Druck

I find myself in a quandary. My current work contract ends on June 10, and my company has given me the paperwork to sign to extend it for two years. I haven't signed anything yet. Brand A finally contacted me again yesterday. I spoke with one of my interviewers on the phone, and here's what he had to say: "We realize that you had mentioned that you would rather work in Bensheim, but we have discussed where we need you, and we have decided we want you in Graz." Punkt. I told him there was also a personal reason that I wanted to stay in germany for about another year, and then I would be willing to move to Graz. I feel as though at some point I am going to have to be open about my wish for surgery. I have invested two years in therapy and psychiatrists with the goal of eventually receiving psychological evaluations to apply for surgery. Moving to another country at this point is attractive, but if I decide to move I will have to start all over again. Well, not totally. But I would have to wait a lot longer. It could mean the difference between one year and two. There is always the Thailand option. Funny how a job turning ugly can screw up a perfectly good plan. I am wondering what they will have me work on. One of the guys who interviewed me runs the group that develops test machines for the formula 1 engines and xmissions. That is all very high speed stuff, like as in 20,000 rpm. That is a bit out of my experience range. I have designed up to 8,000 many times with success, with a part of my very first machine capable running at 15,000. Anyway, that would be an excellent opportunity for me and very exciting work. High risk work. If they make me an offer I can't refuse, I might just take it. I feel more confident that I could have a future in a company like that. I feel trapped and abused by my current job. I have been thinking about and loathing all the things that moving entails. I wan to stay put for longer than two years. I have done 3 international moves in the last four years. By the third time I was good at it. Moving to Graz would be more comparable to my move from mass to michigan. The cultures are basically the same here and there, germanic. Bier und wurst. I agreed to call the Dr back this coming week when he would be in his office to discuss further. My company would be very upset if I virtually without notice just up and left. I have to reread my contract to make sure there aren't any clauses about giving notice before the end of the contract. I have a lot to think about.

rage against the maschine

I’ve wanted to break or maim something or someone all day long. It started when finn and fredi were ridiculing magda this morning at work. I don’t think she really caught on to what they were doing, maybe she did, I just hoped it would be over quick. People can be so mean sometimes. Bad karma always comes back. A little ways into the discussion with fredi and finn, it became clear that fredi did not think about what he was doing and made a fairly large mistake. He is on vacation for the next three weeks. That means I have to correct his mistake as well as do my own ever heaping pile of work. All this fueled the fire within. Then there was the cart. The cart is what joins and guides the axle mod on the translation mod, in other words it is a fairly important part of the machine. I originally laid it out and never quite finished the design, but it did fit before he took the design over and finished it. I asked him to check his work on many occasions, but he always quietly refused. I check all my work to prevent 95% percent of my mistakes, with the remaining five percent being minor adjustments made at assembly. I did a basic optical frisk of the drawing of the cart and found it very hard to follow. I looked for the obvious and most important stuff, which he had done incorrectly. The rest I had no time to check, so I told him he was responsible for it when it doesn’t fit. The holes were off by five millimeters in some places. I was livid. The rest of the machine had gone together with minor problems that required no machining inside of a couple of days. The cart was a show stopper today. I wanted so badly to tell him that is what happens when you don’t check your work. I was very vocal at the point when he placed the cart on order, making it clear it was his responsibility. Anger, maybe even…rage? You bet. My mood was raging today, but I am tired now though. And I have hurty boobs. Thankfully, tomorrow is shot day. I don’t go looking for a fight usually when I feel this way; I have learned to control it somewhat. But, if someone brings a fight to me on one of these thankfully rare days, look out! I can go from 0 to total flip out in mere milliseconds. That’s an overstatement, but we’ll leave it at that.

Ich bin noch da! with pics...

I have finally decided to break the silence. I have been rarely inspired to write over the last couple of months. It wasn’t for the lack of noteworthy events, but perhaps a bit of depression. I feel better now, although some of the goals I have set for myself have not yet been met. Namely to obtain the psychological evaluations that are required for surgery. I had hoped to obtain them shortly after completing successfully my first year in the female gender role.

My therapist is unfortunately very slow at writing the reports that he is required to generate. The story begins last October when I was given the questionnaire to complete to request to convert my short duration therapy into long duration therapy. I completed my part, also in German, within a week and submitted it to him in the middle of October. In the following months I had assumed he had completed his report and submitted it to my health insurance (HIP) soon after I had completed my part. By the time the initial allotment of hours had run out in December, I began to wonder why I hadn’t heard anything from my HIP regarding the new hours. We didn’t have many sessions through January as I and he were on vacation for most of the month. I did however speak with my HIP about the documentation that I needed to obtain to apply for surgery. He is required to write an evaluation since I had been in therapy with him for over a year. I then promptly requested that he start to prepare to write his evaluation, since my first year anniversary was coming in a couple of months.

