Unsicherheit (pr;insecurity)

I’m feeling relatively good today.  I am on vacation until the 9th of January.  I managed to get an appointment with a psychological gutachter, which is a psychiatrist that will supposedly determine whether or not I am truly a transsexual, or just insane.  I hope the former is true.  I think it is anyway.

I have been for-warned that I will have to take a few written tests to rule out other psychological problems as a cause for me feeling this way.  And, of course I will have to take the tests in German.  That should be fun.  When I spoke with the woman that called me to set up the appointment, she seemed very nice and helpful, saying that we will work together to get the testing part done.  That set me at ease.  My friend and advice giver, Petra, explained to me that it is best to meet with a gutachter that is experienced with transsexualism.  Otherwise, there is a possibility that they may try to cure me of it, rather than trying to determine whether I am actually transsexual or not.  My therapist recommended him and he also told me he would talk to him so that he would be expecting my call to set something up.  I am assuming this psychiatrist has had experience with transsexualism and knows the drill.

Petra also mentioned that in theory, the therapist and the psychiatrist that acts as a gutachter should not know, or have contact with each other; as to not influence the determination of the psychiatrist.  Then again, I’m not sure either how much my therapist told him about me.  I’ll find out when I get there tonight at 6pm.  I have to go all the way to Bad Homburg where his office is located.  I am a little nervous about it.  If it goes the right way and he writes a favorable gutachtung (evaluation), then I will be pretty much cleared to be able to have cosmetic and other surgeries, and my insurance company will pay for most of it.  I will probably be given a legal document that states that I am indeed a transsexual.  In Germany this document is very important because it is legally binding and difficult to dispute.

On the other hand, it is also possible that the psychiatrist could come up with several other reasons for why I feel the way I do.  I’m not sure what would happen if this is the case.  I guess I could look at it this way, I would be happy because I wouldn’t have to go through all the pain, loss, and hurt that goes along with transition.  And because I probably would be prohibited from going any further.  The more I rationalize this out, the more I realize this is a very important and very possibly a turning point in my transition, or the end of it.  I have made so much progress in the last six months both mentally and physically.  It is difficult for me to imagine stopping this now.

On Monday night after work I made several phone calls to the states to line up visits next week when I am in Detroit.  After speaking with several people, especially K-Po, I began to feel quite insecure.  I realized after much thought as to why I felt insecure, just how much I have isolated myself from my old life, and compartmentalized my “new” life here.  It’s never been so easy living a double life, and with the preferred single life growing ever closer, things are getting all that much more complicated.  I have attributed my insecurity to my unwillingness to confront my past, which is actually not such a distant past.  The past seven months feel more like seven years.  All the pain, sorrow, and self realization make me who I am today.  I am able however to look upon this time of trial as worthwhile in that I was left to deal with myself one on one without much outside influence.  Everything seems to be working out smoothly, almost a bit too smoothly, so I should count my blessings and be thankful.  I am very thankful.

In the past couple of days I have been trying to gain a little perspective.  Partly I feel I might be being a bit hasty with presenting in public, and don’t want to push my luck.  More insecurity coming through.  I went to my doc’s yesterday in female mode, and the nurse didn’t recognize me at first.  Afterwards I went back home and contemplated washing my face and changing my clothes.  In the end I didn’t, but rather went to the post office to hold my mail and to the Christmas market to do some shopping.  I also did some normal H&B aids shopping, as well as stopped by H&M for a quick look.  I saw a pair of Irregular choice pointy toed flats that I wanted to try on and buy, but didn’t.  I want to go back there and get them before I fly.  They are so cute.  I just have to get past the point where I feel I have to have my guard up all the time.  I suppose it has a lot to do with my confidence level.  I find mostly that it isn’t a big issue when I am out and therefore I need to be more relaxed.

That’s all for now, I need to get into the shower to get ready to go to have my head shrunk.  Wish me luck.  Walking better.

