Partying like this..

is going to kill me. I have to realize I am not 25 anymore. My days of staying up partying all night are behind me. I feel really messed up today. I got home from a goth-batcave shindig in Mannheim at five thirty this morning. I went with Chloe, Dan, Alvero, and Jesus. Alvero spun the after party. We arrived just as Die Perlen was finishing their set. The next band to play was Katzenjammer Kabaret, from France. They rocked. The singer was dressed in a 20’s flapper dress and the guitarist was wearing a zoot suit. Mary Komplikated, the singer, was a total diva. She reminded me of Kpo, as they look similar and her style was similar too. Check out the link, their website is really well done.

I had fun, mostly looking at all the different varieties of goth punks that were there. It was a very interesting crowd to say the least. A couple of them had really cool Mohawks, and I saw some neat tats too. Their fashion I also find quite interesting. Even though I probably stuck out like a sore thumb, I didn’t feel like such a freak in that setting somehow. I’m no longer gender bending, I’ve broken it. I was able to catch a glimpse of the underground again. I used to like being part of the underground raves in Detroit, until they died out. I noticed that some of the band names that people wore as pins or t-shirts I have seen live or like to listen to. The likes of Bauhaus, Siouxsie, and Iggy. I also learned about the different kinds of lifestyles, such as wavers, goths, punks, gutter punks, Nazis (they should be stomped), etc. If I had to put a label on my tastes in regard to the life, I guess I would have to say either punk or at least I am more of a waver. When it all comes down to it, I am merely a corporate whore who likes to dabble in different underground lifestyles. It keeps life interesting.

My favorite fashion as it relates to undercurrents I would have to say is mod. I like the early sixties fashion especially. I like to look at it more than probably wear it. The era that I would have to say interests me is more 30’s-40’s, and it is stuff that I would like to make and wear. The clothing from the sixties is way easier to make, whereas the 30’s-40’s is a lot more complicated because of all the tailoring. I should consider looking at vintage patterns on eBay. I haven’t come very far this week with the blazer, but I did end up making it to Wächterhäuser on Thursday.

Thursday. I bought several patterns including a mod styled short jacket. That was an impulse buy; I saw it as I was looking for the number of the military styled jacket in vogue. I bought several other patterns as well. I got some wool fleece for sleeve heads, the guy didn’t feel like cutting my half meter, so he just gave the rest which was almost a meter. I got some tailors shoulder pads that were relatively thin but will give just the right amount of body. They are oversized and made of felt-y wool that can be cut to the exact shape desired. I also got a lot of new pins, since the ones I was using were a couple years old and mostly damaged and rough. I want to at least put the sleeve heads in tonight before going to bed.

After the sewing store I had to go to therapy. That was fun as usual. After that I went to Lush to get some more shampoo and conditioner, and I stopped by camper of course but didn’t buy anything. I went over to see Jesus at his apartment to discuss my hair and what to do about it. He will be cutting my hair on the second of October. He recommended that I do some bangs, but I am skeptical that it will make my hair on top look too thin. I did notice that I can tell when I started taking hormones relative to the hair growth. The very ends are relatively thin, and then about six inches higher it gets a lot thicker. He is going to trim it so that the scraggly ends are gone and also a bit of layering. I am excited to try something new. I just hope it comes out ok.

Chloe arrived as I was having my consult with Jesus. She and I went out to an Italian restaurant for dinner a couple of blocks away. I was about ten when we finished dinner and I decided to go with her to the Cave, a club in Ffm. Alvero showed up a couple of minutes after we got there. Chloe and he danced for a little while and then we headed to Darmstadt. I didn’t get to sleep until 2 or just after. I was toast the next morning and dragged ass all day long. Chloe is staying with me for a couple of days, as she is on vacation since getting out from under that electronics company she was working for. She will be moving back to the states soon. I will miss her. So will Jesus and Alvero.

I finally made an appointment with a dentist for tomorrow evening. I am a little scared of what the condition of my teeth will be. I haven’t been to a dentist in probably a decade or more. I hope that I won’t require lots of expensive procedures. I will find out tomorrow.

