Month 1

I feel like I have been running on empty lately.  Work has been very stressful and exhausting.  I usually come home from work so late that I only have time to eat something for dinner and then go to bed.  I want to take at least a long weekend sometime soon.  I have been thinking about going back to Amsterdam perhaps.  The weather has been getting slowly better and I want to be out enjoying it more.  I have tomorrow off, and many other holidays coming up in the next two months.

I have been neglecting some things that I need to take care of, such as taxes, changing my name with my bank and financial stuff, and informing my extended family of my transition.  The name changing effort entails a lot more letters and such which I must also do.  I would like to take today and tomorrow to get better organized.  I used to have a big problem with procrastination, but it has been rearing it’s ugly head again.  The immediate pressures at work are finished for the moment and I am hoping to return to a normal schedule again.  Then again, I have a machine going together in the next couple of weeks.

I spent this past Thursday through Saturday holed up in a conference room with eleven other people discussing a specification that I co-authored.  The specification is for the development project that I have been working on.  This is the first time we actually put together in one document everything we are planning on designing.  For two years, a core team including me and several other disciplines has been discussing market requirements and specific customer demands in effort to define the system.  I am glad we finally have a defined course of action.

The group was made up of Japanese, an American (me), a Briton, an Irishman, and many Germans.  It seemed we finally had the right people sitting around the table to discuss each issue in detail and come up with a final consensus.   That was refreshing.  We have wasted so much time in the past with not being able to come up with definite answers.  Time is short though.  The first prototype must be designed and built by November of this year, which means I must design everything and release it for purchase by the end of July.  I have just three months to do it.  Helmut has offered to take over my responsibilities for the Audi project so I am able to concentrate on the new design.  I will take him up on his offer.

I had met the foreign members of the group all within the last six months, which means they all met me as a man.  This time was obviously different.  The Japanese were informed of my change beforehand by the company co-president, who is also Japanese.  The British and Irish guys were also informed, but by whom I don’t know.  It doesn’t really matter.  They were all accepting of me and there were no surprises thankfully.  My business unit manager asked at the very beginning of the three days if I wanted to say anything about it to the group, but I said I didn’t think it was necessary.  After all, we were there to discuss chassis dynos and not transsexuals.  I figured since everyone was already informed, I would wait until the appropriate forum, such as dinner, to discuss my change with those who had questions.  That worked out well.  I had small discussions with the elder Japanese man and the Irish guy.  Overall, I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable in the three days.  I am very happy about this.

At the end of such internal workshops, the president likes to get feedback from the team on how the session went.  The feedback from the Japanese side was very positive.  Their leader said he would report that we have progressed further than expected.  This project has high visibility in Kyoto, so his impression is very important to the mortality of my job.  I felt this time we were working together as a team.  The last time, the Japanese colleagues were a lot more reserved and did not offer so much.  We all were able to discuss things openly as if we were working toward a common goal.

The British and the Irish guys also gave positive feedback with a bit of apprehension about the remaining mechanical design yet to be completed.  The apprehension was drawn out of the rift between me and the cost analysts’ ideas.  The cost analyst was brought on too early for me to work closely with, and therefore he has gone off and done a lot of conceptual design without my input.  I am open to new ideas, but a lot of what he has concepted is not completely thought through and also not very stable.  I tried to keep my mouth shut during his presentation so as to not show any disunity within the team.  It was inevitable that it would show through, but I tried my best.  The problem was, he presented his ideas for cost savings as fixed and finished designs, which they are not.  In the end I will be the one to take responsibility for something that may or may not work.  Listening to him butchering the English language was also a bit painful.

I have made it through the first month of my full time status.  I really have very little to nothing to complain about.  I have learned and done a lot in the past four weeks.  I am no longer nervous about presenting female like I used to be.  I feel somewhat liberated.  I present my self as I feel myself to be, no more, no less.  It just feels right.  Most people at work accepted my change with no apparent problems.  The assembly managers continued to extort a cup of coffee from me in exchange for special requests.  Most people call me by Christine now.  I get the feeling that the management is watching situations as they relate to me and my change very closely.  Visiting a customer alone was the first test.  The second was the past three days.  I feel that I handled both situations confidently and professionally.

Rachel is thankfully doing much better.  That was scary.  I held my new niece, Elena, when I was in Mass for Easter.  She is so tiny.  It was good to be in town for Easter.  The rest of my sisters and their children got to see me as Christine, and everything went well.  I am thankful that my family accepts me for who I am.  I am glad that I finally accepted myself, and now my life can go on, and hopefully get even better.

Frohe Ostern

I wrote this while on the plane ride to between Amsterdam and Boston.  Just pretend it’s last Thursday.

