irrationalization

I think these people are going to try to kick me out of my seats. I am being a bit greedy by hogging a whole table and four seats. They did it. oki. I am going to just ignore them. The two guys sat across from me and left the woman that they are with in a row of two seats alone. Not very nice to me. I can’t even stretch my fucking legs. Bastards! There are a lot of obnoxious people on this train that are already irritating me and we are only ten minutes into the journey. Sucky. I hope they get out in Koeln. It would seem these people don’t make it out much. The people on the other side of the aisle left the table free and the guys looked over and thought about moving but decided to stay and bother me. I moved so that I could at least stretch my legs. I have given them enough press already. I walked by a group of obviously American guys that were being really obnoxious. I don’t understand why Americans in Europe always seem to speak a lot louder and therefore automatically stand out. I think it is done on purpose to somehow let everyone in earshot to

I wish I would have had time to get some dinner. I’m really hungry. Thankfully I have lots of biscotti with me to munch on. I just hope there is some left when I get to hamsterdam. I have also two loaves of saatenbrot with me that I bought to feed the Kr0c with. She wants to chew on me real bad, and I am looking forward to it.

I’m listening to the beasties and it is giving me a bad attitude. I am wearing my black Katzenjammer Kabaret baby-T with a black city denim mini and striped over knee socks that the aQuanUn gave me with purple tights underneath, and to complete the look my black vogs boots. I feel nice and sexy and hope the kRoC likes it too. I’m fairly certain she will.

Oki, I just had to change trains completely. The first train out of Ffm was a total mess and then on the way to koeln the toilets stopped working completely. The Deutsche Bahn is really getting bad. At leas this time I didn’t have to stand in wind and rain in the middle of nowhere. I even had time to have a smoke in between. It was a hassle, but at least we left koeln on time even with the switch. The loud Americans as it turns out are more than likely soldiers. I have a feeling they will be looking at me every time one of them goes to get a bier or to the toilet. I’ve been through it before. maybe I should show some leg just to make it interesting for them.

I participated in my first aikido for beginner’s session last night with christiane. It was nice, and Anita sensei was very friendly and helpful. She asked me if I had done any aikido before, I confirmed, and she said that she could tell by how I was able to do the backwards rolling fall. I felt like I did in fact learn something at the workshop, and I felt more relaxed and therefore was able to really get the flow of the movements. I guess my Ki was flowing well. The partners that I practiced with were nice and concentrated as well. I took the chance and washed my new keikogi and let it air dry overnight. It shrunk quite a bit and ended up fitting relatively well. I just need to learn to tie my belt tighter so it doesn’t move and also fix my pants so that they don’t fall down. I ended sweating a bit which felt nice as well. Somehow I was able to sit in the kneeling position without a problem. I will go again on Monday night possibly also christiane will come too. I plan on going to practice at least three times a week, maybe more. I’ll see what is possible. It seems according to the schedule that I was given yesterday, that there are beginners sessions every weeknight. The schedule on the internet is more limited than the flyer she gave us last night. If it is true, that will be nice, since I may have other obligations, like psychotherapy for instance.

kasselerbraten

I am on my way to VW Kassel again. I was told yesterday late morning that I won another trip to the chaos of the machine installation site. I have had so much to do lately both at work and privately. I am in the final stages of the process of submitting my request for coverage of the costs for surgery. I have had the chance to read the psychological evaluation in all its gory detail, and make comments and request revisions. I am thankful to have that opportunity. I also will be beginning aikido training tonight at the dojo around the corner from me. I have also been trying to get my bike back in order. I bought a low resistance generator so that I will have lights that work again. I am baking biscotti twice a week with lots of almonds and chocolate chips and with rice syrup instead of refined sugar.

Today went fairly well, I have made all my trains and they were on time as well. At VW all went good as well. I unloaded all the many kilos of screws that I smuggled in my bag to the guys installing my machines. We were a bit late to go to lunch so all that was left in the cafeteria to eat was a shitty salami pizza with way too much bell pepper on it. I hate bell pepper. Everyone was nice to me and in a good mood too. I will have to go back there next week to discuss the next project. The next project is a copy of what they are installing now. I got a nice bonus today, I found some missing special screws that we need badly for the machine that we are trying to assemble. Somehow they were shipped to site and were just lying around the test cell. We were discussing something else when the box caught my eye. There are still two other sets of screws that are missing so we just ordered more. So far it was a goed day.

