Chrissy's river of action

My Blog is an outlet for my thoughts and feelings that would otherwise remain unexpressed.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Heidelberg revisited (again...)

Two weeks ago Thursday I went to dinner with Helmut after work.  We hadn’t been out together, just him and I, for some time now.  We went to an Indian restaurant in Gross Umstadt near where KPo and I used to live.  I had taken Steve from Detroit there about a month ago, but Helmi and I had been talking about going there since the end of summer.  The couple that runs the place makes you feel right at home, and the food is excellent.  We talked about a lot of different things and were very relaxed.

I had seen Marek and the guys from Honda, Steve and Dean, earlier in the week in a conference room near where I was working.  I met them in the Lobby at about five-thirty to give them their company gifts and to discuss when I would pick them up.  I still had a couple of things to do at that point, so they walked back to their hotel to wait for me.  I picked them up at about seven and we headed to Sachsenhausen, in Ffm.  On the ride there, all of them were full of questions about what it is like to live here.  We managed to get a table at Germania and had some ebbelwoi and some traditional German food.  We left there and went back to DA to the Grohe for some beers. Steve ended up somehow talking to some really drunk people at the next table.  One of the guys at the table wanted Steve to trade pants with him and was relatively persistent about it.  Trade pants?  That is mildly disturbing and very bizarre at the same time.  We closed that place and I drove them back to their hotel, where we had Hefeweizens.  Marek went to bed at about 1am, but Steve and I stayed up drinking and bullshitting until 4am.  I was supposed to pick them up at ten.  Shit!

I got up at 9:30 and tried to bring myself to function.  I arrived at their hotel at 10:30.  Not bad, since I felt as if I were going to die.  The mixture of ebbelwoi, pils, and Hefe was a very, very, very bad idea.  Dean was checking his email in the lobby when I got there.  Steve hadn’t come down yet.  Dean went up to get him and we were off to Heidelberg.  Hangovers really suck.  I was determined to follow through with my commitment to Marek however.  We arrived in my favorite park house finally, and I lost my cookies in the bathroom.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  I sat down for a couple of minutes when we got outside.  We went over to the bridge and then to the mountain train to go up to the castle.  Of course the train was having technical difficulties, so we took the stairs, all 370 some odd.  Half way up I broke out in a cold sweat, not good.  We saw the castle and the wine cask, blah, blah, blah…

I drove us back to DA and dropped them at their hotel so I could go home and relax a bit and take a nap.  Marek called and we set up a time to meet later for dinner.  I slept for a bit and then went to pick them up again.  They wanted to go to Bochshaut, another traditional german restaurant.  One can only eat so much traditional german food.  I suffered through it, and then Marek wanted to take them to the Darmstadter brewery.  Darmstadter beer is like rolling rock, migraine headache beer.  I still felt like shit and desperately needed sleep.  I took them back to their hotel, which by the way I can see from my apartment.  I stupidly agreed to take them to the airport, which meant two trips.  I really have to learn how to say no.

I arrived home after playing taxi and decided to take Linda for a drive through the Odenwald.  I picked her up at about twelve thirty and we headed south.  It was a nice day for a drive, sunny and cool.  I took her to the roman stone chairs in Haingrund.  She enjoyed that very much.  She had never been in the Odenwald before.  We finished the day at Burger King stuffing our faces with junk food.

On Monday, I had to deal with the two freaks in my office constantly drilling me with questions.  Doris ran interference for me by asking me to come up to her office to work on our presentations for the next week.  She is the best.  I left work early to go home and change to go to see my shrink in Ffm.  I was changed, and sufficiently feminized in less than an hour.  I got to my appointment on time, which is miraculous.  Jerry opened the door and I could tell at first he thought I was someone else.  He recovered nicely though.  That was the first time he has seen me in female mode.  I had a good session, as I spent the fifty minutes telling him how good I was feeling despite my job.  I left him and was off to meet Linda at Hauptwache to do some shopping.