I made this trip five weeks ago to complete my name change.  This time is strictly for familiar reasons.  I am glad I am going to be with my sisters and mother for Easter.  It’s just getting there that’s the hard part.  I flew through Amsterdam today and the security was really tight.  Schiphol airport is quite nice. There are even smoking areas within the walls of the airport, I love Europe.  I am going back to the land of baggy legged puritans where you are barely allowed to smoke outside, never mind in a restaurant or a bar.  I like sipping café au lait and smoking a cigarette.  It does my soul good, even if it isn’t good for my body.

The familiar reasons are sort of piling up at the moment.  Rachel has recovered from her overdose, Jackie and Billy have a new daughter, Elena Renee (sp), which means I am a new aunt.  Aunt sounds good to me.  Jen lost her second attempt, bummer.  I came out at work and started living full time last week.  I have been feeling so tired lately, and there never seems to be enough hours in the day to get everything done.  At least things aren’t boring.

I feel so good about myself right now.  The last two weeks, even though stressful, I have been walking on clouds.  All of my colleagues have been really supportive and respectful of my decision and of me as a person.  I have noticed that a couple of people at first interaction with me are a bit nervous, but by the second or third time, they are again relaxed and it seems like nothing has changed.  Most people didn’t even skip a beat.  I am such a lucky girl.  

I went with Linda on the Saturday after my coming out speech to a beauty salon in NI to take care of my locks.  We spent four and a half hours there.  Linda took longer than I did, and she calls me “princess”.  I got my hair trimmed, chunked, and highlighted.  I also got my brows plucked and dyed.  They were a bit dark at first, which took a bit of getting used to.  I like my new look, except that I should have cut my hair a little shorter, only because it takes so long to dry it and I am not so good at styling yet.  That night we went to the stammtich in NI.  Chloe was there, which was great since I hadn’t seen her in ages.  I gave her my silicone prostheses since I have enough natural breast of my own now.  I had to take the padding out of the left cup of my bras, because I am asymmetrical.  Hopefully someday my right will catch up with my left.  We had fun at the stammtich.

I decided on Sunday that on that first day I would wear my green and brown cropped pants with the matching blazer, and a brown turtleneck underneath.  I wanted to make the best impression possible, so I had to look my best.  I will no doubt get some comment about how I am only concerned about appearance and such.  I don’t care.  I am about looks.  That’s just the way I am.  I have lived with an unfulfilled image of myself for so long and now I am actually able to achieve it.  That feels really good to me.  I look in the mirror and I can honestly say to myself, this is you, finally.  I am looking exactly the way I have always wanted and envisioned, I just need to start living the rest of my life that way too.  That will come in time.

I will surely be teased by my sisters about how high maintenance I am.  Is that such a bad thing when you are an independent woman?  I guess the biggest bitch is that it takes me so long to get ready.  I am still working on refining my morning routine.  The amount of time it takes me right now is obscene.  Drying my hair takes the most amount of time.  The stylist who cut my hair made the mistake of drying curls into the ends, which I like, but now I am obsessed with doing it every morning because I love the way it looks.  The curls add life to my hair, and also help me to look more feminine.  I have to work on my time, that is clear.  I may try a curling iron instead of drying the curls with a round brush.

Living full time has taken a bit of getting used to.  I no longer have to make sure I am acting like my appearance, which may sound stupid, but when you switch back and forth like I have lately it fucks with your head after a while.  Now I am able to just be me, and that’s exactly how I feel, me.  I love myself finally, but there is still much work to be done.  A work in progress of sorts.

Rachel, Oh Rachel

I can’t stop thinking of my sister Rachel, and therefore I can’t stop crying.  She just about succeeded in killing herself two days ago.  She overdosed on some kind of pain medication.  Luckily someone found her before it was too late.  Jen was telling about how her blood tests looked, and it sounded like she should have died.  I’m glad she didn’t.  Dad must have been watching over her.

It’s too early to tell how much damage was done, they estimate that she was down for ten to twelve hours.  It’s a miracle she is still alive.  Her kidneys aren’t functioning and her muscles started to degenerate due to lack of oxygen.  She will probably need weeks, if not months, of physical therapy.  We are trying to remain hopeful that her kidney function returns and her liver survives.  Her condition is moving in the right direction.

She was so excited about coming to visit at the end of the month.  I will be going to visit her instead, in the hospital.  I booked a flight today for this coming Thursday.  Now I feel like I should be flying out tomorrow.  It’s times like these that I wished I didn’t live so far away.

