How low can you go?
I am so sad today that I feel physically sick. I am scared too. I have been fighting back the tears all day at work. I decided to come home so that no one would see the tears of a fool. My life is just a big mess of lies and hurt. My biggest mistake that I have made was not taking my own life back when I first contemplated it when I was 16. I could have prevented all this anguish I have since put on everyone. My mess would have been a lot easier to clean up back then. It’s too late now.
My family would have had to say goodbye to Christopher, and never would have known of my problems. Instead now they have to say goodbye to Christopher and live with who is left over, Christine. Someone they don’t necessarily have to love or even like. It seems too much to ask. I can tell they are reluctantly accepting of who I am, and that hurts.
This is not a plea for help. This is exactly what I am feeling at this very moment. If eventually I decide to take my own life, unfortunately I think about it from time to time, it won’t be because I want to hurt everyone as a form of payback. It will be because I cannot live with myself anymore. I should have been dead a long time ago.
The more I think about it, the next best opportunity to take my own life was when I decided to transition. The better alternative would have been suicide. I see that now, and I am ok with it. It would have surely hurt everyone that knows me, until everyone would have moved on and forgotten about me. It could have been hard and quick. What I am left with now is an existence where I hurt others continually. I hate myself for hurting everyone. It feels sometimes too much to bear.
I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I have and continually do. This is turning out to be incredibly difficult. I am sure that gender transition was my best option, barring suicide. Becoming a woman is what I have always wanted, which has become blatantly clear to me now. That revelation is both disturbing and liberating at the same time. It almost seems like transsexuals should be forced to fake their death and be transported to somewhere where they can’t do anyone any harm, but themselves.
I have also contemplated de-transitioning until I can get this issue under control, but I don’t think it will help. I don’t want to stop now, or ever. It makes me feel too good about myself to walk away from. I don’t know what to do. I am out of resources. I am scared. I am again wondering if it is all worth it. I feel like I am forcing myself on everyone because I am. I want to just be.
Gender transition is truly a double edged sword. On the one side, I feel better and better about myself, but the other side cuts a deep gash into my personal relationships. It’s like I have to hurt everyone to be able to do the things that make me complete. Transsexuals are an abomination, myself included. I carry on a shameful existence. My problem is that my transition is such a satisfying experience to me myself, but I am having trouble dealing with everything that goes along with it. I am sure this is why I put it off for so long. I’m sure too that the hormones have a lot to do with how I perceive things, but I feel they have corrected my perceptions and opened me up to being able to really feel things that I otherwise wouldn’t. Remember when you told me that the most important thing was that I had to truly be myself?
I tried to do a gestalt with my therapist last week to try to resolve this, but I ended up getting so upset I couldn’t continue. My biggest problem with all of this is the fact that I have totally obliterated the one relationship that I need the most apparently. I am such a sorry piece of shit.
My family would have had to say goodbye to Christopher, and never would have known of my problems. Instead now they have to say goodbye to Christopher and live with who is left over, Christine. Someone they don’t necessarily have to love or even like. It seems too much to ask. I can tell they are reluctantly accepting of who I am, and that hurts.
This is not a plea for help. This is exactly what I am feeling at this very moment. If eventually I decide to take my own life, unfortunately I think about it from time to time, it won’t be because I want to hurt everyone as a form of payback. It will be because I cannot live with myself anymore. I should have been dead a long time ago.
The more I think about it, the next best opportunity to take my own life was when I decided to transition. The better alternative would have been suicide. I see that now, and I am ok with it. It would have surely hurt everyone that knows me, until everyone would have moved on and forgotten about me. It could have been hard and quick. What I am left with now is an existence where I hurt others continually. I hate myself for hurting everyone. It feels sometimes too much to bear.
I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I have and continually do. This is turning out to be incredibly difficult. I am sure that gender transition was my best option, barring suicide. Becoming a woman is what I have always wanted, which has become blatantly clear to me now. That revelation is both disturbing and liberating at the same time. It almost seems like transsexuals should be forced to fake their death and be transported to somewhere where they can’t do anyone any harm, but themselves.
I have also contemplated de-transitioning until I can get this issue under control, but I don’t think it will help. I don’t want to stop now, or ever. It makes me feel too good about myself to walk away from. I don’t know what to do. I am out of resources. I am scared. I am again wondering if it is all worth it. I feel like I am forcing myself on everyone because I am. I want to just be.
Gender transition is truly a double edged sword. On the one side, I feel better and better about myself, but the other side cuts a deep gash into my personal relationships. It’s like I have to hurt everyone to be able to do the things that make me complete. Transsexuals are an abomination, myself included. I carry on a shameful existence. My problem is that my transition is such a satisfying experience to me myself, but I am having trouble dealing with everything that goes along with it. I am sure this is why I put it off for so long. I’m sure too that the hormones have a lot to do with how I perceive things, but I feel they have corrected my perceptions and opened me up to being able to really feel things that I otherwise wouldn’t. Remember when you told me that the most important thing was that I had to truly be myself?
I tried to do a gestalt with my therapist last week to try to resolve this, but I ended up getting so upset I couldn’t continue. My biggest problem with all of this is the fact that I have totally obliterated the one relationship that I need the most apparently. I am such a sorry piece of shit.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 5:50 PM
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