sassy ride

I just got home from picking up my new bike in Weiterstadt. I rode it home, partially in the rain. I got the bike from Fredi, a colleague of mine. His ex-girlfriend left it behind when they broke up, and seeing as how I am going to start living full time as frau, he felt I needed an appropriate bike. We agreed to exchange my present men’s hybrid city/mountain bike for it 1 to 1. My new bike is way cool. I am so happy to have it. It is an Amsterdam bike. And for those who have been to Amsterdam, you realize how important bikes are there, especially the particular style of bike. Here’s a picture…isn’t it schön (beautiful)?


Last Sunday Fredi and Walter helped me with an armoire that I bought from one of Fredi’s ex-girlfriends. Fredi seems to have lots of ex-girlfriends. Fredi has a good heart. The armoire is probably about 120 years old by my estimations. I bought it for 200€, and the delivery will end up costing me a couple of beers and maybe dinner. The design of the armoire is quite clever. There are four wedges that hold it together, and once they are removed, the whole thing can be broken down into nine pieces. It seemed that it had been taken apart many times over its life. It originally was brought here from Austria by Walter, about 18 years ago. Here’s a picture of it…


I edited the text for my coming out webpage over the past few days and posted it last night. You can check it out here. I realize that most of the people that read this blog don’t understand German, but there is a picture to look at anyway. The text I received from a friend of a friend who used it for her coming out at work. I wanted to write something myself, but in the end it would have taken too much time because my German grammar is not so good. Although it is understandable, I didn’t want to take the chance of confusing anyone when presenting such an important topic. The text I received was basically what I wanted to say anyway, so I just went with it. I have invited a couple of my confidants to check it out and let me know what they think. It is addressed to the people I work with, to give them a more personal perspective on my transsexuality and the politics of transition. I need also to write a similar page, but in English for my colleagues in Detroit, as they will soon hear about me through the company grapevine. The news will travel like wildfire I’m sure.

Last Wednesday I met with the Chef from the cafeteria to set everything up with him for this Friday evening. I decided on a Bavarian feast complete with pretzels (my favorite German food next to beer of course) and hefeweizen. I decided to have it catered, I still have to pick it all up though, because I will be nervous enough without having to deal with buying everything and making sure there is enough. That afternoon I met with the personnel manager. He seemed receptive to what I was planning in so far as what he needed administratively to do. Beyond that, he offered nothing more. I am happy with just that. I will get my personnel records updated, and a new work ID card. I will help write the email that will be sent around to the whole group where I work. I was planning on including the link to my webpage in it. At this point I am not sure what to write though. I will probably have to call on my friend Petra’s expert advice.

On Thursday I sent out the email to all of the people I wanted to invite. In the email I didn’t give any specific reason, only that it is a personal matter. I also wrote that I wouldn’t answer any questions about it between then and the party. I created quite a stir in the company as one can imagine. I sparked everyone’s curiosity, and some people were playfully upset that I was making everyone wait so long to hear what I have to say. I am mostly over the nervousness, for now. Everyone automatically guesses that either I am: leaving the company, moving back to the states, getting married, having a child, won the lottery and have bought the company, will be sent back the states to manage the Detroit office, or I am terminally sick. I told them all that they have to wait because what I have to say is not an every day theme. I also told the people that wouldn’t make it not to worry, as what I have to say will be clear to everyone on the following Monday. That really sent them guessing. I assume someone will figure it out before then, they have to. I mean, come on.

I hope nobody does figure it out before hand. I think it best that it be a total surprise, so that the colleagues that do come will experience it all the same way and at the same time. I look at it as a bonding experience of sorts. I hope everything goes well. I have another electrolysis appointment on Thursday evening for an hour. That will be the last one for a few weeks, so that my face and neck has time to heal from the marathon sessions I have been through in the past weeks. Ellen finished the rest of my neck last Saturday. That hurt really, really bad. I did it without the xylocaine. I’m not sure how, but I did it. She worked on me for three hours and twenty minutes. I had a goiter for a couple of days, which is slowly going away.

Everything is going to plan so far. I cleared my face and neck once, I spoke with the pres and personnel chef, supplied them with information, organized the food, got the bike, posted the webpage, and didn’t let the cat out of the bag (so far). I am so fortunate that everything is going so well for me. I know lots of other people that it didn’t go so well for. My confidants at work have told me that they think I am doing it in the right way. I am convinced that being up front about my transition at work is the best way to handle it. Although I won’t be able to tell everyone personally, I think that being able to tell some personally is better than everyone receiving an email. Everyone in the company knows that I have something extraordinary to say, so the word is already out. At least they are all forewarned. I will end up being quite a spectacle for a couple of weeks, and then things should hopefully settle down.

I am already anxious about yet another presentation on the project I am working on that I must give at the end of April. The problem is, the Japanese colleagues that will be there met me as Christopher last fall, and then they will meet me as Christine. I’m not sure how they will react. Maybe they won’t, but that’s not likely. I will no doubt be viewed as a shameful disgrace. I don’t care what they think, as long as I don’t get fired because of it. I hope Heike will be part of the presentations, so that at least there will be another woman present beside me. I hope to be as strong a woman as she is. I am planning on wearing a nice skirt suit. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. The presentations are supposed to be when Rachel will be here, on the 28th. I hope I can get out of it.