I met Linda and we went to the Bemble store.  They have all traditional German stoneware which is come to find out quite expensive.  Linda and I picked out four Bembles for Sandi and had them packed for shipment.  The place is a family joint and apparently has been so for about fifty years.  The two old ladies that ran the place were really nice and cute.  We then went to a plus size clothing store so Linda could buy some new duds.  I was uninspired by the clothes because they didn’t have anything small enough to fit me.  I saw a lot of bras that I could fit my head into the cup.  That finished, Linda drove me back to DA.  We went to eat at Haso Kebap house, but the suave waiter guy wasn’t working that night.  At first I was a little hesitant to go in there, but quickly got my nerve and we stayed to eat.  Some drunken Turk kept staring at me and Linda.  He kept inching closer to her on the bench along the wall.  We left there and walked to my house.  Lindy Lou went home and I went to bed.

The post previous to this one actually chronologically comes before this post.  I’m sorry to have made this so complicated.  After posting the previous post, I received a call from Jason from my Detroit office.  He warned me that I was being slated to go to Renault in France to work on a machine.  Somehow the guys in Detroit got the funny idea that I can remove shaft flanges better than anyone else in our worldwide organization.  Plus Renault requested we send an engineer from the states.  I was relatively close and seemed like a good patsy.  I could hardly wait…I’ll write about the last week and a half tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Original or Extra Crispy?

I have decided to break the silence tonight.  Chrissy is in pain and I feel like crying.  I feel like going to sleep in effort to end this terrible day.  It all started more or less with me only minutes after waking and remembering that I left my bike at the Bahnhof.  I debated on getting my other bike out of the cellar, only to remember that it doesn’t have fenders.  It was in an instant clear that I had to retrieve my bike from the Bahnhof.  I decided to take the strassenbahn to the Bahnhof because it was cold and windy and looking like rain.

I rode all the way over to my doc’s office for my estrogen shot.  The whole ride there I was thinking that I need a hat, or at least something to cover my ears.  I had a dull headache that I was hoping the shot would take care of.  A different nurse gave me my shot today.  She looks like a throwback from the 80’s with the spiky frosted tips and the leopard print sweater.   She has a very good bedside manner though.  She told me before she sank the needle and asked if I was okay with it.  Once it is in, all I feel is a slight burning sensation deep in my flesh.  I left with the warm tingly feeling that I have come to enjoy.  It didn’t seem so cold out anymore.  I felt like I was walking on cloud for a few minutes.  On the ride to work I realized I left my ID at home.  Bummer, I decided to go home and get it.  It started to feel colder outside again.

I got to work and was met by the two freaky consultants that have taken over my once quiet office.  They are supposed to be there to help us “design to cost”, it would help however if we actually had defined cost targets to achieve.  The point would be that I would be able to work closely with them, but in reality I don’t have any extra time to fuck around with these guys.  I have more than enough work to keep me busy every hour of the day up until and beyond when I go on vacation in December.  I was met with a barrage of questions as soon as I entered my office.  I hadn’t even had the chance to log onto my pc and it was already ten.  The whole time I was thinking to myself that I don’t have time for this and I needed to find a way to make it stop.

I basically got nothing constructive done today at work, only blah-blah all day long.  I am supposed to be helping Doris with the presentations that we are to give next week.  I absolutely must get a couple of things done tomorrow.  I left work at four thirty to go home and shave to get ready for my next ELOS treatment.  I went outside to get my bike only to find pouring cold rain.  I was soaked by the time I got to the doc’s office, and it is only two blocks away.  I had them apply Emla today to help with the pain.  The nurse that applied the Emla was very nice.  She did a good job covering it with saran wrap and everything.  I had the doc turn up the power a little.  The first time he did it on 30 joules and this time 32.  I didn’t feel much while he was frying my face, but mensch am I feeling it now.  It did damage.  I could feel it only when it got something deeper than the numbness, which I am hoping was hair follicles.  I had him do around my nipples and between my breasts also.  My right nipple still stings a bit.

Since the Emla wore off I feel like a piece of fried chicken.  I cooled my skin with a cold pack, but immediately afterwards it really stung for a half hour.  My face and neck will no doubt be all lumpy and swollen tomorrow.  I don’t see any black burnt spots like I did last time, but I can feel several spots that are still stinging.  Not a good sign.   I hope this time really does the job.  I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  I hope you are really sure all this is worth all the pain.  I feel spent right now as enduring pain tends to draw out the old endorphins.  Imagine having to lie perfectly still while being zapped repeatedly for an hour or so.