Why did she have to do this to herself?  She seemed to be doing really well.  She had a good job, a nice house to live in, she was being really attentive to Tim, and she seemed to be happy.  I don’t understand.  If I am not allowed to leave this world, she shouldn’t be allowed to either.

Get better Rachel, we love you and none of us want to lose you.

Erfolgreich

I had a very successful week last week. Everything went to plan, and I am so happy about it. Here’s how things went:

I got to work on Wednesday morning to find a couple more people had responded positively to my invitation for Friday night. I also received an email from my department head telling me to put a presentation together on the quick for that afternoon. My development team was invited to give a presentation for the Global Product Planning Group (GPPG) which consisted of the two company presidents, a standard product manager, and three top sales and marketing directors. Two of the three sales and marketing guys are brits and the other Irish, none of them speak German so the presentation was to be given in English. We were scheduled to go on at 2p until 4p. I got my presentation together mostly before going to lunch. The headcount for my party was 50, so I ordered enough food and drink from the cafeteria for 55 people.

After lunch I finished my presentation just in the nick of time. We all went up to the fourth floor to the executive conference room where we were met by the participants. One of the sales and marketing guys I already know fairly well, and I like him because he tends to show his appreciation for the people that he feels do a good job. I invited him to my party on Friday via the email, and as soon as he got it he called me. He was in France at the time, and called me because he was worried that I was going to announce that I would be leaving the company. I assured him that I wasn’t, not to worry, but I wasn’t able to give any more details. He said that he would not be able to make it on Friday, but that we would get together for a beer or something when he was back in town. I said ok. As it turns out I ended up presenting to him and the others before he was to fly to the states for a couple of weeks.

The presentations went well and we left with some pretty difficult questions to answer within the next couple of weeks. By the time we were done, the meeting had taken four hours. We were finally getting good feedback from exactly the people we needed it from. It only took three years to get it. I’ll have to wait and see whether or not Jonathan will still want to go out for a beer with me after he hears what my announcement is.

Walter, the cost analyst consultant, invited me and Uli out for a beer after the presentations were over. Uli’s wife was returning from a business trip so he declined. So Walter and I went to the Ratskeller for something to eat and a beer. As we were walking up to the Ratskeller, we ran into two of the sales and marketing guys while on a sightseeing tour with the company president. We said hello and went inside. We ate some dinner, drank some beer, and discussed quite a bit. Half the discussion was about my on the job transition and the other half about the development project. It was clear to me that he was worried about how successful I will be with my OTJ transition. He suggested that it seemed easier to go stealth by moving to another town and starting a new life there. I assured him that I have thought about that option, but decided to stay where I am and try to make the best of the situation. All the worries that he had, I had already thought about many times over. He seemed really worried that I am going into this somewhat naively, maybe because I seemed to him to be too calm about it.

I also realize that no matter how much planning and preparations I make, there are things that are going to happen that I have no control over. I can only hope to deal with the tough situations that will arise with confidence and grace. I have learned very well how to plan for the worst, but hope for the best. Fortunately for me, I have thus far met with success, and I hope it will continue. I went to bed not too long after I got home from dinner.

Thursday at work was spent checking drawings, such fun. I met and spoke with several Japanese guys on my smoke breaks. I ended up chatting with the co-president for a few minutes about living in the Detroit area and in Germany. We shared a common opinion on both areas. We both hated Detroit and we both love living in Europe. It was nice to be able to chat with him a bit. Apparently the German co-president hadn’t discussed my OTJ transition with him yet. I took off early to go home and prepare my face for electrolysis. I was running on time, actually a little to early, so I decided to kill some time by taking the scenic route through the area that I used to live in. I always enjoy that drive. She worked on my cheeks for a half hour each. She was able to clear most of the thicker hairs within that time. I made my next appointment to do around my mouth again for the Thursday before Easter. I figured there would probably be lots of people on vacation at that time so it wouldn’t be so bad when I let the hair grow out in the days before. Then I would have a nice long four day weekend to heal before going back to work.

I spoke with Linda on the phone once I got home from my torture session. I decided to make some little cards with my new name and my webpage on it to give out to people after my coming out speech. I remembered that I had an art nouveau graphics book that included a cd. I picked out a nice frame format with stylized roses over green flowing lines. It took a bit of fussing around until I got it right. I printed them out and planned on cutting them out on the paper cutter at work the next day. I thought about my speech a bit more and then went to bed.

On Friday morning my face cheeks didn’t look too bad. The couple of times I cooled it the night before seemed to do the job. I did have some redness but it wasn’t as bad as the last couple of times. I got to work and got organized for the weekly development team meeting. Just before the meeting I cut the cards up and had a piece of cheesecake at Klaus’ quitting party. He decided to go to work for a branch of the company that sold my branch to the Japanese. He will be working one building away from ours. I wish him the best.

