Pin Cushion
I am a very swollen Chrissy today. I have been a good girl lately, so I had the privilege of visiting the electrolysis fairy yesterday. Yes, the old stick, fry, and pluck felt better than it ever has. Three hours of galvanic electricity fun. It gives new meaning to dancing on the head of a pin. I have to be careful with sharp objects around my lips, as they will probably explode if I were to pierce them. I look like I am hiding bananas between my lips and gums. She cleared from my nose to my chin in one sitting. I am starting to think this was a mistake. I have to work tomorrow, and there is no way that I will look even remotely the same. I was contemplating scheduling the clearing of my mouth area for a long weekend, but alas, I decided to just get it over with. I am paying for it now. It took three days for my cheeks to return to close to normal size over my vacation.
It hurt the most under my nose and around my lips. I had tears in my eyes during the whole ordeal. I tried to numb the area with Emla, but even still I feel every single one. I was quite amazed with myself that I was actually able to lie still and endure the pain. She was ready to give me some Novocain injections, should it be totally unbearable. I wish she had just to see if it really would numb it totally so I wouldn’t feel anything. I was contemplating seeking out a dentist that would be willing to shoot me up just before my electrolysis sessions. The sad thing is that there are very few options for pain management that are available to transwomen who must undergo countless hours of electrolysis.
I have been wondering if the pain management is effective enough, then the swelling wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not sure this is the case. Of course I haven’t been able to prove or disprove this theory, as I have never had completely effective pain management, ever. I try to remind myself that every zapped hair and the lingering pain that comes with it, is another step closer to realizing my goal of womanhood. As I have said countless times before, the physical pain alone involved in transition from man to woman is enough to weed out the ones who shouldn’t be doing this. I tried to prepare myself mentally for what I subjected myself to yesterday. I think it worked, because I went through the most painful of facial areas without having to use the Novocain. That option has never been available, as it is illegal for her to administer it, and therefore would be taking a great risk in doing so. I had asked her about it a couple of years ago when I started electrolysis with her, but she said it was too much of a risk and also illegal. Apparently she has changed her position in the meantime. Although it probably would make it a lot easier, I don’t want to put her in a difficult position.
In surveying the damage in the mirror, I noticed she was incredibly meticulous in her work yesterday. I can’t find a single hair anywhere. She has also become very fast with her trade. I estimate she is able to treat at least five hairs per minute, multiplied by one hundred eighty minutes, that equals ouch! Fuck that hurts! about 900 times. The aftershocks keep the fun going for hours afterwards. It almost feels like the energy gets stored in the follicles and then is finally released in the hours following.
I am glad that I somehow made it through the three hours. Whatever will grow back will be significantly weaker and the next time will hopefully be the last time. My cheeks, even though there is a bit of hair still on them, feel much softer now and are so much easier to shave. The day I throw my razor out the window and watch as it shatters into a million pieces on the sidewalk below is growing ever closer.
I took some time the other night while I was preparing my passport application, to put together a plan for my start of the real life test. I have decided that May 8th is my day of liberation. I planned it around my sister Rachel’s visit. She finally booked her flights last week. The plan will be set in motion as soon as I inform my BUM and my supervisor Jens. I have exactly eight weeks’ time to prepare myself for that day. Technically, I will start living full time when Rachel gets here on the 28th of April. I plan on informing my company president on the 14th of April, and then the personnel department the following Monday the 17th. That will give them three weeks to do whatever it is that they will do. I am assuming that I will probably have a meeting with my department and the others that I work with just before I go on vacation with Rachel for a week. I must put something together, maybe a PowerPoint, just kidding, to help me explain to the others what is going to happen with me, and to help them deal with it. It has been suggested that I put together a webpage for those who for whatever reason don’t feel comfortable asking me questions directly. The webpage would give others the chance to read as much or as little as they choose about me and why I have chosen to transition from man to woman. I guess it could be a blogpage that would be the easiest since I am able to edit the page as I wish and I have sufficient HTML knowledge to evoke danger.
I am thinking the webpage idea is a good idea, especially as it should be bi-lingual for both my German and American colleagues. I would rather not get into the details in a coworker meeting. I think it would be better to stick to matter of fact type things like how I should be addressed and bathroom usage. The more personal details would no doubt make some people uncomfortable. I think I will do a FAQ type format for this page, with links to information on the web for further reading. I also think I will include a picture page, as I think showing my nieces pictures of me before they saw me in person helped them not to be so shocked. I am at the point now where I don’t really care who knows, but I need to keep this under wraps for a bit longer. The day of liberation is in sight, and that feels really comforting. Switching back to man mode after a week in female mode was difficult. I felt really comfortable in my skin during that week. My fears of being out in public are all but gone. Most people don’t see anything other than a normal woman when they look at me. I go by largely unnoticed, except for my grin from ear to ear. It’s weirdly comforting to go by undetected. The biggest problem I have now is to keep my head straight.
Although it would have certainly been much easier all around to stay ignorant and live as man, for me it is definitely worth all the trouble to transition. My life has definitely been enriched by it, and I have begun to view the compassion of humankind in a whole new light. I find it very encouraging that I have had mostly positive experiences throughout my transition. It has also become more difficult to tolerate having to grow out my facial hair for electrolysis. It is a means to an end, and therefore must be done. I try not to let myself be brought down by the thoughts of what I have to do in the next several weeks. I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize, if you will. I have come so far and there is definitely no turning back now. I think I have reached the point where my reproductive capabilities are probably gone. This eventuality used to bother me, but I have learned to accept the fact that I will become sterile, a non-breeder, a dead ender.