I fantasized today at lunch about just getting up and leaving, never turning to look back.  I am under constant stress right now and I don’t like it.  The days are going by faster now anyway, even if I am accomplishing less.  I am totally looking forward to going back to the states for Xmas.  I need to somehow make it through the current onslaught.

I need to finish this now, but first I will use a technique sweet trini taught me, write a list of the things left to write about.  Here goes:

Marek and the customers from Honda
Heidelberg and losing my cookies
Drive with Linda through the Odenwald
Visiting my shrink Jerry
Bembles for Sandi
Shopping with Linda
Haso kebab haus
Dinner with Helmut
Email to Jason and Elise

There.  Now I have no excuse not to remember.  These are important times that I want a complete record of.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

bitty pout

Today, all in all, ended up being a good day, mostly.  After I finished my post earlier this, er, yesterday morning, I became irritable while trying to decide what to wear.  I was trying to piece together an outfit to go with my new Camper boots.  I really need to make some new clothes.  Trying to decide if I was to go to Linda’s already dressed or change there was adding to the growing hysteria.  I finally decided to wear a black turtleneck sweater and my tapered jeans, cuffed up of course to show off the new boots.  This time of year is always hard to judge how heavy of a jacket to wear, so that absorbed yet more time.  I decided to blow dry my hair today, trying out the new product I had bought the weekend before.  Big mistake, more on that later.  I decided I would do my makeup at Linda’s, and was off to the Bahnhof with only minutes to spare to catch the S3.  I was cutting it really close as I bought my ticket and ran down the stairs.  I was able to make it to the second car before I heard the “bitte einfahrt” (german for all aboard) call.  I was almost hoping I missed it because by then I was really irritable and therefore bitchy.  I wanted so bad just to tear something apart.  I was in a very foul mood indeed.

Linda was waiting for me at the train station in NI.   She’s such a good person and friend.  We were then off to the VW dealer so she could have her winter tires put on her car.  I waited outside in the car for a few minutes trying to tame my puff-ball, frizzed-out hair, and then went in to find her.  I really didn’t feel like dealing with a car dealership at the moment, but it was ok in the end.  They had a little coffee bar set up and a place to sit.  I felt totally comfortable being out in public in female mode without make-up.  She got her car back and we were off to evil Walmart.   The Wm in NI is enormous.  They had so many more products than the one here in DA.  I managed to buy some new undies and the ever elusive knee socks.

I have performed sort of a little gender clues research today, and in the past few weekends.  The first time I went to Ffm to do some shopping, I went in androgynous dress.  I noticed some mild staring from the hordes of shoppers.  Linda remarked that she observed the sales guy at Camper seem as if he couldn’t distinguish how to approach me, it didn’t help that I was standing directly at the split between the men’s and women’s shoes.  The second time I went to Ffm shopping, I wore make-up and some pointy toed shoes.  I got some staring action, but felt really comfortable.  Today I went dressed totally female but without make-up.  Most people I was around today didn’t even give me second look.  I did wear my hair down though.  If most of the gender clues are there, long hair, earrings, feminine physique, etcetera, one can seemingly go unnoticed.  It’s as if a subconscious gender determination is made.  It’s only when this determination can’t be made that a conscious interest is raised.  I believe it troubles some not to be able to tell the difference.  I guess I am becoming more confident in my appearance and therefore more confident in general.  My improved body image helps too.

This also presents another problem.  Now that I am going out in public more, the more anxious I become to finally live my dream.  I hope I can keep the impatience under wraps.  I need to do this right.  My opposition to wearing baggy clothes for work is peaking.  I can only imagine that in the coming future I will only wear those clothes during working hours.  I am finally starting to like myself.  I have never known this feeling before.  I was never happy with my body and who I am psychologically.  That is all changing for the better.

I am reminded of a radio commercial byline from a men’s suit wholesaler, “You’re going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.”  I do, I do indeed.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Hectic

Things are starting to heat up around here.  I wrote a couple of days ago that the next couple of months would become hectic.  It’s already starting.  I will surely be ready for vacation by the time the 13th of December rolls around.  It’s only five weeks away, and I have much to do both at work and at home.