Paris 8e I

I picked up the car at lunchtime and drove it back to the assembly hall.  I loaded all the tools from the tool crib and then went back up to my office to finish the release I was working on.  The date, November 18.  I finished at work and went home to pack my bags and load the rest of my tools in the car.  I discovered that my tool bags seem quite a bit heavier than I remembered.  I printed a route plan to get to the Hotel – Hostellerie L’ille du Saussay, which I was to be staying at.  The Renault tech center is located out in country, due south of Paris.  I got on the road at about 4:30 and arrived in Paris at about ten.  I followed my directions as far as I could and then called Andrew.  He guided me the rest of the way.  I was pissed that I didn’t take the time to re-load the maps on my PDA.  I got there at about midnight.  After checking in Andrew brought over a bottle of Beaujolais which we killed while bullshitting and catching up.  I hadn’t seen or heard from him since I left Detroit last spring.  He is an interesting person, one of those people I just click with.  It seemed as though there was always something interesting to discuss.

The next morning I followed Andrew to Renault.   We went by an auto garage that had five busses behind it, all of them burned out.  What could this mean?  This was only days after all those nights of riots.  We got to Renault and checked in at the reception.  I was able to drive my car onto the property with my tools.  When we arrived at the NVH building I was introduced to Sebastien no.1, Mario, Jean-Christof, Jerome, François, and Jean-Michael.  Once the French people were introduced to me, they all asked whether I was French and also spoke it, because of family name.  I explained that I was second generation American, and that my cousins on my father’s side are Québec quoi.  They were a bit disappointed that I didn’t speak francé, as was I.  I have wanted to learn French for such a long time now.

I finally got down to work.  I took a bunch of measurements of the existing flange in situ.  I found that it had moved down the shaft by about 2mm.  Not good.  This type of flange is mounted on a conical shaft.  The principle is simple, like a door wedge for instance.  The further it is driven between the door and the floor, the tighter it holds.  The distance the flange is driven up the cone shaped shaft, the tighter it holds.  And the opposite is also true, which was apparently what happened.  I also saw evidence that it turned relative to the shaft as it was moving down the cone.  I put a gear puller on it and tried to pull it the rest of the way off.  Theoretically according to my measurements, it should come off fairly easily.  I didn’t want to go too far with it and cause more damage to the shaft.  A minute after I had stopped, a guy from Clemmessy came in and started to tighten the puller, and it broke free.  I took over to take it the rest of the way.  The shaft was totally fucked.

We went to lunch with Sebastien No.1 and Mario in Avrainville, at a pizza restaurant.  The town was really old and the town church was right across the street from the place.  I had a salami pizza with a glass of Bordeaux, and then an espresso of course.  We went back and called Ken in Detroit.  I suggested a measure to at least get the machine running again so they could finish acceptance testing before years’ end.  Replacing the shaft was what I really wanted to recommend.  Ken said he would take my recommendations and speak with the boss.  Meanwhile, Andrew and I were pummeled with questions from the Renault guys.  The root cause I believe was that the screws holding a flywheel to the flange loosened up while running and put a lot of irregular loading on the flange, and that’s what initiated the failure.  There were other symptoms that reinforced my theory.  The guys in Detroit were saying it was because the machine ran in resonance.  Either could be true, or a combination of the both would be more plausible.

We also took a bunch of pictures and sent them back to Detroit.  My suggestion to clean the shaft up by hand and check the fit with the gauge or the new flange was accepted as a plan in principle, but would not be decided at that point.  We were finished there and got ready to go to Paris for the rest of the weekend.  Andrew left his rental car at the train station, where a bunch of gypsies had taken up camp.  I had wondered why the entrance to the parking lot had two columns, just barely wide enough to fit my car through.  It later became apparent that the columns were erected after the gypsies moved in and therefore would prevent them from moving on.  They all had camper trailers and were pilfering electricity from the light posts in the parking lot.  Andrew felt a little worried about theft or vandalism with his rental.  He left it there anyway and we were on our way to Paris.

After checking in and getting settled in my room #13, Andrew brought Ralf with him, a service engineer from DA where I work.  I had met him some time ago, but didn’t really know him too well.  We remembered each other and chatted a little while we were waiting for Andrew to make a phone call.  We headed over to Place Monge to a restaurant for dinner.  We were joined by Andrew’s friend Mark, also from Montreal.  We ate dinner; I had the duck, and drank two bottles of Beaujolais.  Later when we got the check, we realized the wine was 18 euro a bottle.  The same wine in the store would cost at most five euro.  We left there and went to a pub up the street for an eight euro pint of Guinness.  Drink prices are obviously outrageous in Paris.  We said bon soir to Mark and we took a cab to our hotel.

