a good feeling

Things here in DA are going so much better than a couple of days ago.  One important point to note is that even though I was down on Monday, it wasn’t because I doubted myself again.  That didn’t even enter into the gray picture.  I feel as positive about what I am doing as I can be, and that makes me really happy.  My sorrow on Monday was more because I was feeling all the loss I have caused and experienced as a result of my decision to transition.  Although I don’t think that writing about death and suicide is necessarily healthy, I think experiencing the deep sadness in some way helps me to release some of it.  I feel differently now.  I remember going through a similar time last summer during which I was filled with doubt and also the loss factored into it as well.

I feel as if the times when I go through a period of sadness I am molting, metaphorically speaking.  It’s like I’m shedding a skin which causes emotional pain, instead of physical pain.  Although it is difficult to get through the sadness, afterwards I feel a semblance of relief.  As if I have shed a part of me that was necessary to leave behind.  I find it very interesting when I think about how I am changing psychologically through transition.  Of course the hormones play their part, but I am realizing that gender change is not as simple as having the yearning and changing clothes.  The yearning only serves to set this process in motion.  I feel that through all the difficult experiences that I am further developing my character and personality that was for a long time stalled or stunted.  I am not able to completely and clearly put into words what I am now feeling.  This is a start though.  Maybe this is what it feels like when one knows oneself well, and is at peace with oneself.  I realize now that I have never felt this way before in my life.  Such feelings are new to me, and as one can imagine, it feels really good.

I have been behaving poorly in the recent past because I am struggling to obtain acceptance from those that are important to me.  Through this I have learned that I hadn’t fully accepted myself.  If I had, I wouldn’t feel like the acceptance of others was so direly important to obtain.  I have also realized that I can’t expect certain people to accept me, or even have the right to ask them to.  This is difficult for me to accept, but it is unfortunately the reality of the situation.  The only person that can validate this experience for me is me alone.  When it comes down to it, I have to live with myself every day of my life, and everyone and everything else is secondary.  I feel that I am close to fully accepting myself, if that is even possible.  Every day that goes by I become more confident in my decision.  Doubt does rear its ugly head less and less, and it only serves to allow me to gain a better perspective on what I am doing.  I am able to make sense of things better now because I actually pay attention to myself and what I do and how it affects others.  I don’t always make the correct decision, but I am trying to do better.  I want to be a good person, and I feel that I am, even though I may act badly sometimes.  I can only hope to do better by understanding why I do the things I have done.

My main worry through all of this is that I am doing the right thing for me.  I used to constantly ask myself whenever I looked in the mirror, “are you sure this really what you want?”  I just smile at myself now instead, because I know it is.