At work I have to give another presentation, and attend a week’s worth of bullshit for the Japanese once again.  I never should have “volunteered” for the position of CAD (computer aided design) support.  The week of presentations will be concerning our CAD system, MRP (material requirements planning) system, and also FEA (finite element analysis) system.  I have the next two weeks to get prepared, together with Doris, my counterpart.  Then there’s the development project I brought over here for.  I will actually be producing something, someday.  I also have a real project for a paying customer, Audi in Neckarsulm.  I have many parts to release for manufacture so that we can keep schedule.  I have been also asked to do a shaft natural frequency calc for a brake testing machine that has really bad resonances, so bad that they have trouble controlling the machine.  Then there are the bearing failures at Opel in Ruesselsheim.  Four machines failed within weeks of each other.  Opel is a little pissed to say the least.  The machines were installed only four years ago.  I didn’t design the machines, but now I have to fix them.  My colleagues in the Detroit office have also been on me for the last two weeks to help them in dealing with a German supplier where a failure occurred.  I told them I would help them, but as you can imagine after reading what’s on my plate, I haven’t been very efficient at getting them info.  I think I have to learn to say no more often.  I will undoubtedly be working hours like a mad woman in the coming weeks.

The painter came on Tuesday to fix the wallpaper and to paint the living room.  I got to choose the colors at least.  He had to paint the walls and ceiling twice to cover the diesel soot.  At least now almost everything is out of the living room and I plan to rent a carpet cleaning machine and shampoo the carpet in there.  Now is the time to do it.  I will check into where an how much it costs to rent one for a weekend.  I think I will also re-arrange my bedroom furniture, to make better use of the space.  I had the painter paint the two outside walls, that are mostly windows, white, and the inner walls a lilac color.  It has too much blue in it, or at least the hue is not exactly what I was looking for.  I’m glad someone else had to do it, because I hate painting.  The building management paid for the work too, finally.  I have been only waiting since the end of May for them to do it.  I also need to fix the wall in the shower, and re-anchor the handle into the wall.  I also want to paint the rest of the apartment at some point.

On Tuesday I went first to my doc for my hormone shots.  She must have done something different this time, because one side tinged a bit as soon as she sank the needle in my flesh.  I always get a little worried that it will leak out, but in reality that can’t happen.  They sink the needle in the whole length, or about an inch or so.  After that I went to my health insurance office to ask about a Gutachter (psychiatrist) that speaks English and deals with TS patients.  I don’t think she understood what I was asking.  I will be seeing my therapist again the 14th, so I will quiz him on it then.  Maybe he can help me out.  I visited the city hall for my last stop.  I spoke with a young woman at the immigration office regarding name change procedure.  She made it sound too easy.  But then again, I am only changing my first and middle names, and not my last name.  She said that as soon as I have my new passport from the embassy that I should come and change my name with them.  I asked specifically whether or not they would contact my job for any reason.  She made it sound like all they would have to do is re-print the stickers that they put in my passport, and stick them in the new one.  But before visiting them, I have to go to the Wohn-und-meldeamt to have them change my name there.  Everyone is required to register with the town or city that they live in, so the government can track you.  They also issue the tax cards (equivalent to the US W-2), so I should ask if they would require me to give a replacement card with my new name to my company.  I also left a message for the lawyer that represented KPo in our divorce.  I’m not sure if it is really necessary to have a lawyer on retainer to facilitate the process, so I posed to question.  I haven’t heard back from her yet.

I also just realized that if I get a new passport with a feminine name and also a feminine picture to match, I will have to travel in female mode from then on.  That could get a little dicey, should I have to travel for work to say, Japan.  On occasion I have traveled with a colleague.  This revelation just goes to show that I haven’t quite thought all the angles through regarding the name change.  I should probably speak with Petra tonight to get her opinion.

Tonight is the NI stammtich meeting.  I am supposed to be in NI to meet Linda at two pm.  I also must do some food shopping and try to find a carpet cleaning shop.  I may go to Ffm to try to pick up the Bembles for Sandi today, if I can fit it in.