The next morning Ralf and I met for breakfast and Andrew was nowhere to be found.  He came in to the breakfast room as we were finishing.  He had been out looking for a Laundromat to wash some clothes.  We decided that Ralf and I would head over to the Pompidou and Andrew would meet us there by the crazy fountain.  Andrew finally showed up and we went to a café for a coffee.  There were some Mongolian throat singers in the courtyard of the museum.  We got inside and bought our tickets for the exhibition.  They had a huge exhibit of Dadaism, with works from a world of artists.  It was really interesting.  I could see some remnants of Art Nouveau in the works.  The Germans in particular had a lot of social and political critique themed pieces.  A lot of it was backlash from WWI.  It was a bit too much to take in all at once.  We went back down stairs to the permanent exhibits, and quickly went through that.  We were invited to go to Sebastien no.2’s house for dinner that night in Chatou.  On the way back to the hotel we had a paninni and looked at some CD’s and DVD’s.  Andrew and I went to Monoprix to buy a bottle of wine to bring with us to Sebastien’s.  We finally made it to their apartment and were introduced to his very pregnant wife and cute as a button daughter.

We started off with an aperitif, Ricard of course, which I can’t stand.  Abit later Sebastien no.3 showed up with his wife.  Sebastien no.2 had made pizza and salad for dinner.  It was all very good.  We all sat around the table talking and drinking wine.  I took it easy on the alcohol that night.  In speaking with Sebastien no.3, I learned his wife was from the town I visited last may in Bretagne, St Aubin du (fill in family name here).  What a coincidence.  Of all the places that she could be from, she was from that town.  Sebastien no.2 served us a traditional pastry from Bretagne, where they all seemed to come from.  I felt right at home.  I started to feel a little paranoid because the wall at the end of the table had a bunch of mirrors on it, and I caught a glimpse of myself and almost didn’t recognize my face as my own.  I thought what are these people thinking of me, having met me for the first time.  I sometimes feel that the people that have known me for a while don’t notice any change, but people that meet me for the first time now, I think get a little bewildered.  Or at least pick up on something, especially the females.  Then again, I could just be paranoid.

Sebastien no.3 and his wife brought us to the RER Station so we could take the last train back to the city.  Once we got on the platform, we realized the last train had already come and gone.  Andrew asked the ticket clerks what our options were.  They said if went to the next station further out; we could catch a night bus into town.  We tried that and waited for a couple of minutes for the bus.  When none came, we decided to try to catch a cab.  No cabs were around, so Andrew called Sebastien no.2 to come and get us.  Ralf wanted to leave his rental car there rather than parking it in an expensive garage in the city.  Sebastien and his wife brought us back to the car and I proceeded to drive us back to the hotel since I hadn’t had so much to drink.  We ate breakfast together the next morning, and then I started out for home.  I almost ran into another asshole driver by the Arc de Triumph.  Driving in Paris is a nightmare.  The roundabouts can be really dangerous if you don’t know how to navigate them.  I made it home by six pm.  Marion had called me and left a message for me to call her back.

I called Marion and we decided to go to the Locales so I could get something to eat.  She had a lot on her mind about school and work.  She is at the point in her schooling where she must do an internship of sorts.  She had applied at a company that makes dentists’ drills and had been on an interview.  They offered her the position.  She had also spoken with Jens, who offered for her to go to the other company and do the internship, with the possibility to come back to us and continue afterwards.  It seemed like a dream come true, but she was undecided whether or not to take the other position.  I saw it as an exciting opportunity to experience a totally different type of engineering and a different company with a different atmosphere.  I tried not to tell her what to do, but rather reasoned out the pros and cons of each option, because in the end it is her decision to make.  If it were me I would have done it.

The following week I had three days of presentations with the Japanese to sit through and also present.  I felt bad because I hadn’t done much to prepare for the presentations that I and my partner Doris were to give on our CAD support role and how we use the software.  The Japanese ended up being about a half a day late, having missed a connection somewhere.  Doris tried to cleverly allow me to slip away from the freaky consultants that were holed up in my office waiting for me to pummel me with stupid questions.  Thank heaven for Doris. I left early the first day to go to my shrink appointment in Ffm.  I went home and got changed and applied makeup.  I made it to the train and to my appointment on time.  I could tell Jerry had to do a double take when he greeted me at the door.  He recovered nicely though.  I hadn’t seen him for some time.  I went home afterwards and worked on my presentation.