I checked on my passport on the state department website the other day. It said that it had been printed and was mailed back to the consulate in Ffm. I am hoping that it comes yet this week. I would like to go to the German authorities on Monday and update everything in one sitting. I also will have to return all the catering stuff on Monday morning to the cafeteria. And be a spectacle. The hard part will be over with by then though. Linda scheduled us for a hair appointment at her favorite Turkish salon in NI for Saturday at ten. I am planning on getting my hair cut a little, maybe layered, maybe blonde and red highlights. I have wanted to get an actual hairstyle for a long time. I have no illusions about my hair limitations, so I am hoping for the best. I really like my long hair and don’t want to cut it, but it needs it. Linda was also going to check on whether or not we could get our nails done on Saturday also. I would like to get a French manicure again like I had for my name change trip. This time I won’t have to remove them, yay!

I’ll try to keep posting as things develop over the next few days. Keep the fingers crossed.

Outing

I am up early again, but today should be a lot easier, although yesterday turned out to be simple.  I had my discussion with my company pres yesterday as planned.  I am such a lucky girl.

He was totally open to my transition plans.  I presented my situation to him and my coming out plan.  He accepted all of it without requesting any changes.  He had some questions about how a gender transition works and what I must do and have done to get where I am.  He seemed genuinely interested and requested copies of the German law and some background information which I will gladly supply him with.  We discussed how I wanted to tell all my coworkers, and also agreed to send a company-wide email on the day that I start working as Christine.  He basically pledged his full support, and told me if anyone gives me any trouble to let him or personnel know.  I also asked him how his co-president, he is Japanese, and he agreed to tell him himself.  I offered to speak with him personally, should he request that.  I also showed him the portrait style picture I had to give him an idea of how I look as frau.  He seemed happy the whole time we spoke, and he didn’t skip a beat.  I was very happy with our discussion, and now I must follow through.

I will meet with the personnel manager today at three thirty.  I will discuss with him the records that must be updated and about the email that will be circulated on the first day.  I don’t know him at all, but with the full support of the pres, it should go ok.  I still want to put together a web page with questions and answers for further reading and include links to more information.

The best thing about the discussion with my pres was what we didn’t talk about.  My work capacity didn’t even come into question.  I am happy he saw it as a personal change that wouldn’t affect my ability to perform my work.  He told me that he had seen a program on TV regarding transsexual transition.  It almost seemed like he had wondered if he would ever have to deal with such a person and situation, and maybe thought it would be another point to add to his leadership experience.  I am glad that there is more and more positively presented information on transsexuality.  It helps to dispel the negative impression most people probably have due to lack of factual information.  

I plan to try to speak with the chef from the cafeteria today to find out how much notice he needs to prepare enough food for the group and an estimate of the cost.  The invitation email will go out probably today.  I’ll keep posting the events as they unfold.

Thanks for the support trini!  It helps me to know that you are thinking of me.  I have wanted to write to you lately, but I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment…walk good.

Mack Avenue

I am up way earlier than usual.  I had some bad dreams and couldn’t sleep any longer.  My nerves are frazzled.  I have to somehow keep it together.

I had a dream again for the second time.  The beginning was different this time though.  At first I was driving in a car trying to get to Ann Arbor, to take a train somewhere.  I missed the train, and the next one wouldn’t be there until the next day.  Then I was with my sisters in Mass, shopping of course.  Jen was trying to steal everything of mine, but that is usual.  I then flew back to Detroit, and found myself walking down the street.  I walked into a store, but it wasn’t a normal store, it was one of those with hipsters sitting around listening to hipster music.  There was a weird hallway that ran along the front of the store which had a partially boarded up exit, which I went through.  As soon as I went through the poorly secured exit, I remember thinking they better fix that or thieves will break in easily.

The next part of the dream I was walking down the street trying to find home.  In an instant, I realized I had forgotten all my belongings somewhere.  I thought perhaps at the airport.  I found myself in an area of Detroit I don’t know so well, the area around Mack avenue.  It wasn’t really Mack avenue, but that’s what someone told me when I asked for directions the last time I had the dream.  There were a lot of people walking around amid dirty streets filled with factories.  There is one particular factory that I remember; it must be a stamping plant, because it emits a loud reoccurring stamping noise.  All the surroundings seemed familiar and therefore I didn’t feel too upset about being there.  I just wanted to get home.  More worrisome was the fact that I didn’t have my handbag with my keys, money, and identification.  I felt sort of naked without them.

I don’t remember the outcome the last time I had the dream.  I awoke not too long after being in it.  I definitely had the feel that I was female this time, although I don’t remember the feel of the last time, except for feeling scared because I was lost.  The fact that there were lotsof people around makes it even scarier, as that area of Detroit is really dangerous and therefore people don’t walk around there.  Especially women alone.  I think it strange that I was none too worried about actually finding myself there again, except for the fact that I was a long way from home.  I hate Detroit.

Writing this has helped me to analyze the dream.  I think that the area of Detroit that I find myself in is my transition, and this time the surroundings were seemed more familiar.  The first time I knew it was Detroit, but not the exact area because I had to ask to get my bearings.  This time I wasn’t so worried to find myself there, because I had been there before.  This tells me that I am comfortable with myself mostly, and that I am closer to finding “home” as it may be.  I just felt frustrated to find myself there again.  Perhaps it is a test of my will.  Even though I didn’t know the way out of there, I kept moving.