I have been asked by a colleague in Detroit to play tour guide for a couple of guys from Honda next weekend.  He wants me to go to dinner with them on Friday night and then drive them around on Saturday to see the sights.  I don’t know these people and furthermore, I probably won’t be getting paid for the time.  In other words, I will be doing this on my free time.  Marek is the colleague that has asked me to do this.  Marek is a middle-aged Polish salesman who can be really pushy and annoying at times.   Marek perceives that he helped me with my divorce, which he didn’t really, but I guess I owe him or something.  I am getting so sick of the usual tourist traps.  I have been to them so many times that it is beginning to make me sick every time I go to these places.  The usual route I take is Frankenstein castle, Stettbach to see the chapel ruin and golden cross, drive along the wine road, and lastly to Heidelberg castle.  I have been to Heidelberg castle so many times now, that I have lost track.  Impressive as it may be, it gets old after a while.  One can only see so many storybook towns, roman ruins, and castles before it all starts to look the same.  The novelty has worn off.  I will undoubtedly make the same trip with visitors many more times in the future.  Maybe once I am living full time, people will stop asking me to do this.  We’ll just have to wait and see.

Heike was at work yesterday.  We ate lunch together in the canteen, just her and I.  I discussed with her my name change plans and about clothing.  She noticed that my skin looks better since all the stress has passed and therefore the acne is healing.  I like using my new skincare regimen from Clinique.  It’s awesome.  Aside from the growth intensity of my facial hair, the rest of my facial skin feels soft and supple like a baby’s ass.  The wonders of modern skin care.  Well I’m off to get ready for the day.  Big up to sweet trini for remailing me.  I will remail you sometime this weekend, I hope.  I may work a few hours tomorrow, blah!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Lost and Found

I’m blogging from my bedroom tonight because the painters are coming tomorrow and I had to move the PC.  I’m feeling rather sad tonight.  I was moving the stacks of books around to get them out of the way and found some of my journal writings from two years ago.  The ink was still drying on the decision to transition.  I found a timetable that had me living full time since January of this year.  A little too ambitious I would say.  I’m feeling a great sense of loss tonight.  Tonight makes a year that KPo left me for good.  Tomorrow will make three years since Dad died.

A memory came to me, I’m not sure why this particular memory; but it was of the first time I drove home in female mode after having stayed over Rita’s in Allston.  I had never been out in daylight before.  I was always shrouded by the dark of night.  I remember driving my fiero and stopping in Randolph somewhere to buy a pack of smokes.  I remember it feeling so exhilarating to drive around in daylight wearing a skirt.  I remember what I was wearing too.  I had on a pale brown suede skirt, a brown body suit (left behind by Yollie), brown tights, and brown suede flats.  Mom was home when I got there.  I quickly came in the door and went directly into the bathroom.  I think she caught a slight glimpse of me, but apparently it didn’t register.  I was trying to figure out when this event actually occurred. I reasoned it out to around 1993.  I had my degree and was working as a welder at a construction company.  I used to spend a lot of time alone, welding and thinking about the next time I would be going out with Rita in Boston.  My favorite store back then was contempo casuals.  And to think I could actually fit into that stuff.  I think the largest size they had was 9, but it fit, I think…

Back then was when I had my first serious thoughts of transitioning.  After meeting Rita and the others, I wanted to do it so badly, but I just couldn’t take the plunge.  The scene that I was exposed to gave me a very negative view of transsexuals.  Most of the people I was around were prostitutes.  I didn’t know anyone that had a regular 9-5, and that lived an otherwise normal life.  Through research on the internet I found that transsexual doesn’t necessarily equal prostitute.  Thinking back now, it was too scary to me, too real.  I had been sitting on the fence for ten years when I finally couldn’t deny it any longer.  I’m sort of glad that I didn’t transition at that point in time.  I probably would have become a prostitute as well.  Things happen for a reason they say.  Still the time that I have left behind, unused, lost; is difficult to let go of.  Now I must to look to the future very carefully, and use the past as a reminder of who I am.  I just want to be the woman I always envisioned myself to be.  Me.