I checked online today for flights, and it seems as though they are running fall specials at the moment both here and in the states. I will probably take that time I was thinking about next month. I should check into concerts in Detroit and Boston.

Krakauer kragen kauer

I’ve been a busy little bee this week.  I decided to go it alone with making the corduroy blazer.  So far it is coming out well, even without the aid of the tailoring book.  I remember just enough of it to get me through.  The basic pattern has small errors but they require a little bit more knowledge to fix that only comes with experience.  The instructions called for cutting a piece that is part of another garment.  Nothing like wasting fabric.  I’m taking the time to write because I can’t really do much else.  When I do the laundry, I have to wait until it is almost all finished because the electrical system in my apartment sucks.  For instance, I cannot use my steam iron while the washing machine is running or I blow the fuse.

I put in a bid on the tailoring book on eBay.   I won the auction for ten dollars.  I wanted it to be shipped air mail since it was being sent from Vancouver.  The person selling it normally sells magazine clippings of celebrities.  Dare to dream.  Their terms and conditions were a bit antagonizing and condescending.  The seller, “Geezuz” is his name, sent me an invoice for the book and ground shipment.  I wrote back to him asking if he could send it airmail, but after four attempts to contact him, I am a bit frustrated.  Ground shipment can take up to three months.  The reason for buying the book is that I need it now and not three months from now.  I found another one on eBay for five dollars from someone in Iowa of all places.  I will probably win the auction and in which case I will send an email right away asking for airmail.  I will eventually own two copies of the book, one for using and one for backup I guess.  I am happy with the results so far with the blazer.  Accurate cutting and marking are keys to a successful tailoring job.  I just wish I could remember the right side to use the tailor’s tucks…

I ordered some shoes from Schuhpaket.com this week.  I bought a pair of brown low heeled loafer style pumps from camper, brown leather and cork Paul Green sandals, and turquoise and brown cowboy booties from El Natura Lista.  The campers and the Paul Green’s fit well, but the booties make my feet look way too huge.  I think I will send them back and get something else.  I am trying to sensible about the shoes I want to buy for fall and as basic staples.  I have been able to try on most of what I have bought to avoid pain and having to return them.

I made it by the electric company to change my name with them on Wednesday.  The woman that I spoke with made it seem like no big deal.  She didn’t even ask for any substantiating docs.  She just asked me what I changed my name to and simply changed it in the computer.  That was by far the easiest name change of all.  

I went to the Kalkhofen after work on Monday with Helmut and Johannes.  It was a bit cool and damp after dark out there in the forest.  They have white deer there just like the ones on belle isle in Detroit.  Tuesday night I worked on the jacket after work.  Wednesday evening I had an electrolysis session for 75 minutes on my neck.  Afterwards I met Mari, Christiane and Helmut at La Bodega for a glass of wine.  I felt totally drained like I had been on that machine from princess bride that drained the life out of dray pirate Roberts.  I stayed for one glass of Rijoha and then went home to bed.

I have been getting closer to deciding what I want to do with my vacation.  I have to decide if I really want to spend a grand on flights home.  I have sort of planned out my holiday trip; I am able to work it where I will have a month off around Christmas.  Aside from that I will have ten or eleven days left over.  I want to make a decision within the next week.

I went to Bauhaus on Tuesday to get some supplies to start working on fixing the bathroom wall.  I plan on scraping the wall down before I go on vacation to let it dry out while I am away.  I will then have to paint it right away when I get home before I am able to shower again.  While I was at the baumarkt I also bought some acrylic fabric paint in white, cherry red, red metallic, and silver metallic.  Yesterday I bought some clear shelf paper to use as a stencil.  I have been kicking ideas around for a logo, and I think I will try a couple versions out in color.

I tried a dead sea facial mask today which made my skin feel really nice, except it brought all the crap in my pores out, like the fried hair follicles.  I guess that’s good and I should probably do it weekly to avoid getting pimples from the ones that don’t come out on their own.  I am to the point where I only need to shave every other day, and that’s only because I am so self conscious of my facial hair.  That front is getting much better thankfully.  I used a hair mask also today and then let it air dry.  I look like a puff ball chia pet.