Tuesday’s presentations went off without a hitch.  I was invited to a conference call with the upper management both here and in Detroit.  Beforehand, I was to speak one on one with the president here to brief him on what happened at Renault, so that he could understand what the situation was.  My supervisor, Jens, said he wanted to join us so that I wouldn’t have to reiterate.  I think the president was a little perturbed at first, but allowed it anyway.  I gave him the facts and it seemed as though he already had preconceived notions that the Detroit office doesn’t know what they are doing in designing machines.  I became a bit angry with his attitude, but then we were off to the conference call.  They talked about assigning project managers and such and then came time for me to recite my observations while at site and my opinion of the root cause.  I sat right next to our new Japanese co-president, who seemed a bit astonished that I could speak such good English and that I was an American.  I also made recommendations on how to repair the damage and heat shrink a new flange on the shaft.

After my commentary, I kept quiet as they discussed who would do the work and when.  My managers here asked the guys from Detroit who would be best to send to do the job.  The guys from Detroit named me as the only person they trusted to do the work and that I had done the same thing before.  The president here reluctantly agreed to let me go back to Renault to complete the work.  Yes!  I had just won another trip to Paris.  After the conference call Jonathan E. thanked me for my efforts and support and also the president thanked me for the briefing I had given him earlier.  Afterwards I took the tram to Eberstadt to meet the Japanese for dinner at the Almhutte.  That was a pretty good time.

Wednesday, the presentations were for shit.  The guys from Puttlingen were supposed to have prepared some presentations, but did nothing.  We were left to our own devises to present on a software data vault system that the Puttlingers had developed.  Useless assholes…When questions came from the Japanese, they answered in German and looked at us the whole time.  I became very angry and disappointed that they screwed us and made us look bad in front of the Japanese.  Later that day I was asked to give a real time demonstration of how we use our CAD software.  Thursday and Friday I worked on an FEA for Mr. Seidl.  I went to the Christmas market in the center of town with Helmut and Klaus on Friday night, and froze my little tootsies off.

Marion and Christiane had invited me for dinner on Saturday night.  I got all dolled up for them and headed over on my bike.  They were astounded when I walked through their door.  Christiane had never seen me wearing makeup, and for Marion the first and last time was back in summer 2001.  The complemented me on how nice I looked, and that they had the feeling that I was really a woman to them now.  That felt good.  They made fondue for dinner with a nice salad.  We enjoyed some wine with the dinner.  Afterwards Marion went to bed early and Christiane and I killed the two bottles of wine together.  She said I was an attractive frau.  I left there at about one am.

I had planned on meeting Linda on Sunday to go see a movie in Ffm.  I took the train to NI where Linda picked me up.  We ended up seeing the exorcism of Emily rose.  Kind of scary, but in the end there was some comfort to the whole story. We went to dinner afterwards in NI at a Greek restaurant.  Linda brought me home after dinner.  Monday evening I had to go to visit my shrink and then afterwards I took the train back to NI where Linda picked me up again.  We went to NI center mall to do some shopping.  Linda bought another sweater at the plus size store, and then we went to H&M.  I wanted to get some more bras and maybe a sweater or two.  We picked out a bunch of bras and I went into the dressing room to try them on.  I could hear Linda asking the sales girl about an outfit.  Linda opened the door to the dressing room and handed me a skirt suit to try on.  I asked her if she could find me a larger jacket, which she did.  The skirt was fitted with a flounce at the hem.  The jacket was also fitted with a shall collar and a removable fur collar.  I tried it on and it fit almost too well.  I could actually fit into stuff off the rack! And fill it out in the right places.  I decided I would buy it.  The skirt is an eight and the jacket a size twelve.  I have never been able to fit into an eight in a bottom, ever.  We went to Deichmans to look at shoes and I found pointed toe loafers with a kitten heel and tassels.  The color is a burgundy and they match the suit perfectly.  Score!  After shopping we went to the Kebap house around the corner from my apartment.  The real suave guy wasn’t working, but he ended up stopping by for a couple of minutes while we ate.  I think he eventually recognized me, but was real subtle about it.  I tried the suit on again when I got home and ogled at myself in the mirror for like a half hour.  I was a bit freaked out about how much my body has changed in the last eight or nine months.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  How is it possible that I could look so good in such clothing?