I am nervous because today is the day that I must come out to my company president.  Speaking with my sister Ann and also with Linda helped to calm me down last night.  I need to realize this is my life, not anyone else’s, and I have to live it the way I feel comfortable.  This is a difficult time, but I must find a way to get through it.  I go for my double shots this morning that should help.  Heike will also be there today.  I am just worried about doing this right and making things run as smoothly as possible.  I need to relax and go with it.

Over the past week I have been ripping more cd’s to mp3.  I dug out my old De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Special Ed, Digable Planets, and Third Bass.  The old hip-hop reminds me of earlier times and is also comforting to listen to.  I also found my DJ Cam CDs, which I am listening to right now.  Soothing.  I even managed to find Paul’s Boutique from the beasties.  I am in the middle of checking drawings at work to enable me to release the parts for manufacture.  Checking is tedious work and having good music to listen to helps me concentrate.  I am the one who must ensure that all the parts will fit together when assembly starts.  I will give an update later tonight when I get home later, but for now, it’s shower time.

Planning

I have managed to re-schedule my next electrolysis appointment for today at ten.  I have prepared my neck for the ordeal with Emla and plastic wrap.  I hope this time won’t be quite as painful as last weekend when I did around my mouth and chin.  It will no doubt be painful, but I can do it.  I must.  Things are so far falling into place for the next few weeks.

I outed myself to Fredi last night at the Ratskeller.  He had no idea, but had absolutely no problem with it.  He asked lots of questions which I answered to his satisfaction.  I wasn’t sure how Fredi would react, since he is kind of a player.  He is in his early fifties and is a very handsome man.  He is also a very kind person.  I am glad we are friends.  He offered me a bike that his last girlfriend left behind.  It sounds nice; it is a bike from Holland, like everyone rides around Amsterdam.  I wanted to get a new women’s bike that I can ride when I am wearing a skirt.  He also told me about an antique armoire that a former girlfriend of his is trying to get rid of.  He offered to take me with him after work on Tuesday to go look at it and check out the bike also.  I have been thinking about getting rid of the bureau that I bought from Ingrid, the woman I took the apartment over from.  It is all rickety and falling apart.  I would need to figure something out with my underwear and the rest of the stuff I usually keep in it.

I will probably rest for a while today after my electrolysis session.  But tomorrow I must start to write out my plan and the texts for the invitation email and my speech.  I also want to start working on my webpage.  I have planned to present everything to my company’s president on Tuesday.  I am still thinking about it, but I think I will have a gathering after work on the 31st of March.  I was thinking I would invite all the people that I work with normally and also the others that I come to know over the past years that I have worked here.  It seems like a crazy idea to invite so many people, but I would rather have everyone together and be able to tell them all at once, instead of having them read a cold email.  Plus, I hope telling everyone personally at once will help to minimize the water cooler conversations.  I sat down the other night and wrote out a list from memory of the people I would like to invite.  I ended up with about one hundred ten names on it.  I will probably shorten it a little, and also I am assuming only about two-thirds of the total will actually come.  So, I am thinking that I will be telling my story to about seventy people at once.  I am crazy.  I would rather tell seventy people at once rather than having to tell them all individually, that could take a while.  And after I do it, it will be done.

After contemplating how I wanted to out myself to everyone, I envisioned the situation and imagined myself standing before everyone saying my speech.  I even went through what I wanted to say.  I thought afterwards, if I can imagine myself doing it, I can do it.  Making such a speech to my coworkers will be without a doubt nerve racking, but I think it will be the best way.  Besides, I will supply the beer and food, and when people have a beer in their hand everything becomes a bit easier to handle.  I also wanted to plan it for a Friday evening so that everyone will go home, and not back to work afterwards.  That will give them the chance to digest it over the weekend themselves, rather than during the rest of the day at work.  I hope it works out for the best.

Immerhin

Immer weiter…I outed myself to yet another coworker tonight.  His reaction was totally positive.  I am so lucky.  I am so thankful to know such open minded and good people.  I made the appointments today for next week with my company’s president on Tuesday at 2p, and then the next day with the personnel manager at 3.30p.  I obviously didn’t get the appointment time with the pres, but it will have to work.  I really don’t want to take the chance on disturbing him before he goes directly to another meeting.  I would have much rather have done it at the end of the day, because I have no idea how he will react.  He’s the pres after all, and he needs his concentration.  Maybe he will take it all in stride, I could get fired, I don’t know.  The main point is, I made the appointments and I will follow through with it.

I got really nervous after making the appointments, up until lunch where I ate a bowl of white bean soup with a wurst and bretzel.  Afterwards I was a bit more settled.  I normally don’t get that nervous, but thankfully it didn’t last long.  I got nervous because the pres’ secretary asked me for the reason that I wanted to meet with him, and if it took longer than a couple of minutes, I would have to give a better reason than “it’s a personal matter.”  She said to me “it sounds like you want to quit.”  I told her no, that wasn’t what I wanted to talk to him about.  I told her it was a sensitive personal matter, and that I couldn’t go into further detail and she finally accepted it.  I received the appointment via outlook and confirmed it.  Later on, I decided to stop by personnel to ask when the manager is usually there.  They told me they didn’t know that and that I would have to speak with his assistant.  His assistant resides with the pres’ assistant, with whom I made the appointment earlier, but by telephone.  I decided to go and make the next appointment in person, since it was on the same floor of the building.