I received my keikogi, japanese for training suit, yesterday night and I decided to take a chance and wash it. It seemed at first a bit large, but after doing some research online for tips from women on how to deal with the keikogi bagginess, I found a trick to get rid of some of the bulk. I am excited because tonight is the first beginner training session in which I will participate. Christiane is going to come with me hopefully. I spoke with her last night about it and she will meet me a half hour before so we can go there together. I am so glad that the aquanun asked me to go to the workshop in hamsterdam. I did some reading online that Itsuo Tsuda wrote. I found it interesting that he stated that one should not push others to do the respiratory practice, but to rather wait until one is ready to return to more of a natural existence and to seek knowledge of oneself. Then the respiratory practice will have the intended effect on the mind and body. I feel like I am exactly at that point. Since I have met the nuN01 I have been living somewhat healthier, and I have also out of frustration with my doctors decided to take my own health into my hands and to treat myself naturally. I am glad I did. The results make me feel really nice. The practice of katsugen undo and aikido are a nice complement to my new state of being. I am really looking forward to starting aikido tonight. I think I will do it three times a week if possible. I have already noticed a difference.

survival kit

I survived yet another electrolysis session. She was rushing to get me finished because she didn’t plan enough time to be thorough. And as a consequence caused me more pain than normal. I also wanted to do my chest and around my areola but she told me she wouldn’t have time. It stung a bit when I thought about the last week walking around with relatively long hair, although scarce, but still noticeable at close proximity, between my breasts. I made sure to tell her to plan enough time next treatment to do my other areas.

I went to an aikido workshop last weekend in hamsterdam. The program was basically aikido for 1.5 hours, a 20 minute break, and then katsugen undo for 1.5 hours. The aikido was difficult on my body, especially my feet and knees. I was not used to having to sit in a kneeling position so therefore the skin on the tops of my feet and knees were raw and the muscles and tendons stretched too far. The katsugen undo was the main reason I went to the workshop. I made it through all of it without missing anything, so I have a nice sense of accomplishment. I should since it all brought me close to death and I survived it.

I was warned to be cautious with the katsugen undo because it has the potential to work against my transition. I did four sessions over the weekend and also in the past two nights here in my living room. I’m not totally sure if what I am feeling is from the katsugen undo already, but I seem to have a new approach to stressful situations. I have had three separate instances this week where someone called me totally stressed out and started to lay some shit on me. I was able somehow to shield myself from their projection. I was able to stay calm and cooperative and reassuring that we are doing the best we can and that it will work out. I don’t seriously think it will all work out, but I try to be positive anyway. I am able to accept things better, and to therefore not get stressed about things I cannot influence. I feel more of a sense of calm and peacefulness, and clarity that is scaring me.

for the first couple of days after the workshop I was wondering if I would continue the aikido. The katsugen undo I will continue for sure, as long as I don’t notice any problems. I decided yesterday that I would continue with the aikido, and tonight I realized why. aikido and katsugen undo seem to belong together somehow. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be part of a system that has masters one must answer to. I like to look at it as a teacher-student relationship, and not necessarily as an authority or dominate-submissive relationship. The focus was on feeling rather than thinking. Between my new found good health and now katsugen undo too, I feel so good and have so much energy.

There are lots of things I need to get accomplished so I am not going to have much free time or the next foreseeable future. I am thinking I might try to go to aikido three times a week and do katsugen undo when I have time in the evening or morning. I ordered a training kimono online yesterday from a place in Ffm. christi told me that she wanted to try aikido the last time I saw her. I want to get in touch with her this weekend to tell her my plans and to see if she still wants to do it. Even if she decides not to do it, I will continue. I am thankful for my girlfriend, that she has shown me the way. Grazie amore mio dolce.

I would like to write more but I have to cook dinner, eat, write two emails, and finish writing a script for the product line manager on the dual clutch machine I designed for vw. He will be reading my text in a video tomorrow with the machine that he knows nothing about. I guess he doesn’t have to when he has lackeys around like me. The original due date on the writing wasn’t until first week in march, then it was the 27^th, and this morning it became today. I started writing it at about noon and had to leave at four thirty with three quarters of a page. I need to write about the test procedures that the customer plans to perform with the machine. I should be really stressed but I am not, and that feels nice.

don’t let me forget to write about the ambulance mafia experience. ciao!