I have been feeling good for the most part lately.  I am beating the procrastination back in a big way.  That feels good.  I don’t feel guilty because of doing something like sewing when I really should be doing something else more important.  I hope that I will get some money back on my German taxes to refill the reserves.  That will add another layer of comfort for me.  I have been able to keep an even keel lately, and the loneliness is not such a big problem.  Every opportunity that I have had recently to go out and enjoy the nice weather I have taken.  September is turning out to be a nice month.

I received a letter this week from the Telecom stating that someone was sending spam from my internet connection and that they restricted my outgoing emails.  The email thing was a non issue since I don’t use the account that comes with my service.  I had a hunch that someone had hacked into my wifi and was using it to surf the net.  I became nervous about the potential security breach on my system, but I think it was restricted to my wifi and not to my computer (at least I hope so…).  I called and requested a new gateway number and password which came yesterday.  The intrusion was my fault, as I didn’t take the time to set up the security correctly when I first configured my wifi router.  I set it all up again yesterday, this time defining which computers are allowed to connect and also configured the encryption security feature.  The encryption isn’t the best as far as security goes, but it is a start.  The more advanced security features require a bit more knowledge which I can only get through reading up on it.  I am proud of myself for figuring out how to set it all up successfully, it only took me four hours!?

getting there

I want to try to get back into regular postings. My poor posting consistency is not for lack of noteworthy events, I am just a lazy sack. That’s not quite true either. I have been spending nearly every free moment at home on sewing projects.

I was obviously in a very dark place when I wrote the last post. I do know that there are people that care about me out there, you for instance. I know that when I am feeling that way I should call someone to talk to, but when I feel that way I don’t feel like talking with anyone about it. Kind of self defeating, I know. I miss my friends and Kpo and family in Detroit, and family in Mass. I want to take a trip back for a couple of weeks sometime soon. I probably should get my plans together for the holidays soon so that I can book my flights that will be paid for by my company. I was contemplating saving all my remaining vacation days, only 24 days left, until December. I started off this year with a 40 hour deficit that took me months to make up. The German working hours arrangement is very flexible and dangerous at the same time.

I have selected a bunch of courses that I want to take this fall and winter through the Volkshochschule (VHS), the VHS is an adult further education program. They offer courses in everything from languages to the arts. I was surprised to find a 12 session classic ballet course, but it was apparently the second course for beginners and I should probably start with the first course, I assume it is taught in the spring/summer session, so I will have to wait. Learning ballet has been sort of a secret desire of mine that I have kept secret ever since elementary school. I was jealous of the girls in my class that were dancers. I look at it now as something practical for me to learn that could help me be more flexible and also maybe help me to be more graceful with movement. I am not sure how I would be accepted in such a setting though.

I have selected four other classes that I will take. The first is an enameling class for two five hour sessions in Roßdorf. The second is a goldsmith course for six, two hour sessions in Groß Umstadt that runs on Monday evenings. The third is a sculpting class where the technical parts of casting and the creation of the form are taught, in Darmstadt. It is possible also to have the form cast in aluminum, iron, or bronze. There is also the possibility to visit the foundry for a tour beforehand. The last is a hand weaving class for one eight hour session in Fischbachtal. The enameling, goldsmith, and sculpting classes are all sort of related and are all things I have always wanted to try. I’m not sure I will be any good at any of it, but I would like to try it anyway. I hope to make some contact with the people that have a workshop to maybe do some further work. The hand weaving class is another thing I have always wanted to try. I can envision myself weaving a nice tweed or boucle. I am excited to learn something new, especially creative things.

I met Chloe in NI after getting my nails done yesterday. We went to Ffm so I could return the camper pumps that I bought a couple of weeks ago that didn’t fit right. I learned that my (ex) friend Linda has cervical cancer and that she is in the hospital to be treated. I am very sorry to hear that she is dangerously ill. I hope that she is able to come away from that and remain healthy. I don’t know anything about cervical cancer; I should probably research it some.

