment. Rachel has recovered from her overdose, Jackie and Billy have a new daughter, Elena Renee (sp), which means I am a new aunt. Aunt sounds good to me. Jen lost her second attempt, bummer. I came out at work and started living full time last week. I have been feeling so tired lately, and there never seems to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. At least things aren’t boring.
I feel so good about myself right now. The last two weeks, even though stressful, I have been walking on clouds. All of my colleagues have been really supportive and respectful of my decision and of me as a person. I have noticed that a couple of people at first interaction with me are a bit nervous, but by the second or third time, they are again relaxed and it seems like nothing has changed. Most people didn’t even skip a beat. I am such a lucky girl.
I went with Linda on the Saturday after my coming out speech to a beauty salon in NI to take care of my locks. We spent four and a half hours there. Linda took longer than I did, and she calls me “princess”. I got my hair trimmed, chunked, and highlighted. I also got my brows plucked and dyed. They were a bit dark at first, which took a bit of getting used to. I like my new look, except that I should have cut my hair a little shorter, only because it takes so long to dry it and I am not so good at styling yet. That night we went to the stammtich in NI. Chloe was there, which was great since I hadn’t seen her in ages. I gave her my silicone prostheses since I have enough natural breast of my own now. I had to take the padding out of the left cup of my bras, because I am asymmetrical. Hopefully someday my right will catch up with my left. We had fun at the stammtich.
I decided on Sunday that on that first day I would wear my green and brown cropped pants with the matching blazer, and a brown turtleneck underneath. I wanted to make the best impression possible, so I had to look my best. I will no doubt get some comment about how I am only concerned about appearance and such. I don’t care. I am about looks. That’s just the way I am. I have lived with an unfulfilled image of myself for so long and now I am actually able to achieve it. That feels really good to me. I look in the mirror and I can honestly say to myself, this is you, finally. I am looking exactly the way I have always wanted and envisioned, I just need to start living the rest of my life that way too. That will come in time.
I will surely be teased by my sisters about how high maintenance I am. Is that such a bad thing when you are an independent woman? I guess the biggest bitch is that it takes me so long to get ready. I am still working on refining my morning routine. The amount of time it takes me right now is obscene. Drying my hair takes the most amount of time. The stylist who cut my hair made the mistake of drying curls into the ends, which I like, but now I am obsessed with doing it every morning because I love the way it looks. The curls add life to my hair, and also help me to look more feminine. I have to work on my time, that is clear. I may try a curling iron instead of drying the curls with a round brush.
Living full time has taken a bit of getting used to. I no longer have to make sure I am acting like my appearance, which may sound stupid, but when you switch back and forth like I have lately it fucks with your head after a while. Now I am able to just be me, and that’s exactly how I feel, me. I love myself finally, but there is still much work to be done. A work in progress of sorts.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 10:29 PM
1 Comments:
At 5:27 PM,
sweet trini said…
woman, i think that right now you can indulge yourself a little. spend time on your appearance, figure out what it takes to look the way you want- you've waited too long and struggled too hard to take it for granted or waste it now. and if it's any consolation, every time i gain or lose a little weight the time i take to get ready changes even though my body's not that different, and you're working with a whole new one right now. enjoy it.
walk good.
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