My first meeting in February was met with him having me sign the form that accompanies his request for more hours. Needless to say I was a bit upset that over four months had passed since I submitted my part. We did sessions on credit because he felt that it was a sure thing that I would get more hours, it was only a matter of time. Five weeks later he received an angry letter from the evaluator that read his report denying the request for more hours. The evaluator became upset that he had not included certain diagnostics, such as family dynamics. He recommended that he should write an appeal to the decision of the HIP evaluator. I agreed since I am required to be in continual therapy during transition. The sessions that followed were quite upsetting to me. He wanted to obtain documentation from my therapist back in the states, from the psychiatrist I visited, and an interview with his wife for some family dynamics. I asked when he would be finished with the appeal. He said he was not able to give me a definitive date, much less even a ball park timeframe. I found all this very upsetting because I had already asked him to start writing the formal evaluation for surgery several months before. Then came the money aspect of it. I had done ten hours on credit so far and I would be required to pay him some cash to continue. I was so exasperated that I paid him what he requested and decided to do a session a month until the appeal was finished and the hours are approved. I eventually became depressed because I felt as though I would be stuck with my body as it is now, for the rest of my life.

I decided to try to stop thinking about all the time that I was losing because of my therapists’ inefficiency, and fill my time with worthwhile activities. I began sewing again because the weather was suddenly warm and I don’t have much in the way of summer clothes. I visited with him this past week, expecting him not to have completed the appeal yet. He had finished it, and submitted it the week before. He also gave me a copy. I was pleasantly surprised that he had finished it, and we had a good session in part due to the fact that I was feeling better than in the past months. He informed me that as soon as the appeal is accepted, he would begin to write the formal evaluation. I have struggled to understand the appeal he wrote, since it is all in German. I have read, and reread it many times to understand the content. In a nutshell, he wrote about all the events or experiences that could have had a lasting psychological effect on me, and that he found no lasting effects, then went further to hypothesize that I could have been possibly born this way based on the latest research. The meaning that I got from all of that was even though my family environment was laden with potentially emotionally traumatizing and or influencing events, and much were, I came away from it all without any of it having a bearing on my gender dysphoria and personality. This confirms how I feel about all of it. There are many factors in my history that could be seen at face value as causes, such as the relationship with my father, being an only boy among six sisters, being a middle child, broken home, etc. In the end, I still don’t, and probably will never, know why I feel the way that I do, I just do. It suits me.

I have since changed product line groups at work and now I sit up on the fifth floor. I have a view of the city from my new office. The project that I have been saddled with is for Volkswagen in Kassel and Wolfsburg. Yet another project with an impossible schedule and budget, but this time with a paying customer behind it. I fell prey to a larger conspiracy within my company with me as the pawn. I was wondering why it was so easy to change groups, even with the president recommending it. I was told that I was to work on modularizing the powertrain product line, but if a customer project came along I would also have to work on it. The looming project with VW was never really mentioned as the real goal of having me move, as the modularization was the most important thing. Within days of when I was supposed to change groups the VW project came in. The project was for four test cells, one all wheel drive simulator, two front wheel drive, and one double clutch test stand. The FWD and AWD systems were supposed to be copies of what we had supplied in the past. But in the course of the beginning of the project it became clear that we would not be able to use anything from the past, and that everything would have to be redesigned. Even the central unit of the double clutch machine seems as though I will have to redesign.

I feel that I was hoodwinked by management into taking on a difficult, if not impossible project. The project is not specifically called so, but it is a “strategic” project, meaning it was sold at our cost, with no profit margin. We are supposed to create a profit margin through cost reduction measures, theoretically. I guess it speaks for my value to the company, that I am working on the most high profile projects. It also means that the responsibility on my shoulders is quite heavy. I had been so long out of this product line that I had forgotten all that goes along with it, such as the utter lack of clarity as to what the customer actually wants and needs. The process of clarifying the system requirements can and has taken months, and even today it is not totally clear. I have began to refresh myself with the calculation programs that are used in the design of high speed systems. In the previous group, I was only confronted with high mechanical inertia, low speed (max 1300 rpm) systems, and now I am back working with low inertia, high speed (3000 to 8000 rpm) systems. The level of engineering skill required for the latter is much higher as the former. In the end I am much more stimulated by the work I am doing now, I feel as though I am being challenged again in a positive way because I am again using my most valuable skills. The machine that I worked myself half to death to complete the design of is finally taking shape in metal on the shop floor. There have been only minor problems so far, and experiencing its build is extra satisfying to me.