I stepped into the office and greeted them both, and asked if I could make an appointment with the personnel chef.  She asked if it was the same reason as the other appointment with the pres (which says to me they talk), I said yes.  I also asked her to schedule it after the appointment with the pres, and she obliged.  The personnel chef’s assistant is hot and she knows it.  She and I actually have a similar style.  I seldom see her around at all, but she is always looking very chic, and I find myself envying her.  I envy her because she was always looking how I wanted to look, and will too soon.  Soon as in the 5th of April possibly.  I will gage that after I speak with the pres.  I have much to do this weekend as far as collecting information and preparing for the meetings.  I want to bring information along with me to control as much of the events of the next weeks as possible.  I figure if I supply them with the information, and information is power, then I should have the upper hand, via partially controlling their research materials.  I want to walk in to the meetings with confidence and dignity with a defined plan in hand.  I want to make it as hands-off for them as possible.  I was thinking about suggesting that all the managers be informed on the days I will be off, with the request that they inform their respective departments before I return, so that nobody will be surprised.  I have much to prepare, but I feel I can get it done.  I have no other choice at this point, and I find it good so.  I may as well just do it.  I have wanted to do it for a while now.  Alas, my leap of faith into womanhood is coming soon.

I was thinking about it last night, as if it was a new thought, an epiphany if you will…once I make the break there will be no more need to go back and forth anymore.  It felt like I was to be released, freedom granted.  Going back was especially hard the first day back at work last week.  That feeling of freedom feels really good.  The day that I have been working up to for my whole life practically, and especially hard in the past three years.  I’m ready.  It’s been quite a ride up to this point, and well worth it.  We’ll see how it pans out.  Good, I hope.

Good News?

I got some news tonight in confidence from a coworker that has me re-considering my coming out timing at work.  There are reportedly some changes that are going to take place within the personnel structure of my department within weeks, or days, I don’t know.  I can’t go into details just in case any of my colleagues read this before the changes become public.

I had planned on my first day of working as Frau for May 8th, in eight weeks.  It looks like I will be doing it in four weeks or less.  As soon as possible basically.  I feel that I am more ready than not, I had just hoped to get more prepared in the meantime.  If I was able to live day to day in female mode over the recent vacations, then I should be ready to make the break.  I guess the things that are really important to me personally right now can be accomplished anyway, just after instead of before.  Like voice training, quitting smoking, facial hair removal.  The most important thing really was the hair removal.  I will have to let what hair is left grow out for at least two days prior to the further electrolysis treatments I will need.  Whiskers on a woman aren’t exactly attractive in my opinion.  Others have done it, and so must I.  Crappy.  I need to get my shit together, and fast.

If during and after the Xmas break I felt different, confirmed if you will, that feeling has become a lot stronger since my recent trip to the states.  Mostly probably because of my name change, but I feel that I am there.  All I could think about lately when I was out with people I work with is if and when I was going to out myself to them.  I am past the point where I care who knows about my transition.  In fact I have wished I was already out, or felt that I should be.  I will no doubt make some of my doctors happy when I can show up for my next appointment and tell them I am living full time finally.  A couple of them looked at me a little disturbed that I wasn’t out yet.  I apparently was convincing enough to them.

I received my new Michigan driver’s license in the hauspost today, along with my new ATM card.  I mailed my passport application this morning to the consulate in Ffm.  My only hope now is that I receive my new passport before I start living full time.  I would like to have at least my papers in order to avoid any possible problems with work.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed.  My next step is to schedule a one on one meeting with my company’s president and out myself to him.  That should be a blast.  Then on to the personnel department.  Anyway, I have a lot to organize in a short time, but for now I am going to bed.  Gute Nacht.

Human again

I almost feel human again.  My lips feel like they are close to their normal size again.  The periphery is still a bit inflamed though.  I hope that I will look much better tomorrow morning before I go back to work.  I really don’t want to have to lie about why my face is swollen, so I have decided that I will simply say when someone asks, “I don’t feel like discussing it right now”.  And hopefully that will be the end of it.  I still feel like crap though.

I was rather productive today in between lying in bed cooling my face.  I washed all the laundry, including all the stuff from my trip home, except for the fine washables.  I also managed to finally do the dishes, most of which were there before I went on vacation.  I have been so lazy lately.  I also finished putting away the luggage and organizing all the unpacked stuff.  I even organized all my important mail and medical records and such.  It looked like such a nice day outside, but I spent it all in the house.  I took a nice hot bath and shaved my legs for the first time in two weeks.  It felt very relaxing to sit in the tub for a while.  I know it was hot enough because sweat started to drip down my forehead out of my scalp.  I shaved the rest of my face and dried my hair.  I made some little ham and cucumber sandwiches for dinner and talked with Rachel for a couple of minutes.  I am sitting here now drinking a beer and writing.  My face feels so much better than it did this morning, and my apartment actually looks clean too.  Yay.

Pin Cushion

I am a very swollen Chrissy today.  I have been a good girl lately, so I had the privilege of visiting the electrolysis fairy yesterday.  Yes, the old stick, fry, and pluck felt better than it ever has.  Three hours of galvanic electricity fun.  It gives new meaning to dancing on the head of a pin.  I have to be careful with sharp objects around my lips, as they will probably explode if I were to pierce them.  I look like I am hiding bananas between my lips and gums.  She cleared from my nose to my chin in one sitting.  I am starting to think this was a mistake.  I have to work tomorrow, and there is no way that I will look even remotely the same.  I was contemplating scheduling the clearing of my mouth area for a long weekend, but alas, I decided to just get it over with.  I am paying for it now.  It took three days for my cheeks to return to close to normal size over my vacation.