I made it through the team meeting alright, but I could feel the nerves catching up to me. There were mere hours until my coming out party. After lunch I started to get really nervous. I decided to punch out at 2p and work on putting my thoughts onto index cards. I ended up with five cards total. I went down to the assembly hall at three to look for Johannes to start setting up the tables. He was disposing of the old rolling chairs that everyone, me included, traded in for a brand new chair. I finally got a flat screen monitor last week too. Anyway, I waited for Johannes until it was time to go pick up the food and drink at the cafeteria. Doris came looking for me to see if I needed help with the food. We went to pick it up in the assembly van which really helped. We brought it back and set up the tables. We were finished by four. I had an hour to chain smoke and rehearse my speech in my head. I didn’t concentrate so much on the content because I knew it would come out totally different anyway. In the meantime, Doris made an appointment for me at her regular nail salon in Eberstadt for Monday night at 7.30p. She has been super supportive of me since I have been back here, even before I told her of my transition plans. She’s a good friend.

Everyone that was going to come was there by five thirty. Everyone felt they had waited long enough to hear my jibber-jabber, so they all turned their attention to me. There were about 45 of my colleagues there and they formed a crest in front of me and became totally quiet. I was on. I thanked them all for coming and then took a deep breath. I got right to the point and it went a little like this:

I decided two and half years ago to pursue a gender transition. As one can image such a decision doesn’t happen overnight. When I was a child I could tell something didn’t feel quite right, and by puberty I realized what the problem was. My spirit felt female, but my body told me otherwise. I decided to try to suppress these feelings in effort to make my spirit match my body, because I felt this can’t be. This behavior led me into depression and caused me to ruin many relationships. Two and a half years ago I finally realized that trying to change my spirit to match my body wasn’t working at all. So I decided to try it the other way around, by changing my body to match my spirit. So far it is working and I am really satisfied with my decision. I have been under psychological guidance for two years, medical treatment for one year, and I changed my name in Detroit a month ago. My name is no longer Christopher John C…but rather Christine Joan C… I am now far enough along the path of my transition that I am ready to start the real life test. The real life test means that I will start living full time in the female gender role, both privately and at work. This is the reason that I am giving this speech to you today. Monday will be my first day on the job as Christine. I don’t expect you to be able to understand why I would want to change my gender, while often times only those who have this issue can understand. What I would rather ask of you is for you to try to accept my decision and to live with it. I felt it best to inform as many people as possible at once to try to minimize the distraction factor, and to avoid surprises. I don’t expect any special treatment, but rather just the same respect that you would show anyone else. I also ask that everyone try to start using the appropriate pronouns. Instead of he and him, she and her; and instead of Herr C…, Frau C… I realize it will be difficult at first, therefore I will have patience. You will notice very little change in me except for my outward appearance. You can still call me Chris if that will help. I had thought about asking if there were any questions, but I think it may be too soon for that. I have written a webpage in question and answer format with further information, and I have cards with the web address on it for whoever would like to read it. Thank you all for coming and for listening to what I had to say.

Everyone started clapping when I had finished. Heike approached me with a bouquet of flowers and gave a little speech of her own.

She said that it was very courageous of me to pursue a gender transition and to stand in front of my peers and tell them about it. She went on to say that they have noticed that I have become more self confident and generally happier in the past few months. I think I speak for all your colleagues that we will try to support you as best we can. We wish the best of luck with your transition. She gave me the flowers, and everyone clapped again. I was on the verge of tears by the time she was finished. I wanted to break up the seriousness a little so I threw out a joke. I said, “Don’t worry; my designs are not going to change. They will continue to be too complicated, too expensive, and always too late.” Everyone chuckled a bit, and I said “let’s eat!”

Afterwards, most of the people came up to me and either shook my hand or hugged me. They all wished me the best of luck and thought it was very courageous of me to do this, and offered their respect. Most of them immediately started calling me Christine. They also said they never expected my announcement to be anything like this. I felt like I was in an adrenaline shock for a while. I felt really happy and thankful that everything went well, and I was met with nothing but support. I handed out the cards I had made up, and almost everyone took one. I printed 48 of them and at the end I had about four left over. After cleaning up, I rode my bike home and just about collapsed when I got there. I wanted to write a post that night, but the urge to relax won over.

I am such a lucky person. I am thankful for everything that is working out for me. All the planning and stress has paid off. I am so happy.

I forgot to wish trini+grims a Happy Anniversary! Thanks for all the support trini.

I want to go to bed now, so I will catch up on this week tomorrow. Everything continued in a positive fashion this week, more later…