I have been on contra-sexual hormones for a year now. My body has morphed from a shapeless boy’s body into a thin and curvy woman’s body. My testosterone level is below 20 ng/dl (normal female 35 yrs is between 20-80 ng/dl) and my estrogen level is 60.5 pg/ml (normal range=26-165 pg/ml). Those levels were taken a day before I was to get my next double shots, so they are a good indication of the lowest my levels could be, which are still excellent. The treatments are working very well with my body chemistry.
I think I will go and lie down now with an ice pack on my face. More later.
It hurt the most under my nose and around my lips. I had tears in my eyes during the whole ordeal. I tried to numb the area with Emla, but even still I feel every single one. I was quite amazed with myself that I was actually able to lie still and endure the pain. She was ready to give me some Novocain injections, should it be totally unbearable. I wish she had just to see if it really would numb it totally so I wouldn’t feel anything. I was contemplating seeking out a dentist that would be willing to shoot me up just before my electrolysis sessions. The sad thing is that there are very few options for pain management that are available to transwomen who must undergo countless hours of electrolysis.
I have been wondering if the pain management is effective enough, then the swelling wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not sure this is the case. Of course I haven’t been able to prove or disprove this theory, as I have never had completely effective pain management, ever. I try to remind myself that every zapped hair and the lingering pain that comes with it, is another step closer to realizing my goal of womanhood. As I have said countless times before, the physical pain alone involved in transition from man to woman is enough to weed out the ones who shouldn’t be doing this. I tried to prepare myself mentally for what I subjected myself to yesterday. I think it worked, because I went through the most painful of facial areas without having to use the Novocain. That option has never been available, as it is illegal for her to administer it, and therefore would be taking a great risk in doing so. I had asked her about it a couple of years ago when I started electrolysis with her, but she said it was too much of a risk and also illegal. Apparently she has changed her position in the meantime. Although it probably would make it a lot easier, I don’t want to put her in a difficult position.
In surveying the damage in the mirror, I noticed she was incredibly meticulous in her work yesterday. I can’t find a single hair anywhere. She has also become very fast with her trade. I estimate she is able to treat at least five hairs per minute, multiplied by one hundred eighty minutes, that equals ouch! Fuck that hurts! about 900 times. The aftershocks keep the fun going for hours afterwards. It almost feels like the energy gets stored in the follicles and then is finally released in the hours following.
I am glad that I somehow made it through the three hours. Whatever will grow back will be significantly weaker and the next time will hopefully be the last time. My cheeks, even though there is a bit of hair still on them, feel much softer now and are so much easier to shave. The day I throw my razor out the window and watch as it shatters into a million pieces on the sidewalk below is growing ever closer.
I took some time the other night while I was preparing my passport application, to put together a plan for my start of the real life test. I have decided that May 8th is my day of liberation. I planned it around my sister Rachel’s visit. She finally booked her flights last week. The plan will be set in motion as soon as I inform my BUM and my supervisor Jens. I have exactly eight weeks’ time to prepare myself for that day. Technically, I will start living full time when Rachel gets here on the 28th of April. I plan on informing my company president on the 14th of April, and then the personnel department the following Monday the 17th. That will give them three weeks to do whatever it is that they will do. I am assuming that I will probably have a meeting with my department and the others that I work with just before I go on vacation with Rachel for a week. I must put something together, maybe a PowerPoint, just kidding, to help me explain to the others what is going to happen with me, and to help them deal with it. It has been suggested that I put together a webpage for those who for whatever reason don’t feel comfortable asking me questions directly. The webpage would give others the chance to read as much or as little as they choose about me and why I have chosen to transition from man to woman. I guess it could be a blogpage that would be the easiest since I am able to edit the page as I wish and I have sufficient HTML knowledge to evoke danger.
I am thinking the webpage idea is a good idea, especially as it should be bi-lingual for both my German and American colleagues. I would rather not get into the details in a coworker meeting. I think it would be better to stick to matter of fact type things like how I should be addressed and bathroom usage. The more personal details would no doubt make some people uncomfortable. I think I will do a FAQ type format for this page, with links to information on the web for further reading. I also think I will include a picture page, as I think showing my nieces pictures of me before they saw me in person helped them not to be so shocked. I am at the point now where I don’t really care who knows, but I need to keep this under wraps for a bit longer. The day of liberation is in sight, and that feels really comforting. Switching back to man mode after a week in female mode was difficult. I felt really comfortable in my skin during that week. My fears of being out in public are all but gone. Most people don’t see anything other than a normal woman when they look at me. I go by largely unnoticed, except for my grin from ear to ear. It’s weirdly comforting to go by undetected. The biggest problem I have now is to keep my head straight.
Although it would have certainly been much easier all around to stay ignorant and live as man, for me it is definitely worth all the trouble to transition. My life has definitely been enriched by it, and I have begun to view the compassion of humankind in a whole new light. I find it very encouraging that I have had mostly positive experiences throughout my transition. It has also become more difficult to tolerate having to grow out my facial hair for electrolysis. It is a means to an end, and therefore must be done. I try not to let myself be brought down by the thoughts of what I have to do in the next several weeks. I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize, if you will. I have come so far and there is definitely no turning back now. I think I have reached the point where my reproductive capabilities are probably gone. This eventuality used to bother me, but I have learned to accept the fact that I will become sterile, a non-breeder, a dead ender.
I have been on contra-sexual hormones for a year now. My body has morphed from a shapeless boy’s body into a thin and curvy woman’s body. My testosterone level is below 20 ng/dl (normal female 35 yrs is between 20-80 ng/dl) and my estrogen level is 60.5 pg/ml (normal range=26-165 pg/ml). Those levels were taken a day before I was to get my next double shots, so they are a good indication of the lowest my levels could be, which are still excellent. The treatments are working very well with my body chemistry.
I think I will go and lie down now with an ice pack on my face. More later.
posted by Christine Cormier @ 12:26 PM
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