It hurt the most under my nose and around my lips.  I had tears in my eyes during the whole ordeal.  I tried to numb the area with Emla, but even still I feel every single one.  I was quite amazed with myself that I was actually able to lie still and endure the pain.  She was ready to give me some Novocain injections, should it be totally unbearable.  I wish she had just to see if it really would numb it totally so I wouldn’t feel anything.  I was contemplating seeking out a dentist that would be willing to shoot me up just before my electrolysis sessions.  The sad thing is that there are very few options for pain management that are available to transwomen who must undergo countless hours of electrolysis.

I have been wondering if the pain management is effective enough, then the swelling wouldn’t be so bad.  I’m not sure this is the case.  Of course I haven’t been able to prove or disprove this theory, as I have never had completely effective pain management, ever.  I try to remind myself that every zapped hair and the lingering pain that comes with it, is another step closer to realizing my goal of womanhood.  As I have said countless times before, the physical pain alone involved in transition from man to woman is enough to weed out the ones who shouldn’t be doing this.  I tried to prepare myself mentally for what I subjected myself to yesterday.  I think it worked, because I went through the most painful of facial areas without having to use the Novocain.  That option has never been available, as it is illegal for her to administer it, and therefore would be taking a great risk in doing so.  I had asked her about it a couple of years ago when I started electrolysis with her, but she said it was too much of a risk and also illegal.  Apparently she has changed her position in the meantime.  Although it probably would make it a lot easier, I don’t want to put her in a difficult position.

In surveying the damage in the mirror, I noticed she was incredibly meticulous in her work yesterday.  I can’t find a single hair anywhere.  She has also become very fast with her trade.  I estimate she is able to treat at least five hairs per minute, multiplied by one hundred eighty minutes, that equals ouch! Fuck that hurts! about 900 times.  The aftershocks keep the fun going for hours afterwards.  It almost feels like the energy gets stored in the follicles and then is finally released in the hours following.

I am glad that I somehow made it through the three hours.  Whatever will grow back will be significantly weaker and the next time will hopefully be the last time.  My cheeks, even though there is a bit of hair still on them, feel much softer now and are so much easier to shave.  The day I throw my razor out the window and watch as it shatters into a million pieces on the sidewalk below is growing ever closer.

I took some time the other night while I was preparing my passport application, to put together a plan for my start of the real life test.  I have decided that May 8th is my day of liberation.  I planned it around my sister Rachel’s visit.  She finally booked her flights last week.  The plan will be set in motion as soon as I inform my BUM and my supervisor Jens.  I have exactly eight weeks’ time to prepare myself for that day.  Technically, I will start living full time when Rachel gets here on the 28th of April.  I plan on informing my company president on the 14th of April, and then the personnel department the following Monday the 17th.  That will give them three weeks to do whatever it is that they will do.  I am assuming that I will probably have a meeting with my department and the others that I work with just before I go on vacation with Rachel for a week.  I must put something together, maybe a PowerPoint, just kidding, to help me explain to the others what is going to happen with me, and to help them deal with it.  It has been suggested that I put together a webpage for those who for whatever reason don’t feel comfortable asking me questions directly.  The webpage would give others the chance to read as much or as little as they choose about me and why I have chosen to transition from man to woman.  I guess it could be a blogpage that would be the easiest since I am able to edit the page as I wish and I have sufficient HTML knowledge to evoke danger.

I am thinking the webpage idea is a good idea, especially as it should be bi-lingual for both my German and American colleagues.  I would rather not get into the details in a coworker meeting.  I think it would be better to stick to matter of fact type things like how I should be addressed and bathroom usage.  The more personal details would no doubt make some people uncomfortable.  I think I will do a FAQ type format for this page, with links to information on the web for further reading.  I also think I will include a picture page, as I think showing my nieces pictures of me before they saw me in person helped them not to be so shocked.  I am at the point now where I don’t really care who knows, but I need to keep this under wraps for a bit longer.  The day of liberation is in sight, and that feels really comforting.  Switching back to man mode after a week in female mode was difficult.  I felt really comfortable in my skin during that week.  My fears of being out in public are all but gone.  Most people don’t see anything other than a normal woman when they look at me.  I go by largely unnoticed, except for my grin from ear to ear.  It’s weirdly comforting to go by undetected.  The biggest problem I have now is to keep my head straight.

Although it would have certainly been much easier all around to stay ignorant and live as man, for me it is definitely worth all the trouble to transition.  My life has definitely been enriched by it, and I have begun to view the compassion of humankind in a whole new light.  I find it very encouraging that I have had mostly positive experiences throughout my transition.  It has also become more difficult to tolerate having to grow out my facial hair for electrolysis.  It is a means to an end, and therefore must be done.  I try not to let myself be brought down by the thoughts of what I have to do in the next several weeks.  I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize, if you will.  I have come so far and there is definitely no turning back now.  I think I have reached the point where my reproductive capabilities are probably gone.  This eventuality used to bother me, but I have learned to accept the fact that I will become sterile, a non-breeder, a dead ender.

I have been on contra-sexual hormones for a year now.  My body has morphed from a shapeless boy’s body into a thin and curvy woman’s body.  My testosterone level is below 20 ng/dl (normal female 35 yrs is between 20-80 ng/dl) and my estrogen level is 60.5 pg/ml (normal range=26-165 pg/ml).  Those levels were taken a day before I was to get my next double shots, so they are a good indication of the lowest my levels could be, which are still excellent.  The treatments are working very well with my body chemistry.

