Schwerigkeiten
All the things that have been on my mind lately have come to a head today. I broke down in therapy today. By the end of the session I was laughing again, but that didn’t last very long. I wept the whole train ride home from Ffm. I am at the point where I hope that I don’t end up living for very much longer. That doesn’t mean that I will kill myself, I could never bring myself to do that. I sort have a feeling that the end is near, how near, I don’t know. I just don’t think that my sad existence is sustainable. If it does come, I just hope it is over quickly.
When I get lonely, which is pretty much all the time now, I am reminded of everything I gave up to be able to make myself happy, to transition. Is it all worth it? I am not so convinced it is. I have achieved a level of harmony between my mind and body that I could never have imagined. Trouble is, everything else in my life has turned to shit because of it. I feel like I am starting over, not from zero, but somewhere less than zero. I can understand totally why some trans people decide to go stealth, break off all contact with their old life and start somewhere totally new. I guess that is still an option. Maybe walking away from the fragmented life somehow makes the pain easier to deal with, in that the fragments aren’t there any more to remind you of what once was and is not really anymore, just fleeting memories. It cannot be the same ever again. It is becoming seldom that the fragments of my life come to me, but rather when I decide to go to them. It almost feels as though nobody really wants to deal with me anymore and who I have become. It’s my own fault. I willingly killed off their Christopher. I feel sometimes that they liked him more than me. I have always been Christine; it is just easier to see me now.
The doubts that I though would linger till the end of my days are pretty much gone. The simpler things like companionship are becoming harder to live without. Right now it almost seems that to stick it out living my old miserable life as a male was a better option. But I know it isn’t. I can’t and don’t want to go back. That is sure. I try to hold out hope that the rest of my life will get better someday, but the waiting is very difficult. I feel very isolated. My whole life seems like just a big waste. I am wretched facsimile of a female.
When I get lonely, which is pretty much all the time now, I am reminded of everything I gave up to be able to make myself happy, to transition. Is it all worth it? I am not so convinced it is. I have achieved a level of harmony between my mind and body that I could never have imagined. Trouble is, everything else in my life has turned to shit because of it. I feel like I am starting over, not from zero, but somewhere less than zero. I can understand totally why some trans people decide to go stealth, break off all contact with their old life and start somewhere totally new. I guess that is still an option. Maybe walking away from the fragmented life somehow makes the pain easier to deal with, in that the fragments aren’t there any more to remind you of what once was and is not really anymore, just fleeting memories. It cannot be the same ever again. It is becoming seldom that the fragments of my life come to me, but rather when I decide to go to them. It almost feels as though nobody really wants to deal with me anymore and who I have become. It’s my own fault. I willingly killed off their Christopher. I feel sometimes that they liked him more than me. I have always been Christine; it is just easier to see me now.
The doubts that I though would linger till the end of my days are pretty much gone. The simpler things like companionship are becoming harder to live without. Right now it almost seems that to stick it out living my old miserable life as a male was a better option. But I know it isn’t. I can’t and don’t want to go back. That is sure. I try to hold out hope that the rest of my life will get better someday, but the waiting is very difficult. I feel very isolated. My whole life seems like just a big waste. I am wretched facsimile of a female.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 10:35 PM
1 Comments:
At 11:38 AM,
sweet trini said…
i know that loneliness can make you feel this way, but remember that even if others give the impression that they liked christopher more, that isn't real because someone who doesn't love him/herself can't truly be loved by others. you are better off becoming the person you always thought you were on the inside, and although the adjustment is slow, your loved ones will come around. and in the meanwhile, there are some of us who love you exactly as you are, once you're happy. and you deserve happiness.
email if you need me.
walk good. biglove.
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