I was invited to go to jens’ house on Wednesday evening along with Helmut and Klaus for wine and cheese.  I decided I was going to go in female mode.  I assumed it was only going to be me and Helmut, but as I was getting ready, Helmut called to tell me they were on their way.  I had asked Jens earlier in the day if it was ok if I was to come in female mode, and he said to come as I feel myself comfortable.  I was a little worried about Pascal, his teenage stepson.  I asked Helmut when he called to try to prepare Klaus for what he was about to experience.  When I got into the car Klaus said that he had a friend some time ago that had transitioned and that it wasn’t a new thing for him.  That put me at ease.  I rang the doorbell at Jens’ house and Pascal answered the door.  His eyes lit up when he laid eyes on me.  I could tell he wasn’t expecting that, and how could he.  Apparently Jens didn’t say anything to him at all.  We had an interesting evening talking and drinking wine and eating cheese.  I noticed when I got home that my teeth were stained from the wine.  It looked really funny.  I had a wonderful time.

I think this catches me up on the events of the past month.  I realize it is a lot to take in all at once, but there, now it is finished and I will try to keep up a little better in the coming weeks.  The chronology of my last three or four recent posts is screwed up a bit, sorry.  I hope it is easily sorted out.

I’m feeling very well lately aside from being exhausted.  

Paris 8e II

Right, so Ken and I decided to try to find something to eat.  I had called Andrew again to ask him where we went to eat the last time I was there (Paris).  We ended up just finding something close to our hotel.  It was kind of a cheesy café, but the food was decent.  I got a salad, half a baked herbed chicken, and a desert which I cannot remember, so it must not have been very good.  We went for a walk around afterwards and found an Irish pub called Brady’s.  We stopped in for a pint of Guinness, which was very creamy and yummy.  We retired and met for breakfast the next morning in the hotel restaurant.  We decided to go see La Chapelle and the Pantheon.  All public things were for free for all of Sunday for some reason, bonus.  Even the public toilets were free.  Ken and I walked back to the hotel from St. Michael, passing by the Louvre and lots of wonderful shopping.  I didn’t feel right to drag Ken into a store to do some shopping.

We rested for a little while back at the hotel and then met to go out for dinner.  We took the metro to Place Monge and walked up the street to the restaurant alley.  We decided on Le Pot de Terre.  They had a roasted rack of lamb on the plats du jour. The place was decorated like a medieval tavern probably would have looked.  The wait staff was very nice and also very casual.  We got there at about eight, and by nine the place was filled.  I started off with a creamed mussels casserole, the succulent lamb, and then fried ice cream with chocolate sauce.  And I had an espresso of course.  I wanted to try something different so I had a half bottle of Cotes du Rhone, rouge.  It was very strong and full bodied.  It went well with the lamb.  We tried to get a pint at the Irish pub but it was closed.  I was dreading what we were to do the next day.

We met for breakfast at seven.  We were on the road to Poissy where our French office is located by seven thirty.  I missed the correct turn again on the way out of the city in the direction of La Defense.  It was ok though because we could drive due north and get there easily.  We got the part fixed and balanced with the help of some nice people from our French office.  I spoke with Sebastien no. 3 again for a couple of minutes and then we took off for Lardy.  I was getting pretty good at navigating by then, but my PDA overall was an invaluable tool while in France.  We made it to Lardy by about five o’clock to install the new flange.  Andy was there waiting for us.  I got the hot plate set up immediately and then got everything else ready.  One by one, the Clemmesy and Renault guys all showed up to look at our crude but highly effective equipment.  They were making jokes like asking if I was really going to cook them soup or something.

They all acted like they had never experienced a piece of steel being heated to expand it so it can be shrunk onto a larger piece of steel.  The moment of truth came in about an hour of heating.  It slid on nicely for something heated to 625 degrees F.  In an instant it had cooled enough to shrink onto the shaft.  The French guys were amazed at how quickly it happened.  If you are not quick enough, it will cool before it goes on all the way, which is a bad, bad thing.  I was lucky though, it went perfect.  We checked the run outs and they were within tolerance.  The customer and his entourage were pleased and all promptly left.  We packed up and left.  We went to dinner at a really tacky Thai restaurant.  Afterwards Ken and I drove back to Paris to our hotel.  We walked to Brady’s to get a couple of celebratory pints of Guinness.