I think I will go and lie down now with an ice pack on my face.  More later.

ch ch ch changes...

I arrived back home from my trip to the states this morning.  It was a very successful and wonderful trip.  Everything worked out well.  You may now call me Christine Joan instead of that old name, it’s official ya know.  Here’s the recap of my trip back to the states.

I had my bag mostly packed by the time I went to bed on Saturday night.  I only needed to put my toiletries and skin care in their bags and throw them in the suitcase.  I only packed two days worth of man clothes, and the rest was all girly.  I was also able to check in online, which is new and fantastic.  My cheeks looked like I was gathering nuts for the winter by the time I went to bed.  I imagine that is what my face would look like if I gained lots of weight.  I booked a taxi for the morning to bring me to the airport, pick-up time: 07.30.  I was in bed by midnight with both of my cold packs strapped to my face.

I got up on time and got in the shower.  I was surprised that I was relatively efficient, having thankfully packed my bag the night before.  I had enough time for a half a cup of coffee and I was out the door.  As soon as I had my bag at the curb, the taxi pulled up.  She quipped “good timing”.  The taxi driver was nice and we chatted on the way to the airport.  At that time of the morning on a Sunday, there is literally no one on the roads.  We arrived at the airport in fifteen minutes flat.  There was hardly any line at the check in counter, which didn’t matter because I am now able to check in at the business class counter which almost never has a line.  I felt like I have made it out of the steerage.  I was checked in and ready to go through security by 08.00.  I had two hours to kill and an empty stomach, so I decided to have a café au lait and a croissant with cheese in one of the airport cafés.  I sailed through security and was off to my gate.  I stopped and bought some fashion mags at a news store.  The have LUCKY magazine in Germany now, so I picked up a copy.  While I was buying some water for the flight I noticed they had the favorite liqueur of a friend of mine, so I picked up a bottle of it for them.

The flight sucked big time.  There were two small children seated right behind me, crying constantly it seemed and constantly pushing on the back of seat with their feet, right in the lower back area.  Fun.  It always works out that the babes a whalin’ end up sleeping at the end of the flight when everyone is awake again.  I forgot my ear plugs.  The flight arrived on time and I picked up my rental at hertz.  I drove out to allison’s in Roseville.  Whe I arrived, her and Lisa were at home depot buying kitchen cabinets.  They came home shortly after.  I was glad to see them again.  I miss my friends in Detroit.  They gave me some Tylenol and a frozen water bottle to cool my face to try to bring the swelling down.  We talked for a while and then went to a Mexican joint for dinner.  We were waiting to be seated when the hostess came and said “right this way ladies”.  I was in male mode, mind you.  It felt good nevertheless.  Allison seems to be the charm.  We went back the house afterwards and played some Xbox games, then bed.

On Monday I went and visited my friend and gave him the bottle I had got for him.  Afterwards I went to my old job and said hello to everyone.  I had a short meeting with the new HR woman and explained my situation to her.  She seemed very postitive, but recommended that I tell the receptionist, Debbie, personally.  I have been concerned about what to do about telling Debbie because she is the one who collects my stateside mail and sends it to me here.  I didn’t want to just let it go without at least saying something to her.  I’m not sure what she would have though should my mail start showing up addressed to a one Christine Joan X.  I tried to set something up with her for that day, but she didn’t have time, so we set up a lunch date for Wednesday.

I went out with Tasos for a coffee after the workday was over.  We went to a little café in Royal Oak.  I told him there about what I am doing, meaning my transition.  He was concerned for me, and made sure I knew what I was doing.  I assured him that I did.  He told me about a childhood friend of his that had transitioned, so he was already familiar with the concept of transition.  He assured me that he accepted my decision and that he would continue to be my friend and colleague.  I had a feeling he would be ok with me.  We talked about some things he is working on personally in preparation for quitting his job with our company.  He has some interesting ideas.  We left the café and then drove separately to Manfred’s apartment on Cass Lake.  Tasos stayed only for about an hour and then left.

I stayed behind and hung out with Manfred.  We talked about work related stuff for a couple of hours and then I decided to shift the subject to me.  I told him also of my transition and he was supportive.  We discussed lots of things about transition, as he was very curious about it.  Manfred was planning his move to the states as I was planning my move to Germany.  WE shared lots of personal stuff back then and therefore I felt that I could tell him.  He was also very supportive and accepted my decision.  Two more allies.  I ended up staying over at his place as it was 01.00 when we decided we were both tired.  He put me up in his spare bedroom on an air mattress.  He got me up at 07.00.  I got dressed and had a coffee and a smoke with him and we were off.

I went to the Old Port Inn for breakfast.  The old fart inn, as it is also known, is a little family restaurant right around the corner from the house I once owned.  Afterwards I went to CVS to pick up some odds and ends.  I took a shower back at allison’s and got ready to go to visit my former therapist in Ann Arbor.  I was naturally running a bit late.  I arrived at her office about fifteen minutes late.  We had a good catch-up session, and she seemed a little disturbed that I wasn’t out at work yet.  I assured her that I have a time plan that I am trying to stick to, and that part was to happen soon.  She told me that it was plain for her to see that I had changed quite a bit, both mentally and physically, since the last time we saw each other.