Chloe and I went to Sisley to say hello to Alvero, and his partner Jesus was there as well. I asked Jesus if he could cut and color my hair sometime soon. I will have to call him in a week to set up a consultation so he can get everything together for the day he does it. I am not sure what I want to do with my hair. I will ask him what he thinks he can do with it, taking into account my racing stripes. I would like to bring out more of the red in my hair, but that may make me a little too ghost-like I fear. I think I may have finally found the right combination of hair care stuff to keep it healthy. I could never have imagined how much work is required with having long hair. I may have him shorten it significantly, I’m not sure yet. I trust him to do a good job.

I started working on a blazer pattern last Sunday. It is a Burda pattern out of one of their magazines. It took me about six hours to prepare all the pattern pieces, including the interfacing and lining. The Burda patterns require a lot of fundamental knowledge about pattern making. They don’t include any seam allowance, so every piece must be traced and edited to include the seam and hem allowances. The interfacing and lining have to be separately patterned and there aren’t any instructions included for them. I am planning on using fusible woven interfacing patterned according to classic tailoring with hair canvas. I have cut a size 16, since the jean jacket I almost finished making in a size 18 was way too big, but then again it was a Vogue pattern. I have laid out the pattern pieces on a length of olive stretch corduroy for the first go at it. I have found a copy of the Singer tailoring book on EBay that I think I will bid on, since that book is an indispensable guide to classic, machine, and fusible tailoring methods. If the fit is correct I plan to make it again in red stretch corduroy with either pants or a skirt to match.

My electrolysis session this past Wednesday was a bit difficult. She was able to clear my cheeks within 55 minutes. Most of what was left there were mostly really fine colorless hairs. They only take one impulse, but it hurts terribly just the same. I think my cheeks will be the first area to be finished. My neck is next on this coming Wednesday. It seems as though I am really close to the end of electrolysis. Yay!

I am trying to cut the list of things that I still need to update my name change with. I went to the telecom on Thursday and also found the electric company’s new office location and their business hours. I plan to go this week to finish that up. My US credit card will be sending me a letter in the mail to fill out and return. My cell phone and car sharing I will have to mail or fax the request and documentation to. A glaring item on the list is my extended family. I really should get that done very soon, after that then my whole little world will all know and there will be nobody important left to inform. I will be finally past the informing stage of transition.

I have been spending may too much time lately being addicted to YouTube. I have revived my fascination with the old fashioned art of scratching with vinyl. There are many videos for this topic, but I find the Qbert ones to be the best. I have also found some good drum and bass stuff, including a short clip of a young girl dancing to DnB, cute.



Another interesting thing I found was a group that calls themselves Improv Anywhere. They are a large group of people that pull stunts such as riding the subway without pants and throwing surprise birthday parties for friends on the NY subway. The capers they pull are really cool and it makes me wish I lived in NY.

I finally was able to reach mother on Monday night to wish her a happy birthday. I spoke with Jackie too for a bit. I think she has finally accepted the fact that I have changed for good. It was nice to speak with her. I spoke with Allison this week also. Trini wrote me a supportive comment, thanks Trini. I had therapy on Tuesday, which went a lot better this week. Wednesday I had electrolysis and Thursday I went with Helmut and Peter to Bensheim for the annual wine fest. I didn’t really like any of the wines I tried. They were all either too sweet or just not aged enough. Friday night I went to the Frauenkneipe (women’s bar) at the Frauenkulturzentrum. It all went fine as I had met most of the women there at some point in the past, and they all know about me being trans. I’m not sure if any of them had a problem with me, or at least I didn’t notice anything. I had a good time. I walked home together with Frederica, since she lives in the same corner of the city as me. Last night I went with Marion and Christiana to the Pfungstädter Kerb, a Kerb is a city fest that usually happens in the summertime. We saw a really good rock band called “Beatshots”. They rocked.