I went on an interview in Graz, Austria on the 17th of April with the competition. They flew me in for the day and I flew back to Ffm on that same evening. Graz is nice. It’s nestled in an expanding valley in southern Austria, with ski resorts within an hour’s drive. The interview went extremely well. I was a bit nervous at first with not knowing how I would be received by the interviewers. I met with three men to discuss my work experience and capabilities. I spoke with them for about an hour and then was delivered to the HR dept for further discussions. I spoke with a woman from HR for over two hours. She had a lot of good questions and in the end she was able to determine how I solve problems and how I deal with possible situations. I felt very confident throughout the interviews and left there with a good feeling. I met a former colleague that works for them now two weeks ago at a biergarten. He had been the week before in Graz to discuss projects and to also speak to them about me. He told me that I came across as likeable and self confident in the interviews. They wanted me very much to move to Graz, but I insisted that I would rather work in Bensheim, because I didn’t want to move again just yet. He said he would check into whether or not they were still going to send me an offer. I need to close the loop with them this coming week. My current contract expires on June 10, and with that date less than a month away, I am a bit nervous. I had hoped to not have to sign a new contract and just walk away when that date arrives. I will just have to remain patient I guess.

I have been making clothes again. In the past several weeks I have made four pairs of pants; black cropped skinny jeans with red topstitching, olive green corduroy boot cut jeans, olive green corduroy straight leg trousers to match the blazer I made, and the first pair of black cropped skinny jeans with red topstitching that were a size too small. The very first pair of skinny blue jeans that I made back in the fall were too baggy in the front from waist to hip, and in checking the pattern I made against the original pattern tissue, I found that I had traced the hip lines for a size 18, while the rest of the piece was traced on the 16 lines. Not knowing this, I decided to make a size 14 pair of skinny jeans since the size sixteen pair fit too loose. The 14s didn’t fit at all, of course. I am trying to find someone to give them to that they will fit. I have also been experimenting with jersey for making tops at various lengths and with varying neckline styles. The fabrics that I have been using to make the pants have been all stretch denim and corduroy. I have developed a stabilizing method for the waistband so that it holds its shape and doesn’t get all stretched out while wearing. I hate pants that constantly fall and I have to keep pulling them up in the back.

I have been making pieces that fit with the latest trends, but by my own terms, or interpretation. I like knowing that no one else could possibly be wearing the same exact thing I am wearing, simply because it was designed and made by me with my choice of fabrics. Most of it is close fitting and shows off the goods which I am very proud of. Although I am not as curvy as I would like to be, I am nevertheless satisfied with my figure. I like looking fashionable too.

I had bid on an old singer sewing machine on EBay similar to the one that we had when we lived here the first time. I bought it for 35 euro with the intention of buying an automatic buttonholer attachment that was only made for the older machines. I ended up scoring a buttonholer and a monogrammer from the same seller in the states. The machine is a vintage 402G made in Germany in 1959. I have been using my newer Pfaff for the general sewing and the singer for topstitching. Before I would have to constantly switch between normal thread and the topstitching thread, and therefore the amount of time to finish a piece took all that much longer. I used to dread working with stretch fabrics because controlling the stretch during sewing seemed an insurmountable challenge. Since I have learned to deal with the stretch, I have been working almost exclusively with stretch fabrics. I bought some really nice jersey fabrics; brown with white polka dots, black with white polka dots, white with a black and red floral pattern, and a beige, black and red floral pattern.

I also bid on an oak art nouveau dining set and won it. I am just waiting on the delivery now. The set will match the oak art nouveau buffet cabinet that I bought over a year ago. I am hoping that they will work together. If not, at least I finally will have a dining table at least. I will also use it as a cutting table, and I will get rid of the cardboard one I have been using. I may cut it up to use as fabric bolt holders. I can’t wait for my new (old) table.

I have a long weekend planned for the end of the month in A’dam to be there for the transgender film fest. I usually had learned of it after it had happened, but this year I will hopefully be there for it. I am looking forward to seeing T and J again when I go back there again. I am curious if anything will happen with me and T, but I am not getting my hopes up just in case nothing happens.

In June Blonde Redhead is playing in Heidelberg, and Sonic Youth are playing in Wiesbaden at the Schlachthof (a former slaughterhouse) also in June. I am excited to go to the concerts. Two of my favorite bands playing within a week of each other, with both being only half hours drive away. Yay!!! I haven’t heard the new sonic youth yet, but Mari and Christi bought me a copy of the new BR “23”. I like it very much. Their latest effort is a bit space poppy. It’s nice nevertheless.

I think this will do for now, I want to get to making the next body wrapper.