I drove back to troy to go shopping at Marshall field’s because I needed a black turtleneck to wear with my suit the next day.  I also bought some DKNY tights in black and brown which just happened to be on sale.  I had a tough time finding just a plain black turtleneck though.  I was forced to cover every clearance rack in the store because they already had the spring apparel out.  I even tried on the sweater I found and had no problems.  I was paranoid because someone had told me that I wouldn’t be allowed to do such a thing in that store being a transwoman.  It didn’t seem to matter, even with the store security surveiling the dressing rooms.  I am sufficiently passable now, I guess.  The sales associates were also very nice and chatty.  That done, I met Allison at her job and then we went to Birmingham to get our nails done.  I decided to get a gel tip French manicure.  I have always wanted to get my nails professionally done, and I finally did.  It was nice.

Jennifer met us at the nail salon.  We left there and went around the corner to get a snack at a diner.  It was good to see Jennifer again.  She had her surgery last month and was still off of work for a couple more weeks.  We all went to the Ferndale support group together, and to our wonderment, the room was totally full.  That never happens.  There were a lot of new faces I hadn’t seen before.  It was an interesting meeting, and I was able to give an update on how I am doing and also touch on some points relevant to what some of the others had said.  Some of us went to Maria’s afterwards for dinner.  Julia heard somehow that I was there and came to visit with me at our table.  It was good to see her again.  She was doing well despite having to go off the hormone treatments due to financial reasons.  We talked for a while and she asked me for some advice on her living arrangements.  I hope she will be alright.  I worry about her from time to time.

Allison and I went back to her place and I got prepared for my big day.  I woke up extra early to make sure I had enough time to primp myself enough and iron my skirt suit.  I looked just the way I wanted to and felt really good about it.  Allison and Lisa wished me well and I was off to Pontiac.  I got to the courthouse with fifteen minutes to spare.  I found the correct courtroom and checked in with the clerk.  My case was the first on the docket.  The Judge was a very nice and positive man, not to mention very handsome as well.  He asked me the standard questions and then granted me my name change.  Yay!!!  He asked me to approach the bench and we chatted a bit.  He asked me if he had presided over my divorce, and I said yes.  I expressed my regrets for not being present, and explained that I had relied on someone to inform me of the date, but the didn’t.  He asked if the settlement was in order, to which I told him it had been fully agreed upon beforehand.  I made it clear that I was sorry that I wasn’t there, and he said not to worry about it.  He shook my hand and wished me luck.  I left the courtroom with a grin from ear to ear.

I filed the document with the clerk and had several certified copies made.  I left the courthouse and went to the secretary of state, which come to find out didn’t open until 11.00 that day.  I decided to go to the social security office while I was waiting for them to open.  Everything at the social security office went smooth, and I drove back to the sec of state.  The woman who served me was all ready to change the M to an F on my license in addition to my name, but her supervisor put he kybosh on it.  Oh well.  My new license photo came out really nice though.  I should have my new license in a couple of weeks.  After that I went across the street to my bank and changed my name on my accounts.  I ended up chatting with my personal banker for a few minutes.  Everyone was so nice and supportive.  I am so lucky, and also thankful.  In the meantime I called Debbie to make sure we were still on for lunch.  I had some time to kill before meeting her so I went back to Marshall Fields to stock up on Clinique.  The saleswoman was a very nice and helpful older woman.  She felt bad that I wouldn’t be able take advantage of the coming bonus time, so she gave me some cleanser travel kits.  I bought a new shade of lipstick too.

I waited in the parking lot of the restaurant where I was to meet Debbie for lunch.  I became nervous that I was going to give her a heart attack or something.  I should have planned this better, I thought.  I didn’t want to have to shock her, and would have much rather have told her in neutral or male mode.  She is the first person that I would tell while presenting female.  It was too late, now or never.  She pulled into the parking lot and I got out my car to meet up with her.  She walked right up to me and said hello.  I said hello back.  I paused for a second and she said “well c’mon”.  I asked her if everything was ok, she said “don’t be ridiculous, c’mon let’s go eat”.  She was amazing; she didn’t even skip a beat.  Again lucky.  I explained to her what was going on with me and that my mail would soon be coming addressed to Christine, and to inform her is why I asked her to lunch.  I apologized for springing myself on her, but she said everybody needs to be who they need to be, and not to worry about it.  She told me about a football player she went to HS with that transitioned, but she hadn’t ever seen her again.  We talked quite a bit about our families.  She was very open-minded which was a pleasant surprise.  I don’t know her that well, but she seems like a good person.  She told me that one time she had seen my profile as I was talking to someone and she thought to herself, “gee, he would make a pretty woman”.  I like her more and more.  We had a very interesting lunch together, and I am thankful everything worked out for the best.

By mid afternoon my toes were killing me.  The pointy toed shoes I was wearing had torn up a couple of my tootsies.  The shoes are a 41 and I thought they fit a bit tight at first.  I noticed that with my feet sweating from the heat in the car, my foot slid to the front of the shoes, jamming my toes together as I walked.  It took me a little while to figure out how to walk in them without walking out of them.  I got a coffee and went to Birmingham to look for the silver jewelry store, if it was still there.  It was.  I treated myself to a couple of matching necklace-earring combos and a black onyx cuff.  I love my silver.  You can keep your gold.  One set is sort of art nouveau-ish with purple stones and the other is sort of Deco in black onyx.  I loved the necklace Mari and Christi gave me for Xmas, and wanted to see if I could find other similar stuff.  I spent way more than I wanted to, but I always wear the same thing and I would rather mix it up a bit more.  They had really nice Victorian brooches, with really fine filigree and typical shapes.  Now that I think about it, I probably should have bought one with the romantic look coming for spring.  I can picture a nice fitted blouse with small tuxedo shirt ruffles, and a full roll collar, and then the brooch at the top button.  Oh well.