I went down to breakfast and met up with Ken after I finished eating.  We chatted for a little while in the lobby while he waited for his shuttle to the airport.  After he left I checked out and loaded my bags into the car.  That done, I went back across the street to Monoprix to buy some wine and cheese.  I went crazy and bought a bottle of Beaujolais, Cotes du Rhone rouge, Cotes du Rhone Rose, two Bordeaux’s, a Medoc, and a Chardonnay.  I also bought some nice Cheddar cheese.  I bought some fashion mags and a couple of two euro scarf/shalls from the sidewalk vendors.  I then left for home.  The BMW I was driving was like floating on a cloud.  That is such a nice car.  I made it home last night at about 8p.  I didn’t want to leave.  I want to learn French and move to Paris.  I have decided that the French lifestyle suits me better than the Germans.  

Paris 8e

I just got home from yet another exciting trip to France.  Voila.  I noticed this time that the French seem to use that word a lot.  It’s one of those all purpose words.  I like it and think I will use it.  I have driven about 1700 km since Thursday.  I drove out to Paris last Thursday evening.   I left DA at five, but didn’t end up finding my hotel until around midnight.  I was lost for about an hour in Le Blanc Mesnil until I found the crappy hotel.

Friday morning I went to Charles de Gaul airport to pick up Ken, who had flown in from Detroit.  I’m not really sure why they had him come all the way here…I did most of the work, and the driving.  We drove from the airport to Renault in Lardy.  We were kind of late getting there, but it worked out ok.  We met a group of people from DA that were about to drive all the way back.  We got checked in and unloaded all the tools I had brought with me.  Ken had the new flange with him in his luggage.  I began to stone the damaged shaft while Ken was cornered and interrogated by three guys from Renault.  I felt bad for him, because they weren’t being very fair with him.  He was earning his trip to Paris.  I had never actually done exactly what they wanted me to do before, but I had a good idea and plenty of advice on how to do it.  I was worried that I would fail.  We worked until about 7pm that night and then drove to Dourdan, where our hotel was located.

Dourdan turned out to be quite an interesting little town.  Our hotel was located right behind the church which was right next to the castle.  In front of all that was a very old market place.  We ate dinner at a restaurant up a side street somewhere.  We did the three course meal.  I had the salad with foix gras, smoked ham, and either sautéed chicken kidneys or livers.  I’m not sure what I was eating but it tasted damned good.  For the main course I had the filet mignon with scalloped potatoes, and for desert crème broulet.  It was all very good, especially with the half litre of Bordeaux I ordered.  When we left the hotel the next morning the market square was abuzz with shopping excitement.  We made to Lardy to meet Richard.

We did some last minute things before trying to assemble the tooling to the new flange.  I felt it was as good as it was going to get, so I sat down with the tooling and the new flange.  The flange has an asymmetrical hole pattern in it to prevent parts from being assembled to it in the incorrect orientation.  I tried to line up the plate with the holes and wasn’t able to.  Ken tried and failed also.  We tried some adapters that we knew worked before and those didn’t line up either.  The hole pattern was wrong.  I felt like throwing the flange across the parking lot.  We were stopped dead in our tracks.  Come to find out later, the inspection report caught the incorrect hole pattern, but approved the part just the same.  What were we to do?  We decided to have the flange modified since there was still room to add another pattern.  But we would have to wait until Monday to use a shop that my company’s French office uses.

We left and drove into Paris to our hotel, Rochambeau.  Paris is wonderful, even when it is cold and rainy.  That’s all I have the energy to write for now, I will try to finish the story of my travels tomorrow.

Anstrengend

I am going crazy with my work.  Also this living a double life shit really is starting to suck.  I am supposed to drive back to Paris tomorrow so I can stay overnight near Charles de Gaulle airport to be there early Friday to Pick up Ken.  Ken is flying in from Detroit, from the office where I used to work.  We will both drive to Renault, get this, in a BMW 500 hundred series.  I can’t wait to go back to Paris.  I need to catch up on my writing when I get back.  I still haven’t written about the last time I was there.  The last couple of weeks have been quite hectic.