half full
I really don’t know exactly what I am feeling right now, because I don’t really feel anything, or rather any sort of particular way. I am a little worried that this is what it feels like when my hormone levels are in the dirt. I am feeling a little light headed also. My moods lately have been getting out of control, but today I feel even keeled. I wish I could find a middle ground and be able to stay there. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be emotionally exhausted.
I haven’t decided if I am feeling empty or I am finally at peace. I don’t feel I am fighting anymore today, or that I have to. This post will probably make no sense whatsoever. Is this what it feels like when I have reached the other side? I don’t feel a need to make sense of anything. I contemplated that I no longer fear being trans, could that be it?
Maybe I should just go with it and not question things so much. I feel good physically and mentally, but yet I find myself second guessing it, not because I feel the need to, but because that is how I have been living. Why do I feel the way I do today? Does every feeling or lack of a definite feeling have to mean something? I worked on cutting out my next pair of pants today and did the wash and the dishes. Things are easy today. Am I making something out of nothing? I am starting to think so. I almost feel that I have been fighting to define myself to myself for so long, and now that I know who I am, the fight is over, but I am so used to fighting that I can’t let it go. I feel sort of an eerie calmness. I find myself trying to make up reasons to fight, but there is nothing left to fight. I somehow feel free to think of other things that have nothing to do with my gender conflict. I will try it and see where it leads.
Why continue to question it if you don’t feel the need to? This is a new feeling and I’m not quite sure what to make of it yet. I’ll have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow to gage it. Maybe I am finally free. I wondered for a long time if someday when I was past my gender conflict through transition if I would feel an inner peace. A peace that would allow me to concentrate my thought and emotional energy on other things other than my inner conflict. The conflict had always used a portion of my energy, and the unused portion was used for the rest of my life. Can I now concentrate on other things without that default amount of energy being taken up?
More on this later.
I haven’t decided if I am feeling empty or I am finally at peace. I don’t feel I am fighting anymore today, or that I have to. This post will probably make no sense whatsoever. Is this what it feels like when I have reached the other side? I don’t feel a need to make sense of anything. I contemplated that I no longer fear being trans, could that be it?
Maybe I should just go with it and not question things so much. I feel good physically and mentally, but yet I find myself second guessing it, not because I feel the need to, but because that is how I have been living. Why do I feel the way I do today? Does every feeling or lack of a definite feeling have to mean something? I worked on cutting out my next pair of pants today and did the wash and the dishes. Things are easy today. Am I making something out of nothing? I am starting to think so. I almost feel that I have been fighting to define myself to myself for so long, and now that I know who I am, the fight is over, but I am so used to fighting that I can’t let it go. I feel sort of an eerie calmness. I find myself trying to make up reasons to fight, but there is nothing left to fight. I somehow feel free to think of other things that have nothing to do with my gender conflict. I will try it and see where it leads.
Why continue to question it if you don’t feel the need to? This is a new feeling and I’m not quite sure what to make of it yet. I’ll have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow to gage it. Maybe I am finally free. I wondered for a long time if someday when I was past my gender conflict through transition if I would feel an inner peace. A peace that would allow me to concentrate my thought and emotional energy on other things other than my inner conflict. The conflict had always used a portion of my energy, and the unused portion was used for the rest of my life. Can I now concentrate on other things without that default amount of energy being taken up?
posted by Christine Cormier @ 5:22 PM
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