I went back to Allison’s after the silver fix.  I spoke with Lisa for a while before Allison got home.  They both congratulated me and gave hugs.  I got changed out my suit and into jeans to go shooting with Allison and Jennifer.  I drove us to meet Jennifer at the range.  We didn’t have to wait too long before we got a lane.  That was the first time I went shooting in female mode.  Some of the people at the range scare me a little.  Maybe because there are lots of loaded guns around, and I am allergic to lead.  Anyway all was good.  I think we intimidated some of the men on the range with us chicks firing the M1.  I hadn’t fired it since I left Detroit last may, and this time it seemed a lot heavier and harder to aim.  We had lots of fun.  Allison got yelled at because she wasn’t following the two seconds between shots rule.  We went to Outback for dinner afterwards.

We went back to Allison’s so I could get packed up in anticipation of my flight in the morning.  I got up and got ready to go only to find out the hard way that we had freezing rain overnight.  I no sooner got the windows scraped off then I saw lightning and heard thunder.  Suddenly it started sleeting really heavy.  I accepted the fact at that point that I would be missing my flight.  I thanked Allison and Lisa for their wonderful hospitality and said goodbye.  Traffic was Detroit half the way to the airport.  It was enough to make me miss my flight.  I missed the boarding window by five minutes.  Luckily I was to be flying first class and the booking agent took care of me immediately by booking me on the next flight out, also in first class.  I had a little time to kill so I got a coffee and went outside to smoke a couple butts.  I used the women’s room all by myself for the first time in Detroit Metro that day.  It was no big deal.  I tried to act as normally as possible, like I was supposed to be in there (because I am), and everything went fine.  Flying first class was fun, even if it is only a 1.5 hour flight.

Ma and Lenny Picked me up at the airport in Providence in a raging snowstorm.  The three-quarters of an hour drive home turned into two and a half.   Not fun.  We made it home and had some dinner.  Lenny made me a linguicia sandwich, yummy.  I showed ma the pictures I had taken a couple of weeks ago and had her pick out a couple to frame.  We talked a bit to catch up on the last two months and what I learned about myself over Xmas.  I called Ann because mother told me that she wanted to do lunch with me on Friday.  I was wiped out from the previous few days, so I went to bed early.

Jen picked me up around nine at ma’s to bring me back to her place to get the other jeep.  I drove it back to ma’s and finished my makeup and then waited for Ann.  She came and we headed for the ND mall so she could get a couple of sodoku books.  We went to baker’s books on rte 6.  Along the way we spoke about how our teams at our jobs are so dysfunctional.  It seems she is confronted by the same bull that I have to deal with daily.  Afterwards we went to G&S pizza in the milk bottle for a grinder.  We talked about lots of different things while eating lunch, like how her children were doing after having seen the pictures I sent her.  Allison asked her if I stuffed my bra.  I told her they are heavily padded, but what’s inside is all me.  We also talked about me coming over to see her girls sometime on the weekend.  She brought me back to ma’s and I packed up to go shopping.

I went to Taunton first to Joann fabrics to finally spend my gift card from ma from Xmas.  They were all out of the Gingher tailoring scissors I needed, so I decided to bag it and head to the other one in Dartmouth.  I noticed a photo shop across the way so I stopped in.  The woman that helped me with ordering my pictures was really nice.  I had her take some passport pictures for me as well.  My order would be ready the following morning at nine.  I drove to ND and found the tailoring scissors I was looking for.  I also bought some more unique quilting fabrics for the jeans I plan to make.  After getting out of there I went to best buy to look at a new, more compact digital camera.  When all was said and done, I spent way more than anticipated, but in hindsight it is a kick-ass camera.  I got a Canon power shot digital elph SD550.  It has all the features I wanted, like a view finder, rechargeable battery, SD media, etc.  I bought an extra battery and a leather case for it.  I also picked up a two GB SD card to go with the camera.  I headed back to ma’s to meet up with Rachel.

We hung out and waited for Jen and Diane to come over to eat.  They picked up pizza from Ray’s for all of us.  I had a half plain half linguicia, tasty treats.  I would eat linguicia three days in a row.  We hung out a little longer and then Jen and Diane went home.  Rachel and I watched tv for a while together.  While I was sitting on the couch, I started to look at myself through other people’s eyes and therefore felt I was pathetic and crazy for wanting to be a woman.  I chocked those thoughts up to the beer and confronting my past once again by being around my family and the house where I grew up.  I went to bed fairly early again.  I got up before everyone else and decided to take advantage of the free bathroom and got to showering.  Lenny made me a linguicia omelet with toast.  Nummy.  I went to pick up my pictures in Taunton while Rachel got ready.  Lizzy got to ma’s after twelve and we discussed where we were going to go shopping.  The main priority was to hit a DSW.  We decided to go to the one in Warwick RI.  I ended up buying a pair of cool black leather pumps with a rounded toe.  Lizzy got a pair of sneakers.  After that we went to Providence Place to look at jeans in Nordstrom.   I found a nice pair of Franco Sarto flats finally.  I have been looking for a comfortable pair of stylish flats for the longest time.

This is all the energy I have to write for today.  I will finish the rest tomorrow.