Mack Avenue

I am up way earlier than usual.  I had some bad dreams and couldn’t sleep any longer.  My nerves are frazzled.  I have to somehow keep it together.

I had a dream again for the second time.  The beginning was different this time though.  At first I was driving in a car trying to get to Ann Arbor, to take a train somewhere.  I missed the train, and the next one wouldn’t be there until the next day.  Then I was with my sisters in Mass, shopping of course.  Jen was trying to steal everything of mine, but that is usual.  I then flew back to Detroit, and found myself walking down the street.  I walked into a store, but it wasn’t a normal store, it was one of those with hipsters sitting around listening to hipster music.  There was a weird hallway that ran along the front of the store which had a partially boarded up exit, which I went through.  As soon as I went through the poorly secured exit, I remember thinking they better fix that or thieves will break in easily.

The next part of the dream I was walking down the street trying to find home.  In an instant, I realized I had forgotten all my belongings somewhere.  I thought perhaps at the airport.  I found myself in an area of Detroit I don’t know so well, the area around Mack avenue.  It wasn’t really Mack avenue, but that’s what someone told me when I asked for directions the last time I had the dream.  There were a lot of people walking around amid dirty streets filled with factories.  There is one particular factory that I remember; it must be a stamping plant, because it emits a loud reoccurring stamping noise.  All the surroundings seemed familiar and therefore I didn’t feel too upset about being there.  I just wanted to get home.  More worrisome was the fact that I didn’t have my handbag with my keys, money, and identification.  I felt sort of naked without them.

I don’t remember the outcome the last time I had the dream.  I awoke not too long after being in it.  I definitely had the feel that I was female this time, although I don’t remember the feel of the last time, except for feeling scared because I was lost.  The fact that there were lotsof people around makes it even scarier, as that area of Detroit is really dangerous and therefore people don’t walk around there.  Especially women alone.  I think it strange that I was none too worried about actually finding myself there again, except for the fact that I was a long way from home.  I hate Detroit.

Writing this has helped me to analyze the dream.  I think that the area of Detroit that I find myself in is my transition, and this time the surroundings were seemed more familiar.  The first time I knew it was Detroit, but not the exact area because I had to ask to get my bearings.  This time I wasn’t so worried to find myself there, because I had been there before.  This tells me that I am comfortable with myself mostly, and that I am closer to finding “home” as it may be.  I just felt frustrated to find myself there again.  Perhaps it is a test of my will.  Even though I didn’t know the way out of there, I kept moving.

I am nervous because today is the day that I must come out to my company president.  Speaking with my sister Ann and also with Linda helped to calm me down last night.  I need to realize this is my life, not anyone else’s, and I have to live it the way I feel comfortable.  This is a difficult time, but I must find a way to get through it.  I go for my double shots this morning that should help.  Heike will also be there today.  I am just worried about doing this right and making things run as smoothly as possible.  I need to relax and go with it.

Over the past week I have been ripping more cd’s to mp3.  I dug out my old De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Special Ed, Digable Planets, and Third Bass.  The old hip-hop reminds me of earlier times and is also comforting to listen to.  I also found my DJ Cam CDs, which I am listening to right now.  Soothing.  I even managed to find Paul’s Boutique from the beasties.  I am in the middle of checking drawings at work to enable me to release the parts for manufacture.  Checking is tedious work and having good music to listen to helps me concentrate.  I am the one who must ensure that all the parts will fit together when assembly starts.  I will give an update later tonight when I get home later, but for now, it’s shower time.